What a stupid lamb: Prolouge
If you love someone, and you know them love them, how can you not give them all they want? Even if it means your life, your options are slim but your brain is clouded. Since I've known Edward I feel like every second ticks by impatiently, pulling me forwards slowly until the moment I see him again. Time just passes so slowly when you're not having fun.
I wanted to be a nurse when I was little. Wanted to help people, to fix things that words can't help. An absolute work. But of course I saw through that, I got sick at the sight of blood. I think I was maybe four or five when I realized that it was best to just be nobody. And being nobody is what I'm best at.
For some stupid reason, the lion fell in love with the lamb. And what could that lamb do but love him back? Such a beautiful thing is the lion, strong and handsome and wonderful. To be hypnotized is a better word for it. And the lamb, so careful before, caught in a trap gentle enough to touch a butterfly in flight.
In many ways, Edward is my own personal savior. My knight in sparkling skin. But there are times, often at night when I'm sitting in our daughter's room, I am glad that my thoughts are my own. They are often so treasonous, I would make myself cry if that was physically possible for me in this strange new body.
I love him, of that I am certain. But the mere fact that I can't live anymore just dampens the mood quickly, even with Jasper around to kick my mental butt. I would never go back to humanity, not for the world, and I do not regret Nessie or Edward. It's gotten to the point when I look in the mirror, I cry dry tears.
Rosalie makes it look so easy to be miserable. I know she still begrudges me. She hates that I handed over my mortality on a silver platter, taking nothing from it but 3 days of still burning. The thought still makes me flinch. Now that Nessie is grown, she is physically older than I am. Funny, isn't it? She's even older than Jacob.
Jacob is another thing. My poor Jacob will lose everyone. While Sam and Seth and Leah and Embry grow old and die, he and Nessie are trapped together. God only knows how many nights I've sat and thought about it. And it's all because of me. Edward could have found a girl, a vampire after me. Jacob and I could have been together, had puppies like Edward says.
I think of myself as "that stupid lamb". Seduced by the unwitting predator, gentle giant as he is. And him, he is my masochistic lion. Mine.