Things Gaila Is Not Allowed to Do on ANY Assignment

by Quinn Mallory

This is one of those "rules we've had to come up with" humor pieces. Note that I don't think she'd actually be stupid enough to do MOST of these things.

1. Identify the spacecraft over subspace radio as the "USS Intercourse".

2. Even if that's what she's doing at the time.

3. Use the comm panels to ask for sex partners at random.

4. Use the comm panels to invite crew members to an orgy.

5. Especially if the invitation is issued while she's in the middle of said orgy.

6. ESPECIALLY if she is making statements such as "go to warp right now, baby" or "oh, yeah, shoot that thing".

7. Use the comm panels to describe or explain anything which involves sex.

8. Unless an interstellar organism is trying to mate with the ship. Then she can call the captain and warn him, and she probably should.

9. None of the following qualify as interstellar organisms: other Federation spacecraft, other artificial spacecraft, and Horta.

10. The following items are not sex toys and should not be used as sex toys: tricorders, tricorder sensor units, medical tricorders, sonic drivers, phasers (at least she had the sense to take the power pack out!), parts of alien plants, alien animals (regardless of what the Betelguesan shaftworm does to the inside of your, uh, body), pieces of alien technology, and dilithium crystals (no, she hasn't actually done this, but it seems to be only a matter of time at this rate).

11. Initiate first contact by exposing herself...no matter how effective it is.

12. Claim that she has detected alien parasites in the, genitalia, of male crew, or anyone for that matter, and that she needs to examine said organs.

13. Sing English translations of Orion songs. I do not want those images in my mind.

14. Use her pheromones.

15. Use her pheromones. This bears repeating.

16. "Forgetting" her suppressant is not an excuse.

17. Allow any male crew member on the ship not to sleep with her.

18. NO PHEROMONES! ESPECIALLY if she uses it to make others put things on this list!

19. The point of distracting an enemy with one's sex appeal is to allow yourself or someone else to incapacitate the enemy while he/she is distracted. It is not to have sex with the enemy.

20. Wear a shirt that says "Total Slut and Proud of It" to an informal meeting with Neotranscendentalists.

21. Deliberately induce a pon farr in a Vulcan. EVER.

22. Perform sex acts on someone while that individual is flying a shuttlecraft.

23. Or flying any vehicle.

24. Or performing maintenance on the warp core, or power source, of any vehicle!

25. Perform sex acts on someone while SHE is operating any vehicle.

26. Inform alien diplomats that she is the ship's "Sex Goddess", that all Federation vessels have these, and that protocol is to have sex with her upon entering the ship. Even if it's very effective at getting certain species to join the Federation.

27. Ask the Guardian of Forever whether it can have sex. The thing refused to display anything except what was essentially pornography for the next two weeks.

28. Arrange for the first scientific data request made to aliens to be their mean and standard deviation in penis (or equivalent organ) sizes.

29. Send a connoisseur's guide to the flavors of various kinds of semen, complete with star ratings, to the Vulcan Science Academy labeled "Urgent Scientific Data".

30. Or to a civilian news agency, along with the claim that Starfleet has spent 20 billion credits developing it.

31. If I could ban that CHEWING guide I would.

32. Set the transporters to remove the clothes from anyone.

33. Set the transporters to change the positions of the clothes on anyone.

34. Set the transporters to change the transparency of the clothes on anyone.

35. Do anything to the transporters.

36. Inform security guards that the green of her skin will come off if licked sufficiently forcefully and thoroughly.

37. Perform sex acts on anyone during an away mission. Especially if the away team is being attacked at the time.

38. Give a glass containing a mixture of wine and the...results of her sexual gratification...to anyone and claim it's an Orion delicacy.

39. Even if it apparently sometimes is.

40. Tell a superior officer that she would like to "Klingon" him. Security does not appreciate false alarms.

41. Be under the mistaken impression that James Kirk will enforce any of these rules on her.

42. Thoroughly describe exactly why James Kirk is the only human she's met who truly understands her, and exactly how he frequently demonstrates or demonstrated this, to anyone, while that person is on duty.