~ Seeing Past The Ruin~

Lavender/Seamus

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

A/N: For Cheeky Slytherin Lass' 'Potter Games Competiton', Round One. The prompts were 'ruin', 'whisper', 'feather', 'watching the rain' and the Stevie Nicks lyric, "Well I've been afraid of changing 'cause I built my life around you."

I traced the scar with a feather-light touch, and cringed at my reflection. Where there had once been a pleasant, smiling face, there was now only ruin. The scar would forever be a reminder of my brush with death.

My soul had wavered that day, leaking from my wound with my blood and threatening to take me away to a world beyond the veil. It was as light and evanescent as a feather, and just one small gust could have taken it from me. I was a breath away from ceasing to live, but I was brought back from the brink.

Some days I wish I had just passed there and then.

The scar itself was a jagged, pink, fleshy thing, beginning under my left eye and zigzagging roughly across my cheek and down my neck. My face was like a vase that had cracked and though repaired, would always bear the ragged reminder.

It was ugly, I know. But you, Seamus, you would always tell me how beautiful I looked. It was a lie. It must have been. How could anyone think that this…this ruin of a face was pretty?

So I left you. I couldn't bear to see you pretend anymore. It hurt every time I watched your eyes flicker to the scar, and even when you weren't staring at it, you were trying your hardest not to. It was a physical barrier, that you could never look past. I was still the same Lavender, really, but all you saw was a poor girl that you used to love, with a horrific reminder of the hardships we had all faced.

Now that I was alone, I could keep to myself, staying at home, locked in my room. My parents were worried about me at first, but before long, even they gave up on me.

They would knock on my door at intervals throughout the day, and leave meals outside my door. I would wait until they had gone, and then slip out and slide the plate into my room. If I couldn't bear my own reflection, why should I inflict my face on anyone else's eyes?

So I lived a solitary existence, for a time, and would fill my days with dreams and songs, wishing for the time before the war ever begun.

The only thing I seemed to enjoy these days was watching the rain.

I liked the way it could wash away the dirt and dust, and leave behind nothing but the fresh ground. It was hope in a drought, and provided life after such long periods of death. I wished the rain could do the same for me as it did to nature. I wished it could wash away my pain, and my scar, and leave me as I was before, full of life and hope.

But it was too late for any of that now.

I was falling into some pit of despair, or something of the sort. My life was an endless daze of sadness, rain and loneliness. It was self-inflicted, that was certain, but it was a loneliness all the same. I craved company, but pushed it away all the same.

I wanted to be alone, but I hated being lonely.

It was in these moments that I wished I hadn't pushed you out, Seamus. But I had my pride, and my fear, and I couldn't take you back. Not now. It was all too far gone.

I often thought back to how it was before, with your whispering kisses and silent looks. They were precious moments; perfect, every single one. I wished I was whole again.

But then memories struck me, bombarding my senses with thoughts and feelings. There was you, telling me that nothing would ever stop you loving me. You, kissing my hair and forehead, opening your heart to me, spilling it.

There was something in those actions…

Something told me that they weren't done lightly. Love wasn't a word that was just to be used in a throwaway sense. They meant something, those three words. You wouldn't have said them to me if you didn't truly mean them… would you?

But my scar…

There was a soft knock on my bedroom door, and I just knew it was you.

I had always wondered why you couldn't you just let it be. But I knew that you were here for a reason, so I let you in. You didn't need to say anything. The look in your eyes told me everything that I needed to know.

It wasn't you who had thought such terrible things about me. It wasn't you who couldn't look past my scar, and couldn't see the real me.

It was me all along.

I was the one who couldn't get past what had happened. I was the one who had been relying so much on my looks, that when they were taken from me, I couldn't seem to function. I inflicted my own insecurities on you, and made you into the bad guy, when really, I was being my own worst enemy.

But that look in your eyes…

It told me that I was wrong, and that when you said I was beautiful, it was what you truly believed in your heart.

It made me realise something.

I'd been so afraid of changing, because I'd built my life around using my looks to get me to the places I wanted to be. But you loved me, and I knew for a fact that if I was ever going to start my life again, I would have to change everything I was. I would have to lose all the shallowness that had ever tainted my mind, and instead realise that the only beauty that mattered was the one inside.

After all, looks could fade, but the heart was always true.

You whispered my name, but I quietened you with a finger to your lips. There was pain in your expression, but I knew it wasn't for your own sake. It never was.

It was pain for me.

I knew that now.