SeeD's Wacky Races
Dollet Double Dash
by Aaron D.
"Ladies and gentlemen, we are live!" called Irvine from the blimp overlooking the Dollet race course. The first two turns of the fifty-mile race track could be seen clearly below and behind the gallantly-dressed announcer, who was screaming into his microphone enthusiastically. He looked at the camera with excitement. "I'm your host, Irvine Kinneas. Welcome to today's edition of 'Wacky Races!' Which one of our competitors will win the prize? Here to tell you about today's event is my good friend and co-announcer (and one super-hot piece of tail, by the way), Rinoa!"
"I swear," Rinoa was saying to the cameraman down on the ground level, "If he hits on me on the air one more time, I'm gonna-" She noticed the light on the camera was on. "Oops! Uh, thanks, Irvine! Today, our racers are going to face the treacherous 'Dollet Double Dash!' This race track circles twice around the outskirts of the city, with a hairpin turn leading into 'Dead Man's Valley' towards the finish. In addition, our competitors will have to jump two separate canyons along the raceway!"
"Sounds exciting," said Irvine from the Wacky Races blimp. "Now, let's take a look at the line-up of racers for today."
Car #1: The Squallmobile!
Pilots: Squall Leonhart, Selphie Tilmitt
Car #2: Dog-o-matic Wonder!
Pilots: Zell Dincht, Quistis Trepe
Car #3: Go, Go, Galbadia!
Pilots: Biggs Darklighter, Wedge Antilles
Car #4: Disciplinary Dynamo!
Pilots: Seifer Almasy, Fujin, Raijin (no last names given)
Car #5: Sorceress Supreme!
Pilots: Edea Kramer, Cid Kramer
Car #6: Insane Asylum!
Pilots: Doctor Odine, Ward Zabacc, Ellone Loire
Car #7: Supporting Casters!
Pilots: Nida Johnson (sic), Master Fisherman, Ma Dincht
Car #8: Retro Rocket!
Pilots: Laguna Loire, Kiros Seagull, Xu Xiadang (sic)
"And, as always," Irvine reminded the audience, "all of our racers are miked, so that we can hear their every thought and insight during the race. And they're off!" The eight cars zipped past the starting line in a cloud of smoke. "Taking an early lead is the Retro Rocket..."
"That's right, Irvine," Rinoa jumped in as the camera focused on Laguna's rocket-shaped car. "President Laguna Loire of Esthar has made his racer up to resemble the space shuttles of which he's so fond. Let's see what His Excellency is up to now..."
"All right!" Laguna shouted, taking one of his hands off the steering wheel to pump his fist into the air. "I can't believe we're already in first!"
"Keep both of your hands on the wheel, Laguna," Kiros said, trying to steady the car's direction himself.
"Don't be such a worry-wart," said Laguna.
"Um, guys," Xu said softly but urgently from the backseat. The Retro Rocket was coming up on a sharp, almost ninety-degree, turn.
"Whoa!" Laguna jerked the wheel to the right, nearly causing all three of the car's occupants to fly out of their seats.
"Be more careful!" Kiros shouted.
"Uh-oh," called Irvine from the blimp, "looks like Seifer and his 'posse' are catching up quick. What dirty, nasty, evil tricks will that dastardly gang try?"
Seifer grinned at the camera as he drove the Disciplinary Dynamo, an open-top car covered with advertising decals. It had very unaerodynamic fish fins and a huge chrome spoiler. Raijin waved from his elevated seat in the back while Fujin glowered at the camera drone from the passenger's side. "You know," Seifer said, "I'm not really evil. People just misunderstand me all the time. No one gets me-"
"FUJIN, GET."
"Yeah, like, I get you too, ya know?"
Seifer groaned. "Okay, no one who matters gets me. Anyway, as I was saying, people always think I'm some disgusting lizard-like creature who can't be trusted in any situation. This is SO far from the truth."
Fujin waved in agreement. "TRUE, NOT."
"Yeah," Raijin said. "He's like, not evil, or anything, ya know?"
"You said it, guys." Stomping on the gas pedal, Seifer sped past the Retro Rocket and pressed a button on the console. "Now watch as I use our car's 'oil slick' ability to knock that old geezer and his gang out of the race!" Several gallons of motor oil squirted from under the Disciplinary Dynamo's trunk, soaking the roadway. Laguna's car spun out and left the course, smashing its side into a cactus. Seifer cackled maniacally, shouting, "Later, suckers!" as he captured first place.
"Phew," said the President of Esthar said. "That was a little scary, but it looks like we all made it out okay."
"Yeah," Xu said. "I think we're all in one piece."
"Not all of us," Kiros said in a falsetto, picking cactus stickers out of his right arm, right leg, and a few other places best left unmentioned.
"Oh!" Irvine said dramatically. "What a horrible upheaval! But it looks like we have another new challenger catching up to Seifer and company! That's right, we've got top SeeDs Zell Dincht and Quistis Trepe quickly making up time in the Dog-o-matic Wonder!"
"Aside from being the only vehicle in the world to be shaped like a hot dog," Rinoa quickly explained, "The Dog-o-Matic also runs completely off of rendered beef fat, thanks to the genius of its creator, Quistis Trepe."
The camera looked past Zell, sitting in the passenger's seat of the Dog-o-matic Wonder, and focused in on the blond female SeeD, who was doing her best to keep in the running for first place. "Mmm-hmm," she said absently, concentrating on the road in front of her. "I also gave the car its 'hot dog' shape because of its aerodynamic nature, not because of its, er, resemblance to any specific food product."
"Plus," added Zell, opening what looked like it might have been the glove compartment, "it makes all the hot dogs you want!" He pulled three footlongs out of the compartment. "Awww yeaahh!" He started stuffing his face. Suddenly, Quistis had to step on the brakes, interrupting Zell's digestive process. He coughed as a piece of hot dog got stuck in his throat. Pointing to his chest, he motioned for Quistis to help him.
"As I was saying," Quistis continued, oblivious to her partner's difficulties, "I've been pretty amazed at what speeds this car can maintain using only beef fat (and certain other meat products). I've already applied to the Balamb Patent Office for the process, but I can only hope the Galbadian government doesn't try to take it from me. We all know what happened with the whole 'McSushi Hut Chihuahua' incident. That dog was legally the property of Timber Maniacs, cruelly stolen by the Galbadian goverment-Zell, are you all right?"
Zell's face was turning blue. He gestured frantically for Quistis' help. Sighing, Quistis punched him in the gut. A large chunk of processed hot dog meat flew out and slapped noisily against the Dog-o-matic Wonder's windshield. "Thanks," Zell breathed gratefully.
Irvine's face now re-dominated the television screen. "Well, now that we've got that little tragedy out of our way, let's check in on the lollygaggers in our little race. Believe it or not, we've got a heated competition going on right now for seventh place, and here's Rinoa to tell you all about it."
"Irvine, right now both the Sorceress Special and Go, Go, Galbadia are racing hard to avoid that all-too-embarrassing feat of finishing in last place. Now, it looks like the Galbadians are having trouble with their engines! Let's zoom in and see what's going on, shall we?"
Smoke was flooding from the Go, Go, Galbadia's hood, which popped open as Biggs tried to keep driving. Amazingly, the car was still in motion, losing only a bit of speed as it started to fall apart. "Lousy government-built cars!" Biggs lamented, brushing some soot out of his face. "Wedge! See if you can fix that!"
Wedge saluted. "Sir, I don't know if I can work on the car while it is in motion, sir!"
"Damn it," said Biggs, "we don't have time to argue! Get to work!"
Sighing, Wedge brought out a monkey wrench, a pair of protective gloves, and a gas mask to prevent any smoke inhalation. "Sir, by your command, sir!" He placed the mask over his head and gingerly crawled up over the windshield of the Galbadian sedan, diving into the inferno that was the Go, Go, Galbadia's engine.
"You see," Biggs explained to the audience, "basically our ride is the same as a regular Galbadian government-issue car. The main differences are that it's a convertible, obviously, and that it's been souped-up quite a bit to allow a higher maximum speed. According to our government scientists, we can reach speeds of up to seventy miles an hour with this thing! That's unheard of!"
"Sir!" Wedge called from the front of the car, leaping up and closing the hood with his feet. "I believe I have fixed the problem, sir!"
"Wonderful," said Biggs. The car had actually stopped smoking for the moment. Then, as the duo of Galbadian military officers rounded a corner into a more mountainous region of the Dollet countryside, a loud bang erupted from the vehicle's carriage. "Not again!"
"Ha, ha!" Irvine laughed as the scene shifted to the next car in line. "Those wacky Galbadians. Our seventh place car right now is the Sorceress Special, piloted by Cid and Edea Kramer."
"It's the only car in the race that runs completely on magical power," Rinoa added. "It runs off of a combination of para-magic and Edea's own Sorceress powers."
"That's true," Edea added from the driver's seat of the Sorceress Special, "but when we run out of Haste spells, things tend to get a little...slow. I have Cid refining some Magic Stones in the back right now, don't I, Cid?"
"Yes, dearest," Cid answered, grinding the magical stones together. "Unfortunately, my Guardian Force, Beefcake, is having difficulty getting his refinement spell just right."
Edea took her eyes off the road, staring back at her husband with a hint of the evil Sorceress that legends had told of for countless centuries. "You tell him he'd better get it done, and quickly, or I'll rip out his liver and eat it for breakfast-er," she corrected herself, regaining more of her normal, cheery disposition. "I mean, tell him to hurry up, please, or we'll have no chance of winning the race!"
"Of course, dear," Cid affirmed, as if nothing were out of the ordinary.
Irvine took over the narration at this point. "Next up, in sixth place, we have the Insane Asylum, an incredibly odd-looking car invented by the famous Doctor Odine! Let's see what the intrepid driving trio of Odine, Ward, and Ellone is up to right now!"
The Insane Asylum, as one might expect, had a less than consistent design. The front appeared to be similar to a ordinary motor-home, while the back tapered off to a swan tail. The vehicle was topped by by a gunner's turret, although no actual gun seemed to be present, although it did contain several odd-looking control panels, however. Ward was driving the car, while Odine sat in the very-highly-placed passenger's seat. Ellone was puttering around the back of the large vehicle.
"Und vhy are ve not going faster?" Odine demanded of Ward, who was steering cautiously through the mountainous area.
Ward said nothing, because he rarely did. He had changed out of his Estharian tunic and back into his Galbadian clothes, mostly because he felt that Estharian men's clothing resembled dresses.
Odine, however, still preferred his clownlike attire to any more "normal" clothes. He stared icily at the larger man. "Vell? Vhat is goink on?"
Ward still remained silent.
Odine started jumping up and down in his seat. "You over-sized svine! Ve haff vays of making you talk!"
"Um, Dr. Odine," Ellone said, sticking her head into the driver's compartment, "Ward can't talk, remember?"
"Ya," said Odine, forgetting that he had forgotten that fact. "But still, vhy is the engine running so slowly? Ve have perhaps ze best top speed out of all ze cars. Did ve forget to fuel up before ze race?"
"No," said Ellone innocently, "and Ward checked the oil, and Seifer even volunteered to put your magic marshmallows into the fuel tank for us..."
"Vhat-vhat-vhat?!" Odine shouted. "You let zat Seifer put ze marshmallows into our gas tank? Zat means zat vhen the temperature gets hot enough, ze engine vill..." Odine's words came true as the engine exploded, forcing Ward to pull the Insane Asylum over to the side of the road.
"Oh!" Irvine said in mock sympathy. "It looks like we've lost our second racer of the day! Ladies and gentlemen, let's take a break from the action so you can hear from our sponsors, but get ready for more action from SeeD's Wacky Races!
AUTHOR'S NOTES: For those of you who didn't know, this was based off of Hanna-Barbera's "Wacky Races," which involved several of their characters in different auto races. The idea, like so many of my fanfiction stories, just lodged itself in my brain and wouldn't let go. We'll finish up the race next time. If I get enough positive response, I might have a few more races. Hell, I might go ahead and do that even if I don't.