A/N: Yet another songfic. ^^ Underline words are the lyrics. The song is named Kiss performed by Korn.
These are Castiel's thoughts/words towards Dean. I'm sorry if Cas seems out of character... I tried my best. :/
Some deny and search for things
that never come around. Do I feel like a fool?
The places I have ran to all my life have disappeared
and I owe this all to you...
All to you~
I am not able to accept your apologies, yet regretting my actions is not something I'm willing to do.
It will sound cheesy as you may as well note but my soul can't be at peace if I do not make certain that you're safe and sound...
My mind... My heart... Everything seems to be heading towards a different direction from logic and normality.
This vessel starts moving on its own when you are in danger but I am unquestionably confident that I am the one who's leading it.
Sometimes I wonder if it's a malfunction.
...
I'm feeling like I'm sinking
and nothing's there to catch me,
keep me breathing, breathing...
I should grieve upon my decisions as you have betrayed my trust and faithfulness for too many times to count.
I should grieve upon my actions for all these enemies you've forced around me... But letting go of you would be equal to shredding my own soul to pieces.
...
What do I have to do?
Why can't this hurt be through?
I'm going head unto
something I know I will fail...
I can't give up on you... Although I know I must, my heart is beating too loud to let go of your image.
In the recent period of time I lost faith to all that was dear to me, yet you still seem to escape even my gift of doubting...
Why can't this kiss be true?
Why won't you please let me through?
I don't understand
why you always push me away...
Maybe I haven't been too honest about everything that exists within me but I can't see the point since you are unable of seeing what I'm yelling with your eyes closed.
I know of your pure emotions and motives but I can not accept your obliviousness when you are gazing at my vessel. I must confess that it causes me a pain I have never felt before...
...
Well, last thing I would like to do before I go away
is cry there next to you.
Next to you~
Cry and talk about the good old days and where they've gone
and now how much I hate you...
Humans talk with great worry about the passing of time but it's untrue that Angels can get affected by it.
Nevertheless, despite this humane creation of anxiety, I ought to admit to you that I miss these moments we spent together and passed without my realization. When trust was all you had for me and faith was all I had in you...
These minutes that were slowly transforming our relationship to something more tender and platonic... Something more meaningful and eternal-even if this was just by my own perception of things...
...
What do I have to do?
Why can't this hurt be through?
I'm going head unto
Something I know I will fail...
I still believe in you Dean...
In spite of words I spelled out of anger, I never stopped believing in you.
...But this is not the right term for this emotion...
Love... Am I allowed to say it?
Will it go against your beliefs?
Will you be able to ever grasp my formidable courtship?
Sometimes I wonder if I should find the one you humans call cupid and ask for a medicine...
Why can't this kiss be true?
Why won't you please let me through?
I don't understand
why you always push me away...
Ever since our worlds were turned upside down I deemed unnecessary any question about destiny and fate. The things that happen around us have rendered useless any attempt of contemplating about such terms.
But there is this sparkle in my thoughts... I reckon it is what you would call a hunch.
This hunch is telling me that staying here by your side is where I ought to be.
Even after all I've been through because of your mindless actions, this hunch is pleading me to withstand each and all in order to keep you safe.
This sparkle considers your soul a perfect match for mine... and it commands me to follow that soul no matter the destination.
...
I feel the blood drip off my body
as it pools right there, on the ground...
What am I now?
What am I now?
What am I now?
I am aware of how forcible and savage this world has become for both of us. I have bled and died many times along with you and we've both entered different worlds upon our departure.
I am aware... I understand... Yet why is it that your neglect is the only thing that causes the deepest bleeding I've ever received in a fight...? How should I explain the fact that your mistrust in me has forced me to reject any consideration upon fighting against and stopping my brothers' meaningless war? Has your entity converted me to a sinner for being so selfish about my actions and way of thinking?
Has this love altered me to - ...
...Is it a blasphemy to feel like a human again...?
...
What do I have to do?
Why can't this hurt be through?
I'm going head unto
something I know I will fail...
Why can't this kiss be true?
Why won't you please let me through?
I don't understand
why you always push me away...
I'm still here Dean. By now you should have understood that I'll support you and aid you no matter the direction towards you'll choose to walk.
Nevertheless, I wish I could eliminate that small but powerful belittlement my eyes show in the mirror's image... I am cognizant of how disgraceful my desires will be viewed in your mind but I am also unable of denying these forceful, yet forsaken sentiments that have emerged within my heart...
...
Why you always push me away?
Why you always push me away?
Why you always push me away?
Why you always push me away?
...
Why you always push me away?
Why you always push me away?
Why you always push me away?
Why you always push me away?
Is it considered an act of egoism if I crave for more than a friendship so dear that you so willingly retaliate to my life?
Is it futile to wonder if there will ever be a chance of receiving more than everything you so gently and quietly offer to my existence?
Is it vain to long for your company as soon as you escape from this ruthless world...?
Is it pointless to ask for more...?
...Is it foolish to desire two golden wings fluttering freely upon your shoulders...?
This is a mystery not even my father would be able to answer...