This is a huge step for me to take, seeing as I've been holding this story for a long time. I have no idea as to how people will respond to it. I've struggled with the ending forever, and I'm still not completely happy. I'm thinking about making a sequel to it, but who knows? I do know I'm deeply in love with these characters. I own nothing of Star Wars or their characters. I hope somebody out there likes this, just one person makes a difference for me...
Sincerely,
Sunnygirl91
When I was told he was dead, I was 17 years old. That seem such a long stretch from now, even only at 19. But two years doubles time the apart, and makes a heart grow weary of waiting. That's how I am now, old inside this youthful body, trapped and waiting on him to come back to me once again. Always waiting...waiting for you, Obi Wan.
He met me, five years ago today...
I was only a princess at that time, resting on Coruscant. The thin air all around me smelled like dry leaves. I missed my home, the ever growing Tallian. But due to my father's illness, and our governments weak system, I was moved for protection. There I was, white silken robes and a fake smile, waving at a city full of doubt on my part.
"Royal Princess Sala Amidela de Meitris of Tallian Empire, welcome to Coruscant." I knew this face all too well, he had been around my family as far as I could remember.
"Master Jinn, thank you for meeting me here." Taking his arm, I walked down the platform of the Jedi Temple.
"How was your trip, milady?"
"Splendid, nothing short of your best treatment, I'm sure." Qui Gon Jinn smiled at my sarcastic comment, as he always did. As we entered the Great Hall, I noticed his eyes wander around the room. I bowed my head, a little embarrassed, feeling as my arrival had interrupted something.
"Master Jinn, are you expecting someone?"
"Oh...no, no miss...my padawan has seemed to have run off is all." When you're 15, my age at the time, hearing of padawans is almost a joke. Young men, strolling behind a leader for the majority of their lives, some never achieving greatness, not leaving so much as a dent in history. But in Qui Gon's eyes, I saw something different. Appreciation. Suddenly, a mousy boy turned the corner of the hall with his classmates and barreled over to Qui Gon.
"Master! Master, I was better today not as..." his eyes widened. He bowed clumsily at my feet, worry on his brow. "Forgive me, milady." I stared up at Qui Gon, who took this with humor. Confused, I shook my head.
"Sorry for what?" The young boy looked up at me, revealing a pair of indigo eyes.
"For speaking out of turn." I smiled and offered him a hand. He rose to his feet, our eyes locked. Still holding his hand, I took a step towards him.
"Never be ashamed for enthusiasm in your lessons, padawan." His smile changed, for he thought I was making fun of him. And in my own way, I was. But something else told me it was far more than that, already brewing inside me. Qui Gon cleared his throat.
"Well, milady, I see you've already met Obi Wan Kenobi. Obi Wan, meet Royal Princess Sala Amidela de..."
"People call me Sala." I interrupted. Obi Wan bowed weakly, and then turned to part ways. Qui Gon stopped him, grabbing his tunic.
"Obi Wan, my dear padawan, please escort the princess to her chamber of the 700th floor. I'm afraid business calls, milady. But no worries, I have complete faith here in Obi Wan to deliver you in one piece. Isn't that right, Kenobi?" The young boy nodded strongly, obviously feeding off the ego boost Jinn had given him. Obi turned with more authority this time, and began to walk one step behind me.
He only talked to give directions, or to say the usual 'excuse me's' and 'here, milady.' I kept my smile close to my lips, and my hands neatly folded behind my back. Finally, we reached a set of dark mahogany doors. Obi Wan shoved them open, and awaited for me to go in. Slowly I stepped over the threshold, looking around the room.
It was wonderful. Light yellows and gold trimmed the walls, a balcony overhung the entire city. My bedroom laid on the left side of the layout, which is where I went directly. I took off my head scarf, laying it on the couch. Obi Wan shifted his feet nervously at the door. I sighed and looked at him.
"I trust my things have already been placed in my room?" He nodded slightly. I crossed my arms. "Then why are you standing in the doorway? Waiting on someone to attack?" His head shot up in response, but he frowned at my teasing smile. I moved to my bedroom and changed.
I slipped into a gray floor length dress, long sleeved with a small neckline. I always seemed to dress sheltered, no skin showing. Nevertheless, Obi Wan's eyes twitched with gleam as I walked out. He had sat down on the couch, and now stood at my presence. As I motioned for him to sit, I began to notice how ridiculous the situation was. Two 15 year old children, relaxing with a stiffness hanging in the air. Finally, I spoke up.
"Qui Gon Jinn must be proud of you. He seemed to trust you with a lot for your age." Obi Wan smiled and crossed his legs.
"Yes, Master has put a lot of faith in me. Much more than what I think sometimes..." I nodded, feeling the weight on his words. He was a old soul, much like me, even through all his young appearance. I remembered my father smiling at me, the obvious pride in his eyes as he bragged on my superiority. How I would lead after he was gone...
I moved to the balcony, feeling the tears burn on the brim of my eyes. Obi Wan became upset himself.
"Milady, what's wrong? Did I offend?" I choked out a laugh as he said those words. I turned to face him, those eyes burning so blue. He was not as small as I thought. In fact, he was a tall boy for his age, his skin toned and body slowly developing strongly.
"Padawan, did you ever feel like having a bit of fresh air?"
"Why yes," he said.
"But did you ever feel like in order to get that fresh air, you would have to travel so very far away?" His voice softened, as he moved close.
"Milady, did you ever feel like the distance to travel was shorter than it seemed?" No more laughing, I stopped breathing at those words. He smiled gently, and gripped my shoulder.
"Everything will be fine. For you, for your kingdom...and your father...milady." tears ran down my face as I clutched him to me. Obi Wan stroked my hair briefly, and slowly let go.
"I must leave, milady. Qui Gon will be expecting me in meditation shortly." He bowed, I nodded, and he went to the door.
"Obi Wan!" I yelled, causing him to pause. "Your faith in my father's health, that he will heal, is it true or just to humor me?" He never laughed, never blinked an eye.
"I have faith your father will not leave this realm until he feels the Force is ready for him." Kenobi left briskly. As I stood there at the balcony, I knew Obi Wan was right.
This would be the first year I met Obi Wan.
It was also the same year, same night of my father's death.
At age 15, I became Royal Queen Sala Amidela de Meitris of Tallian Empire.
With time, my heart healed at the loss of my father's death. Yet, it was harder, seeing as I was not permitted to attend my father's funeral at Tallian. My coronation took place in the Jedi Temple, Obi Wan standing in the back of the room smiling. He had been watching me more and more. Tallian was ran by my regent, Jili Simius, who was my father's best friend. He would stay in control until my 18th year.
At age 16, I was still living on the 700th floor. Obi Wan was starting small missions, traveling all the time. He sent me letters whenever he could, asking me to keep him in mind. I would always laugh them off with my ladies in waiting, talking over the young boy's love. But at night, I took them out, and read them from the balcony. Every day grew to be more and more tiring, with my training as queen becoming rigorous. It was summer, dining in the garden, that a knock came to the gate.
Walking in was a much taller, much stronger looking Obi Wan. He smiled to my guests, and kissed my hand. His soft tan robes hung low around his arms, and I laughed.
"Who's this? A bit too small for your uniform, padawan?" He was no longer a shy boy. He was almost a man, laughing at my words instead of cringing.
"They were tailored for growth, milady. And I see, you yourself have changed your dress." It was true. Upon becoming Queen, my clothes were more elaborate now, and might I add, more revealing. That particular day, I dressed into a black backless gown, diamonds haltering my top around my neck. As the faces around my table looked at one another, I rose and excused myself from lunch. Obi Wan waved and bowed, the followed me into the elevator to my room.
"Obi Wan, must you cause such dramatic entrances? That was an very important party expecting my attention."
"I'm sorry, milady. But, they must see you all the time. As for me, it's been almost a year, has it not?" I chose not to respond, merely scowl at his smile. I sighed and stepped out of the elevator onto my floor.
"You really are studying to master Qui Gon Jinn. You already have his attitude towards authority."
"Milady, I have no problem with obeying authority. What I do have problems with...is waiting to tell the girl I love that I've missed her every day since I've been gone, and that I still wait for her to return one of my letters." I had already opened the doors, and walked inside. But after he spoke, I stopped in the middle of my living room. I turned and saw him leaning against the door, his arms folded.
"Certainly a bold young man, aren't you?"
"Brave, is the word I would look for...milady." I placed a hand on my forehead, and sat down on my sofa.
"Obi Wan..."
"No padawan this time?"
"...only in the presence of people...Obi Wan, even if I felt the same for you, which be assured I do not, there are so many things that could easily prevent us being together." He moved to sit next to me. He paused for a moment, a smirk dancing along his face.
"Name one," he said.
"One? I can name three!" His laugh came deep from his chest, allowing him to settle back.
"Well...go on then." I set my jaw firm, and stood in front of him.
"One, you are a Jedi. The code of the Jedi says you cannot love. Two, I am a Queen now. That holds certain standards in love and/or marriage. The fact is, I shall marry someone of royal stature as myself. And three, a country under such high attack as Tallian puts me as a target of a very narrow list. Whoever I chose to love, they would be under high danger. I could never do that."
Obi Wan hung his head, nodding. I almost believed I had won, till he stood, having me take his seat on the couch.
"Milady...the code of the Jedi does say no love, but only if love would block you from your job, and growing in the force which it has only strengthened me. Two, a Queen is still a human, and if she truly fell in love she would impress her country with the boldness of standing up for her own heart. And three, a Jedi faces danger every day. Loving you, being yours, causes me no more danger than just standing alone. Besides, a true man will love you no matter what."
Obi's words scared me, partly because I knew his intentions, but mostly because I liked them.
"Milady, things between us have changed."
"Obi..."
"It was never my plan to become...attached. But standing before you now, seeing you as beautiful as you were one year ago...I don't know how to share with you, Sala..."
"What did you call me?" Obi never referred to me by my name. And while it did me more good than harm I still acted upset. Be he saw right through me.
"I can tell you the exact spot were I stood traveling over the Rishi Maze when I realized I loved you. Tell me yours, Sala, where were you?" I could barely move he knew my true feeling, yet the innocence inside me still held me back. Obi knew this. He paused another moment, then grabbed his tunic and headed out. While doing so, he mumbled to himself, "You don't have to say anything..."
He began walking down the hall. As I saw his shadow stretch across the floor, I stood up. Fleeing down the hallway, my heart raced with panic. Obi just stepped into the elevator...
"Wait!" I leaned against the wall, Obi lifted one eyebrow and removed his finger from the button.
"Yes?" it was then I realized. A million words passed over my tongue. My mouth was dry, palms sweating. Finally, my body budged.
"There's a thousand stars out my window tonight. Tatooine was dry, of course, little fighting going on. I hope to make a trip home this fall, but lately plans have changed so much. My best wishes to you, milady. I, as always wait for a response." I stopped, trying to find something else to say. Obi Wan stepped out of the elevator.
"That...that was my last letter." I smiled, fighting not to cry.
"I could quote you a hundred more." He stared at me with curiosity. My eyes were shining with recognition and romance.
"Obi Wan...I do not always have the exact words to say. I do not have a creative bone in my body. But what I do have, means all the Republic and more. Kenobi, I love you. And all the letter I could send, all talk of starry nights could never sum that up." I stopped, half expecting him to shrug this off. Instead, his hand gently stroked my left cheek. His fingers entangled in my hair, our faces came closer. The next thing I knew, our lips pressed close. Gently, he held me like this. My arms rested around his neck. All the words I couldn't say came pouring out through my first kiss. Suddenly, his eyes opened and he jerked away.
"What? Obi Wan, what's wrong?" He stared at me with apology.
"Master Jinn, he's searching for me. We must be leaving." I choked, my eyes began to search his face.
"Going...but you just got here..."
"I know."
"Where are you headed? How long..."
"I don't know, Sala. I'm a padawan, not a Master. My plans are not mine to decide." He kissed me once more, then spoke in my ear.
"Will you wait for me?" I paused, thinking these words over. I was so tired of letting sunsets go by alone. Could I let time go by? I found my answer, with one question.
"Will you come back for me?" He opened his mouth, letting out a sigh.
"Oh...nothing, nothing Sala will keep me from returning to you. I will come back for you as soon as possible."
"You mean, come back another year older?" He grabbed my shoulders.
"One way, or another...I'll be back. Will you write me this time?"
I nodded yes, tears smearing my eyes. Kissing my forehead, Obi Wan waved goodbye. The elevator doors soon closed. I fell against them, feeling my first set of heartache. I would wait. And as our birthdays went by, times changed. I was one year from the throne now, and 17 became a hard age. I loved Obi Wan, and I waited every day for a message.
"Milady, we're ready for you." Qui Gon smiled as he offered me his hand. This was to be my first winter gala, offering an invitation of peace between Tallian and other surrounding galaxies. I dressed in silver robes, sliding off my shoulders and creating a v-neck to accent my delicate diamonds. I felt beautiful, but this feeling turned my great excitement into guilt. Obi Wan still wasn't home. Qui Gon had been sent as my esteemed escort, which made clear to me the Council must have noticed the ever growing affection between me and their padawan. And here, preparing to stand myself in front of thousands of guests, I felt so unfaithful. Qui Gon noticed my tense smile, and gave me a reassuring squeeze.
"He would want you to enjoy the night."
"What he would want, is to be here with me." Qui Gon brushed back one of my curls in a fatherly manner.
"Sala, my young Queen, I love you deeply, as well as Obi Wan. You are still young, so I do not expect you to understand me. Love can only take you so far in this relationship. He is a Jedi, nothing can come between him and his place. You are running out of time. Understand me, if truth does not separate you, death will." I was shaken by these words. And as the doors swung wide open for my entrance, I felt a bitter resonance pass over my body. I still missed him.
The music and dining lasted all through the night. And while it seemed nothing more than a sophisticated nightclub, there was some negotiating dealt out, and my success wasn't so bad. As the last partiers left, I slipped off my heels and took a seat by the fountain. I was still pondering Qui Gon's words. Yes, I knew that sooner or later Obi Wan would become no more than an infatuation. But as for now, he was my living memory. As my tears made ripples in the puddle of water, I felt warm breath on my neck. My skin softened, as I knew who it was.
"Why is it that every time I come to see you, I find you crying?" I smiled and turned to meet Obi with a smile.
"If my recollections serve me right, you're always the reason I cry." He kissed my forehead sweetly.
"But not today, love." Offering me a hand, we made our way out to the garden. We talked as if not a day had parted us, no sign of separation between our bodies, he simply held me and we talked of simple things. Finally, I stopped at my chamber door, and turned to him.
"Obi Wan, why do you always visit, only to leave again?" His mouthed opened to say something, but fell short of words. He then turned his back to me.
"What if I was to tell you, I'm here to stay this time..."
"Obi, you're coming home?"
"Well, not quite yet. Qui Gon has asked me to assist him on one last mission, then I shall be free to choose where I go from there." One last mission, one final voyage into lost realms and he would be home. He would walk through the door a free man, a new face on life, and these same words lingering on his lips. He would always have one last mission. Because Obi Wan loved his job. I ran the back of my hand over his cheek, and tried to smile.
"Obi, look me in the eye and swear that you actually mean what you're saying." He looked at me confused and tried to speak. I raised my hand, and walked away. He followed after me in a hurry, I sped up my pace.
"Sala, this is everything we've wanted! Everything we've dreamed of in our lives, I promise you..."
"Obi.."
"You're making a mistake!" he grabbed my shoulder jerking me around. I slapped him away, and began running.
"No, Obi! This is your mistake! Your war, this never-ending lust for leadership, for power, for a corrupt public! You will never stop becoming a Jedi! Ever! It is your blood, your lifeline! And who am I to take that from you? Huh? What does that make me? A damn good Queen, that's what. My whole purpose in life is to make people believe I am something I am not. That I'm strong, that I'm not afraid, that I'm not in love! And if I just talked a room full of Hutts into trusting me, I can easily make my people believe that the Queen of Tallian never met, much less loved a Jedi. I will never be completely yours, Obi Wan. And you will never be completely mine. We own parts of each other that sum up to nothing. The Force is strong within you, and it draws you into another direction. Obi Wan, I want nothing more than to forget you." I stopped as the echo of footsteps behind me disappeared. His long shadow that was stretching over the top of the trees silenced itself. I turned around to see him on the ground, his lightsayber in hand.
"Is...is that what you really think?" I sighed and lowered to his level.
"Obi...yes. And no. Look, I want you so much right now that my body physically aches to have you near. But as for a future...oh...someone once told me that love can only take you so far."
"Yeah, Qui Gon told that to me on the ride."
"The point is, he's right. I figured you as a padawan would take a Master's advice. Where is our future here? To keep running from the fact that we, as our bloodline dictates us to be, cannot love. You are in a constant war, Obi Wan, and I refuse to become a widow waiting for your body to come home. And I refuse to keep you on pins and needles about my safety."
His eyes studied me with deep solitude. I could feel him escaping the situation in his mind, drifting off to yet another instance of how things could be, but never how they will actually turn out. Standing, he nodded his head and laughed softly. My heart was overshadowed by what my mind was telling me. I was not to let him in any farther than what he already had. My little girl dreams of marriage and long promises were gone. I scrunched my curls and smoothed out the crease in my dress.
"Goodbye Jedi Obi." As I began walking away, he placed his hands in his pockets and smiled over his shoulder.
"I'm not a Jedi yet."
"But you will be..." He nodded, and accepted his defeat in the argument.
That night, he left with Qui Gon on another mission. Around two AM, I was awaken by a commotion in the hallways. Rushing out the doors with robes barely covering me, I was approached by Jili Simius.
"Milady, terrible news. The Hutts went back on their proposal of peace. Tallian was attacked early this morning."
"Attacked...the people? How much did they take."
"None, milady. Jedi's we're stationed under cover. I'm afraid the uproar is over severe casualties."
"H-how many were there?" His eyes spared me denial and took a breath.
"Too many to count Milady, and still those missing. The bodies we are finding, no one can recognize one from the other. We have marked almost three as positives...and one possibility." I shook at those words. I knew nothing of what had happened, no proof to hold my assumptions to truth. But I knew...I knew with every fiber of my skin. Holding what little composure I could muster, I looked at Jili.
"Jedi's Qui Gon and his padawan...Obi...they're in the missing, aren't they?"
"Master Jinn was recovered and is doing fine...and padawan Obi...he's one of the three positives."
I didn't think. I didn't move. I barely lived in that particular moment. All innocence was dead inside of me. I wanted to feel the rush of his blood over my hands, only if to tell me it was true. That he was dead. That what was left of his body still didn't completely belong to me. He would die the death of an unappreciated Jedi, with false promises of honor and pride. The strangest thoughts of his mother wafted over me. I wonder if she would ever know how her son met his fate?
I walked over to the window, glaring outside at those mourning their fallen comrades. I felt nothing for them, only one jammed himself in my mind.
"Tell Master Jinn that I will arrange a proper funeral for his padawan. I'll be in my chambers if anyone needs me. Please, report to me with a casualty number as soon as possible." I crossed my arms, and headed back to my bed. As my face hit the covered pillows, I couldn't cry. I fell into a deep sleep, and told myself it was all a dream. I wouldn't have to face this till morning. The next day, I watched as they burned Obi Wan's body and sent him off to sea. Only Qui Gon saw me in the dark camouflage. He later accepted my deepest sympathies in front of the Jedi Council, who turned their eyes on other business.
I was leaving the funeral service when a hand stopped me against a wall. Scared at first, my body barely relaxed as I saw Obi's master stare me over.
"What do you think separated you both from each other?"
"Do not treat me as a child, I know death stole him from me..."
"Wrong! You are a child if you believe nothing but that. The truth of the situation killed Obi Wan, and is slowly killing you."
"What truth, Jedi? The fact that Obi could never stop being what his blood calls him to be?"
"No...the truth that Obi Wan's body was never recovered. How are we to say that was him?"
"Blood...they...they tested his blood."
"They told you he was Obi Wan...but did you ever look at this man's face? No...Obi Wan is alive, and resting, and I know where to find him. The truth is...he wishes not to see you. And I stand by his decisions. Sala, the truth is he never stopped loving you, but you did. And so, Obi Wan is dead. To me. To you. To himself. Goodnight, Milady."
That was when I cried.
Days passed, then months. I found a new profound solitude that burned my loneliness and replaced it with melancholy. Everything began to flourish under my command, except me. I kept thinking to myself, walking and wondering when again would I learn to love? Had I sold myself away to a Jedi, turned into another Othello or Juliet? I didn't know. All I could do was wait. Wait for the day when I would run into him again, possibly make amends. But what was I looking for? Love...or an apology?
As I was officially crowned Queen, Tallian threw an extreme exaggeration of a congratulation party. There was music, dramas, drinking, trading, and a variety of illegal bidding that I overlooked for one day. As I overlooked the celebration from the balcony, I felt a hand from behind. Jili turned me around to smile.
"Today's the day, My Queen. You don't need me anymore."
"Oh don't be silly, Senator Simius, I will need some good ears in the Senate. Would you take this offer, Jili?" He smiled and nodded generously. "You've been more of a father to me in the last years than anyone else around me. Which is why I hate to confess a secret to you, Jili..." He stopped me short and looked over at my people.
"This is the first time you've ever visited Tallian during peaceful times. It hasn't been this beautiful since your father took reign. Your presence alone has changed everyone's out look on life. A great leader, Sala is made my decisions. You made the choice of you happiness and theirs...I'm sure giving up Obi Wan hurts, but in time you will be repaid for the kindness you've given us all. I'm so proud of you, no matter what." He patted my shoulder and left me standing. I smiled and straightened my robes, feeling a new confidence. As I pondered turning around, I felt deja vu. Through my life, I was always waiting for someone to meet me there, at the threshold. Whether it was my father, Qui Gon, and recently Obi Wan, I knew I could never be alone. I took a step, and looked behind. There was no one waiting for me. Not this time, not ever again. Suddenly, I heard applause. And from there, I looked once more across my land. In the middle of thousands of people, there he was. A tall figure, with deep eyes and a wayward smile.
"So there you are," I said, "I found you..." Obi Wan threw on his hood and disappeared.
So today, I am here once again in Coruscant. There's no snow, no clouds, just sun. and I'm staring hard into the eyes of a bearded face called master by a young man with long brown curls. Obi's eyes are still a misty blue. And my heart calls out to him with everything. As I approach the alter, my newfound husband takes my hand, kissing it gently. His touch does not tingle my skin, it barely makes a mark. I can only focus on what's behind me, knowing he's looking me over, his hands are tracing my curves and I'm allowing him to do so. As I choke the 'I do', I turn around. He is no longer there.
I married a Senator with a faceless name. And Obi...his destiny is so much more than what we all know. It's his smile, the heart that put courage in us all to carry on when I no longer see all of me, a pair of lips that could speak truth through kisses up my spine, a man who's touch never left me un-whole. He separates us all from our generation, and places us into what is to come. The truth, that shall kill me and wound him time and time again. The promise that in time both our deaths will be nothing more than a child's tale. And I will still love him. Against all morning stars, above invigorating oceans. A wave of his hand sets me off, and lets me go. Obi smiles as I blow him a kiss. I know he caught it. He never missed a goodbye...