Disclaimer: I can't claim ownership for anyone in this little one-shot.
Summary: Set in L1701E's Misfit universe, Beast goes out for a drink and runs into someone else trying to escape life. Hyjinx ensue.
Drinking Buddies
No matter how much he loved to teach, he sometimes felt that this particular job wasn't worth the joy of educating young people. Especially after Forge's latest experiment, which involved some massive sparrows and, accordingly, massive sparrow droppings. All Hank McCoy wanted was to drown his troubles in whatever the bartender's strongest drink was. Alone.
He entered the bar clad in an image inducer, which made him look like himself de-furred and in a casual white t-shirt and a pair of loose-fitting khaki pants. Snatching the first empty seat he could find, he ordered a glass of something or another and let out a long-held sigh. The man next to him turned to look.
"What are you running from?" the man asked. He had orange hair and wore a gray t-shirt under a black leather jacket, faded jeans, and motorcycle boots. Hank shrugged.
"Kids." The mutant replied. "I work at a private academy, and my students are driving me crazy. Of course, since I live with them in the dormitories, I can't escape their insanity unless I come here. What about you?"
"Idiot relatives." The other fellow snorted. "And houseguests."
"Can it get worse than a science experiment trying to eat you?"
"Some of the houseguests enjoy blowing things up."
"So do the students. Funny thing about teenagers: they love making explosions."
"Tell me about it. My older brother's let some crazy teenagers stay with us in addition to his daughter. There's about five of them there now, and they're driving me crazy."
"Some days it's not a long trip."
"I'll drink to that." The man said, taking a swig of tequila. "Hey, this is some good stuff."
"I'll have whatever he's having." Hank bellowed. "I'm Hank."
"Zandar. Pleased to meet you." The other man smiled.
Half an hour and several rounds of Patron later, the pair were singing bar songs in Spanish. Right up until a burly man in a bandana became seriously angered at the two mutants.
"Hey! Will you two nuts shut it?!" The colossal biker shouted.
"Why would we?" Hank asked. "We're living it up!"
"You'll be beat up if you don't hush!" The biker shouted.
"We are conquistadors!" Zandar exclaimed. "Great messengers of brutality!"
"Yes, Conquistadors!" Hank declared. "We will dispatch your knavish soul!"
"I'd love to see you try, freak." Biker yelled. "Yeah, I know you teach at that mutie school, so just drop the disguise and get out!"
"What've you got against mutants?" Zandar slurred. "I say we make this heathen pay!"
"Indeed!" Hank growled. "Charge!"
And charge they did. Hank used his brute strength to toss the man into a table, while Zandar became invisible and proceeded to take out several of the biker's buddies. After which, Hank grabbed an umbrella and wielded it as a spear or lance.
"It is time to leave, I feel." Hank said as his companion reappeared beside him. "Let us depart!"
"You said it, brother!" Zandar shouted. "I know when I'm not wanted!"
So they left, crawled into one of the Institute cars that Hank drove, and sped off to another bar.
"Whooo hooo!" Zandar shouted. "I've never felt so aliiive!"
"We are conquistadors!" Hank whooped. "We must conquer all in the name of Spain!!"
"Ole!" Zandar yelled. "But first, we find more tequila!"
"Completamente!" Hank shouted, burning rubber into the next parking lot.
Meanwhile…
BOOM
CRASH
"Sorry!"
"Damn, where is Hank?" Logan grunted. "He's supposed to be in the infirmary!"
"Uh, I think I saw him drive off a while ago." Scott said in passing. "Bobby! Put down that bat!"
"Count on Hank to run off when we need him." Logan muttered, stalking off.
"Where are you going?" Scott asked. "Amara! You cannot send any more pictures to Starchild! Half the team had heart attacks when they saw the last ones!"
"To find our missing mutant." Logan said. "And a decent bar."
"It's my turn to watch the TV!" Buzzer shouted.
"No, I wanna watch it!" Monkeywrench yelled.
"It's mine!"
"Mine!"
KABOOM!
"What the hell was that?" Zarana asked.
"Sorry!" Torch yelped. "Dinner's ready!"
"Or burned." The female Dreadnok muttered. "Has anyone seen the kids?"
"They're playing Halo in the other room." Gnawgahyde stated. "Why?"
"Just making sure everybody's here." She said. "Now where the hell is my idiot twin?"
"He ain't here?" Ripper asked.
"No. If he were, I wouldn't be asking." She said.
"Maybe he's out bar-hopping." Gnawgahyde said. "Even if he isn't he'll either be home by morning or will call asking us to bail him out of jail."
"You have a point." She sighed. "Oh, of all the times for Zartan to run off!" She walked toward the door.
"Where are you running off to?" Ripper asked.
"You know, you're right." She said. "Why run alone?"
"Uh oh." Gnawgahyde groaned. "We're going after him, aren't we?"
"What do you think?" she asked.
Sometime later, Wolverine had tracked Beast to the Bayville Museum. The sign out front advertized an exhibit on the gold of the Aztec empire. The feral sighed.
"Why would he be here of all places?" The short man grumbled (1), walking up to the tightly closed front doors. "Now, how in blazes…" he trailed off, picking Hank's scent up from the roof. "Uh oh."
"Logan, where are you?" Xavier asked mentally.
"The museum." Logan replied. "You better send the team, Chuck. I smell trouble brewing."
Inside the museum, Hank and Zandar donned old suits of armor, tied up the guards, and bent over the gold coins on display.
"There it is." Hank said. Due to his burly size, all he was able to squeeze into was the helmet, gauntlets, and lower portions of his armor. It looked rather ridiculous up next to his blue furred skin. "The gold of the Aztecs! And soon it will be ours!"
"Yes." Zandar said. Unlike Hank, he had managed to get on most of his suit. Except for the shoes. "We must take it back with us to Spain. As tribute to our great Queen Isabella."
"For the Queen!" Hank bellowed, smashing the glass display case and swiping a pawfull of coins.
"Good god, where is he?" Zarana muttered as she steered her bike around a corner. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a black SUV pull out of a side street. The van bore the X-emblem.
"Wasn't that the X-Men?" Gnawgahyde asked. He and Zanya (who had been kicked out of the Halo tournament) sat in his tan jeep while Ripper drove his bike.
"Looked like them." Zarana said through the communicator in her helmet. "I guess my idiot twin must have started a fight with one of them."
"I just hope we get there before that Wolverine dude skewers him." Zanya muttered.
"For the glory of Spain!!" Hank shouted, waving a saber around like a flagstaff, the tan polo shirt he'd worn earlier waving atop it like a pennant. "We shall be knighted!"
"I thought only the English knighted people?" Zandar slurred in his fake Mexican accent.
"No matter!" Hank stumbled around, a pouchful of gold in his free hand. "We will return this treasure to King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella and be honored!"
"And rich!" Zandar chimed in.
"That too!" Hank smiled stupidly. Suddenly, the X-Men burst in through the hole the two mutants had cut through the roof.
"Stop before we… Mr. McCoy?" Cyclops froze, taking in the spectacle. "What are you doing?"
"And where did he find the armor?" Gambit blinked.
"I am Senor McCoy! Royal conquistador for his majesty King Ferdinand of Spain!" Beast boomed.
"And I am his fellow conquistador Zandar!" Zandar declared, drawing his own saber clumsily.
"Zandar?" Cyclops gaped. "As in the Dreadnok, Zandar?"
"Looks like ol' Hank found himself a bar-buddy." Logan chuckled.
"I want to know where he finds these costumes." Peter stated. "They don't sell them at Wal-Mart."
"Why would he go there?" Bobby asked. "We're still banned from that time we ran into the Brotherhood while grocery shopping!"
"Forget that! What are they doing here?" Kurt asked.
"ZANDAR!!" A woman shouted from the roof. "IF YOU ARE IN THERE, YOU BETTER GET YOUR PLASTERED ASS BACK UP ON THIS ROOF RIGHT NOW!!"
"I think his sister wants him to come home." Kitty stated.
"Do not order me around, woman!" Zandar yelled back up at the hole.
"You jerk!" Zarana shouted as she jumped down the hole. "How dare you—oh my god! What the hell are you wearing?"
"Blasphemer!" Zandar bellowed.
"Oh no." Gnawgahyde said as he and Zanya followed after Zarana. "It seems he's gotten into the tequila, again."
"Just what we needed. A repeat of last Christmas." Zanya groaned.
"Does he act like this often?" Wolverine grunted.
"Unfortunately." The pink-haired woman groaned. "I never thought Torch trying to burn down the kitchen would be the highlight of my evening."
"Quick! We must flee!" Hank said. "These strangers are not like us! They must be British!"
"Indeed!" Zandar shouted. "Which means, we must take them out as we depart! Charge!"
"Oh lord." Zanya moaned.
"You said it." Jean Grey sighed. "Beast, I didn't want to do this, but you leave me no choice." She closed her eyes and used her telepathy to knock the hairy man unconscious. However, her mental ability failed to affect Zandar.
"He's wearing some kind of blocker." The red-head said. "I can't pick up anything."
"Allow me." Zarana sneered, turning invisible as her twin brother stopped to stare.
"Ai! What sort of enchantment is this?" he asked as a rather large stick collided with his helmet. "Owwww! All the ringing."
"Suck it up, you baby." His sister growled, yanking the ancient helm off of his head. "We're going home!"
"And this is why we can't leave him alone." Zanya quipped, turning to the X-Men. "Can we just forget this whole night happened?"
"Gladly." Wolverine snorted. "We need to get Sir Sheds-a-lot back to the mansion before he comes to again anyway."
"Done." Zarana nodded, dragging her brother along behind her.
"Unhand me you wench!"
"Shut up before I kill you!"
"You cannot kill an invincible Spanish warrior!"
FWACK.
"Oooh." Bobby winced. "That's gotta hurt." Zarana, who'd knocked her twin senseless, continued to drag her brother behind her as she walked.
"At least is shut him up." Gnawgahyde grumbled, walking to the front doors behind his female teammates.
"I believe the whole of us can run around Bayville in our underwear and still not be any weirder than tonight." Gambit muttered.
"Can we just worry about getting back to the mansion?" Rogue groaned. Jean gasped.
"You mean we're not going after the Dreadnoks?"
"A truce is a truce, Red." Wolverine said. "No matter how insane it may be."
"Does anyone else think this won't be the last time those two get wasted together?" Gambit groaned as the group walked outside.
"God, I hope you're wrong about that." Cyclops stated. "Beast's adventures with Stark are quite enough for one lifetime." (&)
&. In L1701E's Misfiverse, Beast and Iron Man like to drink whiskey and attack the "British".
I hope you enjoyed this little one-shot. If you didn't, let me know. If you did, definitely let me know! I live for feedback!