To cut the pear in two. Couper la poire en deux.

Colonel Hogan is ill and his men want to make him feel better. Will they convince Schultz to help? This was a bit difficult because I'm not familiar with the saying. It turns out it's about compromise, not about dividing things equally. Luckily, I know some French folks who advised me before I started writing.

The small group of three were standing at the entrance to the German messhall. Schultz was determinedly blocking the door so that the two POWs couldn't enter. The contrast between the tall powerfully built Kinch and the tiny wiry LeBeau was almost comical. Both of them were earnestly trying to convince Schultz of their good intentions.

LeBeau took a breath and carefully hid any sign of temper. "But Schultz, no one will even know."

The hulking Schultz stood firm, shaking his head. "Nein. I cannot allow you into our messhall. It is forbidden!" He shook one finger sternly.

"But how else can I get the things I need for soup?" protested LeBeau. "The colonel is very sick and he cannot keep that German swill down. Let me in the kitchen and I can make him some chicken soup and he will feel much better." LeBeau held up his hands pleadingly. "I won't take long, I promise, Schultzy!"

"Nein! I would get into big trouble!." Schultz tutted. "I cannot break the rules, not even for soup for Colonel Hogan." He glanced around nervously.

Kinch stepped a little closer and reached into one of his jacket pockets. He produced an apple. It wasn't the most pristine apple but it was what they had left. "Schultz, do you know what this is?" He twisted the apple under Schultz's nose.

"Ja. It is an apple." Suddenly frowning, Schultz looked closer at Kinch. "Where did you get an apple? You have been up to monkey business again!"

Kinch rolled his eyes. "I got it from Newkirk. You'd have to ask him where he got it, but he's just going to lie anyway. But Schultz..." He pushed the apple under his nose again. "Look again. This isn't just any apple."

Peering closely at it suspiciously, Schultz glanced at Kinch. "It looks like any apple to me."

LeBeau pressed in closer. "Non. Schultz, this is an apple that can become apple strudel." He leaned in. "Smell it. Just a bit of butter and a little cinnamon… they won't miss just a little bit of stuff, right Schultz?" LeBeau smiled as Schultz moaned at the thought of the pastry treat.

"You would make this apple into strudel?" Schultz let out another moan and put one large hand onto his belly. "Oh cockroach, I love apple strudel!"

LeBeau started to step past the guard towards the German messhall door. "Oui, and while I am in the kitchen, I will just whip up some soup for mon colonel… no one will ever know."

He was blocked again by the huge sergeant. "Nein. I still cannot let you inside. The kommandant has given strict orders that no one can go into the kitchens who should not be there. He said that the inventory is wrong because someone has been stealing supplies and anyone who is caught will be sent to the Russian Front or shot!" Schultz clutched his rifle tightly in nervous hands. He was obviously convinced of the danger from the kommandant.

Kinch pretended to be confused. "But how will he decide which punishment to give out?" He tried to shift himself aside enough to get Schultz to turn away from the door.

Schultz only turned a little bit but gave Kinch's question somber attention. "If the thief is a guard, they go to the Russian Front. If it is a prisoner, they get shot." He eyed LeBeau who stopped edging closer to the door and acted innocent. "Of course, the guard will be shot at the Russian Front so perhaps it is the same punishment for anyone."

"Except that the prisoner doesn't get to leave camp." Kinch tried again but Schultz moved to block LeBeau instead. "Schultz, come on, we don't want much. It's just a little chicken."

LeBeau spoke up quickly before Schultz could protest. "Oui and not even a whole chicken. Schultz, just let me get the leftover chicken bones and I can make stock from them. It's not stealing. They would just go into the garbage so it's not stealing!"

Schultz looked indecisive. "Maybe it would be okay for just the bones..." He suddenly clamped his jaw tightly. "Nein, I cannot let you into the kitchens. Not for strudel, not for chicken bones. You cannot go inside the messhall kitchens for any reason!" He hefted up his rifle, although everyone knew he rarely had any bullets in it.

Looking desperate, LeBeau pleaded. "Schultz, maybe we can cut the pear in two? If you get the things from the kitchen for me then I can cook them in the barracks and then no one went into the kitchens who was not supposed to be in them but I can still make the soup."

Looking puzzled, Schultz frowned. "What pears? I thought it was apples?"

Before Schultz could get too confused or decide to object because he didn't understand, Kinch stepped in. "He means we can compromise so everyone is happy, Schultz. If you get the chicken bones that would be thrown away anyway, then no one is stealing and LeBeau will cook it in the barracks on the stove and no one is going into the messhall kitchens. So no one gets into trouble, right? Everyone gets what they need and Colonel Hogan can get some hot soup and he'll get better. You want Colonel Hogan to get better, right? He's really sick, Schultz."

"Of course I want Colonel Hogan to not be sick." Schultz folded up a bit. "Maybe it would be okay to get you the things, if you don't go inside."

LeBeau beamed and encouraged him. "Oui! And it's not breaking any rules at all! And you know the kommandant wants for Colonel Hogan to get well again." He crowded up against Schultz. "Please Schultz?"

Schultz finally began to waffle. "But you will make apple strudel too, ja? I do not have any pears for you to cut but if Kinch has the apple then maybe just a little butter and sugar… if I also get the leftover chicken bones?" He was already looking around nervously. It was a sure sign he was considering joining in on their scheme.

LeBeau agreed quickly. "Oui! I will make the best strudel you have ever tasted, I promise!" He moved away from the door. "Just bring me the chicken!"

Kinch nodded and then added in a low voice. "Yes… otherwise certain people might decide to get desperate and get supplies themselves out of the kitchen and then you'd get blamed for all the missing things, since you're the one guarding the door."

Schultz looked startled. "No!" He peered around and then leaned closer. "Who would do such a thing?"

LeBeau scooted up under Schultz's chin to speak quietly. "Not to point any fingers but his name starts with 'new' and ends with 'kirk'. And Schultz, you know that when he puts his mind to getting a thing, he will get it or get caught trying and then you will have to shoot him!"

"Nein! Nein!" Schultz waved one hand in utmost denial. "No one will be shot and no one will steal anything. I will get the things and bring them to you and you will make Colonel Hogan some soup so he will get better and you will make me some strudel so that I will get fatter and no one will get into any trouble, ja!?" He straightened up and sighed. "Why do you always try to cause trouble? All of you jolly jokers, always with the monkey business and getting me into trouble. One day it will be too far and then we will all be in trouble."

Kinch grinned at him. "Yes, but today is not that day, Schultz."

The two POWs scurried away, reassured that the German sergeant would follow through on his promise. Schultz sighed again, watching them go and realizing what he'd agreed to. Somehow it always sounded reasonable at the time.

"Nein, not today… perhaps tomorrow..." He shrugged and went inside to find all the things LeBeau needed. At least in the end today, he would get some apple strudel.

And wasn't that the important thing? In Schultz's world, sometimes yes.

End

Okay, maybe this time Colonel Hogan was sick... but not very sick! It doesn't count, right?