Letting go

Summary: Futurefic. Alex finally joins his soul mate Claire. But several people need some time to come to terms with that. Warning: Major character death.

Disclaimer: I don't own McLeod's Daughters, nothing of it, not even a little bit of it, not even a tiny bit, nothing, absolutely nothing. Poor me.

Author's note: There are a few things I'd like to apologize for before hand, just to be safe. My first language is not English, so I hope to be forgiven for any mistakes that might have been made. Also I know nothing about farming, horses etcetera so I'm sorry for any mistakes made in that area.

I gave my imagination free reign on this one, so I know there are a few farfetched things in there, but that's what makes it interesting right? It's a futurefic and is set about 17 years after Claire's death.

----Chapter 1: Nick------

Nick stared at the papers on his desk, he read the first line on it for the tenth time that evening. He really wanted to get some last minute work done, but he couldn't concentrate. His mind kept flashing back to Alex, to the way life had unfolded over the past years and most of all that one afternoon that would change everything.

---Flashback---

They had been standing around the fence at Drovers, looking at this new horse that Tess wanted Alex to train. Nick didn't get it, the horse was fierce, wild and uncontrollable, they might as well shoot it now and save Alex a load of trouble for nothing. But Tess, for some reason wanted this horse, and this horse only, and Nick never was good at refusing Tess anything. And he had gotten worse at it after they had gotten married, and worse of all, he couldn't refuse their children anything either.

Alex and Nick had been laughing and joking about something, he didn't remember about what. The horse meanwhile galloped, rearing and bucking, in circles. Four year old Jake appeared running from behind the house. He stopped a little bit away from the fence and smiled.

"Hey sport, what's up?" Alex asked smiling back.

"Mommy and Auntie Tess and Charlotte want to give me that yucky drink again." Jake said and he stuck out his tongue just to prove how bad it actually tasted.

Alex laughed, that laugh that Nick loved to hear, that laugh Alex reserved exclusively for his children.

"You now Jakey – boy that drink is to make you better from that pain in your ear that you had." Alex explained patiently as he walked over to Jake and crouched to his level. They could hear Tess, Stevie and Charlotte shouting Jake's name.

"I got to hand it to him, he's pretty good if it takes three people to give him his medicine." Nick laughed.

Alex laughed too "Now Jake, go to your mommy and take your medicine like a big boy."

Sometimes when Alex said something like that, mommy, or my wife, a picture of Claire flashed in front of Nick's eyes. It had taken him...everyone some time to adjust to Stevie and Alex, but now, three children later, nobody would want it any other way.

The three women rounded the corner as one, looking as menacing as three women on mission could look.

"Time for your medicine Jake." Charlotte said sweetly holding up the bottle, but the look she was giving Alex said: be ready to tackle him.

Charlotte was another thing that surprised them all, BOM had never been far from all their lives, but when she was 12, now already 5 years ago, she had run away from Peter and begged and pleaded to let her live with them on Drovers. And even more surprising, a year later everything had been set and Peter had signed custody over to Tess, just like that. And over the following years she had spent more and more time with Alex and Stevie until at some point they decided she might as well go live with them at Killarney. That hurt Tess, that she would rather go live with them than with her aunt. Charlotte explained that she loved Tess very much, and that she was sure Tess loved her very much too, but that there was no one on the world who had had, and still had, such a connection with Claire as Alex did. And that she would never be closer to her mother as with Alex. Tess had understood that, but refused to see her BOM working at Killarney's and made her promise to keep on working at Drovers, there was nothing Charlotte had wanted more.

As Nick was musing Alex had stood up and was now unsuccessfully nudging Jake to the three women standing there. All of a sudden everything happened so fast Nick barely even had time to react.

"Jake!" Jake had turned and shot past his father, and with practised speed crawled under the fence into the paddock. Alex was right behind him, almost as if he had known it was going to happen. Just as Jake realized there was a horse in the paddock too, Alex jumped the fence, Nick right behind him. The horse reared in front of the boy who just stood there and stared, Alex grabbed him, turned around and literally threw Jake into Nick's arms as the horses hoofs came thundering down on him.

Nick felt himself being thrown back into the fence from the impact of the little boy's weight onto his chest, but he grabbed hold of him and hugged the boy to him tightly as the horse reared again and Alex let out a scream of pain. Behind him he could hear Tess gasp in shock. Stevie was yelling: "Alex!" over and over again. He could hear the sound of glass breaking as the bottle of medicine slipped from Charlotte's grasp. And the entire time Nick couldn't move.

It wasn't until the three women came clambering over the fence to get the horse away from Alex that he could move again. He quickly set down Jake on the other side of the fence

"Go inside to your sisters and cousins and tell Jodi to call an ambulance." Nick instructed, hoping the four year old could handle such a task. He watched for a moment as the distraught four year old set of on a run towards the house.

Then he turned his attention to Alex. Nick crouched down next to Alex and his first instincts where that the ambulance would come too late, his second instincts where to deny his first instincts.

"Alex! Alex can you hear me?" The only response he got was a soft moan.

Nick didn't give up that easily. "Alex, wake up, you've got to stay with me bro." A strange feeling coursed through Nick as he said that little word, bro, and he realized that he couldn't lose his brother, not now that they where all finally so happy.

Stevie, Charlotte and Tess crowded around him.

"How is he?" Tess asked quietly.

Nick shook his head. "Not good, not good at all."

"Nick?" It was soft, more of a moan then anything.

Nick thought once more that the ambulance was not going to be there on time, so he took a risk and carefully turned his brother onto his back. Alex groaned in pain again and Nick cradled his head in his lap and spoke softly.

"I'm here Alex."

Alex opened his eyes and looked at him. "Jake, is he..."

"He's fine, don't worry." Nick interrupted him.

Alex coughed while his eyes searched the people around him. "Steeves?"

Stevie cried as she grabbed his hand and said: "I'm here baby, I'm here."

"We're all here Alex, don't worry, everything is going to be alright." Charlotte cried.

"Oh my god!" Jodi had come running out from the house and stared in shock at the sight before her a moment. Then she regained her composure.

"The ambulance is on it's way." Then she quickly turned around and ran back into the house, tears streaming down her face.

"You hear that Alex, the ambulance is coming, just hold on." Nick said as calmly as he could. Alex groaned again and closed his eyes. Every breath he took seemed to take all his efforts.

"Come on, hold on baby." Stevie cried. She had an arm wrapped around Charlotte who was sobbing uncontrollable now. Nick drew all his strength from the arm Tess had put around his shoulder.

"Just hold on Alex." Nick's voice faltered as he saw how difficult and painful breathing had gotten for Alex.

Suddenly Tess leaned down and while crying whispered into Alex's ear: "We all love you very much Alex, go on... go."

And Alex drew one last breath, and Nick knew, he was gone...

---End flashback---

"Come on, get that butt of yours into gear Nick, the works not going to do itself!" Nick was roughly shaken from his thoughts and almost fell out of his chair.

"Alex?"

"Well I'm not Santa Claus that's for sure." Nick rubbed his eyes a moment as he looked at Alex standing in the doorway.

"But your dead."

Alex walked in and sat on the desk. "picky, picky, always on the details huh Nick?"

"Your dead." Nick repeated himself.

Alex sighed. "This is going to be harder than I thought, yes Nick I'm dead."

Nick shook his head wondering if maybe he was dreaming, or worse going mad. "But how?"

"I was hoping you could tell me that."

"The horse, it...it trampled you..."Nick stuttered.

Alex sighed again. "I know how I died Nick, I'd like to know why I'm here in your study."

"I don't know, how should I know, I'm probably going mad or something!" Nick shouted as he stood up and started to back away.

"Calm down Nick you're not going mad, you just have to let me go." Alex answered calmly.

Suddenly Nick sank back down in the chair, he looked sad, tired, dejected. "I can't."

"Can't what?" Tess asked as she walked into the study. Nick looked up, Alex was gone.

"I can't bury my brother." And for the first time since the accident Nick cried. And Tess held him, as long as he needed her to.

Nick sat on the bed in his pyjamas that morning. Tess had been great, she had laid his suit out for him, told him to take all the time he needed and had taken the kids downstairs. Nick just stared out of the window.

"Staring out the window is not going to get me buried you know."

"You make it sound like it's all one big joke!" Nick said angrily and he glared at Alex.

"Hey mate I'm sorry, it's not a joke, but you're making too big of a deal out of it." Alex answered softly.

"Too big a deal, my big brother just died, I have to bury you today, how is that not a big deal?" The anger had seeped from Nick's voice somewhere along the sentence and at the end he just sounded sad.

"Because I won't really be gone, and because you have Tess, and your children to help you through this, and most of all because you have to do this." Alex sat down next to Nick.

But Nick stood up from the bed away from Alex. "No, I don't have to do anything."

Alex looked at Nick intently and then said: "I love you too Nick, but you have to let me go."

A single tear slid down Nick's face. "Why? Why should I let you go?"

"Because I'm okay Nick, I'm happy, I can be with Claire now, you know even though I had Stevie, I still missed Claire, you know that."

Nick shook his head. "You could've stayed here with Stevie, you where happy together."

"Yes, we where very happy together and I love Stevie, but it was just my time Nick, not you, not her, not anybody could change that." Alex explained carefully.

"It's hard Alex, it's so hard." Nick stared at Alex, almost willing him to be real, to be alive again, even though he knew it wouldn't work.

Alex looked at the door. "Put the suit on Nick, Tess is coming to check on ya."

The door opened and Alex was gone again.

Tess stood in the door opening and looked at Nick. "You okay sweetheart?"

"I'm not sure." Nick looked at her confused.

Tess gave him a sympathetic look. "You know I went trough the same thing when Claire died."

Nick just nodded and started to get dressed. Tess looked at him for a moment but realized he wasn't ready yet.

"Don't be too long baby, people will be arriving soon." Then she left.

"So about my Elegy."

"Why don't you just leave me alone?" Nick glared at Alex.

"I'd like to mate, but you're keeping me here." A silence fell as Nick continued to get dressed pretending Alex wasn't there.

So Alex started talking again: "Right, so I don't want any of that sad, moody stuff, you know have a beer, have a laugh, at my expense if you want, I'm dead anyways."

"Alex!" Nick whipped around only to find Alex was gone again. Slowly he sank down on the bed and putting his head in his hands he sighed.

"Why? Why you, why me?"

When Nick finally came downstairs Tess was waiting in the door opening, the kids already gone.

"Hey baby, you ready?" Tess asked as she slipped an arm around him.

Nick sighed. "I'll never be ready for this, but I don't really have a choice do I?"

Tess hugged him. "No you don't have a choice, but it will all be alright, I promise." Then she kissed him on the cheek and started to guide him outside. Nick could see al the people standing outside, dressed in black. All their friends, Dave, Jodi, Kate, all the children, Stevie, Charlotte. And suddenly all the times with Alex flashed before his eyes. Times when they where young, Alex with Claire, Alex with BOM, Alex at Claire's funeral, Alex and Stevie, Alex with his first child, Alex at Harry's funeral, him and Alex drinking a beer, Alex dying in his arms. Suddenly Nick turned around.

"Where are you going?" Tess asked, afraid that he might have changed his mind.

"Don't worry, I just remembered I forgot something, I'll be right back." And with that he walked into the kitchen leaving Tess baffled.

Nick walked forward slowly, stepping next to the coffin. He stared at it for a moment before turning around to face the crowd. He studied the faces for a moment and noticed something in the background. There in the background leaning against a tree stood Alex, smiling at him. Nick felt a weight in his coat pocket and it gave him strength. He took a deep breath and started his elegy.

"Alex was a remarkable man, kind, gentle, loyal and so much more. I could tell you many story's of him, his strength and how he managed to give others strength when they needed it. Story's of how he loved his wife Stevie so very much." He chanced a look at Stevie, she smiled at him through her tears.

"I could tell you about the great times I had with him, or how he loved his work. I could tell you about his unconditional love for his children, how he took every chance to tell people about them..." Nick glanced sideways at the coffin, and then at Alex in the back who was still looking at him smiling.

"...But I won't , because I know what Alex would have said. He would tell me I was being an emotional knob. He wouldn't want any sadness, he'd want me to take the opportunity of so many people together to have a party." Nick smiled to himself and several people sniggered.

"He'd say have a beer, have a laugh... And so we will, later." Nick turned to the coffin, he could feel the tears stinging in his eyes.

"Right now, I just want to tell you Alex that I'll miss you very much, and that we'll never forget you. And most of all, that I love you brother." He couldn't stop the tears from falling.

"I hope you're happy and with Claire...where you belong." He pulled the weight out of his pocket, a can of beer. He placed it on the coffin.

"You have a cold one with Claire for us mate." He let his hand linger on the coffin then he stood up and looked at Alex. Alex nodded his approval. A figure appeared beside him and Nick realized it was Claire, she smiled and waved at him. Then Alex put his arm around her, lifted his hat in one last goodbye to Nick and turned around an disappeared.

"Goodbye Alex."

----End of chapter------

Review please, tell me what you think. In Chapter 2 Alex will be saying goodbye to little Jake.