He never thought they would be separated this way.
Kuroo sighs heavily as he sits down beside Bokuto, having stood at the entrance to direct everyone and receive words of sympathy. Kuroo doesn't really understand why they would say that they're sorry for him. It's not like he's the one that's dead. Kuroo watches detachedly as friends and family goes up one by one to the coffin to pay their last respects.
Even Karasuno came from all the way at Miyagi to send him off. Chibi-chan, the one that had managed to befriend him so easily step ups to the coffin, tears and snot streaming down his face. Everyone was crying, even Lev was quietly sniffling to himself. Kuroo looks around and realizes that he was probably the only one not crying.
He turns back to the front, at the coffin that now holds his best friend.
It feels so surreal though, as though everything that's happening was all a bad dream. Coming back from a school trip to find Kenma in a pool of blood in his room. The panic and adrenaline coursing through his veins. Calling the ambulance and their parents. The trip to the hospital. And then having to arrange for Kenma's funeral.
Everything was moving too fast.
It's only when it's Kuroo's turn to step up that he finally feels the tendrils of pain start to curl around his heart. Seeing the pale face, eyes closed and expression slack as though in sleep, the knowledge that this is the last time Kuroo will ever see his face, it's too much. His hands tremble as he places Kenma's favourite game console in Kenma's hands.
Too pale, too cold.
Kenma's skin should be flushed with colour and warmth. His chest should be moving with breath, golden eyes bright and full of life. Not hidden beneath closed lids.
It's not fair.
Kuroo doesn't realize that he had been taking too long until a hand covers his own, fingers prying off his where he had gripped the edge of the coffin, his knuckles white with the force of his grip. He looks up to see Bokuto, amber eyes looking down at Kenma with sadness and grief before he turns to Kuroo.
"You have to let go."
Kuroo merely blinks at him.
"Holding on will only hurt the both of you." Bokuto murmurs, even as he starts pulling Kuroo away back to the rest. Kuroo has the feeling that they weren't talking about him standing frozen over the coffin. He grits his teeth and turns away from Bokuto.
"I can't."
Kuroo feels Bokuto's hand twitch in his but Bokuto stays quiet until they're seated, watching as Kenma's parents went up for their last look at their only son.
"You won't." Bokuto murmurs but Kuroo ignores him.
XXXXXX
"Tetsu-chan, we're going back now." Kuroo's mom tells him, a hand on his arm, in comfort or in a plea for him to follow, he doesn't know. Her eyes are red and swollen and he knows that she must be in so much pain as well. She had always joked how Kenma was like a second son she hadn't had to give birth to.
"Alright. I'm going to stay a while more then I'll head back to the apartment." Kuroo replies, ignoring the frown crossing his mom's face. He's saved from any more questions when Kenma's parents call out to him.
"Tetsurou, thank you, for all you've done." Kenma's dad says quietly, his arm around Kenma's mom who tries to smile at him.
"It must have been a shock, to have found him like that." Kenma's dad continues, voice starting to shake and tears welling in his eyes though they don't spill. Kenma's mom merely turned away, her hand covering her face. "If there's anything you need, you can always call us."
But Kuroo knows, can tell by the look in his eyes that he blamed him, that they blamed him for their son's death. Kuroo didn't mind, he understood. Kuroo blamed himself too. And so he merely nods and excuses himself from them.
XXXXXX
"I'm home!" Kuroo unlocks the door with a flourish, hoping to find Kenma curled up on the couch with his PSP. Instead silence greets him. He had been feeling uneasy ever since the day before and had rushed back here immediately.
"Kenma?" Kuroo calls out as he deposits his bags on the couch, mind rifling through what he knows of Kenma's schedule. He shouldn't be having any classes this morning. Did he go out maybe?
He passes the kitchen and his stomach drop when he notices that the dishes hadn't been washed. Kenma was a stickler for basic cleanliness and wouldn't have left them unwashed overnight. Kuroo feels the panic and fear from when he was rushing home bubbling up his chest again and he rushes to Kenma's room, throwing open the door.
Dull gold eyes stare lifelessly at him.
Blood. So much blood.
On the bed, on the floor.
Kenma, laid down in bed, arm hanging over the bed.
Vicious thick red lines of dried blood along his arm.
Kuroo gasped as he awoke; sweat covering his body and making the sheets stick. He sits up, trying to ignore the rush of blood in his ears and just trying to breathe as he clutches at his shirt over his wildly beating heart.
Kuroo knew Kenma.
He knew that Kenma feared pain. He could imagine Kenma curled up on his bed, trembling hands holding the knife above his arm. The doubt; the indecision. He would have done research. He would have known that it would take a while before he bleeds to death. The debate that would have happened in his head as to which pain would be worse.
"I'm tired, Kuro. Maybe another day."
"Not today, I want to sleep. Please."
"I'm fine, just feeling tired."
"Don't worry; I just need more sleep I guess."
"Fuck." Kuroo cursed, running a hand through his hair, curling in on himself to try and stop himself from shaking.
Kuroo should have known; should have realized sooner that Kenma had been slipping. He should have made sure that someone checked on Kenma every day while he was gone even though Kenma had said that he'll be fine.
It was all his fault.
XXXXXX
Kuroo slumps into his seat for his morning class a week later, barely able to stop from face-planting onto the table itself. He leans back when he's sure he won't fall off the chair, yawning widely.
"You look like death." Akaashi's voice comes from his right and he turns to see Akaashi looking at him with a frown.
"Are you okay?" Akaashi's voice had gone soft and worried, and Kuroo hates it.
"Yeah? I'm totally fine." Kuroo waves a hand in dismissal, bending over to take his notes out. He considers it a victory when he doesn't pitch forward to the ground and manages to get himself upright with said notes.
"You look thinner than usual. And your eye bags seem worse than the time you crammed for your second year finals." Akaashi comments, eyes looking Kuroo up and down. "What did you last eat?"
"Hmm…. Instant ramen?" Kuroo hums as he flicks through his notes.
"You ate instant ramen for breakfast?" Akaashi looks at him in disbelief.
"No, I ate it for dinner. About 3 days back maybe? Can't really remember."
"… When did you last sleep?" Akaashi's voice is hard now and Kuroo abandons his search for his favourite pencil to look at him.
"What's happening?" Tsukishima's drawl suddenly interrupts and Kuroo is glad for the distraction.
"Kuroo hasn't been eating. Nor sleeping from the looks of it." Akaashi says before Kuroo could. Tsukishima's brow rises in question and Kuroo suddenly feels anger at the both of them.
"It's none of your business, Akaashi. What's with the twenty questions anyway?" Kuroo snaps, flinging his things into his bag. "You know what, I'm gonna skip. See you guys later."
Kuroo leaves, anger pulsing through his veins and throwing everything into sharp relief. He manages to stomp through the courtyard and out of campus before the anger dissipates and he collapses onto a park bench.
He thinks he must have passed out because the next thing he knows is that Bokuto was gently shaking him awake.
"Bro. You alright? What are you doing taking a nap out here?"
"Nnnghh, Bokuto?"
"Yeah. Come on."
Kuroo stumbles along as Bokuto pulls him to his feet and starts dragging him somewhere.
"Where are we going?"
"My place. You're obviously not well enough for classes so we're gonna have a sleepover!" Bokuto chirps excitedly, grinning back at Kuroo.
"… Akaashi said something, didn't he?" Kuroo deadpans, really not in the mood for a sleepover right now. "And I didn't bring any of my stuff."
"As if that stopped you and Ke - you before." Bokuto scoffs, though he doesn't look back and Kuroo can tell that he had gone a little tense. They fall silent the rest of the way until Yaku and Lev arrives with Akaashi, Lev's usual noise adding relief to the tension in Kuroo's body.
They ended up on the couch, all five of them smushed together after dinner, watching movies.
Kuroo found himself at his childhood home, in the garden. He has the vague knowledge that he's having a dream and so he doesn't feel surprised when two small children suddenly materializes in front of him.
His hair truly was terrible.
He watches as his younger self pulls along a reluctant young Kenma, talking excitedly about volleyball.
He chuckles when young Kenma tries to receive for the first time, the ball smacking onto his face and young Kenma making a noise of pain. He smiles as his younger self immediately goes to young Kenma, soothing the bruise on his forehead.
"I don't wanna play anymore! That hurt." Young Kenma pouts and Kuroo feels his heart warm at the cute gesture.
"Ehhhh, don't be like that Kenma! I promise I'll spike the next one properly!" his younger self whines.
"Volleyball is a team sport right? What if the other team spikes it at me? I don't wanna!"
Kuroo watches as his younger self thinks for a moment before breaking into a grin.
"Don't worry! I promise I'll always protect you!"
He's missed this.
Kuroo revels at the smile that graces Kenma's face, committing it to memory. He steps forward, wanting to get closer to his Kenma when the scene suddenly breaks like glass shards, falling away to reveal the older Kenma, clad in his usual hoodie and Nekoma's gym clothes, head bowed.
"K-Kenma?" Kuroo manages to stutter out, panicking even though he knew that this must be a dream but unable to stop himself from reaching out to him.
"Why?" Kuroo freezes at the anger and betrayal lacing the words. He had never heard Kenma with that tone before and it feels like a punch to the gut.
"Wha –"
"You promised that you would protect me! Yet you failed! I'm dead because you couldn't keep one simple promise!" Kenma's head snaps up to look at him and Kuroo feels his chest contract with pain at the disgust in those golden eyes.
"I – I tried!" Kuroo blurts, pleading, hand outstretched to hold Kenma.
"You didn't try hard enough!" Kenma snaps, slapping Kuroo's hand away and Kuroo feels his heart crack. "Nothing you did was ever enough! I should have never trusted you!"
Kuroo gasps as the skin at Kenma's arms starts to tear, blood flowing down his hands and splashing onto the ground.
"NO! " Kuroo lunges forward, hands wrapping desperately around Kenma's arms, trying to stop the flow. Kenma tries to pull away from him but Kuroo holds fast, determined not to let Kenma go a second time. He couldn't fail again.
"Let me go! I hate you!"
Time seemed to freeze; the white background falling away and replaced by the ceiling. Kuroo registers the fact that he was awake, that it was all just a dream but the thought is too muted to the vivid image of Kenma's eyes, wet with tears and hate.
"Kuroo?" Yaku's voice filtered through Kuroo's consciousness but he doesn't react, cant. He was frozen under that gaze, a gaze he never thought he would ever see grace Kenma's face. The thought that it never was on Kenma's face, that the one he saw was his own twisted imagination pops up and tries to break through to him but it's too weak to the hallucination.
"Kuroo! Hey, are you okay?!" The tears streaming from his wide eyes registers at the back of his mind but other than that nothing changes. He hears sounds, panicked murmurs and shuffling but they sound too far away, as though underwater. Funny, his vision seemed to blur, he could barely see the ceiling properly but Kenma's face remains clear, to remind him of his failure.
"He isn't breathing!" A shrill voice suddenly cuts through the fog, and Kuroo only has time to curse inwardly at Lev for the abuse to his ear when an arm suddenly grabs him, pulling him up. He comes face to face with Bokuto's tired concerned eyes, dissipating Kenma's face from Kuroo's vision before Bokuto stands and starts slapping his back, making Kuroo pull in a breath reflexively.
Akaashi suddenly appears as well, taking Kuroo's hand as he coughs violently, trying to suck in the air his body had been declining him. Eventually he calms down, Bokuto's hand rubbing circles on his back and Akaashi rubbing circles on the back of his hand. Lev came back to drape a blanket over Kuroo's shoulder while Yaku gave him a glass of water that Kuroo merely holds with the hand not held by Akaashi.
Yaku and Lev eventually settles on the floor beside Kuroo's bed and Kuroo doesn't have to look up to know of the worry etched on their faces, the concern literally radiating from all of them. Bokuto eventually stops rubbing his back but leans against him, warm weight welcome as Kuroo feels it grounding him. They stay that way for a long time; Kuroo's breathing gradually slowing to normal and the tears that he never bothered to wipe away slowly drying on his face.
The thought that he should feel embarrassment goes through his mind but he's too exhausted to feel it. He briefly thinks with amusement that Lev was being unusually quiet but then remembers the only other time he had been quiet which promptly kills Kuroo's amusement.
"Kuroo." Kuroo glances up at Akaashi and flinches at the stoic look on his face. The expression looks so similar to Kenma's that it literally hurts to look, especially now and so he averts his eyes back down to his lap. He feels Akaashi squeeze his hand and he knows that Akaashi must have figured it out because he doesn't call him again. Instead he urges Kuroo to take a sip of the water before he places it onto the bedside table.
He hears Yaku sigh and then walk out of the room. Kuroo wonders for a second whether Yaku was fed up with him but then Yaku comes back, arms laden with blankets which he starts to lay across the entire floor.
"Lev, could you get more pillows? We're all going to sleep here together." Yaku says as he looks over at the trio on Kuroo's bed. Kuroo feels Bokuto nod before he and Akaashi gets up, Akaashi pulling Kuroo along by the hand while Bokuto grabs the pillows on the bed.
They manhandle him to lie down in the middle, the rest curling up all around him. Kuroo is frankly sure that next morning would see them tangled with each other hopelessly, with Lev's knee or elbow poking his ribs and face but for the moment, Kuroo doesn't care.
The warmth pressing around him is soothing after the nightmare and lulls him into a thankfully dreamless sleep.
XXXXXX
Kuroo skips his classes the next day. Instead he spends the day catching up with his old Nekoma team. Yaku had called those that didn't have any morning classes for an impromptu meet up before Kuroo had woken up and they spent the day laughing and reminiscing.
They had to leave for classes in the afternoon so Kuroo left the apartment as well, letting his feet take him wherever. Which unsurprisingly lead him to Kenma. Kuroo shifts a little, tucking his legs in as his eyes travel idly across Kenma's name engraved on the stone.
He sighed softly, relaxing as the air moved softly around him. Coupled with the sunset, it was the kind of weather that people would paint, would photograph, could fall asleep in.
It reminded him of Kenma. It made him feel soft and warm, and he can almost imagine Kenma curling up next to him, pressed against his side like he always did before. It made him feel like he does when Kenma focuses his bright gold cat-like eyes on him, from before the fog had entered Kenma's life or the rare moments that the fog lifted from its perpetual hold on him. It made him feel like all the other times where he spilled deep dark secrets to his best friend, knowing that Kenma wouldn't judge him.
Come on, tell me.
"I'm sorry." A whisper, unbidden from his throat. Kuroo blinks in surprise and he feels his throat constrict, as though to prevent himself from speaking more. The feeling is overwhelming though, as though Kenma was staring at him. And he always broke under it.
"I'm so sorry." For failing to protect you, even from yourself.
"I tried. I tried so hard. You know I did. Won't you give me another chance?"
Kuroo says just as the wind starts to kick up, buffeting his hair into more of a mess.
Don't be stupid, Kuro.
Kuroo laughs brokenly, cursing as he feels tears fall. He tucks his legs closer to himself, burying his face in his arms in an attempt not to cry in front in front of Kenma. Which was ridiculous, since Kenma wasn't actually here to see him cry his heart out.
Why, why did you have to leave me?
Why didn't he say it before it was too late?
"I love you. Please… come back." The wind starts to die down into a breeze, gently caressing his skin and Kuroo sobs as he curls up over the grave.
I'm sorry too, Kuro.
XXXXXX
"Tetsurou?"
Kuroo blinks into consciousness at the voice, yawning as he stretches his limbs, the joints popping due to the foetal position he had been sleeping in the night before. It's only when he registers that Kenma's mom is standing above him that he shoots up, suddenly alert.
"Kozume-san! I'm so sorry; I didn't realize it was you." Kuroo hurriedly fixes his rumpled clothes, carding a hand through his hair to try and flatten it.
"It's alright," Kozume-san chuckles, setting down her bag. "Did you sleep here?"
"Ah… yeah." Kenma's mom merely nods at his answer, as though it wasn't weird to find someone sleeping in a cemetery. They fall silent, Kuroo watching as Kenma's mom started to clean up the grave a little.
"I'm sorry." Kuroo suddenly blurts out, still feeling open and vulnerable from the night before.
Kozume-san lifts a brow as she turns to face him.
"I didn't… I didn't protect him. I wasn't able to stop him. I'm – "
"It's not your fault." Kozume-san interrupts, "there's nothing you need to apologize for."
Kuroo nods, not trusting himself to speak.
"We've always been together. Even when I graduated and went to another school, it was always understood that he would follow. It's the first time that he went ahead without me, that it wasn't me who left first." Kuroo suddenly blurts out, bowing his head to look at the ground the next second in embarrassment.
They fall silent and Kuroo was about to start rambling just to fill it when a hand on his arm stops him.
"It must be disconcerting for you." Kozume-san starts, golden eyes staring at him just like how her son used to that Kuroo has to fight not to look away. "I just hope you understand that even if this is the first time he went ahead, you can't follow after him."
Kuroo tenses but doesn't say anything, looking away. He doesn't want to lie to her, to tell her that she doesn't have to worry, that he had never thought of following Kenma. Because he has, the thought is constantly running around his head, even now.
And knowing her, she'll probably be able to know a lie the moment it leaves his mouth.
They fall into a tense silence, Kuroo wringing the hem of his jacket under the pressure of her gaze on him until Kozume-san finally sighs, grief and weariness making it heavy.
"Like you said, the both of you were always together. You are as much a son to me as Kenma is. And I'm sure that Kuroo-san feels the same way about my Kenma." Kozume-san smiles a little, taking his hand.
"If nothing else, please don't let us experience the loss of another child." Kozume-san trails off at the end, leaning forward to pull him into a tight hug.
"I should have been with him." Kuroo croaks out, tears falling as he returned the hug.
"Oh Tetsurou," Kozume-san whispered through her own tears. "I'm sure he was glad he had you till the end."
XXXXXX
Kuroo arrives at Bokuto's and Akaashi's apartment late in the afternoon, having been banned from going to his own apartment by Akaashi in the morning, surprised to find the orange-haired chibi-chan from Karasuno.
Kuroo had to take a moment for his brain to remember his name.
"Who're you texting?"
"Shouyou."
"Hey, do you need something?" Kuroo calls out as he comes closer and Shouyou literally jumps at the sound.
"Tsukishima said that you weren't feeling well. I went to your apartment but no one answered so I thought you might be at Bokuto-san's since you're best friends and that's why I came here." Shouyou starts to babble, looking anywhere but at Kuroo.
Tsukishima?
"I'm not sick."
"He didn't mean physically." Shouyou replies, gaze suddenly intense as he stares right into Kuroo's eyes. "Can I come in?"
"Uh…sure." Kuroo says as he leads him in. Kuroo remembers how excited Kenma would usually get regarding anything about Shouyou, how Kenma would instantly light up at the mention of the little guy even though the two of them couldn't be any more different.
"Do you uh, want tea or something?"
Kuroo had never seen Kenma warm up to a person that fast. It had even taken Kuroo longer to become close with Kenma.
He's good for Kenma.
"No, it's fine." Shouyou sits on the couch, nervousness back. "I thought maybe you might want to talk?"
He might have been more able to save Kenma than you.
"Talk? About what? My feelings? What would you know?" Kuroo snaps back, words harsh and bitter. He regrets it instantly, cursing the damn voice in his head for getting to him. "Sor –"
"You're right; I won't know what you're feeling. I probably won't ever understand." Shouyou says, unfazed. "But Kenma was my friend too."
"It's fine if you don't want to talk, I just felt like I needed to say this to you." Shouyou continues, fingers intertwining on his lap. "Kenma mentioned before that you might need to hear it."
That has Kuroo almost snapping his neck in half to stare at him.
"What do you mean?"
"It's just… he's said before that he wanted to kill himself." Shouyou frowns; and Kuroo can see his eyes starting to shine with tears. "And he'll tell me that you'd probably be devastated and what he wished he would be able to tell you himself. He said that you'd need to hear it."
"He said it many times and never actually went through it so I thought he wouldn't ever, I'm so sorry." Shouyou ends with a sniffle, looking so guilty that Kuroo felt bad for snapping at him earlier.
"You didn't know, couldn't have known. None of us did." Kuroo cleared his throat awkwardly. "What… What would Kenma have wanted to say to me?"
Shouyou wipes his eyes a little before he inhales and nods.
"It's okay. It's not your fault."
"I would never hate you."
"I love you."
"I'm sorry."
"Thank you for everything."
Shouyou falls silent for a moment before his eyes come up to meet Kuroo's, shining and clear.
"I'm sure he'll want you to continue living."
"I know." Kuroo feels his throat tighten but doesn't break the gaze.
"I miss him."
"I miss him too."
XXXXXX
Kuroo locks the door after Shouyou leaves, his feet automatically taking him to the person who's been like a mom to both Kuroo and Kenma since high school and who was a comfort to have nearby when they moved out from their parents.
Kuroo snorts when he tries the door and it opens, he's said so many times that it was dangerous to leave it unlocked but has to admit that it makes it more convenient for him.
Kuroo finds Yaku sitting on the couch, sipping a mug of tea and reading the newspaper. The scene looks so domestic that Kuroo would have teased Yaku for being an old man if he wasn't feeling so emotionally drained.
"Yaku."
Yaku looks up, a flash of surprise on his face before it softens, Yaku placing his newspaper on the table and making room for Kuroo on the couch immediately. Kuroo stretches along the couch, pillowing his head on Yaku's lap, who starts to card his hand through Kuroo's hair.
"It'll be okay." Yaku murmurs, massaging Kuroo's scalp as he goes along; occasionally moving his hand down to pet at Kuroo's neck and shoulders.
He spends the rest of the night there, Yaku petting him the entire time till he fell asleep.
XXXXXX
12 MONTHS LATER
Kuroo stands in front of Kenma's grave, hands in his pocket as he smiles wistfully at the fresh bouquet of flowers. Kozume-san must have stopped by earlier. There's a slight breeze that makes the petals move slightly and generally gives the place a serene atmosphere.
He sighs as he sits, tucking his feet beneath him and leaning forward till his forehead touches the cool stone. He stays that way for a moment, eyes closed, just breathing in the scent of flowers and stone and feeling the breeze wash over him before he starts to speak.
"I've been doing well, slowly getting my life back together."
"I sold our apartment. I'm going to crash with Bokuto and Akaashi until I find my feet again. I took your belongings with me. I've already asked your parents and they were fine with it so I hope you don't mind."
"Your parents don't actually hate me after all. They're just sad that you're not here anymore. They'll be fine though. I'll make sure to take care of them for you."
"It's hard, so hard without you. But don't worry about me, I'll endure it."
"I miss you. I miss you so much. Even now, I wish I could have done something to help you."
"I'll always remember you in my dreams and prayers."
"I love you."
"I'll live for the both of us."
"See you later."
END