By Jim Robert Bader
(A Dragonball Z Parody)
Episode #351846297-4
Planet Nanu Nanu
IN OUR LAST EPISODE OUR HERO, DODO, WAS LAID UP IN BLUE CROSS,
WHILE HIS ARCH RIVAL, PEEKABOO, WAS STILL DEAD, AND SERIOUSLY ANNOYED ABOUT THIS. MEANWHILE THE NASTY WHIMP WHO LAID THESE TWO UP IN TRACTION, VEGITATE, WAS APPLYING FOR HIS OWN HMO PLAN,
WHILE HIS EMPLOYER, THE EVIL FREEZER BURNS, DECIDES TO APPLY FOR A COSMIC HEALTH CARE PLAN THAT WILL INSURE HIM IMMORTALITY, OR AT THE VERY LEAST A LONG AND PRODUCTIVE CAREER IN VILLAINY RIVALING THAT OF DAVID LETTERMAN.
THE POWERS THAT BE, FINDING THEMSELVES SERIOUSLY SHORT OF SURVIVING HEROIC TYPES, HAVE OPTED TO PUT THE SECOND STRINGERS FORWARD ON A HEROIC QUEST TO WIN THE FABLE DRAGON'S BALLS IN ORDER TO RESSURECT PEEKABOO AND SERIOUSLY ANNOY FREEZER.
TO THAT END GOWAN AND DOOFUS HAVE TRAVELED TO THE PLANET NANU NANU ON A RENTED SPACE SHIP PILOTED BY THE SEXY (IF HIGHLY OVERSTRUNG) GIRL-GENIUS, BOOBAS.
HAVING TAKEN AN UNFORTUNATE DETOUR ON THEIR WAY ACROSS THE GALAXY, OUR SECOND-RATE HERO WANNABEES ARRIVED A BIT LATE FOR THE PARTY AND HAVE DISCOVERED FREEZER IS ALREADY THERE AHEAD OF THEM AND IS PUTTING THE SQUEEZE ON THE NATIVES THROUGH THE USE OF HIS NAUGHTY HENCHMEN, THE GINSUE FARCE. THEY ARE CLOSE TO OBTAINING THE DRAGON'S BALLS, BUT LITTLE DO THEY REALIZE THAT VEGITATE HAS SWITCHED SIDES FROM 'LOYAL HENCHGUY' TO 'SERIOUS NUISSANCE,'
WANTING THE BALLS FOR HIS OWN NEPHARIOUS...
VIGITATE
Hey, stop giving way the plot already!
OOPS, SORRY! GOT CARRIED AWAY FOR A MOMENT THERE...
Scene opens with the bad guys all gathered around their insidious leaders (of course being careful to stand upwind of said leader, who hasn't take a bath in about two or three decades) doing pretty much what villains do in these stories, which is to stand around looking impressive, cackling a lot and generally making evil, insinuating faces. Confronting them are a group of No-
Nothings, who have made the seriously costly mistake of thinking that Freezer Burns is just another politician who has mistaken their world for New Hampshire.
FREEZER BURNS
I won't ask you nicely again, where are the Dragon's Balls?"
NO-NOTHINGS
(Muddle around looking confused and glancing a lot at one another)
VILLAGE LEADER
Excuse me, did you just say "No New Taxes?"
FREEZER
No, you twit! I may be evil, but I have some standards! I'd never make such a corny campaign slogan that I have no intention of following up on if elected to high office. Since I already run the whole Universe, though, it's largely academic since everything you own belongs to me to begin with!
VILLAGER
Sounds like Ralph Nader, but he looks a little more like George Bush.
OTHER VILLAGER
Oh come on, he couldn't be that evil!
THIRD VILLAGER
Maybe he's really Pat Buccanan in disguise?
FREEZER
Enough with the political jokes, if you won't play ball with me then I'm going to have to do something truly evil and nasty, mainly because it's in my contract. Tutorial, Carbon Copy! Make them suffer!
TUTORIAL
Sounds good to me. How about I play some rap music?
CARBON COPY
I've got a better idea, why don't we read them Vogon Love poetry?
VILLAGERS
(Suddenly in a panic)
No, stop! Have mercy! Anything but that!
FREEZER
Now you're talking! Let's have them now, the Dragon's Balls, I want to play with them now.
VILLAGE ELDER
(Horrified)
You pervert! How dare you do a thing like that, and in front of the children?
MEANWHILE, CLOSE NEARBY BUT IN HIDING, GOWAN AND DOOFUS ARE WATCHING THE WHOLE SHOW WHILE HEROICALLY DOING NOTHING ABOUT IT (OTHER THAN CRINGING AND SHAKING IN THEIR BOOTS).
DOOFUS
Oh man, that guy is wicked!
GOWAN
He's worse than Steve Forbes promising a fifteen percent flat tax rate, or George Bush and his risky investment strategies to squander Social Security money at the race tracks! How will my dad ever afford health care to get out of the hospital if he has to pay through some HMO that won't make allowances for running into evil space tyrants?
MEANWHILE BACK ON EARTH (A MOSTLY HARMLESS PLANET LOCATED IN A LESS THAN INTERESTING ARM OF THE GALAXY)
A NERVOUS CHEECHEE PET IS PACING SO HARD THAT SHE'S WORN A FOX HOLE INTO THE FLOOR OF HER SMALL RENTED APARTMENT.
CHEECHEE
I don't like this, how can I steal a scene in this story if all I do is play the part of the distraught Mother worried about how much underwear my husband's packed away when he snuck out of the Hospital and hot-wired that space ship? Bad enough to be the heir to the Akane Tendo school of Ridiculously Annoying Martial Arts, but thanks to the "Boys Only" policy of the writers and producers I haven't a prayer of taking even a Sidekick role in this story. My career is seriously going nowhere!
MEANWHILE DODO, HAVING STOLEN A SPACE SHIP FROM DOCTOR DOOMKOFF, HAS SET OUT AFTER HIS SON AND BEST FRIEND, ONLY TO HAVE INADVERTANTLY MISDIALED THE CONTROLS ON THE ARTIFICIAL GRAVITY DEVICE, AND THUS IS EXPERIENCING THE CURIOUS PHENOMENON OF HAVING HIS BRAINS BE SUCKED DOWN INTO HIS FEET (WHICH ONLY HAS A MARGINAL EFFECT ON HIS MARTIAL ARTS TRAINING).
DODO
(grimaces)
Hang on, Gowan, Doofus, I'm coming to the rescue. I may wind up a lot shorter than I started out, but I'll get there!
MEANWHILE BACK IN HEAVEN, KING KAWAII IS TRAINING A BUNCH OF DEAD GUYS TO IMPROVE THEIR MARTIAL ARTS SKILLS, LARGELY ON THE THEORY THAT IF THEY SOMEHOW MANAGE TO GET RESSURECTED THEY'LL BE BETTER EQUIPPED TO NOT WIND UP MAKING A RETURN TRIP IN THE VERY NEAR FUTURE.
KING KAWAII
Boy, it's sure nice having your own set of built-in antennae. Not only do I get great satellite reception but I even get the Playboy channel!
TIANAMAN SQUARED
King Kawaii, aren't you going to supervise our training?
KING KAWAII
(Annoyed)
In a minute! I'm busy doing...ah...in-depth research on a very intensely naked-
-Ah-I mean-ah natural subject!
UPCHUK
Again? How much research does a dead guy have to make?
CHOWSUE
Good thing for me I'm too young to figure out the answer to that question...
MEANWHILE BACK ON THE ALIEN PLANET NANU-NANU,
THE EVIL FREEZER HAS GROWN FED UP WITH POLITICAL POLING, OBTAINING CONTRADICTORY AND BAFFLING RESULTS FROM HIS CANVASSING ATTEMPTS, AND HAS RESOLVED TO END THE PROBLEM OF THE "UNDECIDEDS" BY RETROACTIVELY ABORTING THEM THROUGH A POLICY OF GENOCIDE AND ETHNIC CLEANSING.
FREEZER
(Dusting off hands)
Gentlemen, the Polls are now closed. Now that we've dealt with those annoying ignoramuses. Imagine being unable to tell the difference between Pat Buccanan, and me, I'm much better looking! Now...we've obtained access to only some of the Dragon's Balls, but without the whole set their value is greatly diminished. Now, to resolve this most unfortunate situation, I will call upon the services of my awesome Ginsue Farce!
TUTORIAL
Ginsue Squad, front and center! Do your stuff, guys!
CAPTAIN GINSUE
(Makes like Madonna and Strikes a Pose
Captain Ginsue reporting on the double, Sir!
BIG BIRDY
(Strikes a different pose)
I'm Birdy!
RACCOON
(Big guy strikes an even more ridiculous pose)
And I'm Raccoon!
CHASED
(Little guy with big hair shows up strumming a guitar)
And I'm Chased Manhattan!
BILBO
(Tiptoes in)
And I'm Bilbo Baggins, pleased to meet you!
BIG BIRDY
Hey wait! Are you supposed to be Gogo?
BILBO
Oh, he had an audition at another Anime set. I'm filling in for him since my movie doesn't come out for another year. Hey, what can I say? We short guys need work, and we have to stand together.
RACOON
(Turns to the other guys and smirks)
Maybe they need to stand on top of each other, that might help they reach the doorknobs.
BILBO
(Snarls and reaches for his +4 dagger)
That's it! I've had enough of short jokes to last a hundred lifetimes, have at it!
(Ginsue Farce commences to heavy brawling with one another)
FREEZER
(Sighs)
Good help really is hard to find these days...
MEANWHILE, UNBEKNOWNST TO FREEZER AND HIS CRONIES, VEGITATE, GOWAN AND DOOFUS HAVE EACH OBTAINED ONE OF THE DRAGON'S BALLS, WHILE BOOBAS IS SERIOUSLY FRETTING ABOUT MISSING HER HAIR CARE APPOINTMENTS. THE THREE HEROES (UH, WELL, TWO SUPPORTING CAST MEMBERS AND A SLIGHTLY PEEVED MAJOR VILLAIN) ARE PLOTTING HOW TO GET THE REST OF THE DRAGON'S BALLS SO THEY CAN MAKE A WISH, WHEN THEY ARE SUMMARILLY SUMMONED BEFORE THE CHIEF OF THE NO-NOTHINGS, SWAMI, WHO MAKES A FATEFUL PREDICTION.
SWAMI
My children...come this election year half the voting population will stay home and the winner will have only one quarter of the eligible population to back them, leaving it up to the electoral college to decide who will govern the entire universe for the next 4/5th of a decade!
GOWAN
Gosh, that's terrible! Is there anything we can do about it?"
DOOFUS
I'm afraid not...it's a little late to start stuffing envelopes!
VEGITATE
Would you two idiots put a sock on it? Now, what can you tell us about getting our hands on the Dragon's Balls, old wizard?
SWAMI
Well, for one thing, I can definitely say that you must be hard up for a date. Most people play with their own balls, but why don't you look up that nice Boobas girl and see if she can help you...
DOOFAS
Hey, stop giving the plot away for the next season!
MEANWHILE FREEZER HAS JUST READ THE PREVIOUS SECTION AND IS NOW AWARE THAT HIS BALLS HAVE BEEN HIJACKED, WHICH-TO PUT IT DELICATELY-LEAVES HIM SERIOUSLY PEEVED ABOUT THIS. WITH THAT IN MIND HE DISPATCHES HIS GINSUE FARCE-THE MOST FEARED GLEE CLUB IN ALL THE KNOWN STAR-SECTORS THIS SIDE OF SAN QUENTIN,
AND THEY PROCEED TO PUMMEL THE DAYLIGHTS OUT OF OUR THREE INSIPID "HEROES." FORTUNATELY FOR THEM,
DODO ARRIVES, HAVING FINALLY ACCUMULATED ENOUGH FREQUENT FLYER MILES TO MAKE THE JOURNEY, AND HE ARRIVES JUST IN TIME TO FIND VEGITATE, DODO AND GOWAN LAID UP ON THE CRITICAL LIST AND BADLY IN NEED OF SOME HIT POINTS!
DODO
(Kneels down and helps son Gowan to sit upright)
Poor little guy...guess he got a bad medical insurance policy. Here, have some prescription medication, care of Al Gore's new medical program.
GOWAN
(Groaning)
No, please, not another government program! I'll be good, I swear it!
FACED WITH THE PROSPECT OF ENDLESS MEDICAL COVERAGE, GOWAN AND THE OTHERS STAGE A MIRACULOUS RECOVERY, FREEING DODO TO TAKE ON THE TERRIFYING POWER OF THE GINSUE GLEE FARCE!
DODO
I'm not afraid of you guys, if fact, I'll stand right here and look suitably unimpressed, so no matter what poses you assume, I won't crack a smile or budge one inch.
CAPTAIN GINSUE
Hmmm...tough audience. I guess I'll just have to make really funny faces and pull the old Switcharoo routine by borrowing from my favorite John Woo movie. Here we go...FACE OFF!
DODO
John Woo? Wow! He's one of my favorite-YIKES!
(Sudden switching of places)
GINSUE (in Dodo's body)
Now I've got a fabulous new body, one that doesn't look like a refugee from a Night on Bald Mountain!
VEGITATE
Not to mention that you're not being played by a much better actor.
GOWAN
Waaaah! Daddy's now big and purple, not to mention horny!"
DOOFUS
Yeah, but I kinda think Chichi Pet's gonna like him that way, especially in the size department...
AND AS IF THIS DID NOT ADD INSULT TO THE INJURY ALREADY SUFFERED BY THE AUDIENCE IN THE CREDIBILITY DEPARTMENT, THE TEAM SORTS THINGS OUT THEN MAKES A WISH WITH THE DRAGON'S BALLS, BRINGING PEEKABOO BACK FROM THE DEAD, THEN SUMMONING HIM TO THE PLANET NANU-NANU ON A PATERNITY SUIT, WHEREUPON HE MEETS HIS LONG-LOST COUSIN, RUSTY NAIL, WHO HAS BEEN BEAT TO A NEAR PULP BY AN IRRITATED FREEZA.
PEEKABOO
Man, what happened to you, Cuz?
RUSTY NAIL
(Groans) I made the mistake of comparing him to Ross Perot, that's what...
PEEKABOO
(Winces) Man, that's rough! Well, too bad, hope you got enough medical coverage...
RUSTY NAIL
Why don't we combine forces and form a third party? The two of us could make an unbeatable combination.
PEEKABOO
Are you kidding? Protest votes never work! All you do is get the lesser of two losers elected to office!
RUSTY NAIL
What have you got to lose? Give it a whirl, we can even call it the Green Party.
PEEKABOO
How original! Who are you, Ralph Nader?
MEANWHILE, HAVING DEFEATED THE GINSUE FORCE IN A LONG AND PROTRACTED BATTLE OF CHARADES,
DODO WINDS UP BACK ON LIFE SUPPORT WHILE VEGITATE AND THE OTHERS FIND THEMSELVES IN PROTRACTED NEGOTIATIONS WITH THE TERRIFYING FREEZER!
FREEZER
You killed all my men! Do you know how much they cost a piece? You're going to suffer for this military disarmament of yours, Vegetable-breath!
VEGITATE
Oh, excuse me, my mistake, I thought it was a Dismemberment party, like Dick Armey and his "God Squad" base closing commission. So sorry about that, I was just trying to provide the voters with the fruits of a massive across-the-board tax cut.
FREEZER
Why you-! I'd make you pay for that if I hadn't already done so! Prepare to get sliced, diced and seriously maimed for the inconvenience you've caused me...and just to prove how ticked off I am, I'm adding your name to a mailing list for BOTH political parties!
VEGITATE
(Horrified) NO! Not that, anything but that! You monster!
TWENTY EPISODES OF MAIMING AND DISMEMBERMENT LATER...
GOWAN
Man, can you believe this fight? This has lasted even longer than the Presidential contest!
DOOFUS
No kidding! Doesn't this Freezer guy ever give up? He's more tenacious than a Republican pollster!
PEEKABOO
Yeah, and we're about as exhausted as these dumb cliches both sides keep spouting! Can't anything decide the outcome of this election?
FREEZER
Read my lips, Boys, No New Big Government! I just want to run the whole entire Universe without having to resort to a tedious bureaucracy!
VEGITATE
That's it, I give up, I'm better off dying than sit through another minute of this stupid fight!
GOWAN
Cheer up, we're not lost yet! My Dad'll put in as a Dark Horse Candidate any minute!
DOOFUS
I don't know how to tell you this, kid, but you're dad ain't exactly the brightest card in the deck. In fact, he's so dumb he makes "Dubya" Bush look halfway normal!
PEEKABOO
That guy? I thought he looks just like Alfred E. Newman!
FREEZER
Hey, is this a fight or a political rally? I've seen Political Pundits and Spin Doctors put up more of a fight than you guys!
VEGITATE
Give us a break! We just blow up mountains and planets...those guys play for keeps!
ANOTHER TWENTY MINUTES OF MAIMING AND DISTRUCTION LATER, DODO'S HEALTH CARE PLAN KICKS IN AND HE WAKES UP FROM A GOOD NAP TO FIND THAT FREEZER HAS BEEN BEATING UP ON EVERYBODY, WHICH SOMEWHAT ANNOYS HIM.
DODO
You'll pay for this, Freezer! From now on it's no more mister nice Super Sayitagain!
FREEZER
Talk is cheap, show me what you've got!
DOOFUS
Cheap? Are you kidding? With a cost-per-minute on advertising in the hundreds of millions?
FREEZER
Doh! You're right, what was I thinking?
THE BATTLE RESUMES WITH DODO TAKING THE LEAD,
SLUGGING IT OUT WITH FREEZER UNTIL HALF THE PLANET NANU-NANU IS DESTROYED, WITH THE OTHER HALF HANGING ON BY A THREAD. IT SEEMS AS THOUGH THERE WILL BE NO CERTAIN VICTOR AS DODO'S HAIR TURNS BLEACH BLONDE AND FREEZER UNDERGOES ANOTHER FACE-LIFT...BUT THEN...
FREEZER
Give it up! You'll never defeat me! I have tons more personality and a legion of idiot followers who think that I'm a great leader!
DODO
Hmmm...it does look pretty grim, but there is one trick I have left in my arsenal. I didn't want to do this, I really hate doing this, but you leave me no choice, so...here I go!
(Pulls a round ball from a hiding place inside his martial arts outfit)
PIKACHU-I CHOOSE YOU!
FREEZER
(Horrified) NO! Not that, anything but that! AAAAAAAHHHH!
FREEZER RUNS AWAY IN ABJECT TERROR AS A CUTE FURRY CREATURE GOES SCAMPERING AFTER THE LILY WHITE TYRANT, CHASING HIM ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE PLANET OF AUSTIN, TEXAS.
GOWAN
Wow, Dad, you're awesome!
VEGITATE
What a hideous attack style. Even I would never resort to anything that nasty and kawaii!
DODO
It was horrible, but he left me with no choice. Freezer has gone slinking back to his daddy's lap and we won't see him until early next season when we have to fight a bunch of stupid androids for the sake of Planet Earth.
PEEKABOO
Is that all? Doesn't sound like we have all that much to live for.
DODO
(Cheerfully) Are you kidding? You're forgetting that we're now in syndication, which means we can ride the gravy train of permanent employment from here to doomsday, milking in the profits and licensing fees from all the toys, videos and dolls that we can sell about our adventures. We'll be living the high life while we go through the motions of perpetual training!
DOOFUS
You're right! Dodo, you're a genius!
VEGITATE
And I thought I was evil!
WILL DODO AND HIS FRIENDS LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER?
WILL THEY EVER STOP MAKING THESE VIDEOS? WILL THESE ADVENTURES EVER MAKE SENSE? (What are you, some kind of a nut or something?) STAY TUNED FOR FUTURE ADVENTURES, AND IN THE MEANTIME, KEEP ON VOTING!
Too silly for your tastes? Write me at: shadowmane
My apologies if my political views offend anyone, but I can't help it...Freezer is a joke to me, George "Dubya" Bush looks scary!
Seeya!
Jim R Bader
11/5/00
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