Durin's Bane, an Angel + Lord of the Rings Crossover fanfic

Durin's Bane ~ The Balrog's Tale

I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel the Series, The Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter or the song Dancing Queen. The first two belong to Joss Whedon. The third to John Tolkien. The fourth to Joanne Rowling. The last to ABBA. This ficlet and all those that follow and precede are responses to the Andy Hallett Memorial Challenge. Each fic will feature a different fandom and a different song (in addition to the Angel & Buffy fandoms) which will be featured in a disclaimer above the chapter. All of these tales will be told by Lorne in the first person...

And now, back to the show.

Back again, I see? Welcome back to Caritas. I'm glad to see you here. Now I suppose you're probably getting tired of all these sweet and fairly innocent humans. No problem, Dumpling. Have I got a tale for you. See, mutants and wizards and vampires and the odd lesser demons are fun, but let me tell you about this time I had to cater to a greater demon who was having some major issues. Poor hellbeast didn't know whether it was coming or going it was so despondent.

It was around midnight at Caritas, a fairly busy hour for me considering my clientele. Think of a lunch rush and you'll have some idea. The night had been pretty fun so far. None of the predictions were doozies and I was looking forward to a fairly calm night predictions-wise. That was when a figure appeared in the door that caused many of my patrons to shiver. Great leaping lycanthropes but I still have difficulty believing what I saw that night. A Balrog of Morgoth from the dimension that spawned those cute hobbit chaps. Balrogs are generally bad news.

"Can I get you something, Honey?"

The spawn of darkness just gave a huge sigh and sat down on a barstool. It's a good thing Balrogs can shrink some, when necessary, or I'd have hated to see what that fella would've done just by entering my beloved bar. "I require some advice on a personal matter."

I had to say I was surprised. There weren't many greater demons that deigned to ask the advice of their lessers, many of them sneering at us anagogic types. "I might just be able to help you out, Dumpling. Think you can carry a tune for us?"

The Balrog was obviously suspicious. I guess its parents taught it to be suspicious. "Why?"

I grinned placatingly. I couldn't be sure if my anti-violence wards were up to handling something of this guy's level. "If you can carry a tune, Sweetheart, you could sing for me. And if you can do that, I can give you a reading to help you figure out your problems.

The demon narrowed its eyes suspiciously before it seemed to realise something. "An anagogic demon. You can read the future through song."

I smiled broadly at the rather intimidating hellspawn. "That's right, Peaches. And all you gotta do is sing for me."

I'll state it for you right now. It blows my mind that some of these demons are such skilled singers. Some, like that Balrog, look they should have no right to sing that well. I also found it equally confounding to realise that this one was a soprano! Colour me shocked…

"You can fence, 'fore you fall, watching your death come to call
See that beast, end your reign, it's mighty Durin's Bane

Mountain night and it starts to snow
Looking for another route to go
The shortest route is best so, going to Kházad-dûm
You hide from the orcish drums
And now you watch the arrows fly
Blades and magic flash as the orc-kin die
Now the bridge is clear, it's time to say goodbye
But then the Balrog comes
And bringing with it lots of orcish chums

You're facing Durin's Bane, young or old you must be quite insane
Durin's Bane, feel your terror as it comes again
You can fence, 'fore you fall, watching your death come to call
See that beast, end your reign, it's mighty Durin's Bane

Sword and staff are now all aglow
As you tell your friends to go
Looking out for an opening, any one will do
You knock it o'er the lip
And then fall to his whip…

The poor dear. Jilted not once but twice by that great lolloping grey wizard Gandalf. I swear to you that if I ever get that hustler onto my stage I may just be pushed to test out my own anti-violence wards. Gandalf has caused more heartbreak in his centuries of life then a handful of succubi.

I dropped a big mug of firewater down in front of the poor dear, smiling encouragingly. The being seemed to draw strength from that, a fact for which I am grateful. "So, what do you think?"

I took a deep breath and let the Balrog hear it. "I'm sorry, Honey. I know you really want to get back with Gandalf, but it would just lead to tears and pain on your part. That grey-haired galoot is a two-timer of the worst sort. You'd really be much better off looking for someone who loves you for you. Not everyone out there just wants to say they scored off of Durin's Bane, you know…"

The greater demon sighed sadly. "It's easier said than done, Host. I have been on many planes of existence for many centuries and have yet to find someone who is willing to love me for what I am. Gandalf, Galadriel, Sauron, Saruman, Durin, Elbereth and so many others. They all wanted something. And, I've got to admit that I didn't do my own reputation much good with that messy breakup I had with Durin. How was I to know I would accidentally end a civilisation?"

"I know, Sweetcheeks. Durin was probably the worst of a bad lot… Still, it's no reason to give in. Tell you what. I might have something for you." I grinned broadly. Two birds with one stone with this one. I scribbled down an address down on paper. "Be at this location, a week from next Tuesday. You'll meet a nice girl who has a very similar issue."

The demon rose reluctantly, it's confidence well-shaken by one too many users in its life. "What does she look like?"

"I couldn't begin to guess, Sweetie. That's all I can give you."

The demon nodded, calming down. It couldn't cry, it didn't have the glands, but I suspect if it could have that I might have been bawled on. "I really appreciate this, Host."

I shook my head. "It's all part of the service Sweet Pepper."

The demon nodded again, looking a little more eager. I hoped I was doing the right thing. After all, if anyone could understand wanting someone who can 'love me for me', it was that metamorph cousin of Draco's. I hear that the poor dear broke up with the werewolf because he wouldn't stop brooding. The Balrog might be a touch frightening to look at, but I like to think that she of all people can look beneath appearance and see the inner value of the being inside.

So... What do ya think? For the record, I deliberately left the Balrog's sex ambiguous. Fill it with whatever you prefer. Suffice it to say, the Balrog is not particular about the sex of its lovers, it just wants to be loved.

Jasper