"Neji! What the heck is going on in there?" I hear Lee screaming from the other side of the door as I watch blood drip from my face into the sink.
I try to steady my voice so he won't know what's wrong, or that I've been crying and I say "Nothing, I just feel a little sick."
"Are you sure nothing is wrong?" The skepticism is clear in his voice; I've done a miserable job at sounding even remotely okay, and Lee is smarter than you'll ever hear me give him credit for.
I try again to make my voice even and this time I manage a slightly more realistic tone when I say "I'm sure. I just need a few minutes." And I pray to the Kami he's buying it.
Ten minutes ago, I was laying in my bed in the attached hotel room, reading a book and passively responding to Lee's chattering from across the room. I was vaguely daydreaming of my future: how I will progress as a ninja and how my relationships will develop. Then, I read the word "Juinjutsu" and the illusion of my own control over my life instantly evaporated. I am forever bound by this "x" on my forehead to surrender my free will entirely to the head family of my clan. I gave a brief thought to Naruto, remembering how valiantly he fought against his destiny, embodied in me, and thinking of his victory encouraged me. On a normal day, that's all it takes to make me feel just as determined to find a way to remove or at least mitigate the cursed seal. Today, however, isn't a normal day, because my mind was stuck on the fact that my destiny is decided by my uncle, that nothing I can ever do will change that his family owns me, and the first born of each generation will own any children I might have, that not even if I have children or who I have them with is up to me, that when it all comes down to it, nothing can rid me of this curse which binds me to the will of my extended family until all life leaves my body.
So, my thoughts firmly implanted in the realm of helplessness, I excused myself to use the bathroom. I stared in the mirror for a moment and tried to calm myself before I did something I would regret. But my own image, even with the curse mark hidden away under my headband, only forced me to look at the person saddled with this miserable, inescapable destiny. I ripped my headband off and stared at the mark that claims my life. It's such a pretty mark to represent something so hideous; Pale, almost glowing blue lines, shaped into a perfectly centered x, with a hook on each side reaching out for it. Staring at myself, I could no longer resist the temptation. I snatched Tenten's razor off the side of the tub and forced my chakra through the pink plastic to burst the strings that hold the blades in place. Then I carefully removed the shining bit of metal from the broken plastic all the while telling myself that I'm not the kind of person who self-injures. I'm too collected, too smart, too strong, too fast, too skeptical, too useful, too knowledgeable, too experienced, maybe even just too pretty to feel the desire to draw sharp objects across my own skin. Nothing worked and I pulled the metal across the center of my forehead, making a perfect horizontal cut, bisecting the angles of the "x". Blood pooled in scattered dots over the line and began to pour down to my nose. I put the blade to my head again and turned the x into an asterisk. Again I tried reminding myself that I'm not supposed to act like this, but to no avail. I couldn't stop myself from slashing away, line after line, covering the x, the hooks, everything blue until my face became a canvas of blood, thinned in certain streaks by the tears now overflowing my soulless looking eyes.
And the Kami apparently haven't answered my prayers, because Lee won't buy the excuse that I'm sick and now he yells at me "Neji, Let me in! I know you are not okay!" I brace myself against the door, and let my headband clatter to the floor.
"No, Lee! Goddamn it! Can't- can't I- have some privacy to be sick in?" I try to sound angry, but I couldn't hold back a sob in the middle, and now he knows.
"I am coming in, like it or not!" And I move quickly so that only the door comes crashing down to the now bloodstained tiles when he kicks it off of its hinges. Lee looks at me, and I stutter something out; that this was somehow, an accident, but there's no way he heard me anyway. I've seen Lee make a lot of expressions. He's expressive enough to cry in joy, sadness, pain, and terror. I've watched him coldly as he lay broken; sobbing on the ground because I had beaten him with so little effort, and I heard him cry out his version of the prognosis Tsunade gave him after his fight with Gaara. But of all the expressions I've ever seen on his face, this one is the most understated and solemn and somehow the absolute most brokenhearted that I've ever seen.
"Neji... I..." He stops, unable to work up the power of speech. "Neji..." Lee tries and falters again.
"What, Lee?" I keep the words understandable before I lose it all and start sobbing at the ground and staining everything near me with bloody tears. Lee walks on the broken door, crossing the tiny room and sits beside me in the floor.
"Neji, it is going to be okay." And he touches my cheek gently, then pulls my face up so I'm looking into his incredibly intense eyes. "I will make you feel better, I promise it." And he uses the hand not holding my face to make a "nice guy pose". This renders me totally speechless. Lee has always used this pose in a very light, almost comical way (although very intense and earnest), but this time, he's being completely sensitive, and this kindness touches me on a deeper level than I knew I possessed until right now.
"Thank you" I manage and I bury my face in the shoulder of that skintight green jumpsuit I'm always ridiculing and pour my soul out in between sobbing and choking on my words. I tell Lee how I feel owned. I tell him how my destiny seems especially binding even in light of the others I've seen overcome. I tell him how much I hate to look at myself because I hate the reminder of what my headband is covering. I tell him how my whole life is beyond my control. I tell him how my clan ruins every dream I have. I tell him how helpless I feel. I tell him how much it hurts to know I'm just a puppet for the protection of my uncle and his family. I tell him how desperately I wish I could control destiny. I tell him how hard I try not to think about any of this. I tell him how I tried to convince myself I was too good to cut myself. I tell him why I've just sliced my forehead to shreds and how I hoped to do poetic justice to the little blue mark that made such a horrific impact on my life. In short, I tell him everything I'm feeling. He softly rubs my back as I do, and occasionally gives an encouraging nod, but doesn't speak a word until I prompt him to.
This takes the form of me choking out a very childish "Why me?"
"Because, Neji, you're strong enough to handle it"
"What?" This answer has me completely taken aback.
He shrugs. "If any of the rest of us were you, I am sure we would be dead already. Frankly, I am surprised this is all you had to do to calm yourself down. If it were me, I would have committed suicide here."
"Lee, I- I don't know what to say."
"You do not need to. I know what you mean" Lee kneels in front of me, so we're face to face, on the same level and he wraps his bandaged arms around me. I allow myself to melt, and slide my arms around him too, fitting as a perfect puzzle under his. He's being so kind to me. Listening to me cry like a child without the slightest hint of judgment, looking at me like I'm still strong and this happens to everybody.
My mind pulls at me, forcing me to re-live Lee, crumpled on the ground, looking up at me, "I will train harder. I will beat you next time" he whispers through tears. And I hear myself laugh at his misery "You're a failure. You'll always be a failure. And quit your crying. Crying doesn't change anything." In harmony, the Lee of my memories and I produce a fresh torrent of tears, Lee from hopelessness, and me from utterly unbearable guilt. There are eight thousand times just like that, Lee hurting, reaching out for a little acknowledgment, and me, ridiculing him, laughing coldly, forcing him further and further into his personal hell. I hate myself for these moments, and I hate my mind for forcing me to go over them again and again.
"Lee, I'm sorry." My voice is muffled by his chest and the fabric of his jumpsuit.
"What in the world for?" Lee asks, genuinely confused. I feel a small smile pull at my lips because Lee lives so much in the moment that he has no idea what I'm talking about.
"For saying such horrible things to you. For telling you you'd always be a failure. For laughing at you when you cried from it all. For being so cruel. You're not a failure. You're a genius of effort and more than a respectable ninja. I should've never told you otherwise."
"You really mean that, Neji?" He looks at me like I've given him the world on a silver platter.
"I do, Lee. I'm so sorry."
"THANK YOU!" And he starts crying tears of joy, and I'm grateful for the natural expression on his face. I try to explain to him that I was mean to him because of how badly I felt, that I was mean to everyone because I didn't know how to be nice, and I wholeheartedly believed that I was worthless, so anyone I could beat in a fight was clearly less than worthless, but Lee doesn't care for the explanation at all. He's just happy that I've started being nice to him now, and ecstatic that I called him a respectable ninja. I'm forgiven without Lee even requiring an explanation, less yet something to make up for what I've done.
Even more grateful tears spill over my eyelids, and I squeeze Lee tighter against myself. He absently runs his fingers through my hair, pulling out the band at the end.
"You know, Neji, you look nicer when you have your hair down." He plays with a lock, wrapping it around his finger, and I blush a little, unsure of what to say.
I go with "Thank you, Lee, not just for the compliment, but for all of this. Thank you for listening," pulling away enough to look back into his eyes.
"It is not a problem! I care deeply for you; I could not stand to let you hurt without at least trying to comfort you."
"I... care for you too, Lee." I readjust so my nose touches his and he slides his hands back into my hair, combing the back with his fingers. I smile, and wipe the blood and tears from my face with the bandages on my right arm. "I'm lucky to have someone like you to care for me."
"I am lucky too" Lee says, and only now do I realize that we're so close that I can feel his breath on my lips as he speaks. I'm surprised that the feeling is tinted with desire, and, now accustomed to giving up my collection and self-control, without realizing what I'm doing or why, I push my lips against his and linger there. I keep my eyes open long enough to see his widen in surprise as I close my own. Even after pulling away, it takes me a second to realize what I've just done.
"Oh... Lee, I'm... sorry" I stutter, eyes snapping closed again, hoping that maybe, if I just don't see the reaction, it won't occur. Lee seems to know that talking isn't necessary here, so without a word, his lips are back against mine, and they're parting them in a kiss remarkably more intense than the one I instigated a moment ago. I react with enthusiasm and despite the fact that this is my first real kiss, I seem to know exactly what I'm doing. A minute of kissing, and I want it more intense. I break away in a fit of giggles, collapsing over myself, yet again in tears, but this time, because I find it so funny.
"Did I..." Lee looks mortified, his face red as blood "Mess something up?"
"No, no, not at all!" I reassure him quickly "I enjoyed it so much, I never wanted it to end!" He looks confused (and I don't blame him since I was the one to end the kiss by laughing out of it), so I giggle some more. "I just, I wanted it to get more intense, and I never thought I'd be telling Rock Lee to be more intense" Now he's laughing with me and we hug, clinging tight to each other, enjoying life with one of our important people. After a few moments of contented holding each other, I stand up and hold out a hand to help him up, like I'm asking him to dance... And what we're about to do is dancing, in a manner of speaking, right?
He takes my hand, accepting the invitation, and I lead him to the bed I'm supposed to be sleeping in, throwing a glance over to Tenten to ensure that she's still fast asleep. Gently, I push him onto the bed, and now that the stage is set, the first step I take is to kiss him again. This time, confidently, passionately, and yes, intensely. He reacts to me not unlike how he did while I was spilling my soul to him, knowing just when and how to answer. In this dance, my clothes are first to be thrown in a crumpled pile beside the bed, then Lee loses his, and I'm filled with an all-consuming lust for the beautiful person splayed out beneath me. The shape of his face, the curve of his neck, all the scars upon scars from his rigorous training, the way his face is over-expressing something already so intense; it's all just so wonderful to me that I can't believe I've missed Lee's undeniable beauty up to this point. And I have to let him know that he's unbearably gorgeous to me. Otherwise he'll never know just how wonderful he is, in absolutely every way. So, I break off the kiss we're entangled in and am surprised to hear "Lee, you are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen" come out of my mouth as a moan, dripping with desire. His eyes are filled with joyful tears once again, and once they start to flow down his cheeks, I kiss every last teardrop away. Lee watches me adoringly as the salt on my lips tempts me to taste it, and I allow myself to fall to that temptation, then return my lips to his, so he can see how amazing it is for himself.
This time, the lust of the kiss is so consuming, neither of us can bear it quietly, and we definitely can't bear to leave it at just a kiss, so, in tandem, our hands move to touch nearly every bit of hot skin we can find with them, desperately grabbing each other for more sensation. The soft sound of his excited moaning and the scent of arousal that permeates the air push me further out of control, and I eagerly throw my power away in exchange for more of this beautiful dance. Despite the abandonment of my self-control, I can't seem to figure out how to move this on to the next level without risk of embarrassing the hell out of myself, but I absolutely can't stand to let it stay this way, so with more nerve than it took to deliberately allow myself to be impaled through the stomach with an arrow, I move my hands to the most sensitive part of Lee's anatomy. Encouraged by his gasp of pleasure, I make our dance more upbeat, and soon he follows suit, his hands drifting down between my legs, gently caressing me, although I know he's fighting temptation to move as quickly as he can. I hear myself cry out in pleasure, so consumed in this moment that I can't really say I made the noise myself, and our unintentional noises swirl into a song of blissful moaning that matches the motions.
Lee's moving faster, more frantically, and I take my cue to do the same, squeezing my hand gently and drawing another grateful cry from his mouth, then I force my own mouth roughly to cut off the sound, and swear I can taste his arousal there. Even while kissing I keep my eyes locked on Lee's, except for the few times I glance away to take in more of the scene. Then, I remember my blessed eyes have uses outside of fighting. I use my Byakugan to watch every inch of my gorgeous dance partner all at once, and watching him experiencing such fierce pleasure exponentially increases my own, so by the time we get to the next step, there's too much delicious arousal for anyone to be concerned with nerves. I break off our kiss, and move over him to nestle myself between his legs. I manage to control myself enough to move gently, so I don't hurt Lee, but because he frantically moves himself to meet me, I'm required to put more effort into his protection. I hold him by his hips so he can't move and hurt himself as I force myself to regain control enough to be gentle as I move so close I'm inside him. The intensification is like nothing I've ever felt before, tearing screams of pleasure from us both, every movement heightening the sensation. Again, I give up control, only being able to warrant having it for something as important as avoiding his pain. Lee, (as one might expect) is anything but passively receptive; he wriggles and rocks himself to work with me in the creation of this joyful dance. While we're here, I manage to force out "I... Love... You!" between the sounds I can't help but make. Lee moves himself in a way that, begs me to increase the pace to match his, and I oblige. I move my hips more quickly, still watching all of him with Byakugan. My eyes let me see his face, contorted in the pleasure we're sharing, his body, writhing under my own, and even the spasming of muscles around me that most people can only ever feel. I am forced dangerously close to the edge. The same motions feel different each time we repeat them until the intensity builds enough to finally push us into a simultaneous orgasm, and we both scream something that might have been the other's name if we could form coherent words through the indescribable bliss.
We lay intertwined, contentedly holding onto each other, and Lee answers what I just choked out during sex. "I love you too, Neji". I push my face into his neck and close my eyes, enjoying our bodies pressed against each other, and the feel Lee's wonderfully scarred and broken skin against mine. This contentment, perhaps magically manages to be better than the over the top sensation that was sex, obviously a much calmer sort of wonderful.
"That was amazing," I sigh contentedly.
"It was for me too!" While I'm still lying here, totally exhausted, Lee has already worked his way back up to the beautiful excitement that makes me love him so very much.
"I will always love you, protect you, and make your life wonderful. I promise it." And, for the only time in my life, I make a promise with a "Nice guy pose". Nothing can keep me from fulfilling that. Not even destiny.