A/N: Written for the Hummel Holidays prompt 'shopping'. For lovejoybliss on tumblr.
"Jesus Christ!" Adam exclaims, ducking as something he's pretty sure is a woman's hand bag whizzes by his head. "I'd heard…(dodge)…I'd heard stories, but this…whoa!" - He sidesteps a store mannequin tackled to the ground by two women fighting over the silk scarf around its neck – "is this what it's always like?"
"No, not always" - Kurt grabs Adam's hand and yanks him out of the way of a fist fight breaking out over a discounted cashmere sweater - "Sometimes it's worse. It's already six a.m. There's usually, at least, three concussions by this time, and a couple of arrests." Almost on cue, security bustles through, dragging out a man with his wrists cuffed behind his back, his lip swelling, his left eye black. Adam's eyes go wide, but Kurt barely looks twice. "Last year, some woman in line for a flat-screen TV took a dump in a Magic Bullet Blender display so she wouldn't lose her place."
"That's horrible! Adam groans in disgust.
"I know, right?" Kurt shrugs. "I mean, it was only 36 inches."
In the middle of this discussion of electronics and bowel movements, Kurt stops walking. He puts a hand to Adam's chest, staring at the center aisle. Adam follows his line of sight. He doesn't know what has caught Kurt's eye exactly. About ninety things are scattered in the center of the aisle. But Adam sees that a dozen or so other customers have spotted it, too.
"Hold that thought," Kurt says. "I'll be right back."
"B-but, Kurt," Adam starts, not sure why he feels suddenly uneasy.
"Stay here and you'll be fine," Kurt says.
"What?"
"If I'm not back in fifteen minutes, we'll rendezvous at Hot Dog on a Stick."
"Kurt, wait…"
But Kurt leaps forward, arm outstretched. Adam can somewhat determine the item of clothing Kurt has zeroed in on. He's already touching the garment when another pair if hands swoops in, ready to grab it.
"I don't think so," Kurt grumbles.
Adam doesn't see what happens too clearly after the other customers form a mob and bear down on Kurt, but Adam becomes frightened for his boyfriend's safety.
"Kurt," he calls out, fighting panic. "Kurt, come on! Is this really necessary?"
A new customer joining the fray hisses at Adam as she passes, and Adam backs away slowly.
There's a disgruntled murmur of disappointment as the shoppers start to give up, grumbling, "It's not worth it," or just a general, "Goddammit!" as one authoritative voice commands the others to - "Back away! Back away! I've got it! I'm not letting go, so you might as well leave!"
The crowd disperses with a few indistinct curses and one, "Fuck you, weirdo." Kurt, surprisingly only slightly disheveled, emerges victorious, with the last Armani wool turtleneck sweater in hand.
"This is it?" Adam asks, astonished as Kurt returns with a barely distinguishable limp. "This is what we came for?"
"Well, yeah," Kurt says, straightening his shirt and readjusting his pants. "But I got it at 82% off! I'm a college student, Adam. I would have lost money not buying it."
"Obviously." Adam chuckles at Kurt's adorably skewed logic.
"I shouldn't have brought you, right?" Kurt asks, looking more nervous at the prospect of losing his boyfriend than he did jumping into a pool of bloodthirsty bargain shoppers. "I've scared you off?"
"Not at all," Adam says, putting an arm around him, shielding him protectively from one man who looks like he might be holding a grudge. "If anything, I think I might actually love you now a little bit more than I did before?"
"Really?" Kurt chuckles, relieved.
"Yup. I'm sticking as close to you as possible" - Adam pulls Kurt close - "When the zombie apocalypse comes, we'll surely be the last two men alive."