Eyes Like Twins
oooooooooooooo
I recognize that smile
Our winter was oh so cold
You wore your mysterious cloak just like a child
No careless words were said
We spoke with eyes instead
We looked into each other like long lost friends
One minute she was there, the next ... her viper was a fireball in space. He'd envisioned it so many times in his mind through so many battles but he'd never been able to complete the thought ... Kara dead, gone, forever. Somehow in his imaginings he'd always figured she'd find a way out - she'd eject or some miracle of fate would step in and pull her out of harm's way before the final act. But this time was different.
She wasn't coming back.
Every time he closed his eyes all he could see was her smile. It held so much, was so full of ... everything. The one he remembered best was the last one he'd ever seen - the one she'd given him when he'd offered to fly her wing in order to get her back out there after her scare with the raider. It had been so long since he'd seen that sweet friendly smile that said 'I know you'd willingly give your life for me and I'd do the same'. The smiles they'd exchanged over the previous months, years even, had been lecherous, 'come frak me' smiles that had played havoc, teasing each other till they couldn't resist and finally following through, screwing up everyone's lives past repair.
Even though that had been all they'd been willing to give each other he'd known there was so much more. That smile had proven it. He knew in that moment -that smile was etched in his mind - that despite his attempts to forget her and move on with Dee, Kara was never going to be far from him. Her ghost was going to haunt him for the rest of his life.
But then you went away
And I never heard
You had a summer haunt
You said the ice would kill
But you would not be caught
It's my fault. It's all my fault. I pushed you to get back in that cockpit - I made you face your fears and told you it would be okay. I promised I'd watch your back just like old times but I let you down.
I let you die.
You'll never be a part of my life again, ever. Apollo and Starbuck are over. I thought we were over back when you left to go to New Caprica and I got promoted to Commander. It didn't seem like we'd ever fly together again, never experience the only simplicity our relationship ever had. Flying was the one thing we did together that worked without effort - we knew ourselves, knew each other, trusted ourselves and trusted each other with our lives. I thought it was over then and I mourned that loss but it was nothing compared to this feeling - knowing we'll never be together again this side of the next life, if indeed there is one.
I should have held on. I should have grabbed you and held on for dear life when I had the chance.I should have repeated it over and over again until you believed me - I love you Kara Thrace, I love you.
We have eyes like twins
Where your last thought ends my next begins always
Just one heartbeat away
From everything I mean to say oh
Catch me I'm falling for you
Wish for me I'll come running to save you
Touch me I'm calling for you
Remember me, I will never betray you
We have eyes like twins
He shut down after that. Became the dutiful husband Dee wanted and that he'd never been able to be as long as there was even the remotest possibility she could be with him. He'd tried to be faithful to Dee alone - told her he'd been in love with her when he'd asked her to marry him, even though that had been a blatant lie. He'd never realized he was such a good actor.
He hated himself and his job. The CAG's job - to make sure the pilots go out there and do their jobs. He couldn't do it anymore. The guilt was too much - he'd sent so many people to their deaths and though each one of them had taken a small piece of him with them, Kara had taken the most - his heart - not a small chunk, the whole damned thing. Without it he couldn't be Lee Adama, CAG, anymore.
He accepted Roslin's offer to defend Baltar. It seemed like a futile exercise - he wanted to close his hands around the man's throat himself and choke the life out of the scoundrel who'd not only sent hundreds to their death by collaborating with the cylons, but had had his woman, back when she could have been his and his alone. Before Sam. Before Caprica. Before New Caprica. But somehow, somewhere along the line he began to believe in Baltar - to believe in the cause he seemed to stand for. Perhaps the man was a pawn as he kept repeating in his own defence. Perhaps life wasn't what he'd always thought it was - perhaps things were different, or perhaps he was just seeing them differently now that he wasn't seeing them with Kara anymore.
I slept a thousand hours
My heart felt cold as a coward's
You sent a southern breeze like forest fire
I heard those voices too
I dreamed each dream with you
We breathe as one together and shed our tears
But then the trial ended and Lee had nowhere to go. Nowhere except back to his old job, his old life. He did, the dutiful officer as always.
But now he didn't feel anything anymore. He didn't have a heart to feel with. He was a cold-hearted bastard when it came to his work - he became as ruthless as Kara had been with the nuggets. In fact every time he was in the pilots ready room giving a class he could see her, feel her, hear her mocking, superior voice as she told them they'd never amount to anything. Not that she'd have ever let them know it but she'd always been as proud as a mother hen when they'd finally passed their exams and became full-fledged pilots.
She'd been as difficult to understand as anyone he'd ever known. She ran hot and cold, sweet and sassy, brilliant and stupid, obedient and stubborn ... he'd never known which way was up with her, and though he'd never admit it, he'd loved the feeling. He was Lee Adama - the tight-assed son of the Admiral who always did what was expected of him. Feeling like he was spinning head over heels was a sensation that thrilled him like none other and only she'd been able to make him feel it.
But then I woke with you
And my dream came true
I'll never hold you here
I know when winter comes that you will disappear
But she was gone now. Gone forever. That man, that Lee Adama - the one he'd kept carefully hidden except when he was alone with her, no longer existed.
Time marched on, days turned into weeks ... weeks into months ... and before he knew it over two years had gone by. Two years! Where had the time gone? He was living a zombie's life - eating, sleeping, doing his duty ... Dee complained that he was never around. She wanted to have a baby - said they'd been married long enough and it was time. But Lee monitored her cycle very carefully and always made sure he was unavailable during the times conception might occur. The guilt of his and Kara's affair already bound him to her in a suffocating way - adding another reason to stay with her would only kill him. Though there were times he was sure that would be preferable to the way he was living ...
She finally gave up and left him, and though Lee acted the part of the wounded husband, inside he felt nothing. Giving him his freedom only changed one thing - now he could think about Kara constantly and not worry about anything he was thinking coming out in front of her.
We have eyes like twins
Where your last thought ends my next begins always
Just one heartbeat away
From everything I mean to say oh
Catch me I'm falling for you
Wish for me I'll come running to save you
Touch me I'm calling for you
Remember me, I will never betray you
We have eyes like twins
They finally found it - the map to Earth. Everyone was excited ... everyone except himself. It was good news to be sure, especially for those who'd been certain it was there to find, but Lee really didn't care. Life without Kara wasn't living ... no matter where he was.
But he did his part to make sure they got there safely. The cylons had discovered the map as well and it became a race to see who could make it to Earth first. Life, as it had those first few months after the attack, took on an urgency that it hadn't had in years. There was no time to think about the past, about regrets and wishes. There was only a sense of survival - us or them, and Lee rose to the challenge as he always did, and made sure the pilots got them through.
After every battle he sat in the pilots rec long into the nighttime hours, drinking straight from the Ambrosia bottle, imagining Kara sitting there with him, recounting the fight and matching him, shot for shot. There was no one he could share those feelings with except her. They were more alike than he cared to admit - she'd never outright told him but the things she'd alluded to about her childhood spoke of drinking and abuse from her mother. Lee too, and Zak, had suffered from their mother's alcoholism and abuse - mainly verbal, but still painful - and it seemed that Lee also had a fear of reaching out and loving, of allowing yourself to be vulnerable, just like Kara did. He may have been better at hiding how he felt and acting the part everyone expected him to play, while she was out in your face making sure you knew she was hurting, but underneath they weren't all that different. It seemed they'd seen the world with the same eyes after all.
I see red, when you're in danger
And I see blue, when you are crying
All the pictures I believe
You are no stranger
You are no stranger
He began feeling very unsettled for some reason, the closer they got to Earth. It wasn't anything he could put his finger on, just a feeling inside like a thousand butterflies fluttering around wildly. He began dreaming of her again - sometimes of the crash but mostly of her walking through a field in the sunlight, long blonde hair streaming out behind her. Maybe he was envisioning her in heaven? Who knew ... all he knew was that she was invading his waking and sleeping thoughts again and it was driving him crazy. Was she never going to leave him? Was he destined to be haunted by the ghost of Kara Thrace for the rest of his life?
His father objected strongly when he insisted he be on the first Raptor to land on Earth. 'You don't know what you'll find and you're too important an officer to be lost if things go bad' - Adama had said. Didn't matter. Lee knew he had to be first on that planet. He didn't know how he knew it, he just knew. The feelings he'd had had become so strong he hadn't even been able to sleep in days - could barely sit still even in briefings. He walked the corridors endlessly, spend way too many hours in the gym working out, and even took his Viper out when he wasn't on duty, just so he didn't have to be still with his thoughts and feelings. They were driving him absolutely crazy.
We have eyes like twins
Where your last thought ends my next begins always
Just one heartbeat away
From everything I mean to say oh
Catch me I'm falling for you
Remember me, you are no stranger
We have eyes like twins
You are no stranger to me
Just one heartbeat away
He set foot on the planet and the vibration gave him a buzz like he'd never felt before. It was astounding.
She was here, he could sense it.
He looked around wildly, eyes desperately searching the people looking on for the familiar blonde head.
You're dreaming it, his mind kept repeating. You're dreaming it - she died, she's gone and you just can't let go.
There she was - standing a little distance away, looking at him with longing like he'd never seen before from her.
He pushed past the marines, knocking one of them to the ground. He didn't care - after three years apart he needed to touch her, feel her, smell her, taste her ... hold her in his arms and tell her he loved her over and over till she believed it.
He swept her up in his arms and spun around and around in circles, heart pounding with joy at feeling her warm and alive against him.
"Kara, oh Kara ... I've missed you so," he whispered into her neck, drinking in the smell of her.
"I love you Lee, I always have and I always will," she whispered back, face buried in his shoulder. "Every day I prayed you would come and find me. That you wouldn't have given up on me. But I knew it was too much to ask. I know how it looked - I was sure you'd believed I died and that you'd have gone on with your life. But all the time - every single day - I prayed you'd remember me and that you missed me." She hung her head shamefully.
Lee put a finger under her chin and held it up so he could look in her eyes. "I love you Kara. I could never forget you. Without you I wasn't alive - I survived but I wasn't really living. You drive me crazy and sometimes I hate you but I can't live without you. I promise you that whatever happens I will never forget you."
fin