This is just a (odd) story. This is not about me. Just to clear up any confusion.
~ A lie is the truth behind a mask of fictional words produced by the speaker. In the most recognizable form this lie is a defense mechanism preformed by billions of people every day to protect themselves or others from the harsh truth of reality. Another name for a lie is a story. Even the most truthful story has a lie, just one. This lie is what originally spurs the creation of the story. This is my lie.
I guess it all started when I entered middle school. I remember coming up to the front of the school in the long yellow bus. With my backpack slung over one shoulder, like the cool kids, I walked off the bus. Directly in front of me was the high school. The big blue double doors ushering in all of the sophisticated mature high scholars were in front of me. To the left stood a gigantic anchor on the grass. This was the school mascot.
As I turned to my right I saw the middle school, the building was about half the size of the high school. The white walls and blue trim stood out boldly. I walked past the manicured ivy and across the lower parking lot and into the building.
As I stepped into the hall I was greeted by all of my friends. The endless chatter fell from the air and filled my ears. I knew where my locker was and proceeded to it. To my left was my best friend Joe. To my right was my friend Angelina. My locker was number twenty. Slowly and methodically I entered my combination into my blue metal locker. 45-14-2. With beginners luck my locker relented to my magic touch and opened.
~ The lie screams at me like a new born baby. My consciousness only relates the information necessary to complete a thought. But the unconscious mind will constantly divulge details from my active psyche. The ever changing landscape of my mind is like a canvas to be explored. With each additional detail a new unexpected detail pops up.
The smell of a school after being locked up for three months is like nothing else. Like opening a tomb of ancient Egypt it holds wonders that few can truly appreciate. But back then I was one of the few. I was one of the few that notices the smell of floor wax, white board cleaner, and the sheer abundance of paper. Not yet had the bouquet of smells been ruined by the thousands of odors possessed by teens.
It was on this day that the lie was started. This lie was like none other. Simple. Complex. And most definitely believable. It wasn't me who made the lie. No, it was much worse. It was the lie that made me. And in the years to come it would change not only my personality but how those around me perceived me and my behavior. No longer would I be me, I would now have to face the deep consequences of my longing to no longer be the outcast.
I sat in the back of the class in the corner. I tried to keep my hood low and my eyes busy. Slouched, I surveyed the room. Green tiles covered the floor from wall to wall. The walls themselves were a light but annoying blue. Chips had come off the walls and you could see an even more putrid blue beneath. The five large windows on the right wall were covered with pull down blinds. As I became lost in thought I noticed my class mates leaving the room. The bell had rung.
~ As the unexplainable truth emerges from the dust of deception we see the blatant facts that we over looked in our haze of perceived truth. But as with any aspect of life, we see the hardest things second and the most believable things first. Throughout life we are faced with unfathomable lies and unfathomable truths. The most fundamental truth is our sheer existence. Yet as we pass through life we are lost in the truth and doubt the validity of it. The predetermined lies of life are as follows: what happens after death, and our "propos in life."
Out on the freshly manicured play field my class mates whooped and ran around like baboons in heat. I laid in the sun and surveyed the chaos. I leaned the "proper" way to act. With one feverish thought I leapt up and walked enviously over to a group of kids.
As I approached they turned and looked at the newcomer. I raised my hand and nonchalantly uttered the common words of the 21st century.
"Sup?"
As if I had always been welcome they replied and continued with their conversation. As I sat I listened to their conversation. Waiting for the moment to make it mine. Once I had my opening I spoke. Eloquently choosing my words to seem "normal" to the others. I made a joke and they laughed. I liked this feeling. The feeling of entertaining. The feeling of fitting in.
This was the start of me. The me that everybody has grown to know. I expanded my regime and proceeded to entertain in class, at lunch, and in the halls. The exhausting work became my job and my identity. I couldn't go a single minute without somebody expecting me to be funny or "crazy."
~ Lies grow on their own. They implant themselves in your mind and take over. They rewrite everything that you have ever known. With is pollution in your brain you become the lie. You live the lie and the lie lives within you. You fuel the lie just as much as the lie fuels you. But in the rare instance others fuel your lie and you still recognize the truth hidden within. Not loosing yourself to the outlandish forced identity of modern civilization. Live free, brake away from the lies. This is the single lie that I have just told.