Because of You, a twilight fanfic

Because of You

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or the song 'Because of You' by Kelly Clarkson.

BPOV

I felt dead.

That was the best word to describe the state of my life. Technically, I was still alive – heart still beating (no matter how many times I'd wished he would end it), lungs still breathing, blood still pumping, all of it uncontrollable. Nothing was controlled anymore.

But my mind, at least, was dead. There were no thoughts other than attempting to act normal, and there were no feelings. What was there left to feel?

I will not make the same
mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

I couldn't remember any life without him. And I didn't know how to live now.

There was no girl from Phoenix in my memory. I could never be that girl anymore. The girl who didn't live, didn't smile, didn't stand out, didn't love. And even he couldn't change the memories I would hold forever.

But I felt like a blank page. The end page in a story. Our story was over, had been for a while. But my life sadly didn't end as soon as he was gone. My heart and mind died, but my body wouldn't. So, here I was, attempting to hold on to my memories, and forget them, all at once.

I didn't know how to live – remember and deal with the pain, or forget and be numb? That was what I'd chosen now – the pain was immeasurable. And unlike the transformation I'd longed for, there was no sure end, and nothing good at the end if there even was one. No him.

My life in Forks had revolved around him. There was nothing as important as important as him, from the very first day. He'd been a mystery, begging to be solved. And then he'd been this beautiful, fascinating creature that I had cared for, foolishly. And then, then he had been to most amazing, intriguing, intelligent, wonderful, kind, compassionate, funny, charming, chivalrous person I'd ever met. Could I blame him for leaving simple, measly me?

I had always known I wasn't good enough for him. Who was? Well, obviously, there was some perfect girl out there somewhere. And I was sure he'd find her someday. He had forever after all.

Unlike me. I would never move on from him. Because I'd had the best I could possibly ever get, and nothing, no one, would ever compare. I doubted I would ever date another guy. I couldn't. I wasn't broken – breaking a heart was too simple, too quick and easy. No, a heart was crushed, bruised, beaten, battered, demolished, destroyed, shattered, smashed, stabbed, pulverized. Not broken. He had done much more than break me.

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe
side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
not only me, but everyone
around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I didn't know how to function. I slowly pushed away everything that reminded me of him – I smashed my CDs, stopped watching TV (not that I really did beforehand), and never read from my Jane Austen collection again. I couldn't see his name on the paper. I would fall apart. There was already a hole ripping through me. I could hardly hold myself together anymore.

He'd destroyed me. Completely destroyed me. Maybe he hadn't meant to, but that was what had happened.

I could hardly breathe and often was choking on my own breath. I couldn't go on this way.

I lose my way
And it's not too long
before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's
weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

He was always there – forever, he'd claimed. I had always believed he would keep his promises. I should have known better. He never had before. Why would he now?

He hadn't kept his promise in the hospital, after the car accident. That I could understand. He had a secret to keep, he couldn't expose himself.

But now it was different. He had loved me. He had told me that he fucking loved me!

I couldn't keep doing this. I kept his secrets, unintentionally, and kept my promises to him. I never did anything reckless or stupid. Like I said I wouldn't.

But why? Why did he even care enough to ask me not to be reckless or stupid? Probably so he didn't feel guilty if I was indivertibly killed, like I had been several times. To place the blame elsewhere. He had told me not to be reckless after all.

And I didn't break that promise.

Why couldn't I be reckless and stupid? Purposely break my promises, just like him. Compose half-truths and claim I care. Just like him.

I was afraid of everything now. Afraid that something would remind me of him. I was afraid to go outside, where anything unexpected might trigger the whirlwind of memories. The memories that would assault me.

I couldn't trust anyone now. Not that I spoke with anybody, but I was afraid to let them get close anyhow. They could hurt me just as much. I wouldn't let anyone in. the most harmless, caring people did the most damage to you. I knew.

I had let him in. I had loved him. And he had shattered me.

And I couldn't pick up the pieces. I couldn't even find the pieces.

I watched you die
I heard you cry every
night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better
than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For that same damn thing

He'd had no pain though. He had no regrets. I had no idea if he had even loved me. I didn't know why he would lead me on, and tell me he loved me otherwise… but I had to wonder.

He had never shed a tear (no, it didn't matter that he couldn't cry), never felt any pain in leaving. Or, if he had, he was a damn good actor.

But I could cry. And cry I did.

Every night for a week. That was when I became numb. Hollow.

There were no more tears to shed. There was no sadness, no grief, no loss. There was only the feeling of being numb – as numb as Novocain. Feeling as much as if I were under that anaesthetic.

Numb. Unfeeling.

But I could never forget. I could censor my mind as much as possible, but I would never truly forget. And I would never truly stop hurting.

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe
side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to
forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life
because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

I was dead. I was empty.

And he was never coming back to lift me from this darkness.

I would never stop hurting. I would never stop bleeding. I would never stop loving. I would never stop. Because of him. Because of Edward.

Because of you
Because of you