Between the Lines
by Scarlet Eve
Song is 'Between the Lines' by Sara Bareilles
The sun set on another day. Oranges and pinks and yellows burst across the sky, lighting the clouds as the sun drifted below the horizon. Dark blues and black reached across the sky, meeting the final colors of the day. The wind picked up, rustling through the trees and brushes, bending branches. Tireless waves crashed upon the shore, spraying foam into the air, coating the coastline in a layer of salty water.
From a window, high above it all, stood Relena Darlian, watching the play of color and shadows mingling and lingering. With her hands clasped behind her back, she stood, waiting.
Waiting for someone who would never show.
Only a crescent of the sun remained above the horizon. Relena turned away from the window and slipped into the chair that stood beside her desk. Stacks of papers, her computer, several phones, a tablet, and multiple cups of cold tea lay scattered across the polished wooden desk. She ignored these items and picked up the phone only her friends and family knew the number to.
Including him.
But it was silent. No text messages. No missed phone calls. Not even an email.
Relena silently berated herself. It was always like this. There was no reason to feel surprised or disappointed.
She couldn't help herself. A tear formed and drifted down her cheek, wiped away in haste by her finger tips.
Leaving her phones behind, she left the office and made her way down to the kitchen on the first floor. The large, industrial kitchen gleamed and shone, empty and barely used. Relena could picture cooks and servers bustling about, could hear the clanging of pots and pans, the clink of plates and silverware, like perhaps it may have sounded when a large family lived in the Sanc Kingdom palace. Instead, the cavernous kitchen stood silent, waiting for use.
Relena opened the extra large refrigerator and looked at the scant offerings. She needed to go shopping. A half-empty carton of coffee creamer, a few eggs, some wilted lettuce. A few other items equally as unappetizing. Relena closed the door and turned to the pantry, where she grabbed a protein bar. She ripped at the plastic and munched on the bar, tasting chocolate and peanut butter, with a bit of salt.
Heaving a sigh, she sank down onto a stood at the long counter and dropped her head into her hand. Her thoughts strayed back to him, wondering where he was, why he so often broke his promises to her. She knew the post-war life had been hard on him, trying to find his way, but she stood there, offering her arms open wide for him. She thought that would be enough for him, enough for him to choose one place to stay, to call home. Instead, he wandered aimlessly between Earth and the Colonies, searching for something. Relena wasn't sure he even knew what he was searching for.
And yet…
Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way
Cause I can't continue pretending to choose
These opposite sides on which we fall
The loving-you-laters, if at all
No right minds could wrong be, this many times
And yet… she couldn't move on.
Couldn't leave him behind in her mind, in her heart. The hope for something more lingered, tightening its hold on her heart every time he showed up in her life with a smile and a rose, just for her. Sporadic and questionable. Frequently, then months would pass. Never consistent.
Relena finished her protein bar and tossed the wrapped into the trash. With an empty evening before her, Relena decided to just head to bed, maybe read a book she'd been meaning to get through for months. She left the kitchen and wandered back to the second level of the palace, towards her suite of rooms. Her bedroom faced the back of the property, overlooking the gardens. From that vantage point, she would be less likely to spend the evening watching the drive leading to the main entrance, waiting for a sign of a sleek black car, a motorcycle, or a rugged truck, whichever vehicle he'd decided to take out to the palace.
At least if she couldn't watch, she could pretend he'd never promised to see her.
She threw open the door to her bedroom and stepped inside. The plush carpet nestled against her feet, and the smell of roses filled her nose, the smell drifting in from the open window that overlooked the gardens. Relena drifted towards the window, looking down at the winding paths through bushes and flower beds. She could almost picture him, standing among the roses, waiting for her to come join him for a walk through the fragrant gardens.
But she could only see his ghost, a shadow of the past.
Turning away from the window, she crossed to one of her dressers and pulled out a pair of comfortable pants and a loose-fitting shirt. She changed, discarding her clothes on the floor of her room. She could clean it up later, unless her maids took care of it for her. She curled into her bed, pulling the light blankets up over her body and tucking them in around her abdomen. She reached to the nightstand, picking up the hefty book that had been gathering dust for a while. She wiped the cover clean with her hand and cracked it up, flipping to page one of the tome. She snuggled down into her sheets and read until her eyes blurred and sleep claimed her.
My memory is cruel
I'm queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails
Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn I'd heard him say it ten thousand times,
If only I had been listening
Relena awoke, opening her eyes to the darkness of her bedroom. Her eyes caught the time on the glowing alarm clock on her nightstand: 2:34 am. She pushed back her blankets and climbed from her bed. She wasn't sure what woke her up so suddenly. Was it a sound? Movement? A bad dream? Glancing around, she noted that her room looked the same as it always did.
A place for everything and everything in its place.
She turned towards the open window and looked out at the gardens.
She flinched and stepped backwards, her hand coming to rest against her chest.
Was it a specter? An illusion created by her tired, sleep-muddled mind? She blinked, wiped her eyes, shook her head from side to side. But the figure remained, standing among the rose bushes, back turned towards her, staring up at the moon that light the night like a spotlight.
He had come after all. Relena leaned forward towards the window until her nose barely grazed the screen. She wanted to call his name, to let him know that she was awake, but for some reason, her voice caught in her throat. She still felt a little angry with him, and those feelings were made worse by the fact that he showed up at an unreasonable hour. She thought they'd grown up past the after-midnight liaisons. They were cute when the two were teenagers. Now it was just inconvenient.
He turned, his back to the moon, his face illuminated by the blue light. He looked up at her window, and he must have spotted her standing in the window, because a slow smile spread over his face. He nodded once and walked towards the expansive patio that stretched off the back of the palace. Relena turned away from the window and considered her options.
If he really wanted to get inside, he could do it without her help. Alternatively, she could allow him inside herself. Or, she could ignore his presence. With a twinge of annoyance, she walked to her bedroom door. It wasn't fair for him to show up at all hours, expecting her to be receptive to his appearance. She could stay in her room, ignore his presence. But he would break in anyway, already familiar with the security system. He had, after all, been the one to install it.
With a resigned sigh, she let herself out of her bedroom and made her way down to the grand French doors that led to the patio. She could see his shadow on the other side of the door, hidden from the moonlight by the imposing structure of a palace.
She unlocked the door, disarmed the alarm beside it, and pushed the doors open. A gentle breeze wafted into the palace, brushing her hair aside. Heero turned towards her with a half-smile and a cocked eyebrow.
"What are you doing here?" Relena asked, frowning. Heero's expression wavered briefly.
"I told you I'd come see you," he said, shifting his weight on his feet. Relena tilted her head to the side and sighed.
"I assumed that meant you'd come during a reasonable hour," she said, resisting the urge to push her hands into her hips. Heero's half-smile disappeared, and he spread his hands out to his sides.
"I'm sorry," he said. Relena stared at him, waiting for more, thinking he'd have an explanation, but he remained silent.
Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines
"This was never a problem before," he muttered, his eyes cast towards the ground, as if he actually felt shame for his behavior. Relena swallowed another sigh.
"It was cute when we were younger," she said. "But we're almost thirty."
"What do you want from me?" he asked, a flash of annoyance in his eyes. Relena took an involuntary step backwards, a frown creasing on her face.
"I've made that obvious to you over the years," she said. "I've told you and repeated myself over and over again. And you've promised to try."
"I am trying…"
Relena shook her head. He wasn't trying hard enough, not for her tastes. Something else had to be going on, something keeping him from fully committing to her. It had been ten years since the wars. She was of the opinion that he could have moved on by now, have learned to listen to his own heart.
But perhaps…
Perhaps he had no feelings for her… not in the way she wanted. Perhaps that was why he couldn't bring himself to see her at appropriate hours, why he couldn't commit to her after so long. Had she been blind to the truth?
"Heero…" she began, but couldn't bring herself to ask the question rolling around her mind. Her mouth hung open with words dying in her throat. Heero stared at her, blinking, waiting for her to continue.
"Relena…" he replied, his voice low, almost comforting. But no, she couldn't be fooled by his deep baritone. She shook her head and turned away from him, stepping further into the palace. Heero followed her, closing the doors behind him. She turned back, facing him.
"Do you care for me, Heero?" she asked. Her stomach twisted into knots as she spoke. Her throat tightened with preemptive tears. He took a step forward.
"Of course I do," he said.
"Really care?" she asked. "Do you love me?"
At this, Heero's gaze lowered to the ground. In that moment, her worst fears were confirmed.
"I just…" he began, lifting his eyes up to meet hers. "I just don't know how. I thought I could figure it out over time, but I just don't know."
Relena threw up her hands and rolled her eyes. Typical, she thought.
"It's not that hard," she blurted out. Heero spread his hands out once more in a pleading gesture. To his credit, he seemed to have an expression of genuine sadness on his face. In spite of his expression, Relena's stomach churned. She felt like she might vomit. She'd spent the last ten years chasing after a man who would never love her.
I thought I thought I was ready to bleed
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all
Too late two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He'd already left with the other
So I've learned to listen through silence
Relena spun away once more, showing her back to Heero. She took a few steps away, but she felt his hand grasp her on the shoulder.
"Wait." It was a command. Not a request. Relena froze and glanced at him over her shoulder, annoyed, but she stopped walking. She half-turned towards him.
"What?"
"Don't give up on me yet," he said, his eyes large and pleading. Relena's heart unfroze ever so slightly. He blinked at her, waiting for her verdict.
But what could she say? Could she wait another ten years for him to make up his mind about her? She had her own life to live, her own dreams and goals. At one point, those dreams included Heero, but now she was not so sure. She couldn't tolerate his frequent disappearing act while waiting for him to find himself, or whatever it was he was doing during those times. She needed more, deserved more.
Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me always be
You and me always be
I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
Wait for me I'm almost ready
When he meant let go
She told him this. She let it all out, everything she'd held back. Heero listened with a neutral expression, nodding his head at her more important points. As she spoke, she was under the impression that he seemed to be understanding her. Perhaps she should have spoken her mind much sooner, instead of waiting ten years in silence.
When she finished her tirade, Heero took her hand in his. He squeezed her hand, his eyes cast towards the ground. A red blush crept across his cheeks. For several moments, they stood in silence, Relena staring at him, he staring at the tiled floor.
"What do you have to say?" Relena asked. "You must have something."
"You deserve an apology," he said, looking up into her eyes. Relena nodded.
"I do."
"I'm sorry, Relena," he said, finally, squeezing her hand again. "I really am sorry." Relena waited for more, but he was silent. Relena tapped her toe against the floor.
"What else?"
"What else what?" he asked. Relena inhaled sharply through her nose. After everything she just divulged. She'd opened her heart and poured out everything to him. And all he could do was apologize? What else?
"There must be something else on your mind," she said. She was hoping he'd confess to her his feelings, or promise to try harder. Surely he couldn't just leave her behind like that, so easily, after everything they'd been through.
But he shook his head. "I don't know what else you want from me."
She couldn't help it. The tears began to fall. They fell fast and hard, dropping from her cheeks to her night shirt. Heero reached up to wipe the tears away, but Relena shook her head and stepped backwards, further away from him. Her fingers slid from his hand, and his hand dropped back to his side.
"I said I don't know what to do, or how to make you happy," he said. "You'd be better off with someone who knows how to do that."
Her heart clenched, and her tears poured faster. Every fiber of her being ached at his words. This couldn't be the end, could it? After so long, was her entire world crumbling down around her.
"I loved you, Heero Yuy," she said, her eyes staring into his, willing her words to penetrate into his soul. "I loved you with my whole heart, and you just throw it away."
He said nothing, his eyes once more trained on the tile floor.
"Please leave," she said. Heero nodded and turned towards the door. He left silently, pulling the door closed behind him. Relena watched him go, tears still falling down her cheeks. And just like that, it was over.
Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always be
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines
Between the lines
A/N: SORRY. This was a fic request by my good friend, Relena for President. Also, I recently went through a "break up" and this is what happened. My suggestion is to go read "The Interview" to cheer yourself up. -SE