Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban – Story in Seconds
It was Harry's third year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He headed off to his first lesson with Professor Trelawney (resident psychopath and Divination teacher), wondering what it would be like.
As the lesson ended, Trelawney swooped over to the table seating Harry, Ronald Weasley (Harry's ginger speckled friend) and Hermione Granger (this century's Know-It-All). Trelawney seized Harry's teacup, looked at the soggy brown tea leaves and screamed "The Grim!" She went on to predict, in tears, that Harry would be dead by next week.
Two weeks passed, yet Harry was still alive. He was overwhelmed with happiness at the fact that Professor Trelawney was a fraud (Or, as Ron put it, "An old bat with outsize specs.") He enjoyed a quick illegal visit to Hogsmeade with his friends - he was going to live! Nothing seemed to dampen his spirits...Apart from the fact that Snape was failing him at potions, Buckbeak was sentenced to death and Crookshanks ate Scabbers.
Trelawney made more dramatic predictions of Harry's death. Harry remained firmly alive, which seemed to annoy her somewhat. Most of the class found this amusing – obviously she needed to go to an asylum for special help - but Hermione became quickly irritated by Professor Trelawney's hysterics and stormed out of the classroom in due course. Harry and Ron had noticed that Hermione had homework from classes she never went to and had an impossible timetable.
Despite laughing at Trelawney's predictions, Harry began to feel slightly depressed. The only good thing was a visit to The Burrow in the holidays (Mrs Weasley was desperate to see Ron after he was attacked by mass-murderer Sirius Black.)
Hermione's behaviour seemed to be getting worse – she bunked off a Charms lesson and punched Draco Malfoy in the face after her stress levels reached boiling point. However, the slimy little ferret-face had it coming to him.
At the end of Harry's crystal ball test, Professor Trelawney had a funny turn. Her eyes started rolling and she said that the Dark Lord's servant would escape at midnight, and the Dark Lord should rise to power again. Harry was disconcerted – was Professor Trelawney making a real prediction?
It all happened that night... Buckbeak was executed. Ron was dragged down the Whomping Willow by a black dog: Sirius Black, the Animagi! Sirius turned out to be Harry's godfather, and not a murderer, and not a Death Eater. Lupin showed up and Hermione accused him of being a werewolf (correctly). Ron's rat Scabbers was in fact revealed to be Wormtail, the man who betrayed Harry's parents to Voldemort! He had slept in Ron's bed...watched him sleep...and undress... is it just me, or does that scream PAEDOPHILE to you? They were just taking him up to the castle to hand over to the Dementors (to be charged with dark magic and child molesting) when the full moon came out! So Lupin transformed into a werewolf and the Dementors attacked. In the following panic and mayhem, Wormtail escaped and Sirius was captured.
Don't worry, Hermione had a Time-turner so they went back in time, saved Buckbeak and freed Sirius.
And so Harry Potter (the Chosen One who doesn't know it yet) learnt never to trust your Professor, beware of rats, "You mustn't be seen," and that Dumbledore knows best. Unbeknownst to Harry, Peter Pettigrew (Wormtail) was searching Albania looking for his fallen Master, which involved a rather nasty incident with that poor Ministry witch Bertha Jenkins. And Lord Voldemort did rise once again, just as Professor Trelawney predicted (he had a certain liking for meetings at the Malfoy Manor, the ferret nest which spawned that Draco boy.)
Only Harry whooped his ass.