This Is Where Harry Potter Would Have Gone If He Hadn't Gone To Hogwarts
By Lady Onyx Orion, Psychomancer and Dementress
Greyseal Public School
American School For Wizardry And Witchcraft
Home Of The Scorpions
Motto: Do Not Kill Your Enemies, But Make Them Wish That They Were Never Born
District Administrator: Annie Riddle.
Annie is a very scary person. She normally looks like this: Shiny black hair pulled back in a tight bun, dark sunglasses that you can't see behind, dark lipstick, white silk tailored suit, black kid leather gloves. She smokes. She used to be married to Voldemort. However, she's given up Dark witchcraft for Grey witchcraft.
Explanation: Grey wizardry is worse than Dark wizardry, however strange that may seem. The thing that unites both Dark and Light wizardry is that they draw their power from within. Dark wizardry draws power from anger and hate; Light wizardry from righteousness and love. Grey magic draws its power from manipulating other humans as if they were pawns. That is why Grey wizards and witches are both so few and so powerful. It takes a certain, very scary mindset to practice Grey magic. You need to be able to suppress all emotions in order to properly practice Grey magic. The only emotions a Grey warlock feels are annoyance at a foe or vindictive contentedness at an enemy defeated. (Well, that and sex.)
The most inept Grey novice is more powerful than the most ancient Light or Dark mage. I happen to be a Grey witch, and very powerful at that. I could kick Voldemort's scaly ass. Then I would drain the life force out of Dumbledore. And then I would go and have sex with Draco Malfoy. In fact, I would do all this is I wasn't so busy writing this little dossier. As soon as I'm done, I'll go and screw that sexy bitch Draco until he passes out from sexual exhaustion. I don't really care about killing Voldie and Dumbleass. I like watching them fight. Maybe later I'll get into their heads and make them screw each other. I think that would be fun.
Principal: Mr. Juan Abejo
A smooth Hispanic man. Grey hair, grey eyes. Very smooth and scary. Keeps a huge black scorpion named Geffen in his office. Frighteningly efficient. If he was the headmaster of Hogwarts, it would be like Rupert Murdoch taking over MAD Magazine. Probably the most evil wizard in the world. He's a Grey wizard, so there's no way anyone's ever going to depose him. Dumbleass and Voldie can cast all the spells they want, but at the end, Juan Abejo is going to be sitting in his chair, raising his eyebrow at you in that way that means that you're in BIG BIG TROUBLE and signing detention papers. And he'll be feeding the charred remains of Voldie and Dumbleass to Geffen.
Vice Principal: Dr. Carlotta Russell
Large black woman. Very scary, has a moustache. Dresses mostly in red suits, long bright fingernails. Roams the halls looking for troublemakers. If she catches you, she grabs your ear or your hair, hisses at you that you're in big trouble now, and drags you off to the office. She's a scary bitch. If she ever catches you, you're extremely dead.
Most of the teachers are burnt-out wrecks. The few that aren't are either totally oblivious or extremely calm. They don't have house-elves (we call them hobs in America); instead, there are little self-repairing von Neumann nanotech machines that clean up all around the place.
Houses
McMahon
Motto: Sheket la baka sha! Translation: Shut yer mouth and know yer role!
House for white trash. Made up of idiots. Equivalent: Hufflepuff.
Head Of House: Stephanie Hearst-Helmsley, teaching Aphromancy, sex magic. Stephanie is a bitch. She only got the job because her mother is a good friend of Mr. Abejo.
Hendrix
Motto: Con tu bruja palmendo y tu lengua de cocaína, tu conseguir nunca. Translation: With your bitch slap-rapping and your cocaine tongue you get nothing done.
House for punks and Goths. Most Muggle-borns in this house. Equivalent: Slytherin.
Head Of House: Rage Robinson, teaching social sciences. Rage is a cool guy, very liberal. He takes off a lot of time to march for equal rites. (Ha ha, Discworld pun. Aren't I just so funny? Shut up.)
Pratchett
Motto: It's crackers to slip a rozzer the dropsy in snide! Translation: What--me worry?
House for nerds. Turns out mainly extremely smart people who just happen to be completely psychotic. Equivalent: Ravenclaw.
Head Of House: Dejah Thoris, teaching Reality Displacement. No one ever really sees Dejah. She's a shapeshifter, so she can take whatever shape she likes.
Eminem
Motto: Me est omnicum tu dicum me est. Translation: I am whatever you say I am.
House for gangstas. Mostly macho idiots and sluts. Equivalent: Gryffindor.
Head Of House: Marshall Mathers, teaching Endocrancy, the manipulating of emotions. And guess who Marshall Mathers is? A skinny white Detroiter who hates just about everyone.
The Greyseal Quidditch team, called the Scorpions (what else?) is made up mainly of very scary upperclassmen. Except, of course, for the Seeker, who seems to always be a frosh. The Seeker on the Scorpions is a Pratchett girl named Gloria Silverblossom. She's a very pretty girl, very fierce and determined. She comes from a very old wizarding family that's fallen into disrepute; her parents just ran off one day. Now she lives in a huge, broken-down house on the wrong side of Detroit, taking care of her younger siblings. I think if Harry ever met her, he'd like her very much.
The coach of the Scorpions is this guy named Mr. Nogo. He's this big bug-eyed bastard. He used to be in the army. Nobody listens to him anymore. The captain of the team is a Hendrix kid named Ryan Maxis. Ryan is the reincarnation of James Potter, but he's a member of the Trenchcoat Mafia, so don't expect too much from him.
Greyseal is a kickass school. Here's what would have happened if Harry would have gone there: He'd be a lot better well-equipped to handle his enemies. Instead of being some brave little idiot, he'd be a smart little motherfucker. Instead of trying to handle Voldemort all alone, he'd wait until he had the appropriate firepower, and then do the Spy Vs. Spy thing and fill the bastard with hot lead.
And he'd have lost his virginity by now, too. Probably to some hot little junior who thinks his scar is just SO CUTE. It is, too. And if you'd ever care to try it, magical scars tend to be VERY sensitive (wink wink). Heh. Maybe I'll screw BOTH Draco and Harry. Or maybe I'll let them screw each other. Hey, maybe I'll kill Scott and watch Ron try to screw Hermione over a desk or against a wall or something. Or maybe I'll just get Voldemort drunk, see what kissing a snake feels like. You want to try it?
Quick note to Mrs. Norris: You're a very cool cat. You're totally a playeress, like me. Rock on, kittycat!
By Lady Onyx Orion, Psychomancer and Dementress
Greyseal Public School
American School For Wizardry And Witchcraft
Home Of The Scorpions
Motto: Do Not Kill Your Enemies, But Make Them Wish That They Were Never Born
District Administrator: Annie Riddle.
Annie is a very scary person. She normally looks like this: Shiny black hair pulled back in a tight bun, dark sunglasses that you can't see behind, dark lipstick, white silk tailored suit, black kid leather gloves. She smokes. She used to be married to Voldemort. However, she's given up Dark witchcraft for Grey witchcraft.
Explanation: Grey wizardry is worse than Dark wizardry, however strange that may seem. The thing that unites both Dark and Light wizardry is that they draw their power from within. Dark wizardry draws power from anger and hate; Light wizardry from righteousness and love. Grey magic draws its power from manipulating other humans as if they were pawns. That is why Grey wizards and witches are both so few and so powerful. It takes a certain, very scary mindset to practice Grey magic. You need to be able to suppress all emotions in order to properly practice Grey magic. The only emotions a Grey warlock feels are annoyance at a foe or vindictive contentedness at an enemy defeated. (Well, that and sex.)
The most inept Grey novice is more powerful than the most ancient Light or Dark mage. I happen to be a Grey witch, and very powerful at that. I could kick Voldemort's scaly ass. Then I would drain the life force out of Dumbledore. And then I would go and have sex with Draco Malfoy. In fact, I would do all this is I wasn't so busy writing this little dossier. As soon as I'm done, I'll go and screw that sexy bitch Draco until he passes out from sexual exhaustion. I don't really care about killing Voldie and Dumbleass. I like watching them fight. Maybe later I'll get into their heads and make them screw each other. I think that would be fun.
Principal: Mr. Juan Abejo
A smooth Hispanic man. Grey hair, grey eyes. Very smooth and scary. Keeps a huge black scorpion named Geffen in his office. Frighteningly efficient. If he was the headmaster of Hogwarts, it would be like Rupert Murdoch taking over MAD Magazine. Probably the most evil wizard in the world. He's a Grey wizard, so there's no way anyone's ever going to depose him. Dumbleass and Voldie can cast all the spells they want, but at the end, Juan Abejo is going to be sitting in his chair, raising his eyebrow at you in that way that means that you're in BIG BIG TROUBLE and signing detention papers. And he'll be feeding the charred remains of Voldie and Dumbleass to Geffen.
Vice Principal: Dr. Carlotta Russell
Large black woman. Very scary, has a moustache. Dresses mostly in red suits, long bright fingernails. Roams the halls looking for troublemakers. If she catches you, she grabs your ear or your hair, hisses at you that you're in big trouble now, and drags you off to the office. She's a scary bitch. If she ever catches you, you're extremely dead.
Most of the teachers are burnt-out wrecks. The few that aren't are either totally oblivious or extremely calm. They don't have house-elves (we call them hobs in America); instead, there are little self-repairing von Neumann nanotech machines that clean up all around the place.
Houses
McMahon
Motto: Sheket la baka sha! Translation: Shut yer mouth and know yer role!
House for white trash. Made up of idiots. Equivalent: Hufflepuff.
Head Of House: Stephanie Hearst-Helmsley, teaching Aphromancy, sex magic. Stephanie is a bitch. She only got the job because her mother is a good friend of Mr. Abejo.
Hendrix
Motto: Con tu bruja palmendo y tu lengua de cocaína, tu conseguir nunca. Translation: With your bitch slap-rapping and your cocaine tongue you get nothing done.
House for punks and Goths. Most Muggle-borns in this house. Equivalent: Slytherin.
Head Of House: Rage Robinson, teaching social sciences. Rage is a cool guy, very liberal. He takes off a lot of time to march for equal rites. (Ha ha, Discworld pun. Aren't I just so funny? Shut up.)
Pratchett
Motto: It's crackers to slip a rozzer the dropsy in snide! Translation: What--me worry?
House for nerds. Turns out mainly extremely smart people who just happen to be completely psychotic. Equivalent: Ravenclaw.
Head Of House: Dejah Thoris, teaching Reality Displacement. No one ever really sees Dejah. She's a shapeshifter, so she can take whatever shape she likes.
Eminem
Motto: Me est omnicum tu dicum me est. Translation: I am whatever you say I am.
House for gangstas. Mostly macho idiots and sluts. Equivalent: Gryffindor.
Head Of House: Marshall Mathers, teaching Endocrancy, the manipulating of emotions. And guess who Marshall Mathers is? A skinny white Detroiter who hates just about everyone.
The Greyseal Quidditch team, called the Scorpions (what else?) is made up mainly of very scary upperclassmen. Except, of course, for the Seeker, who seems to always be a frosh. The Seeker on the Scorpions is a Pratchett girl named Gloria Silverblossom. She's a very pretty girl, very fierce and determined. She comes from a very old wizarding family that's fallen into disrepute; her parents just ran off one day. Now she lives in a huge, broken-down house on the wrong side of Detroit, taking care of her younger siblings. I think if Harry ever met her, he'd like her very much.
The coach of the Scorpions is this guy named Mr. Nogo. He's this big bug-eyed bastard. He used to be in the army. Nobody listens to him anymore. The captain of the team is a Hendrix kid named Ryan Maxis. Ryan is the reincarnation of James Potter, but he's a member of the Trenchcoat Mafia, so don't expect too much from him.
Greyseal is a kickass school. Here's what would have happened if Harry would have gone there: He'd be a lot better well-equipped to handle his enemies. Instead of being some brave little idiot, he'd be a smart little motherfucker. Instead of trying to handle Voldemort all alone, he'd wait until he had the appropriate firepower, and then do the Spy Vs. Spy thing and fill the bastard with hot lead.
And he'd have lost his virginity by now, too. Probably to some hot little junior who thinks his scar is just SO CUTE. It is, too. And if you'd ever care to try it, magical scars tend to be VERY sensitive (wink wink). Heh. Maybe I'll screw BOTH Draco and Harry. Or maybe I'll let them screw each other. Hey, maybe I'll kill Scott and watch Ron try to screw Hermione over a desk or against a wall or something. Or maybe I'll just get Voldemort drunk, see what kissing a snake feels like. You want to try it?
Quick note to Mrs. Norris: You're a very cool cat. You're totally a playeress, like me. Rock on, kittycat!