I was a bit nervous for a few days that I wasn't going to be able to finish this in time for Christmas Eve, but I managed to do it! This idea came about when the author Aki1 mentioned that it would be cool if a bunch of people wrote Code Geass fanfics for the holidays and all put them up around Christmas Eve. It sounded like a great idea to me, and the early stages of this idea was born. Then about a week or two later, Coldplay released their new song: Christmas Lights. I was immediately inspired by it, and the idea evolved into what it is now.
The above being said, this is not a songfic. There are suggestions to certain lines, but by no means does the fic follow the song. The excerpts at the beginning and end are from the song, but those are there for pretty self-explanatory reasons: they were part of the inspiration, and to set the tone and such.
Not too many warnings here, just a bit of mild language, and mentions of some dark things. In fact, a good portion of the fic isn't too happy as a fair warning, but I promise, it'll get better. There's a brief reference to R2 Picture Drama 25.01 (The final one), but it's so quick that it won't affect your understanding of anything if you haven't seen it. There's also small reference/quote/shoutout to "It's a Wonderful Life". If you've seen the movie, it shouldn't be too hard to spot. ^_^ Also, the Suzalulu here is pretty much only implied, so "love" can refer to the kind of love between friends if you so desire it.
As usual, I don't own Code Geass, the characters,"It's a Wonderful Life", or "Christmas Lights".
Enjoy the fic and Happy Holidays everyone!
:Candles On Air:
Christmas night
Another fight
Tears we cried, a flood
Got all kinds of poison in
Of poison in my blood
I took my feet to Oxford Street
Trying to right a wrong
Just walk away, those windows say
But I can't believe she's gone
When you're still waiting for the snow to fall
Doesn't really feel like Christmas at all
Up above candles on air flicker
Oh they flicker and they float
But I'm up here holding on
To all those chandeliers of hope
"…Can you hear me, Lelouch?"
Only angels were watching over him tonight. Those stained glass angels, and those figures alone, looked over him as he stood near the altar, as had become tradition. Nunnally had stopped asking; she just arranged the solitude for him each year. Zero for the first half of the day, stupidity for the second, and then the evening at the church. He had already forgotten, in one way or another, what Christmas Eve was supposedto look like. There were now only vague illusions of family and friends, cinnamon candles, feasting, and good cheer, all of which were half projected into his mind by babbling TVs, and more painfully, memories of the two he had experienced first hand, even though those had now turned dull through five years of constant suppression.
Once as a child, once as a teenager, and both times with him. As much as he pushed it down, he'd never forget either, nor did he ever want to.
And yet at the same time, it was because of him, that he spent these days alone.
In every other church around, Suzaku realized, there would be hymns ringing out from within the walls with multitudes of glorious voices carrying the notes up into the star-filled sky. And afterwards, dinners would be held, lovers would hold each other close, and children would dash about, there would hardly be a happier day in the year. But he could no longer stand it. His eyes slid shut and for the fifth Christmas Eve, he tried to imagine that he wasn't really alone.
It never really worked.
There was a time when it wasn't like this, when the weight of the world wasn't on his shoulders, when December 24th was joyous, when he wasn't drowning in sorrow, and when he really wasn't alone. But that seemed like another lifetime.
"You aren't Christian." A clear, familiar voice echoed through the chapel in a habitual and striking monotony. He hadn't heard it in a few years, but not to his surprise, it hadn't changed at all.
"…C.C." He said so quietly that it was nearly a whisper. She had come here with him on the first Christmas they had spent without him, (They didn't speak the entire time) only to disappear the next day, without a note, without an explanation. She simply picked up the few belongings she had, and left. No one had heard a word from her since.
She walked towards him with confident steps, like she hadn't been gone a day. "What? I'm merely curious. You spend each Christmas Eve here, don't you? In Tokyo, in this church."
"May I ask how you know that?"
She smirked. "I've heard."
It unsettled him, but knowing C.C., Suzaku decided to give up pursuing that question any further. "… Yes, you're right, I'm not Christian. It just feels… right, to be here." He answered, angling himself away from her as she came to a stop behind him.
C.C. laughed flatly. "You're starting to sound like me."
Suzaku knew she was referring to the time she spent in the room they stood now, and in the chapel at the imperial palace during their brief monarchial reign. No one asked why, since it made perfect sense, but the only comment she ever made on the matter was not too different than what he had just said. Though it was certainly worded with far more elegance than his own statement.
Her smirked vanished and she stared up at the tall stained glass windows above the altar as if they'd tell her something that she wanted know. "I told you once that we were alike in that we both wished for death. It looks like we're more alike now, aren't we? We are both 'alone.'"
Hearing it stated so directly would have hurt a few years ago, but no longer. "…Yes, I suppose we are."
She tilted her head and turned to look him in the eyes. For obvious reasons, they were far too hard and wise for such a young man. "You're not faring well, are you?"
"…" Suzaku didn't answer, but C.C. pressed further.
"Outbursts, depression…"
"Stop." He whispered hoarsely.
"Suicidal thoughts or inclinations, which you of course can't follow through with,"
"Stop it. Now." He growled.
"So you stick to drowning your wretched sorrows in alcohol…"
"I said, STOP!" He burst out, meeting her gaze and resisting every impulse he had to grab her by the collar. "For goodness sake, STOP!"
C.C. fell silent, and Suzaku instantly regretted shouting. It didn't feel right in such a beautiful place, like he had violated its purity, its tranquility. With a gloved hand, he covered his mouth thoughtfully and bit his lip.
"Perhaps it sounds harsh, but I only speak the truth…" C.C. said quietly. Suzaku grimaced, knowing that it was the truth. "But what about Nunnally?" Suzaku kept his head down. He figured that he didn't need to tell C.C. about her. He managed to hide the majority of his less-than-admirable tendencies from the young ruler, but she had doubtlessly picked up on something, and a severe exchange of words between them earlier that night had only confirmed his suspicions. He swallowed his guilt from that. He didn't enjoy hiding it from her, but figured it would be best for her not to see him so shattered. It was all-together a subject that he would rather avoid. "…But what about Lelouch? Do you ever wonder what Lelouch would think?"
Suzaku inhaled sharply. Her words were not said with any threatening or provoking intonation, but the sharp realization coursed through him when she spoke them. Staggered, he searched for the words on his tongue, but they slipped out of his grasp, forcing him to settle with a cracked whisper. "…I'm pathetic."
"No, you're human…" She spoke the last word of the sentence with care, as if it were fragile and would break if she said it any louder. "That itself is not something to be ashamed of."
Suzaku's lack of a reply gave way to silence. These were not easy topics that she was prodding at. Suzaku could feel her gaze, he could see it from the corner of his eye, and it infuriated him. It seemed that she was shoving salt into a wound that had been festering for years now, with little remorse for her actions, and only sage advice to offer, which he could not take wholeheartedly in any way due to a lack of care and the sheer magnification of his despair brought upon him by this night. Maybe, maybe she really was concerned and was attempting to provide comfort, but in his cloudy head it certainly did not seem that way, which really defeated the purpose entirely.
Now she extended her arm out towards him, palm upwards in an inviting gesture that mirrored the glass angel above her perfectly. Her pale face looked different—more human, kinder somehow, and he suddenly felt a wave of guilt for thinking any bad of her.
Suzaku stared emotionlessly at her hand. "What are you…?"
"I… am going to show you that he did not die for nothing. There are places, there are things that I think can show you that, and perhaps even mend your wounds, if only a little. Will you come?" She answered, her voice more resounding and empathetic than he had heard it yet that night. It reminded him that she too, had been affected by what they had done. He felt foolish for his thoughts of only a moment earlier; he couldn't help but feel that in his own selfish grief, he had forgotten that he hadn't been the only one. Maybe it was the drinks from earlier still fogging his head, maybe it was the spur of the moment, maybe it was a clawing desire deep within him for some sort of hope, some reassurance, but he reached out and accepted her hand. His own moved so seemingly slowly to reach it, like he was underwater. She smiled softly, and turned him towards the door, releasing her grasp as she did. Suzaku then heard the click of her heels on the ground, but didn't quite register her movement.
"Come with me." She spoke, the typical monotone starting to seep back into her voice.
Suzaku shook himself from the daze and stood firm. "Wait." She stopped and looked back over her shoulder. "It's not like I can just stroll around as I please."
C.C. just smiled and tossed him a flat object, which he caught effortlessly. It was a pair of sunglasses.
"You've used those before, haven't you?" A smile was twitching at the corners of her mouth.
Suzaku looked at them doubtfully. Back then; there was a lot less at stake, someone noticing a Knight of Rounds walking around would not endanger anyone other than himself. Even then, most of the scenarios that could have come out of that were far from serious. But on the other hand, it had always worked. And with C.C., it was sometimes best to just shut up and not voice any objections. Deciding to place his trust in her, he put them on without complaint and followed her out.
A violently cold gust of wind greeted their arrival when they stepped outside; Suzaku had to shield his face from it as C.C. hastily tucked her lengthy green braid under her hat. The air was bitterly cold, but no snow had fallen since earlier in the month. His feet kicked through gray-brown trails of icy slush instead of the traditional sheets of fluffy white snow. Not the prettiest Christmas Eve by far.
"What are you doing?" He asked, crossing his arms in a futile attempt to stay a bit warmer. Now would be as good a time as any to ask.
"I already told you." She answered. The wind had thankfully died down, so he could hear her more clearly.
"…I meant specifically, as in where are you taking me?"
"Into the city. You haven't been there in a while." She caught his gaze, her eyes conveying the full meaning of those carefully chosen words.
Suzaku Kururugi hadn't been to the city in five years. After all, Suzaku Kururugi didn't exist.
He was surprised at how quickly they arrived in the inner reaches of the city; their feet just seemed to keep moving, following an unseen course. After C.C.'s brief reasoning on her doing this, they had been perfectly silent. Suzaku found himself lost in thought, which only made the sudden arrival into the bright lights more abrupt. She had brought them from the outskirts where the private chapel was located into the shopping district by the looks of it; the streets were lined with storefronts and small signs, as well as a few restaurants here and there. He had to wonder if anyone had noticed them yet, and fought to ignore his uneasiness.
C.C. was the first to break the silence between them. "Since he died, have you looked at the world without a mask?" She slowed down significantly, and Suzaku matched her pace. She turned her head slowly; taking in the city in a full sweep of her vision, then stopped walking and leaned against a building. Suzaku joined her there, his eyes still darting back and forth uncomfortably. "This is the first place." C.C. said. "Look around."
With a sigh, and a short uncertain glance at his guide, he looked around the well-lit street that she had taken them. A constant stream of people lined the sidewalks, engaged in conversations over the sound of Christmas music coming from the shops. It was somewhat late, a clock on a large screen told him it was past 10:00. The streetlights were on, casting long shadows of all the pedestrians walking under them and into the shops or onwards to another destination.
"What's your point?" He asked after a minute.
"Look again." Was her simple reply. He listened, and looked once again, trying to notice some unseen thing that he didn't pick up on the first time.
If it was her intention or not, he wasn't sure, but the first thing that stood out was the cluster of people standing on the street corner, bells in hand. A red kettle was in the center of the group; Suzaku recalled seeing them as a child and supposed that they must be collecting donations. Most of Britannia's alterations had been displeasing, especially next to the newly formed ghettos, but he had loved those kettles. He figured that he was just happy to see something charitable instead of oppressive in his occupied country. Maybe it had also reminded him of Lelouch: kindness from a country that he was taught to despise.
The second thing he noticed was much broader, more or less undefined. Everyone he could see was happy, whether they were smiling, or laughing, there was a certain thrill in the air that the people walking down the streets seemed to emanate. In that, he felt sorely out of place.
C.C. followed his line of sight both times. "These people are in high spirits." She commented. "For most, that's part of the season."
"Are you saying that I should try to learn from them?"
"No, not exactly." She replied. "No one's expecting you to be happy now, and I'm sure you know that there's plenty of reasoning behind that. For one, it would only make you hate yourself more."
"So what is it then?"
"First of all, do you know the story behind those?" She gestured at the kettle Suzaku had been looking at earlier.
"Of how people started doing that?"
"No, not that direct of a story, something a bit more vague. Do you know that Charles generally frowned upon charity?"
Suzaku paused, considering what he knew of Lelouch's father. "I suppose that would make sense."
"He had Darwinist ideals, and charity does not fall within those. Any charity work done by him was most likely for the sake of public relations, so organizations such as that one, with the kettles, were essentially on their own... Are you catching on?"
"…I think." Britannia had never been a country known for philanthropy, and Charles had followed that tradition quite strictly. The new laws Lelouch had enacted to set the stage for the post-Requiem world, combined with his sister's additional policies, gave much more support to such organizations. He already recognized that much, but he also supposed that he had never really stopped and considered the contrast between the Britannia of old, and the new one, Lelouch's Britannia.
"Since the Zero Requiem… things such as charity have flourished—far more than they did beforehand. That's not the only example either. What Lelouch did was great... You don't deny it, but you don't embrace it either." Suzaku didn't have any answer to that.
"I'm not scolding you." She added more quietly. "I'm merely trying to fill some void in you. Consider that those people don't have perfect lives either. Maybe not as unfortunate as your own, but all of them have endured their own hardships, and yet they still manage to show some cheer around the holidays." Her expression was faintly quizzical as she spoke. "It's possible for things to get better. Maybe they won't, but the opportunity exits. Remember that."
They listened to the wind and radios for a minute after that with hands tucked in their pockets, and watched the people go by.
"…I see him wherever I go." Suzaku finally mumbled. "It seems that there's always, always something that reminds me of him."
"Maybe you should accept that." C.C.'s voice was growing more and more distant; she was already walking off to wherever she was taking him next. Suzaku followed after her. Whether he should take those words to heart, or brush it off as cold, disconnected commentary from the immortal was beyond him. Were her own wounds even healed? Or was she just covering it up with a near-perfect façade developed through years of practice? That was impossible to tell with someone who had lived as long as she had. It was yet another instance where he had no response to her words, and those were quickly becoming a common theme of the night.
The shops and storefronts of the shopping district were now beginning to transfer into tall office buildings and workplaces. Suzaku looked to C.C. uneasily. He had a feeling of where she was taking him—and it was a risky place for him to be going to.
"You're not…" He trailed off as her expression alone answered his question. That was exactly where she was taking him.
The news offices. The news offices where Milly Ashford worked, where she could come out at any second. And if there were one person in the entire city who could recognize him in a heartbeat, it would be her, with sharp eyes and her infallible sense of intuition that had come to her naturally.
"Relax," C.C. told him, pulling him by the arm into an alley nearby. "If she comes, we can easily hide back here." Suzaku nodded stiffly. What was the worse that could happen? There would probably be no harm done if Milly found out, but some things were too unpredictable. There could easily be a domino effect from there, not to mention the complexities of trying to explain everything… Suzaku silenced his thoughts. They were only serving to work him up more.
He swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry. "Well then…"
C.C. walked out of the alley and onto the sidewalk and wandered aimlessly forward a few steps, her back turned to Suzaku. "That school was his haven." She said. "But you know that, don't you?"
Suzaku, leaning against the side of one of the buildings, looked down at the ground and kicked some chunks of ice. "He loved that place… He loved everyone there." Loved them enough to wage a war partly on their behalf, to protect them throughout it (even if that meant more lies), and to some extent, to die for them.
C.C. smiled faintly. "He did. And they saved him more than once, without even realizing it." She turned back around to face the former knight. "And they still love him."
Suzaku very much wanted to ignore her about now, because what she was implying was beyond unfair, beyond painful for him to even think about. If there were one group of people who deserved to learn the truth of what they had done, it would be those friends from those carefree days; but that was an unreasonable, moronic, wishful thought that as far as he could see, had no place in reality.
C.C. pointed at the building behind her. "She still keeps pictures of everyone together… she showed them to Nunnally."
Two thoughts hit Suzaku the moment she finished speaking. The first was the realization that Milly had shown them to her on one of the days that she had visited her apartment. Each time, Nunnally pleaded him not to come in with her, assuring him that she'd be all right, that it was only an hour. He had waited every time, not needing an explanation of why Nunnally refused to let him come with her, and being silently thankful that she didn't. He was fairly sure that was Nunnally's intention as well. The second thought wasn't as calm as the first. If C.C. knew that, then she…
"You were talking to Nunnally, weren't you?" Suzaku asked, abruptly pushing himself off the wall and moving towards C.C. "What did you tell her?"
C.C. wasn't facing him anymore. "Why does that upset you?"
He grabbed the collar of jacket, his voice growing louder with each word. "Because I have no idea what you told her about me, about them, about-"
C.C. cut him off. "And you feel like it's your duty to protect her, since that's what Lelouch would've wanted? What are you protecting her from then? I didn't harm her in any way; you know I wouldn't do that. So what has you worked up? The thought of me telling her about all of your issues?"
Suzaku released her and took a step back. "I…" He froze as the door across from them slid open. A woman, pretty and blonde, her hair curling up off her shoulders, walked out and his heart twisted. Luck was just not on his side tonight. He tried to shake of his astonishment and backed up in to the alleyway, reaching to pull C.C. with him, but she shrugged off his hand and remained still.
"What the hell are you doing?" He hissed under his breath. She didn't answer.
And of course, as luck would have it, she just had to cross the street; she was going to walk right past them. Suzaku slunk back further as C.C. took to simply leaning against the building, just as he had been doing only minutes earlier.
He could only hope that she knew just what she was doing.
"Hello, Happy Holidays!" Milly said cheerfully with an enthusiastic wave as she walked by.
"You too. Um, I'm sorry… but you look a bit familiar, have we met before?"
Suzaku flinched as C.C. continued to speak. What was she doing making conversation? If Milly were to adjust her line of sight any further to her left… "Hm? Actually, you look a bit familiar to me too, but I can't imagine where we could've met..."
"Oh, you're on the news, aren't you? That's obviously where I've seen you, and I was at your filming station during winter festival that you covered earlier this week; we might have run into each other there." C.C. stepped slightly to her own left, maneuvering Milly's gaze away from the alley.
Suzaku watched them from the corner of his eye back in the alleyway, fervently hoping that C.C. could hold her attention. The more he thought about it, the more he realized that C.C. was doing him a favor of a sort: she was distracting Milly so that her gaze wouldn't wander. Besides, only those who had worked in the palace knew of her as a royal figure, the only danger would be in Milly recognizing the bizarre green-haired woman who had frequently shown up at Ashford Academy.
"Ah, that must be it!" She contentedly clapped her hands together before her grin faded into a more reserved smile and she looked thoughtfully into the distance. "You remind me of someone I met a few years ago. She was often with a dear friend of mine. Yes, a very good friend…" She shook her head. "But who am I to go telling a stranger such random things? I'm sorry. You couldn't be her anyways, you look about the same age as she was back then."
Suzaku's fingers scraped against the rough wall, and more than ever, he wanted to walk out there and tell her the truth, about Lelouch, about himself, about everything that had happened five years ago. She didn't deserve to be left in the dark; no one from Ashford did. Right then, he nearly brought himself to take the first step and walk out there, but something slammed his senses back to him and made him stop. He was unsure if it was the slightest tilt of the head from C.C., or something of Lelouch's voice echoing in his own, but he caught himself before he could move and remained in the shadows, eyes wide and heart pounding. Now was not the time, if there even ever was one.
"It's fine." C.C. replied. A slight wind whistled through the cracks in the buildings and stirred the air around them. "…Yes, He must have been a very good friend. When someone is important to you, any reminder of them can be hard to keep inside."
Milly nodded slowly. "You're right… So you shouldn't hold that sort of thing in either. It can't be good for you."
"…That could be true. I'll try." Suzaku couldn't see her expression.
"I won't ask, and maybe it's just me… but you look like you could really use it too." After a moment, Milly's smile brightened again. "Well… Thank you. Really, thank you. And Happy Holidays!"
"Happy Holidays." C.C returned. Milly then took off through the snow, sprinting quite easily through the ice and slush, in spite of her heels. C.C. watched her run for a minute, not turning to meet Suzaku, now frowning right behind her. He desperately wanted to be angry with her, every bone and nerve in his body told him to be angry with her, but he somehow couldn't find it in him.
"I'm sorry. You wanted to tell her. You wanted to tell her right then and there." C.C. remarked. Suzaku didn't reply. "But you understand just as well I do why she can't know."
"Yeah." He whispered, his volume betraying the turbulence within him.
"She's doing well. Her career is successful, she's surrounded by friends…" Most of them, anyways. Suzaku thought. The quality of C.C.'s voice was altered; something about that conversation had affected her. "I think he'd be glad to see them as prosperous as they are."
It was true, and Suzaku could grasp that it was probably was what was most important, but the combination of the argument that had been breaking out before Milly came, and C.C.'s conversation with her, had left him stunned and unable to properly comprehend anything she now said. He swallowed and steadied himself against the corner of the building. "Why did you do that?" He croaked. "…You weren't just distracting her."
"For you." Suzaku stared at the back of her head like she was mad. "To prove a point. Hopefully it will hit you a bit more clearly once you've calmed down." Suzaku just shook his head. He didn't want to hear it right now. "…And because you aren't the only one who needs happiness right now."
"…Ah." Suzaku looked off in the distance to where Milly had disappeared. In that sense, C.C. was right; Milly's expression had given it away. There was a part of her that was still mourning, and it might always be there. She deserved to be happy, especially around the holidays, and he felt that she certainly deserved it more than he did.
C.C. suddenly turned to him. "Suzaku, if you want to go back, I'm not stopping you."
"Are you asking if I want to end this now?"
She nodded. "Yes. It's quite possible that things will only get more painful from here on out. It's not that I'm not trying to upset you, but I'll put it like this: things may get worse before they get better."
If she had asked a minute earlier and he would have walked away, and when he thought about the possibility of leaving earlier, it had sounded perfectly rational. But now that C.C. was actually handing him the option, it seemed far more unreasonable to leave her and go back to where he had been.
"…I have nothing to lose." Suzaku answered, beginning to regain his bearings. "Whatever it is, it cannot be worse than what I've experienced before."
"That's probably true. But you know that it will dredge up the past." Suzaku nodded and C.C. offered him her hand. "If that's what you wish." Suzaku accepted it, and she steadied him as he released his grip on the wall.
"I'm all right." She let go and began to head down the street. Suzaku waited a half second before following her, in preparation of what was to come.
It was several minutes before they talked again, partially because their next destination was slightly farther away, and partially Suzaku needed the time to re-stabilize himself. Due to the silence, Suzaku found himself realizing that the night was somewhat beautiful, in it's own certain way. The city itself seemed stunning, regardless of the notable lack of snow and brutal cold.
"This is it." C.C. said at last. Suzaku looked around, and immediately recognized it as one of the streets leading to what had been the Viceroy's Palace. A new one had been established under Lelouch's reign, and it was now used as a residence for important visiting figures, such as Nunnally and himself. Upon noticing that, his first reaction was to look behind them. Ashford Academy was nearby and within their field of view. C.C. made no comment, and let him gaze across the city at the series of white buildings.
"It still hasn't changed at all." He whispered fondly.
"Have you ever gone back?" C.C. asked, being careful not to tread on any touchy ground, at least for the time being.
Suzaku shook his head no. "…I haven't gone back." C.C. immediately picked up on what he meant by that. "Nunnally has gone several times…" He smiled sorrowfully to himself. The fireworks of their first visit still remained with him. "They rebuilt it so that it would be the same as before. Yes, they… rebuilt…it." And then it hit him. His smile was suddenly gone.
"This is where…"
"…Yes." She replied softly. "This is it."
Taking a deep, calming breath, he pulled his attention away from the school, and towards the rest of his surroundings. If he had not remembered what the area looked like, he would have had no idea that it was the place that the F.L.E.I.J.A. had detonated over, killing millions, decimating the entire section of the city and leaving nothing but a crater and a lake. And it had all been by his own hand, even if it had been under the sway of a Geass. He hated this place. He hated it not because of what it was, or what it had been, but because of his own action that had ruined it forever. Buildings could be rebuilt, but the memories, the scars, could not be erased.
"It was restored quickly, as I'm sure you're aware. Repaired to be exactly as it was before the explosion." She walked alongside the road and up to a tall statue illuminated by the brilliant lights beneath it. Suzaku followed her in a daze, stopping before the plaque in front of it. His eyes skimmed over it, reading the words engraved.
"In memory of the lives lost in the F.L.E.I.J.A. blast during the Second Battle of Tokyo…"
He swallowed hard, and ran his fingers over the words slowly, mouthing each one in total silence. C.C. stood watching him like a ghost.
"…Lelouch once told me that he accepted full blame for it." Suzaku's bangs concealed his pained eyes. "He said it was his Geass, from back at Shikine that caused it, not me."
C.C. still said nothing. She only listened.
"…And he looked so delicate, so beautiful, so weary, all at once." Suzaku found himself unconsciously trembling. "And I told him that I couldn't agree. Not with that. I believed that some things were his fault, but that wasn't one of them. I fired it. I threw away innocent lives without a damn reason or care, and I couldn't have been happier about it." He laughed hoarsely, in a low, broken tone. "I couldn't have been happier…" He only shook harder as he laughed. "If you have anything to say, just get it done and over with."
C.C. didn't respond right away, gently mulling over each one of Suzaku's words. "…You and Lelouch... were very alike in that way." Suzaku didn't move. "You both held yourself responsible for any terrible thing that happened, without any attention to whether it was really your fault." She tilted her head back and looked up at the sky. "And it seemed to make things so difficult for you so often…" Her voice was soothing and calm, nearly motherly.
"Why?" Suzaku wondered aloud, talking not so much to C.C. as to himself.
"You are both too gentle at heart…" C.C. whispered. "That is why Lelouch was not fit for the true purpose of my contract. He loved others far too much for that kind of a pact." C.C. noticed Suzaku's shoulders' slackened, in presumed thought. "That's not to say he was perfect, of course. Like everyone, he was flawed. Heavily flawed. And he made a lot of mistakes. But that's not what really matters in the end, is it?"
"It isn't." Suzaku agreed quietly. "Especially for him."
"…Without a doubt." She glanced warmly at the sky once more before looking at the monument standing several feet in front of her. "You aren't without your mistakes either… whether this counts as one or not is debatable, but that doesn't matter. The city has healed. We're standing here, aren't we? Perhaps those who died cannot be brought back, but they're remembered." She approached the memorial and laid her palm flat upon its smooth stone surface. "They aren't forgotten, and it wasn't you or Lelouch who killed them. It was out of your control, and it was out of his." Suzaku continued to stare down at the engraved words, but he wasn't ignoring her at all.
"Look." This stirred Suzaku and he looked up at the base of the stone. A few flowers rested on it, a bit wet, but so far unmoved by any wind or weather. This at last, brought the smallest smile to his face. C.C. reached into her pocket and produced her own pair of flowers. Suzaku raised an eyebrow, somewhat surprised that she had them, before supposing that she had known that they would be coming here.
"They're from the gardens at the old Viceroy's Palace." She handed one to Suzaku and placed her own next to the pink ones that already lay there. Suzaku followed suit, laying his down with deliberate care, positioning it so that a gust would be less likely to snatch it up and sweep it away. C.C. then returned to her pocket and offered him another flower, pristine and white.
"You never know." She said. Suzaku smiled in return, and carefully placed it in his own pocket.
They stayed at the memorial for several minutes longer, lingering in the holiday lights and the peaceful silence blanketing the street. C.C. was the first to end the quiet. "Are you ready?" She asked in a hushed tone. Suzaku nodded in reply. They began walking, this time heading further away from the palace and back into the standard city area.
"C.C…. Do you still grieve?" Suzaku asked while they walked. He received no answer, but he didn't repeat his question.
The softly glowing strings of white lights that surrounded the monument suddenly burst into colorful flares spinning around every sign, building and screen in sight. Massive screens displaying all sorts of TV channels and advertisements decorated almost every single place in the wide, crowded city square. The crowds of the shopping district were small compared to the masses of people moving down these streets.
"The second-to-last place." C.C. said, sitting down on a bench. "Or more specifically…" She motioned at the single largest screen displaying a world news program. "This."
Suzaku watched the program for a moment, subtitles blazing by, the crowds drowning out any sound that came from it. "Why?"
"Because just over five years ago, the world was very different."
The full impact crept up on him slowly, but he understood right away. The news program was going through the usual motions—the economy, feel-good-Christmas-stories, and current events, nothing that stood out any more than usual to him. The real significance lay in the noticeable lack of war or high-strung tensions. The international conference between Britannia, the EU, and UFN, from earlier in the week was being praised for the further strengthening of alliances, in stead of news of Britannian conquests or senseless murders of civilians brought around by some group of anarchists figuring that no government at all was better that whatever they had. There was none of that to be seen. And all of it had been happening right before his now wide eyes.
"You've never stopped to take it all in… have you?" C.C.'s voice sounded far away in spite of her not moving an inch. Suzaku didn't manage a reply and kept staring ahead at the screen. "This is the world that he changed…"
He hadn't, not in such away as C.C. now showed him. He had only glanced at little fragments of the picture, in a desperate attempt to find some solace to his actions, to tell himself that he hadn't made a terrible choice. Somehow, in all of his unrest, he had never bothered to put it all together, when perhaps all the time it would have been the thing that would soothe him the most. Seeing it now felt like some great weight had been lifted off his shoulders and he his mind could finally find some ease.
C.C. sat soundlessly, watching some of his tension slip away before her eyes and for a change; doubts began to flood her mind.
"Suzaku…" She began, whispering. His eyes met hers and she stopped. Looking over his glasses, desperate green eyes pleaded her not to say anything yet, to let him enjoy the moment untouched for just a bit longer, just a few more seconds, and she found herself unable to speak and just nodded her acknowledgement.
He deserved to feel like this, if only for a little while longer.
Minutes passed before Suzaku finally sat up straight and opened his eyes, searching for C.C.'s gaze. She had turned away, her arms crossed and eyes closed.
"C.C.?" Her eyes opened and she turned to him, frowning apologetically.
"What is it?" Alarm edged as Suzaku's voice as he picked up on the emotions coming from her.
"Don't worry…" She grasped his wrist gently and shook her head. "…I just don't know if it's the right thing to show you the last place that I intended, after this…" Suzaku stared into her eyes shakily. "…It may break you."
Suzaku blinked and turned his gaze to the ground as she pulled her hand away.
"Take me there." He stood up. "There was a reason for your planning it, so there must be a reason for me to see it, there must be some benefit…"
"Even if you do not see it right away…" C.C. finished with a sigh. She then joined him in standing. "If that's what you want to do… then I'll take you there. But if you cannot take it, it's not me to blame." Their feet began to move, and Suzaku's sense got the better of him. There was no turning back now, and he was willingly walking towards some unknown thing that could easily rip from his relative emotional high and toss him back to where he had been hours ago, or worse.
But he didn't resist.
For the first time that night, he watched the scenery around him carefully, absorbing every detail of the buildings and streets, noting every corner they turned around, remaining acutely aware of their general direction. The contrast startled him, like he had been walking between each point in a thick fog until now. With each turn, his heart beat faster, and a sickly feeling began to descend over him as the complete picture slowly formed in his head.
C.C. suddenly stopped. The crowds had thinned out to virtually no one: they were alone on the long street lit up by lines of softly glowing golden Christmas lights. Suzaku slid off his sunglasses and his eyes grew wide.
The last time he was there, he had killed someone. Someone very dear to him.
"…You knew." C.C. noted, her voice hushed.
"…I figured…that it would be here." Suzaku managed to answer.
"The place where you fulfilled a promise." C.C. whispered. "And this is the final place I wished to show you. To remind you of the second half of that promise, a promise you are still struggling to keep." Suzaku was dead silent, staring at the ground and shaking slightly. "Without Zero, no one would be there to inspire the masses, to hold this new world together until everything settles into place. Your role is not over."
He was far too well aware of that. "My role isn't over… but does that have to mean that I want it? Do I have to be happy with what I did!" His hands closed into fists and he turned to C.C. "Do I?"
"No… you can hate it all you want, but you promised him." She didn't look at Suzaku, keeping her dull gold eyes fixed on the ground. "And you have to uphold it, if only for his sake."
Suzaku suddenly felt more worn out than he had all night, like there was nothing left in him to talk, to move, even to think. He just stared up at the sky, now covered in dark clouds, but still without snow. The only thing he could manage to conjure up was the memory of Lelouch, with the faintest of smiles, in the last second before the sword met his flesh.
He had stopped crying a long time ago. Now he wished that he could, for such a release would be far better than what he was left with now. Perhaps it was partially that inability to cry or scream that was eating him up, disintegrating every trace of life that still existed in him.
And then, he wondered softly why he had to ask her to take him here. He had willingly destroyed his own night. Subsequently, his despairing emotions suddenly twisted around into anger, from years of welling up inside, or from the haunting memories of the place where he stood, he was uncertain, but they quickly began to pour out onto the only person they could, mixing with the unfinished thoughts and conversations of earlier.
"I really can't take this…" He mused, shifting his attention the very person who had warned him of that, of whom he had ignored. "…What did you tell Nunnally when you talked to her today?" His voice was composed of a quiet, seething resentment.
"…I told her about you. I'm sorry, but it was for the best."
"Explain. Don't hold anything back."
C.C. hesitated, and then complied with the request. If that's what he wanted, she'd sugarcoat none of it. "She… already knows you're depressed, that's all too clear, but I told her of all of the things that you're keeping from her. How you hate living, how you prefer to spend Christmas Eve alone, too drunk to do anything, all of that." Suzaku's livid gaze fell upon her, but she continued. "She had already been picking up on most of it for a while now, so I really only confirmed it for her."
"So you…" Suzaku shook his head. "Why?"
C.C. continued to stare dully at the ground. "What good is it in hiding it from her? All you did was make it hurt more for her when the truth came out."
Suzaku was defeated. She was right; concealing it had in the end been the furthest thing from protecting her. And in doing that, he had failed Lelouch in yet another way.
"Nothing… I can do nothing that would have made him happy." C.C.'s head shot up, her eyes suddenly wide. She was becoming rapidly aware of the growing resentment inside of him and what a volatile state it was in.
"Suzaku, anyone would have done that." She cursed herself for taking him there, suddenly feeling like an utter fool. She had taken the single most emotionally unstable person in the city and brought him back to the very root of all of his troubles in an attempt to lighten his load. It was an idiotic idea, this only made it worse.
"It's not just that. Look around you. Did you really think that I could come back here without… without falling apart!" He snapped, stepping towards the immortal.
C.C. narrowed her eyes. "You asked me to take you here. I warned you, and you brushed it aside, because you thought you were on top of the world, or at least as close to it as you'll ever get now." She could hear him breathing hard in his fury. "I told you beforehand that it's not me to blame. I hesitated, but you asked me to take you here."
"But were you not the one who planned it in the first place?" C.C. stopped and drew back. It was true. "You were the one who originally thought that it would be helpful, that was your idea! And look what it has done now! You've brought me to the place I despise more than any other… to the place where I killed him! And you expect it to help? TO HELP! You don't even care anymore!" The sound abruptly drained from the air and they stared at each other for several lengthy seconds. Something had broken within both of them, and their eyes conveyed it clearly. Pieces lay there, shattered beyond any hope, unable to be repaired. They shook violently, the image of the person across from them shaking just as hard, their eyes darting up and down the other, like they were making sure they were still there. At last, Suzaku blinked numbly, severing himself from C.C.'s stare and slowly passed her by, with no thought as to his destination. She remained still, continuing to stare forward at the now empty space before her in a deadened haze, seemingly unaware that he had left.
And he didn't care.
When Suzaku was away from that place, away from C.C., he started slipping his sunglasses back on before pausing entirely and throwing them as hard as he could down the street. He honestly had no desire to be hiding from anything else now, and if someone did see him, he quite frankly didn't give a damn about it. No one would sincerely think he was the Knight of Zero anyways. After all, the Knight of Zero had died, two months before his king.
He had not the faintest idea of where he was heading or why, nor did he know or care about C.C. and her whereabouts. He was in no mood to think about the immortal witch, despite the haunting image of her shattered eyes that had fixed itself in his mind. He shook it out.
His feet carried him about for what seemed like hours on end, around back streets, into sidewalks lined with stores, roads of office buildings, and under highway-bridges, all without any connection or heed for what was around him.
He passed tall glossy windows, his reflection clear in the night. At one, he stopped and studied it, resisting an urge to reach out to meet his own gloved palm. It looked unfamiliar. He stared at it each night in a mirror in his bedroom, like he'd forget what he looked like if he didn't, but still, the tired-eyed young man dressed in all black who stared back at him on the street did not look like himself, but more like a shell of someone he vaguely knew. Like there should be a mask there, covering a face too weary and cold for its age. He held back a shudder and walked on.
Things began to blur by.
He admired the lights.
He looked down, hiding his face from the crowds.
He considered taking a taxi, before realizing how stupid that would be.
He couldn't look at the television screens.
He tried to smile back at people, but found it hard.
The hour grew later.
It started to snow.
And all the while, he found himself nowhere. Nonetheless, he kept moving, not wanting to sit in fear that he'd fall apart in front of the entire world if he dared to try.
That's when the simple wish for just some purpose in his movement began. At least on the Christmas Eves beforehand, he had been in a place that felt right, surrounded by the stunning windows of the church where his turmoil was calmed. Tonight, he was literally wandering aimlessly; his steps had no intent behind them.
Suzaku all of a sudden stopped, and stared out across the city square in its brightly lit wonder, suddenly overwhelmed by all that had happened. He sighed heavily and gently lowered his head, snow flitting past his half-closed eyes. A quiet desperation was settling in and words began to form on their own.
"I… don't know where to go or what to do, I'm just here… so if anyone cares… if anyone's watching, just show me the way… because I'm at the end of my rope." He whispered, the snowflakes dancing around his hair in the wind. "Just show me the way..." He closed his eyes and waited, wondering why he was even talking. He wasn't expecting any miraculous answer; the night now only seemed even quieter than before, and with a swift kick to some small rocks, he continued to walk.
But this time his feet carried him to a real destination. Slowly, without him even recognizing that it was happening, he found his way to the elaborate gates of which he had passed through so many times before, and his eyes grew a little wider. He stopped in front of them, shaking from the temperature and from the shock of where he had ended up. It was much darker away from the city center, but the slowly gathering, glistening snow gave him enough light to find his way through.
Perhaps someone had been listening.
He walked under the arch, down the path he had traveled hundreds of times, turning twice and moving to the back of the cemetery, to the only familiar gravestone there and smiled sadly down upon it.
He reached into his pocket, pulling out the gorgeous white flower he had been given earlier and twirled it absently between his fingers, admiring the petals as they span.
"…You never know." He whispered, and placed it before the gravestone. "…Lelouch? …There are some things that no one ever really knows." He remained bent on his knee, carefully brushing the snow off of the stone with his fingers. "But you knew a lot more than most…maybe too much at too young of an age. Maybe if you had a childhood for even a bit longer… things would have been different. But you'd probably tell me that you wouldn't have it any other way…" Suzaku sighed. "At least one of us was happy with how things turned out." His throat began to close up.
"C.C. returned today. And she tried to show me that I should be too… but I…" A distantly recognizable shiver swept through him and his eyesight turned blurry. "I'm not. I can't be, Lelouch. I know this is my half of the punishment, but I'm at a point where it's tearing me apart. And with every passing moment where I can't take it, I'm letting you down more and more…" His hands slowly closed around small fistfuls of snow as he lowered his head apologetically. "I'm sorry, Lelouch…"
"…The only thing you're doing is hurting yourself…. The methods of the Zero Requiem were intended to be a punishment, but not to this extent." C.C.'s voice came from behind him, clear and strong, yet uncharacteristically gentle. Suzaku lifted his head to look back at her. It struck him just how long it had been since he had seen her looking so human.
"You're crying…" She said, smiling a little. "Isn't that something? It's been a while, since you've done that..." Suzaku realized she was right and raised his hand to wipe the tears away.
"I didn't follow you, if you're even worried about that now…" Suzaku dimly recognized the fact that C.C. was freely admitting that she was here on her own accord and a pang of guilt shot through him for what he had said.
"So you are still grieving…" He turned away from her, wishing that he had not said the things he did earlier.
"Maybe not as much as you, but…" She gazed off into the distance though the thin veil of snow and into the leafless trees that enclosed the space. "Witches can be injured too. I only heal faster because we have all the time we need. And these things take time, Suzaku. You killed someone very important to you and upon his own request…the death of someone you love his hard to bear, but that—that's to a point beyond mere loss." Her eyes fell on the same place as Suzaku's. "…And despite it all, you loved him very much."
"Too much, I think." Suzaku replied. "…I only made it harder for myself."
"But you made it easier for him. You know he loved you back… And who would you trust more than someone you love?" Suzaku didn't answer her, but after a minute, he began to speak. His voice ever so slowly gained confidence as he went, as things connected, as realizations hit.
"When Lelouch first explained it—the Zero Requiem, to me, I told him instantaneously that I would follow through with it." He didn't understand why he had done that. "…I didn't stop and consider it, I just said that I would do it without any hesitation." His eyes. Maybe it had been his eyes that convinced him. "It's not as if I didn't fully take in what he had asked of me… I knew all too well." Or maybe it had been his voice. "But I blindly said yes…and I don't regret it." Or maybe it had been him, just the fact that it was Lelouch who had requested the feat and not anyone else. He didn't really know. "I hate what I've done, but I don't regret it. Lelouch… never wanted that." Suzaku rose unsteadily to his feet, his eyes remaining on the gravestone, like that alone would hold his balance. "The world's happiness comes before my own… but that didn't mean that he didn't want my life to be a hell…" A small smile spread found its way to the surface and he looked up into the falling snow, blissfully shutting his eyes.
"I've done my part, Lelouch…" C.C. said too softly to be heard, and smiled.
Suzaku returned his focus to the gravestone and touched the surface lightly, whispering a few muted words. C.C. made no attempt to hear them. His fingers lingered on the surface as he began to walk away, part of him wishing to stay but a little longer. He stopped several feet away and looked back over his shoulder, then to face her completely.
"C.C.?"
"Yes?" She was already looking at him, and now stood where he had been in front of the grave.
"…Merry Christmas. And thank you." He smiled slightly at her.
She smiled back. "Merry Christmas." He then turned around, almost hesitantly, and began to walk. She didn't need to ask where he was heading, and watched his back until it disappeared into the shadows.
With a sigh, she turned to the grave. "I know I don't need to ask…you'll always watch over him, won't you, Lelouch?" She bent down and gently placed another flower beside the one that Suzaku had already laid there. "…Merry Christmas."
Suzaku had walked as fast as he could, almost breaking into a run at some points. Down streets, around corners, through crowds, and by buildings, all lit up by glimmering rows of lights, seemingly guiding his way.
His feet couldn't have carried him faster, but it still felt like too long. At last, he found himself in front of the large door, dusted in snow, and his hair damp and windblown, but there. He took a deep breath, and opened the door, stepping inside.
The room was pleasantly warm, instantly relaxing his freezing body. Lights bathed it a bright, faintly golden color, and rows of small colored ones hung on every corner, and the fragrant green tree towered over everything, its ornate star brushing against the ceiling. In all of the rich, warm colors and cozy decorations of the room, a single figure sat on the wide couch, her large eyes fixed upon the Christmas tree.
"…Nunnally." He whispered, walking a little closer. She broke her gaze from the tree to meet Suzaku's. Her eyes grew wide as she saw him, and her mouth opened uselessly several times before she fashioned the words to say.
"Suzaku…? You're here? But you spend…" She blinked, still in shock, and raised a hand to her mouth.
"…Christmas alone. I know." He kneeled beside her. "And I shouldn't have been doing that…I haven't made all the best choices, Nunnally."
She nodded and closed her eyes, taking his hands in her own. "I know… C.C. told me."
Suzaku stared down at their hands with a contrite expression on his face. "Yes, I've been talking with her… she told me that you know everything." He looked back up at her. "I'm sorry, I really am. I never should have kept any of that from you. I just didn't want you to see me like that, I didn't want you to know..."
"Shh." She softly quieted him. "I don't care that you didn't tell me. I'm only concerned for you." She squeezed his hands and met his eyes. "…I just wanted to help somehow. That's all I could think of when she told me."
Part of him was relieved to hear that, the other guilty for having made her worry, but he ignored it. Those things weren't holding him down any longer. "It's okay now. I... realized some things tonight. Maybe things aren't as bad as they seem, or maybe I'm just learning how to deal with it all." He smiled a bit. "Regardless…I think things will be better from now on. I promise that."
"I believe you." She nodded. "…And Suzaku… I think my brother would be happy."
Suzaku was momentarily wordless as memories cascaded over him. Sweet scents of ginger, pine, and cinnamon, laughter, smiles, and one pair of brilliant, violet eyes.
"…I can only hope." He smiled faintly and sat down beside her, sliding off his coat. All the tension slid off his bones as he settled into the warm couch and he glanced at the clock high on the wall. It read 11:57, nearly Christmas Day. Nunnally reached to the coffee table across from them, taking a box of matches that sat upon it. She lit one, and handed the box to him, motioning at the candlesticks on the table. Understanding, he stood up and shut off all the lights in the room before returning to light one of his own.
Together, they lit each candle, one by one, until only the moon outside and the small burning flames provided light to the large room on that beautiful night.
The minutes passed by like all time had been slowed, and when midnight finally struck, Nunnally slowly turned to Suzaku.
"Merry Christmas." She whispered.
"Merry Christmas." He replied, then paused. With a nod of encouragement from Nunnally, he voiced the words that filled his mind.
"…Merry Christmas, Lelouch."
And he couldn't help but feel like the words actually reached him.
Those Christmas lights
Light up the street
Maybe they'll bring her back to me
Then all my troubles will be gone
Oh Christmas lights, keep shining on
Oh Christmas lights
Light up the street
Light up the fireworks in me
May all your troubles soon be gone
Those Christmas lights keep shining on
Thank you for reading, reviews are very much loved and appreciated! I hope everyone has a great Holiday season and New Year!