Nothing here but Jaz is mine. Harry Potter isn't mine, "It's a Small World" isn't mine, Avril Lavigne isn't mine (and I wouldn't want her, anyways), FF.Net isn't mine… hell, I bet someone's already done the plot (if there is one).
The Amazing Adventures Of:
JAZ
Lone fandom crusader!
Jaz swiveled back and forth, accompanied by her swivel chair squealing in protest. Anyone who knew Jaz would have screamed and run – her hair was in cutesy ponytails, she was wearing a shirt made entirely of safety pins that barely covered her breasts, and an uber-micro-miniskirt. Emphasis on the uber-micro-mini. Combine that with the clunky platforms and the pound or so of makeup – well, she definitely was different from her jeans-and-t-shirt normalcy. And, as if that wasn't strange enough, she was listening to Avril Lavigne.
She seemed to be ignoring Avril as much as possible – her eyes were squeezed closed and she was determinately humming "It's a Small World After All" and doing her damnedest to come up with the worst, the most mind-blowingly bad Harry Potter fic ever written.
This sudden change came about, like most earth-shattering changes, by accident. While braving the Godforsaken wilderness that is the Harry Potter section of the Pit of Vo – er, FanFiction.net – she found more bad fics than she could shake a review at, and more interestingly, quite a few truly awful rape fics. Rape fics were Harry was suddenly an Evil Bastard, Snape goes all mushy about Hermione (yet rapes her anyway), Draco Malfoy cries like a little baby as Evil Bastard Ron attacks him, and the only thing that believably gets raped is the canon. Lo, there was much determined scrubbing of retinas.
Anyways, while she was in the bathroom making her eyeballs bleed, someone had sent her an email. She leapt back to the computer, wondering in that tiny portion of her brain set aside for stupid questions, just why the computer cared that she had mail.
Click
Instead of a normal message, a pleasant female voice said, "Hello, Jaz, we'll be with you in a moment."
Jaz blinked.
When she opened her eyes again, the world stayed black.
There was a roaring sound.
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When Jaz opened her eyes again, she found herself staring at a tall blonde woman. Jaz promptly shrieked and clamped her eyes shut again.
"Get up," the woman commanded flatly.
Jaz shot out of the bed (when had she gotten there?) and on her feet before she realized what she was wearing. She shrieked again.
"WHAT am I WEARING?!" she howled, trying to simultaneously pull the hem of her skirt down and the waistband up. "Where are my JEANS?" The platforms proved too much; she overbalanced, hitting the ground with a thud.
"Your disguise. Get up," the blonde woman said again. "You're our Recon agent. You need to be trained." She eyed Jaz's lack of response. "Get UP!" This time she accompanied the command with a good hard yank, pulling Jaz halfway onto her feet.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
"What. The. FUCK?!" Jaz screamed, hauling off and hitting the blonde with the nearest blunt object – one lethally heavy platform. More accurately, she tried. The blonde grabbed the shoe out of her hand, grabbed Jaz's ear, and dragged her out of the room and into the hall.
"You are our Recon agent."
"No, I'm not! I don't know who you are, dammit!"
"You will have a dangerous mission."
"What mission?"
"You will need training."
"For what?"
"Your mission."
"The dangerous one? Like fuck… Lemme GO, you psychotic bitch!"
Alas; it was to no avail. Jaz looked up just in time to see a huge steel door. With a scream she dug in her heels and latched on to the door frame – whatever was beyond that door was probably not good. The blonde simply grabbed her around the waist and threw her into the room, slamming the door behind.
As the echoing clang faded into silence, Jaz looked up into the eyes of a tall male with a more-than-passing resemblance to David Bowie. She blinked. She narrowed her eyes. She lunged up and screamed, "What am I doing here?" right in his face.
The man blinked. He smiled. "Are you ready?" he asked in a far too caffeinated voice.
Jaz backed down. "Creepy bastard," she replied.
"Okay. So, you are to infiltrate the ranks of Truly Awful Fic Writers, understand their little minds, and bring back the information. Good luck!" the man chirped. He gave her a big smile. "Go get 'em, Tiger!"
"Wait!" Jaz yelped as he pushed her towards a door. "I don't understand!" She was thrown through the door.
She opened her eyes.
She was sitting at her computer.
There was no sign of her jeans.
"Goshdarnit," she hissed, collapsing face-first onto her keyboard. She jerked back up again as the pleasant female voice chimed in her ear, "Your mission is this: to write a fic, to post the fic, to enter the sisterhood of awful writers, and supply us information on their habits and lifestyles that will help us bring the fan legion to its knees. Do you accept (Y/N)?"
"Yes. Sure. Whatever," she muttered, hitting the "Y" button with more force than strictly necessary.
"Thank you for your business," the voice chimed.
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AN: tihs is to "sk8r boi" by avril!!!! OMG, i love her musik! she is sooooo kewl and punx!
He was a boy
She was a girl Can i make it any more obvious He was
a punk She did ballet What more can i say He wanted
her She'd never tell secretly she wanted him as well But all of her friendsStuck up their nose They had a problem with his
baggy clothes He was a skater boy She said see you later boy He wasn't good
enough for herShe had a pretty face But her head was
up in space She needed to come back down to earth
5 years from nowShe sits at home Feeding the baby she's all alone She turns on tv Guess who she sees Skater boy rockin up MTV She calls up her friends They already knowAnd they've all gotTickets to see his showShe tags along Stands in the crowd Looks up at the man that she turned down
He was a skater boy She said see you later boy
He wasn't good enough for her Now he's a super star
Slamming on his guitar Does your pretty face see what he's worth?
Hermione was depressed. Since she was depressed she totally ignored her too fiends, harry and ron because they were always making funne of hir. she was totally upset because harry was totally better then she is and she's like, "harry, why do you hate me." and harry says "i don't hate you mione. you are cool. we are friends." and ron says "i lurve u, mione!' but hermoine didn't love him bcuz he wasn't hott or reelly nice like drako malfy. so she was with her boyfriend (AN: tom felton is hott as fuck! *giggle*)
draco when ron stormed in. he was jelous. "u bitch, i luv u better!!!!!" and drako left ans said it would be better. if hermione, and ron, talked, becauce, they are, friends.
----____----!!!!!FLASHBACK!!!!!----____----
ron: i love u hermoin *kiss*
hermione: i dun love you! *smack*
ron: u slaped me bich!
----____----!!!!!END FLASHBACK!!!!!----____----
ron throws hermine to the bed (AN: i fergot, their in hermion's bedroom (she has a spesial one bcuz shes headgirl) and hits her. he hits her a lot. she said, "stof, ron!" ron forces her down and rappes her (AN: OMG!!!1 I cant belevie i mad him do taht!) then ron ran out of the room.
hermione was left wiht her terrs.
AN: OMG! dun worry, its H/R in da end. tehy r cannon!
REVIEW PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
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Jaz pushed back from her computer and blinked.
"That was appropriately… horrible," she stated calmly. "I think I killed my poor spellchecker. And that stupid autocorrect thing Microsoft has going. Oh dear."
She blinked again.
Then, quietly, calmly, she got up, went out to the back deck, leaned over the railing, and screamed.
Who is behind this travesty? Will Hermione get over Ron's cruelty? Will Draco be dumped like a sack of garbage? Will Jaz ever just get a life? FIND OUT NEXT TIME!