MAO Chapter 1: Round One, a twilight fanfic

This is both drabble-y and OOC (especially Bella). Not your cup of tea, don't read.

Round 1

BPOV

Emmett was bored. That was never a good thing. Ever. Ever. Not even in a parallel universe. Emmett + Boredom= insanity or bodily harm. It was just a fact of my new life.

Suddenly, Alice laughed. She was laughing so hard at first I thought she was crying. If she was a human, she would be crying, or crack a rib, which would hurt, and end crying.

"Okay, okay, this is priceless. We have a new game to play... go to the living room.. in five minutes, he'll have found it. I hope... 'cause that is funny stuff..." And she burst out laughing once more. "Edward?" she said to him, across the room, "Don't read Emmett's mind for the next couple of hours or I will personally torch your Volvo." He nodded, unsure of why Alice made this specific request.

So, like good little ducklings, in five minutes, we went to the living room. Like a little bitty duckling acts around Emmett. Scared for our lives... or at least our sanity.

"THIS IS THE GAME OF MAO," Emmett said dramatically, and WAYYY louder then he needed to. Like if a human was trying to talk to another human across... eh... a football field.

"COOL," I screamed back.

"Sit in a circle, duckies. It is time... to play... MAO," Suspiciously, all of us plopped down next to our mate... and some other guy. Or was he my mate... no, his hair is blond. It's all good.

"Um, Emmett, sweetie, how do we PLAY the game of MAO?" Rosalie asked.

Emmett looked at her impassively.

"Cool, how do we play?" Jasper asked.

"Guys, cool it. Basically, Emmett gets to make up rules at the beginning of each round if he wins," I told everyone.

"I'm out," said Edward.

"See ya," said Alice.

"Hunting," said Jasper.

"Sorry Emmett, I don't love you THAT much," said Rosalie.

"EVERYBODY GET YOUR BUTTS DOWN HERE. NOW OR I WILL CALL ESME. I MEAN IT," I screamed at Jasper's retreating back. Like a magnet, everyone was drawn back to their seats. "Good. MAO is an awesome game. I've played it, like, eight zillion times on sleepovers."

"You don't know Emmett," Rosalie snapped.

"You don't know Mao," I retorted, and Rosalie shut up. "Any other backsass?"

"Your hair looks like a cat chewed it. Did you and Eddiekins get naughty last night?" Emmett wasn't standing far enough away. I would have broken his face if he were a human. I may have broken it even though he's a vampire.

"No innuendos on my sex life, got it?" Emmett nodded.

"Yes... yes... yes... um... ma'am..."

"This is the game of MAO. MAO is the game of life. Life has many rules, and even if you do not know the rules, you will be punished for not knowing the rules. I am MAO and let the game of MAO begin," Emmett said mysteriously to start the game. We were all seated, and he dealt everyone six cards except me, to whom he dealt seven.

"Why did you give ME seven, this is SO unfair!" I said.

"NO backsassing MAO, that was your punishment for backsass and your backhand. Ow." Emmett said.

The game began.

The basic rules are pretty simple. The objective is to run out of cards. To play a card, you must match the number or suit of the card played before. Kind of like UNO.

Then there are a bunch of rules that Emmett, as MAO, makes up before the start of each round, but doesn't tell us what they are. However, if we don't follow the unknown rules, we get a penalty card. To win the game, you have either figured out the rules, or you are really, really, really lucky.

I put down a six of spades.

Emmett gave me two cards. "You didn't tackle yourself OR stand on Alice and sing Rubber Ducky You're the One with the dance!" (look at bottom for Emmett's rules unless you want to figure them out on your own)

This was gonna be a longgggg game.

Jasper put down a six of hearts, and tackled me.

Jasper was given three cards. "You don't need to tackle Bella, a cruel and unusual punishment. But you didn't even bow down to me, MAO or kiss yourself. Screw you and love these cards." Jasper was wearing a look of shock. He looked like he was about to talk, but then shut his mouth. Who knew how many cards Emmett would charge for talking.

Alice played a seven of hearts. She remained still as a statue. Emmett nodded and moved on as he played.

He played the king of hearts. Alice went down, and Emmett stood on her belly and sang:

Rubber Ducky, you're the one.

Who makes bath time SO MUCH FUN

RUBBER DUCKY I'M awfully fond...

OF YOU.

I am scarred for life. Or existence. Same difference. Anyway, Emmett had a whole dance to his little song. He was holding the back of his shoulder blades in a big self- hug. There was a rubber ducky on the curve created by his bent arm. He was sort of swaying, almost flirtatiously with the ducky. Just after Emmett sang "awfully fond" he kissed the ducky, picked it up in one of his big mitt-like hands and sang "of you" while pointing at it lovingly. He then stepped off of Alice, poor little crushed Alice. In a moment, he had kissed Jasper on the forehead, patted him on the head, said "Good little bro," and sat back down again.

Jasper was disgusted. He began rubbing his face, and Alice started kissing his forehead to 'make it better'. Then Jasper started screwing Emmett's emotions.

Note to self: Never piss off an empath.

Rosalie just stared at Emmett. When she got out of her stupor, she played a king of spades. She then jumped across the circle, taking me down. In another blink of an eye, she was sitting down again. Emmett nodded happily. Owch.

Edward played like a bunny was right in front of him and he didn't want to run it off. He played the nine of spades, and lightly poked me in the shoulder. Emmett glared. Edward smiled. "I'm sorry, Spedward, but that ain't no tackle, and WHERE IS THE BOWING DOWN TO EMMETT?" Emmett gave Edward two cards, and I played next.

I played the three of spades, and guessed what the rules were. I knocked myself on the chest in a big tackle "AND I'm down," Then, sizing up my courage, I quickly kissed Jasper on the cheek. "Good big brother." I said, patting him on the head. Whoops. Pissed off the empath. I put my hands up in a 'don't hurt me' gesture, and sat back down. "I think I had to," I whispered to him.

Emmett smiled.

Jasper grimaced and played a three of clubs. He sat on his knees, and bowed to Emmett. "Bowing down."

"YOU DO NOT SAY ANYTHING DURING THE SACRED BOW- DOWN RITUAL!" Emmett threw a card at Jasper, which he caught and rolled his eyes.

Things continued on in that manner until I would be black and blue if I was human, Alice was a vampire pedestal three times, Jasper had been kissed all over his face but his lips, thank god, and everyone had bowed down to Emmett until Alice played a red card. Her first since we figured out the kiss- Jasper rule. She kissed Jasper, and we had to break it up before things got rated 'R'.

"Gross. You didn't have to do that. Ew. Ew. EW," He threw two cards at Alice. "My rubber ducky is forever scarred emotionally! A) things can't get that... um... hot in here, and B) you didn't even have to kiss him at all."

Most of us had roughly eleven cards in our hand, but Emmett had only one. He played it, another freakin spade. I put my hands up as if to say time- out. However, Emmett hit my hands in sort or an aerial high five, as he launched himself over me. I crashed to the ground.

"AND I WIN! New rule time!" Emmett thought. Another thing that was never good.

Emmett's Rules of the Game of MAO:

Spades- tackle Bella.

If you are not Alice, when you play a red card you must kiss Jasper.

Red kings and black sixes- you must stand on Alice and sing "Rubber Ducky" song from Sesame Street WITH DANCE.

Every other odd- numbered black card and all even- numbered red cards- Bow down to Mao.

This was just a crazy idea F8WUZL8 and I had at a sleepover one day and today I decided to pretty it up and post it. What did you think (other than Bella being so OOC I can't recognize her)?