So that was that. It was so hard not to look back, but I reckon I wouldn't be boarding a plane now if I had. It's all such a blur. I feel like I have left something behind. Like I don't fully believe in all of this but, for now, I'm using the excuse that it's the idea of being away from UCOS. 'Whatever happened to the old Sandra Pullman?' I almost hear it coming from Strickland's mouth as I walk away from the pub with tear-filled eyes: his eyes said it all. Well, she got comfortable. She made friends and learnt that this job isn't all about the, well, work! It's about living life and enjoying work. That is something that the boys taught me, that I will never forget.

I sit in the waiting lounge, the loud rushing around me muted for a moment as I reflect on the last few days. In the past three days, I have resigned, found a job, caught a serial killer and had my last heart-to-heart with a great friend. Sure, Danny and Steve are great but that few moments with Gerry replay in my head, assuring me of this plunge into the pit of risk.

A pain shoots up the side of my head and I reach into my mess of a handbag for paracetamol before coming across an unfamiliar pale yellow envelope. Pulling it out confused, I track through the past week or so for an explanation to this before flipping it over to find 'Guv' scribbled in the middle. Smiling, immediately knowing who it is from but eager to find out its content.

Dear Sandra,

I wonder where you are right now. On a plane, in a car? Or your bed about to leave?

Why would that matter anyway? I wrote this thinking it would be easier than saying it in words, well, it isn't! I'm on my fourth sheet of paper. I deserve it for being a coward I suppose! I didn't have the guts to say ALL of this to you.

Thank you. Thanks for giving me a chance. I knew you weren't keen on me to begin with! I'm proud that I turned that impression around enough for you to stay for so long! You made UCOS. You planted the seed, and watching it grow alongside you, I realise how important this place was to us all. Yeah, was. It doesn't really matter anymore? We won't ever get another Guv like you.

So even though you shout and never give warning before 'Bird In Charge' mode takes place, these ten years have gone all too fast! Ten! Yeah, remember when you got in a mood with ME over those maggots in your salad. Yeah, what was it you called me?! I'll miss these times, just like I will miss you.

I'm writing this as a precautionary closure. A goodbye if things don't turn out like we planned. We all know how you get caught up with work, especially me! So if you don't have time, I understand. Just don't forget the fun us dinosaurs had, eh?

Thank you, for everything. Keep the wine handy- you never know when I will be in France!

Love,

Gerry xxx

Tears roll down my face but I don't rush to conceal them. I just want to hug him. Like I did before. Gerry's voice was the only thing keeping me going ahead with all of this. I'm stuck in a rut, yes. But I don't want to leave. A rut is only a rut if its uncomfortably known about. When it's like this, it's home.