Chapter 1: Pat's in the way!

16-year old SpongeBob SquarePants sat at his maple oak desk with his face in his hands. He had a huge volcanic zit on the end of his nose and didn't want to make it obvious.

Or maybe covering it with his hands did make it obvious? Oh well, whatever.

The girl next to him was continually spraying hair spray on her big and bold afro, making SpongeBob sneeze. She looked at him, wide-eyed. Suddenly remorseful for making him sneeze and also polluting precious water, she tucked the aluminum can back into her purse.

SpongeBob went back to his daydreaming. Getting his driver's license, getting married to a hot chica, and living in a huge beautiful mansion.

Which, us SpongeBob fanatics know that none of that ever happens.

But it was 1974, and SpongeBob was ready to party like it was 1985! Or maybe, 1968? 1950s? Yeah, Post- WW2 tears. That's the ticket.

Us SpongeBob fanatics also know that SpongeBob was born in 1986, but it's fun to pretend he lived in the Drug Revolution.

Speaking of the Drug Revolution, 16-year old Patrick came in, a thin line of cocaine stuck to his lip.

"Uh, Pat," SpongeBob started, "You got some crack on your upper lip."

Patrick looked down at his groin.

"No, your other upper lip".

"Thanks, dude" said Patrick.

Patrick adjusted his knee high socks and sat down in front of SpongeBob.

SpongeBob didn't even want to imagine what life would be like without his best friend. Patrick had been there for him as long as he could remember. Every girl that rejected him, Patrick was there. Everything he ate, Patrick was there. Every crap he took, Patrick was there. Every breath he'd take, every move he'd make, every smile he faked, Patrick would be watching him… um, I'm getting off plot here.

Of course he made sure he was always there for Patrick, but lately there was someone else on his mind. Someone more feminine. Just then, she walked in the classroom. It was Molly. The most beautiful angelfish in the sea. Well to him she was anyway. To everyone else, she was an outcast.

But there was no doubt about it, he wanted her for Christmas; the only thing he wanted was her for Christmas.

Molly sat in her assigned seat, next to Patrick. Patrick had all hour access to Molly, and all SpongeBob could do was stare at the back of her head.

The bell rang, and everyone stopped talking. Mrs. Tuna (huge-ass pun intended) sat at her desk and examined her students carefully as the morning announcements came on:

"Don't forget to out your food cans in the bins designated…"

SpongeBob put his hands down on the desk and started to gingerly push away his cuticles as he listened.

"Gentlemen, we would appreciate it if you would stop putting stink bombs in the girls' locker room…"

SpongeBob got distracted when he saw Patrick and Molly giggling over a retarded game of tic-tac-toe.

"And everybody, don't forget to buy your sweetie a garter for this year's 42nd annual Holiday Dance!"

SpongeBob suddenly perked up. This could be his golden opportunity! If Molly went with him to the dance, he'd have her a whole night! There was just one thing in the way.

Patrick.

Oh yes, SpongeBob knew Patrick liked Molly too. He had to make sure this sucka went down. Molly would be his and there was no way around it.

*Decide now! Team SpongeBob or Team Patrick! Lol

Seriously, if you plan to leave a review, tell me what team you're on. It will amuse me and make my day nice…*