The Cooper Neglect Theory
A/N: This story starts after The Extract Obliteration (6x6) and before The Spoiler Alert Segmentation (6x15)
Chapter 1: The Viscosity Deception
Sheldon was horribly outnumbered by hostile biologists.
The little one was blond fury incarnate. A tiny wrathful hurricane you could hear coming fifty miles away. The kind that flattened nerdy boys like trailer parks and left terror and destruction in her wake. Hurricane Bernadette was a solid category 5 on the Saffir-Simpson hurricane wind scale. Being from coastal Texas, the chances of hurricanes were ever-present, and Sheldon was wise enough to fear them.
On his other side the slightly taller one, a force of nature in her own right. But as the little one blustered and raged, the storm system he was more acquainted with just stood there deceptively quiet. But as he looked closer, past those distracting lips, he witnessed a quiet rolling storm with flashes of green lightning shooting his way. When the lightning flashed you could see anger and… was that disappointment?
Sheldon's friends had taken shelter on the safety of the couch. They weren't stupid enough to come to his defense. To quote Spock, "The needs of the many outweighed the needs of the few or the one." Especially if the one brought all this down upon himself. They had all weathered storms before in the past, but rarely two at the same time.
Sheldon glanced back at the tiny but deadly hurricane, over a foot shorter than him but making him feel the size of one of her microscopic experiments. But what was worse was the way Amy looked at him. He could never read body language well, but he was improving. And he could tell it was not going to go well for him. Why do things like this always happen to him? He didn't do anything. This sounds like Penny's doing.
Earlier that evening, Amy felt just like a princess from a fairytale. A smoking hot, slightly whorish princess. She turned her head to and fro, smiling and pouting alternately at Penny's makeup mirror. She finally tore her eyes from the goddess in the mirror and beamed at the other heavily painted women on the short aqua couch. Tonight's girl's night debauchery was headquartered in Penny's apartment. They had almost polished off their second bottle of wine and the girls' moods were light and giggly. Penny was powdering Bernadette's face with a large brush with sweeping strokes. Amy couldn't resist the call of the mirror and checked herself out again. Of course she was no Penny, but she couldn't help but marvel at the vision of loveliness before her. Amy loved what Bernadette had done to her eyes. She had applied a smoky looking eye shadow that seemed to make her luminous green eyes pop even behind her glasses. Her lips would shame cherries, they were so red and glossy and her cheeks were like roses in bloom. She reluctantly looked up from the mirror and smiled at her tarted up and glittery friends. "This isn't something I would apply every day but it's nice to get glammed up once in a while."
Bernadette agreed. "This is more for a night out on the town, not for working in the lab. There are some more natural makeup techniques that almost look like your not even wearing makeup. A little powder here, a little gloss there and you'll have to knock the men off of you with a stick."
"There's only one man that I'm trying to impress." Amy thought fondly of her boyfriend, across the hall. She puckered up her glittery lips, her eyes kept being drawn to the sparkle. "Do you know the reason why humans are drawn to shiny objects? It's because we associate shiny things with sunlight reflecting off water. It is deep in our basic nature to seek out sources of water in order to survive."
"You mean if I apply glitter to the girls," Penny motioned to her breasts, "when guys stare at them it makes them thirsty?"
"Amy and Bernadette looked at each other sharing their, "Penny tries" look to each other then at Penny. "Not exactly."
"Just checking. Well let's go show off our new looks to the boys!" Penny grabbed her wine glass and took a big swig. The girls stood up and advanced towards the sound of shouting and gunfire.
Apartment 4A was a chaotic battlefield. Cries for help and enemy locations flew across the room. The boys were so involved in the slaughter in front of them, they didn't notice the three seductresses enter.
"I need a health pack!" Leonard was frantically running for cover weaving away from the combat.
"Watch the sniper in the northwest building!"
"I'm running low on ammo!"
Sheldon was distracted by something out of the corner of his eye. "I'm pinned down! Can someone… help…me?" His attention was yanked from the heated battle to the woman lingering in the doorway.
As Sheldon's character was blown to smithereens, he took in every captivating feature of his lovely brunette vixen. The sounds of battle faded away, replaced with only his pulse whooshing through his ears. His eyes were drawn to the scarlet shimmer of Amy's lips. It first brought to mind the dazzling red of Iron Man's armor, though he never could recall being this excited about Robert Downey Jr. He envisioned candy apples and red vines and was deciding if Amy's lips were just as sweet when those lips started moving and forming words he was unable to comprehend. "Uh… pardon?"
"I asked how do you like it?" Amy turned her head from side to side then fixed Sheldon with a seductive grin.
Sheldon could feel his IQ level drop to double digits when those lips curled into that smile. His thoughts were as scattered as the bits of his Halo character that he had abandoned. A few moments into this pleasurable Hell he started to break free from her siren's song. This would never do, to be rendered speechless by a set of perfectly pigmented lips. He was Sheldon Lee Cooper, man of science and reason. He will not be undone by the wiles of this vixen and her bewitching ruby lips.
"That seems like an awful lot of makeup." Sheldon's eyes glanced everywhere but her lips as he swallowed hard.
Amy's smile crumbled. "You don't like it? Any of it? It would only be for going out on date night or evening activities."
Sheldon began imagining scandalous "evening activities" that they had never before engaged in but he was beginning to think about unwillingly. If she brought those painted lips along with her on a date, it would only be a matter of time before he was forced to explore them. He would be kissing her within the month! Declarations of love, then coitus would soon follow. Marriage, 2.5 kids, a house with a white picket fence and a couple cats. How was he going to raise 2.5 children?! He had to put an end to it. Now.
"But you look so much better without all that war paint. I think you look tolerable the way you normally are. It really is…distracting."
Amy shot him a withering look. "Sheldon, I do this to feel pretty. I was hoping you liked it."
Sheldon knew the problem was he liked it a little too much. "You don't need any of that stuff to look… um."
Amy's breath caught in her throat. "To look…"
Sheldon's gaze dropped to his hands, white knuckles clutching the game controller. "To look… fine. You look just fine without it."
Amy slumped, her good mood disappearing instantly. The gang had witnessed the whole exchange and felt bad for Amy. She had struck out once again. The other girls shot a look at Sheldon that caused him to wither in his spot. Amy pushed past Penny and Bernie and headed back to the safety of 4B. They trailed behind her wake.
"I should have known better, Sheldon can't handle that much change in one night." Amy started to roughly wipe her offending lips with a tissue.
Bernadette was inaudibly grumbling under her breath but the words "jerk" and "pain in the ass" came through. "Alright, let's start from scratch. Let me show you how to apply a more subtle look."
Amy's face was cleaned and awaiting Bernadette like a fresh canvas ready for the artist. It didn't take long for Bernie to finish the job. She handed Amy the mirror.
It was hard to tell she had any makeup on. She appeared dewy and vibrant with just a hint of lip gloss for shine. It was perfect.
As it was getting late, it was time to head home. Bernadette and Amy went next door to collect Howard. Since the girls had planned on a night of drinking Howard was driving Amy home as well. Halo had been abandoned for the night and the boys were having a lively discussion on why Marvel was trouncing DC on the amount of superhero movies.
"Marvel has been turning out decent, entertaining movies that have done well at the box office, unlike DC who had Green Lantern, Jonah Hex, Man of Steel and Catwoman." Leonard argued.
"Even Halle couldn't save Catwoman." Raj nodded
All eyes turned to Amy and Bernadette as they entered the apartment and interrupted the lively debate. Both women had their arms crossed over their chests, and stony faces. Howard, Raj and Leonard instantly knew to take cover, and shrank in their seats.
"So Sheldon, I scrubbed off most of my 'war paint' as you called it, is this acceptable?" Amy's shiny pink lips were set in a grimace.
Sheldon's eyes were drawn to her glossy pout. The light in the room bounced off and enhanced those irresistible lips. How in the world was he going to be able to perform day to day activities when he would be distracted by those juicy beguiling lips? The field of physics is going to suffer and as a result mankind will as well. It was time to end this once and for all. For the betterment of humanity of course. He rose and walked behind the couch to talk some sense into her. He took note of the crossed arms and unsmiling faces of the two women and had a hard time placing the exact emotion conveyed there. It probably wasn't good. Nevertheless, for the good of science, he continued onward.
"I have no idea why a brilliant woman such as your self, feels the need to bend to societal pressure and put goop all over your face." His eyes averted her face, so he didn't witness her expression as he finished crushing his girlfriend's fragile ego. "And it makes your lips look…slippery."
Sheldon's attention was captured by his male counterpart's collective low groan. He looked over at them. It seemed like Rajesh and Howard were becoming one with the soft brown leather of the couch. Leonard in his chair had his hand resting on his brow, and was looking into his lap, shaking his head. Am I missing something?
Bernadette strode over to Sheldon and looked up at him. Hands on hips, she didn't hold back. "Hey! Your girlfriend came over to ask what you thought of her makeover, and all you can say to her is that she has goop on her face? You just couldn't think of saying anything nice to her. I don't think you understand how much you hurt her feelings! She doesn't deserve to be treated this way!"
Sheldon's eyes were as big as saucers as he gaped at the little woman shaking with rage. "But…"
"But nothing! You should apologize for your hurtful comments. All she wanted was for you to notice her."
Sheldon turned his gaze to Amy. She was still standing with her arms folded over her chest, but she appeared more deflated than earlier, her normally hunched shoulders even more so.
"So I need to apologize to Amy, even if I find the use of makeup appalling and unnecessary and prefer her normal naked lips?"
Amy's head snapped up at the interesting choice of the word "naked" her boyfriend used.
Sheldon noticed a shift in demeanor in Amy. He then realized what he had said. His face colored.
"It's called being nice Sheldon! Would it have killed you to compliment her once in a while?" Bernadette was still outraged, but had dropped her voice to a low roar.
Sheldon shuffled his feet a little, cleared his throat and looked Amy in the eye. "Amy, I don't know what brought on this sudden interest in cosmetics. One of the reasons you intrigued me was how you're not obsessed by your appearance like normal women." He smiled at her.
He was surprised that his compliment was so effective. Amy stood there with her mouth dropped open apparently in awe of his kind words. He turned to Bernadette and flinched. She looked even fiercer than she had a moment ago. His friends and acquaintance groaned quietly.
Amy stood up, squared her shoulders and cleared her throat. "I think we're done here." She marched to the door of 4A and flung it open. Without closing the door, they heard her stomping down the stairs.
"Howie!" Bernadette looked at her husband.
"Right behind you." Howard was so relieved it wasn't him in trouble this time he was almost giddy. "Good luck Sheldon, you're going to need it." He hustled to keep up with his fuming wife and closed the door behind him.
They found Amy waiting at the car, quietly stewing and pacing back and forth. Howard unlocked the car and they all sat down and buckled up.
"I was one minute away from tackling that self-absorbed son of a bitch!" Bernie spit out between clenched teeth.
"We know." Howard patted her hand reassuringly.
Amy shook her head defeated. "It was my fault, I shouldn't have expected too much from Sheldon, he hates any type of change, and doesn't know how to express himself without coming of sounding…"
"Like a complete jackass?" Bernadette offered. "Listen, I know he is socially inept. I've told Howie to lay off of him numerous times because he doesn't know any better. But his mom must have tried to instill some type of good manners in him. I think most of the time he just doesn't try to be polite out of pure arrogance."
Amy shrugged her shoulders. "Maybe."
"If I were you, I'd give him the silent treatment. Choice number one would be no sex but…" Bernie trailed off. Her husband gave her a sideways glance.
"No, that won't work. Sheldon and I can be alone in a room for hours and he loves it." Amy muttered.
"Ladies, ladies, you are going about this all wrong." Howard smirked as he thought of an idea. "I've known Sheldona long time, and I know what will get his goat. The silent treatment won't work, neither will yelling at him or pleading with him. There is only one way to get an egotist like Sheldon's attention."
The girls hung on his every word.
"Ignore him."
A/N: Oh Sheldon. Open mouth, insert foot. I honestly think that Sheldon is clueless in many social situations. However I believe his mother probably taught him good manners, he just doesn't feel the need to use them. Please feel free to review if you like.