Watching

Summary: Post-chosen Fuffy one-shot. Faith ponders leaving the Scoobies behind, will a certain other slayer let her? B/F

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Nada. Zilch. Zero.

A/N: First venture into the world of Buffy. Have wanted to write a Buffy/Faith fic for a long time. Have an idea for a fic but wanted to see if I could write the characters in a one-shot first. On that note, please let me know what you think. Feedback is muchly appreciated.

Update: 28/03/07 after a major edit.

The yellow glow seeps out of the edges. If I wanted to, if I just stepped a little closer, I could feel it and bask in it myself. Instead, I step to the side. I'm hiding in the shadow, don't want them to know I'm gawping at them, they might think I'm all sentimental and shit, its better in the dark, where it's safer, with the warmth just out of reach. In the dark and unseen, always unseen.

And I watch.

They're gathered around the table like a family. Kennedy and Willow are slung all over each other, getting as many body parts in contact as they can get away with for a PG rating. Good old Xan-man is making nice with the wisecracks raising the eyebrow of his un-patched eye. Sure enough, little D creases up, her smile so wide it pushes small tears of laughter out of her eyes that roll down across her cheeks. He gets swatted by Red for his trouble, and gets the burning glare from special K, you know, the one that I love to tease outta her at every opportunity. I would have thought the guy would have learned by now not to piss off slayers. Although he has his back to me, Giles's hands are hitched up on to his hips and one hand reaches up to rub his neck. He's shaking his head, pretending to be all bent out of shape 'cos of the Scoobs. Amongst the chaos, she stands over them, like always, on the edge, watching. She shimmers in the soft glow, with her arms crossed and left knee slightly bent. There's a soft smile on her face as the rest of the gang bicker and rant, as Dawn yelps under a tickle attack, but there's a faraway look in her eyes. Green and brown battle to shine in a colour war revealing clashes of hope, happiness and grief, even I can see it in the depths of those pools, that if you look hard enough you can see beyond the hazel surface. I have looked, and fallen right in. I have seen the emerald green sparkle, the coffee colour of desire and the muddy-colour of contentment. Hmm…I bet that they're that colour after…well, um, maybe I should change the track of my mind.

It's all sappy crap I know, but when I think about that, and her. I think beyond this, beyond here, beyond everything.

Cold shoots up my arm and I realise I have my fingertips resting on the clear surface and my breath leaves a coating of cloud behind. The warm glow gradually seeps through the glass and tickles me all over in its taunting warmth. Damn, I see Buffy toss her head in my direction and shit, gotta love my slayer reflexes. Just in time I sink back into the blindness of the shadows.

I pinch myself every time I think about this second chance I've been given. At least I gotta chance to do good now, you know? But not here. Watching them through the glass, it plays like an old silent movie. They've been through at lot, hell I've even been the cause of some of it. When Buffy passed me that scythe I knew something had changed, not forgiveness, heck, wouldn't even ask for that, I've been way too shitty, but it was like a clean slate, you know? I gotta chance to do some good for once, to change. Standing by the hole that was Sunny-D, don't wipe out what I did by a long shot, 'cause I've got that conscience thing going on now. And lets face it, mine isn't ever gonna let up now I'm actually listening to it. Destroying Sunny-D is just another reason to change, even though it was hard, losing Anya, Spike and then Robin, that town took a lot of bad stuff with it too.

I could be there with them, hell, I want to be there, in there…but I can't, it's too hard, how fucked-up is that? It was easier to hate, it flowed through me, and gave me a buzz that made me feel alive but this caring thing, it hurts even when it feels good, like a constant ache, crushing but comforting. God, I admit it, I care for the Scoobs. Don't think I even hated any of them, even then. Of course there was her. She was all I could see…my vision was blinded by B. Before, when we were getting so close, she was still so far away, she had Angel and her Scooby-friends. The ache was so strong, I never wanted it to go away but it hurt so much and when the shit went down it was easier to hurt her. The rest of them just got caught in the cross-fire. It was all about her. I can't risk that happening again and it's why I can't go back in there with them, and with her. I'm gotta go back to what I know, to being on my own. I don't risk hurting nobody that way, so I have to split…they got plenty of slayers, now right? It's what I want. What I have to do. I've never stuck around nowhere in my life, no reason to really. Old habits and all that…

Man, is it getting cold, been stood here for ages, guess it really is time to go.

"Faith" Her voice startles me I step back almost tripping over my duffel, "Ah, fuck" Damn slayers, so sneaky.

"What's going on?" She asks. Her hazel gaze lingers on the small bag of my stuff. I step in front of it, shifting it backwards with my boot.

"Nothin' B…" I find an interesting spot on the outside wall and stare at it. I feel a sudden chill and pull my leather-clad arms tighter around my chest. She takes a step closer to me and her faint but girly scent invades my senses and makes me lose my head for a second. I trip over the words as my excuse dissolves but B, and her witty-motor mouth beats me to it.

"Its okay, Faith, I don't need the newflash… my slaydar is working just fine. You're running away…" Oh god, why does she have to look so cute, being all dramatic. The cuteness evaporates quickly when she levels me with a serious look "…Don't you care?" Those words make the bad memories flash through my head. I shiver and she gasps as I see the déjà vu flash through her eyes too. Hurt pricks right up in the corners of my eyes; I blink it back and try to curl my lips into a smile. I can't quite make it and it turns into a grimace.

"Don't B" It leaves my lips as a husky snarl. "Just…Don't"

"Faith" She raises her arm, my whole body poises tensely and I think she's gonna swing for me. God knows I've been on the end of a few of B's slayer punches. They hurt like hell, even those 'gentle' ones we exchange whilst sparring. The shot of slayer tingles doubles let me tell ya. Each sting of pain shoots those tingly waves through my veins and well, everywhere. I shut my eyes expecting the blow, not even attempting a counter attack, 'cause redemption's a bitch.

My face is all screwed up in some kind of pathetic defence, expecting pain. Instead, her soft thumb traces my bottom lip then drops across my face to tug my chin up. My stomach goes on a lightening sky-dive to my toes, doing a flip on the way that makes me feel fucking sick. Slowly looking up from the floor my eyes roam over her body, ending at those pretty hazel pools. A shiver rolls through me, but damn if I can tell where the pleasure starts and the fear end. Fuck, it's too intense and I can't keep in my breathy sigh.

"I'm sorry Faith…" She begins quietly, "I shouldn't have said…"

"So you think I don't care" I tear away from her touch as the words slip past my lips, laced in bitterness and barely a whisper. Of course, its loud enough for slayer hearing to catch. Even though they're my words, each one is painful; tugging softly, teasingly, like the worst kind of torture. It's worse than any punches I've got, from vamps, demons and B combined. It's more like what it felt that night, every-time I remember his innocent eyes, rolled back in a glassy gleam that reflected death. Alan Finch…god, I shake my head violently as if it will get rid of that image. I breathe in, swing my arms by my side, leaning back on my leg to cross my arms over my chest and when I've blinked the memories away, I paste on a smile for good measure.

It's okay. I can smile. I really don't care. I don't. I can't really be kidding myself that much. I don't fucking care. I never did, not even then, and that's why I'm getting out of here…

My painted smile, yunno before, I could fake it quite nicely, nothing would budge it, I kept it so firmly pasted on that superglue would be jealous. Back then I was so young and stupid, nothing could get through my stubborn front. When I was first in Sunny-hell I sometimes thought that B could see through and would reach in. As much as I wanted it the more my painted smile grew. Now after everything and this new me I don't wanna cover up any more. My smile falls away god, just one look at her, and it's gone, wiped as clear as glass. Once it's erased my whole body betrays me. My arms fall heavily, the hurt sags my shoulders and love squeezes my chest like a vice. I don't even have the strength to be angry anymore, or to pretend. I tried for too long, since way back when I arrived in Sunnydale and especially now. For too long I have hidden the seeping, raw, scratching, the pain that bleeds into the love so its one and the same, that constant ache that fucking hurts. For the first time it's more alive than the hate ever was.

She draws in a loud sharp breath that flares her nostrils and causes the hair around her face to flutter. Oh god, I've gotta get out of here, but I can't move. Trembling but tied to the spot.

I risk a glance. She looks scared as her eyes survey me carefully. The unrelenting glare burns as they widen and she's finally seeing. It's terrifying but like a car crash, I can't look away. I'm lost in the pretty hazel, my mouth moving silently of its own accord.

"Too much, B." I invade the silence quietly and the only thing I can hear is my heart pounding in my ears.

A crease spreads across her forehead, "What?"

I breathe in sucking in the air like a vacuum so fast it even burns my super-human lungs. My chest pounds to a new beat, awakening my long buried burning for her. It duets with the strangling fear pushing out the words that I can't seem to stop.

"I care too much…" I squeeze my eyes closed, trying to cling onto my last barrier, to curtain the last window of my feelings "…always have."

She opens and closes her eyes slowly, blinking a blank look in her wide eyes, and it hurts because I feel blank and clear. My gaze flickers back to watch the Scoobies through the window. She is still there, hovering in the reflection, blonde hair looking fuzzily like a halo in the glass and ha. I want to laugh. B is a fucking angel. I can't resist her, even in reflection, am I sucker for pain or what? I try to steal one last glance into her eyes…

Her smiling eyes…What? There's a green sparkle, lighting her whole face and below, her cheeks tug a soft, beautiful smile from her lips.

"That's what I dared to hope" she whispers quietly. Her mirror image steps forward and air escapes my lungs in a rush, as every inch of her presses into my back. She pushes my hair away from my face, running a finger across my cheek. My body turns to meet the touch and B is already grasping my face and pulling it towards her. My senses are on overload and my eyes fall closed to shut one off. Her smell is so close, heady and enveloping and followed by lips barely there but insistent on seeking and tasting, all the sensations swirl sense away. How come this feels like enough, like all I ever wanted? Yet somehow I still want more. She lets go of my bottom lip, letting it spring back softly and it aches with loss.

"B…" I almost choke it out, "I can't…"

"Faith, what you just said, tells me you can, and you…definitely want" Damn, where'd she get the sexy eyebrow wiggle. My eyes roam, following the demonstrating hand and huh? I get a tut and an eye-roll in return. Hey! what did she expect? I open my mouth to voice a warning but B is already talking.

"F…I want this" She gestures between the two of us, her eyes never leaving mine "…always have"

And she pushes up on her toes a second time, seeking out my lips. We don't push it further, letting them rest together perfectly and revelling in the soft touch. Her arms snake around my back pulling with full slayer force, it's almost at odds with the soft feathery touches circling the bottom of my back, she pulls till our bodies are drawn as close as our lips. We both breathe deeply at the feeling where warm sweet air invades both our mouths and lips trade gentle touches. When my tongue slips smoothly over hers a wave of shivers passes through my whole body. At this moment I almost believe I can do this, my arms move from hanging limply, charting the curve of her back, stroking her sleek neck until they arrive at her cheeks. Her hair falls in my face and mine into hers. Breaking away she smiles. I'm breathless and winded and it feels like she's punched me, but in the best way.

"But…but…" She has me stuck I got no clever comeback for this. Beneath the, wanna-shout-around-the-world joy the fear is pulsing and pounding, a wild race inside my chest. It's strong enough to make me step away from her. I instantly feel a pang in my gut as her smile falls.

"B, I'm sorry…" I tear my eyes away from her glistening ones.

"No Faith, tonight, I saw you through that window and you let me see into yours. I know you don't want to go and it's not just that. It's…it's just. Please Faith, I need you to stay"

Her whispered words echo loudly and they're all I needed to hear. She needs me as much as I need her. I take the hand offered to me, and surround it with strong but soft slayer grip. Finally I dare to look into a pair of gleaming green eyes. Her lips leave a soft peck on mine and it's one of hope and possibility. The mark they burn on my own means for once there is a reason to stay. The thought makes me dizzy.

"C'mon, F…" Before I know it B swings around me, taking advantage of my spaced state, grabbing me round the waist. I feel her warmth this time as she presses up against me. Her chin rests on my shoulder as she breaths hotly into my ear, "No more escape tricks, F, you're mine". By the time we crash through to the door where the rest of the Scoobies we're both breathless from the tickling. When we hit the ground, my back slams into the floor and B lands heavily on my stomach but the groan is one of pure pleasure.

As five Scooby heads shoot looks in our direction, B looks up through a veil of blush and clears her throat, "Um, hey guys…" She says nervously but it soon gives way to a smirk "I kinda found this stray-girl wandering around outside" She stands up in all her graceful power, offering me a hand up. I smile as she keeps her hand in mine even after I'm upright again.

"Hey B, I hope you know, they're not just for Christmas yunno, they're for life…you gotta walk 'em, feed'em" I find my eyebrows dancing of their own free will, "ride 'em…"

"Faith." She gives me a warning look, but can't keep the smirk or the flash of longing from her face as her eyes meet mine clinging to my gaze.

"So are we taking her back to the pound then?" Xander's voice interrupts goofily. Neither of us look away. A big smile blossoms across her face going so far that it almost tickles her ears.

"Nah, I think she's a keeper" And the smile creeps across my face in reflection.

I'm watching again. The sounds of the Scoobies surround me, man, the sounds of Red and Giles and their Watchery-babble. The little squirt is whining, whilst K and Xander argue about the best woman superhero. Gotta say, I know which hot chick with superpowers floats my boat.

The sounds filter around my little bubble as I look from the warmth, outside the glass. I step closer, reaching out, the hard cold surface separates me from the darkness and it chill almost burns. Now, the darkness and its shadows look cold and lonely. I finally realise the darkness is what we fight against everyday, it hides the vamps and the demons, its cloaking blackness covers the evils we fight.

It wasn't safer there. If you stay in the darkness you lose yourself to it.

I've already done that once.

"Hey" A small voice chases away my daydream. She smiles at me and I can finally turn my back on the darkness and the doubt, brought me into the light and the warmth she's all the reason in the world.

"Well, I was enjoying the rear view, but what the hey…" She pauses to give me a little kiss, "I might like this one even better"

Never unseen, not anymore. And the sentimental shit? Fucking great.

END