Title: What If
Author: Skagengiirl
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Set after 4x19 Expectations. Song is What If by the amazing Kate Winslet.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything
Summary: Seeking clarification
A/N: I love this song and after having made a video for it, I kind of forced an idea into my head. Suddenly I had the ending and the rest just kinda worked out by itself. Thanks to Helene for helping me - hugs for you! ;)
Dedicated for my grandfather on my mother's side
iHere I stand alone with this weight upon my heart
And it will not go away
In my head I keep on looking back
Right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made you change/i
She was sitting on her couch after a long day at work and flipping through the channels. She ended up on VH1. iWhat If/i by Kate Winslet had just started. Ever since she saw iA Christmas Carol/i with Martin a little over a year ago, she'd loved that song. But now it just made it even sadder.
She'd loved spending Christmas with Martin. They spent it the day before Christmas Eve, because Martin was going to D.C. to celebrate it with his family. He'd felt bad leaving her alone on Christmas, but she'd told him that it was okay – that she'd spent Christmas alone since she was nineteen.
After they'd watched the movie and went to bed, she'd said; "I'm glad we got to spend this day together, alone."
And he'd responded with a "me, too" and a kiss on the top of her head, before they fell asleep in each other's arms.
A tear slipped out of her eye as she thought about this particular memory. She would probably be alone every Christmas from now on, unless she and Martin decided to try again. If they did, she would definitely change for the better to keep him in her life.
She could hear her stomach growling and decided she should try and find something to eat. Looking in the cupboards and the refrigerator, she couldn't find anything but take-out leftovers. For the past year, she'd lived only by take-out. She didn't feel like cooking, when it was just for her. It made her feel even more alone.
iWell, I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind/i
She grabbed a few Chinese take-out boxes and a bottle of water and sat back down on the couch. She started eating, while still listening to the song. She found herself more engulfed by the song, than by the food she was eating.
She started comparing her thoughts and regrets with the lines in the song and noticed she felt the same.
What if she had fought harder? Even though he said it shouldn't have to be a fight, she should've fought harder, right? Thinking back on it now, she should've seen it coming. The last couple of weeks up to him breaking up he'd seemed so cold, so bored. She should've known and fought harder to keep him in her life, but no – she had to be too scared of finding the one and only true love.
God, she hated herself sometimes! Those damn insecurities and trust issues. She blamed her mother for this. Why couldn't she just trust Martin and let him in? That was all he was asking! Well, that and stop the secrecy. Would it really have been that awful? She shouldn't care what other people thought of her. That was something Martin taught her, but she still couldn't stop caring.
iWhat if I had never let you go?
Would you be the man I used to know?
If I'd stayed, if you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know/i
What would it have been like, if they'd stayed together? She could imagine them living together at either of their apartments. But would she be walking around with a diamond-ring on her finger? Maybe a pregnant bump on her stomach? She didn't know, but she wished she did. If only she could turn back time and fought harder.
She probably shouldn't play this 'what if' game, but she couldn't help it. Did he ever wonder what could've been? Was he thinking the same as her?
She thought of calling him to find out, but she didn't know if it was a good idea. Then before she knew it, she heard his voice. When did she dial his number?
i"Hello?"/i His tired voice answered.
Did she wake him up? It wasn't that late, but then again – it had been a long and tiring day. The recovery was probably also wearing him out.
"Hi, Martin – it's me." She said with a soft tone of voice. "I didn't wake you, did I?"
For a minute there she regretted calling him, but it was too late. She couldn't just hang up. He would be after her tomorrow asking her why she called, if she did. And if she had to choose between asking him in person or over the phone, she'd choose to do it over the phone. She didn't want him to see her breaking down or struggle to keep the tears inside, if he crushed her hopes.
i"Hey. No, you didn't."/i She heard him struggle to sit up – yes, she did. i"Is something wrong?"/i
iMany roads to take
Some to joy, some to heartache
Anyone can lose their way
And if I said that we could turn it back
Right back to the start
Would you take the chance and make the change?/i
Yes! There was something wrong. She couldn't get over him. It had nearly been a year, and she couldn't get over him. She was constantly playing the 'what if' game, though she knew she shouldn't. Though she wanted to, she couldn't get herself to tell him all this. She'd called him for a reason and one reason only – was he thinking the same as she did?
If he did, she was gonna go over there and talk to him about everything, sort it all out – face to face. It couldn't be that hard, could it? It wasn't she'd never had a 'serious' talk with him, because she had – just not so often and not as deep as this.
"No, not really. I was just" she paused, "wondering…" She trailed off.
She shouldn't ask him, she just knew she shouldn't. But what if he did? What if he did regret breaking up with her and wanted to try again? She couldn't let this opportunity pass her. It was too big a chance. She wanted him back in her life, or at least get him back as her friend – not just a friendly co-worker. Maybe if they built their friendship up again, they would decide to try again?
She narrowed her eyebrows. "Do you ever wonder what could've been?" She asked, deciding to just get it over with. His answer couldn't be that bad, could it?
iDo you think how it would have been sometimes?
Do you pray that I'd never left your side?/i
He didn't answer right away. He probably didn't know what to say, because he didn't wonder. She just wanted to know the truth. Did he regret it? Did he regret ever getting involved with her? She sure didn't. Martin was the best thing that ever happened to her. She just had troubles showing it.
Why couldn't he read her? That morning, when they were sitting outside her apartment building on the front steps – why couldn't he read all the love she had for him? She was so sure it was written all over her face. She had been so happy – her heart was whole and he had ripped it out and torn it apart. If only he would take it in his hands again and put it back together and back in its place.
He hesitated. i"All the time."/i He finally said.
So, he did wonder? Or was it just something he said? She couldn't be sure. See, this would have been the advantage if she'd asked him in person – she would be able to see it if he was lying. Had he been standing in front of her and had those words fallen from his lips while his piercing blue eyes had been staring into her own delicate brown ones, she would have known for sure it was truthful.
She would have been able to stare into his eyes and test the waters by leaning in and steal a kiss from him. So, why hadn't she?
iWhat if I had never let you go?
Would you be the man I used to know?
If I'd stayed, if you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know/i
If only she had gone to see him instead. Then maybe things would be different now? Maybe she would have gotten what she'd craved for so long? But they would never know what could have happened.
She didn't know what to say – she hadn't figured that part out yet. Truth be told, that wasn't the answer she'd expected. It was the answer she wanted, but it wasn't one she'd expected.
She hoped he would say something next to help her get everything off her chest – her feelings for him, the things she regretted not doing and the things she regretted she did do. There was so much she regretted and wanted to change. If only she could turn back time and change the things she wanted to change and don't say the things that hurt him. She knew she hurt him – just like he hurt her. They were even.
i"Does this have anything to do with today's case?"/i He finally said.
She knew he already knew the answer. She opened her mouth to speak, but she didn't know the right answer. Somehow it did. If she hadn't been at the hospital tonight, watching the Sullivan's being reunited and admiring their baby girl, she wouldn't have called him.
Tears threatened to fall down her cheeks. "Kind of." She struggled to keep her voice from cracking, but failed.
iIf only we could turn the hands of time
If I could take it back
Would you still be mine?/i
Though it wasn't spoken, she knew it was on both their minds. Their conversation in a car just a couple of years back came back to the both of them after a day like this. A day where they had faced people with bigger and much more serious issues than the ones they'd had. It was reminiscent in some way and Samantha felt as though she was burning inside.
He'd done this to her. He'd driven her over the edge and she had fallen for him. She knew that now. For a moment she'd considered if her decision of not having any family ever was the right one and just when that moment, that thought ran through her mind, he decided to call them quits.
i"I guess some cases are meant to be after all."/i He said and instinctively she knew he had a small sad smile on his face.
"Yeah," she whispered "but ours weren't, right?"
It was the truth. They both knew it. And one of them had to voice it, so she did. He'd said it himself back in those days. He'd started the avalanche of bleakness. He had caused the thick, heavy silence between them. And though she'd wanted to continue, though she'd been ready to take that extra step forwards he hadn't agreed. They had barely spoken since and when they had, it had just been about work.
iCause I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind/i
Strangely enough she found herself actually expecting to see him walk through her door with a smile on his face. She found herself looking out for him and staying behind after work to wait for him when they were done with work. But he wouldn't show up. He wouldn't be there, he wouldn't touch or kiss her and he wouldn't hold her hand. Not anymore.
It was over.
i"I'm sorry, Sam."/i He said.
"Yeah" tears started falling down her cheeks "me, too." She said and hung up.
This was it. He'd crushed her hopes once and for all. All her hopes of them getting back together had been crushed. Now it was definitely over. Why did she call him? She had known the answer somewhere deep inside, so why had she called him? It was far more heartbreaking hearing it come out of his mouth, than just not being one hundred percent sure.
She missed even more now that she knew she was going to miss him for the rest of her life. But no matter what he did or said, he would always have a special place in her heart. He meant so much to her and that would never change – never! She'd confronted him with the drugs, because she cared – she still cared and always would.
She broke down as she listened to the rest of the song…
iWhat if I had never let you go?
Would you be the man I used know?
What if I had never walked away?
Cause I still love you more than I can say
If I'd stayed, if you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know
We'll never know/i
--
THE END!
I know it's sad, when all you Smarties out there need something positive to keep your hopes up - if you haven't lost it all, yet - but fear not! I'm working on a very happy, happy fic. When it's done? I have no idea! Please review :) they make my day!
Oh, and before I forget ... for all you Bones (BB) fans, I'm working on a few fics and hopefully one of them will be finished soon, so keep an eye out for it!