NOTHING'S THE SAME ANYMORE 4

Ianto curled up on his sofa and cradled the large glass of single malt to his chest. He had poured the drink over an hour ago and then gone and sat down. He hadn't moved after that, couldn't move and his brain eventually began to tell him that his feet were going to sleep. He still didn't move. Ianto wondered if he were in some kind of state of shock, why should he be though? It was only Owen after all. Owen, his reluctant friend and oft times sparring partner, the man who had saved his life more than once and patched him up so many times that Ianto had lost count. Owen. Ianto just couldn't process how he felt any more. He hadn't been able to look Owen in the eyes since Jack had brought him back because whenever he thought about what Owen really was now only one word came to mind. Abomination. Ianto's gut tightened with guilt, with pity and with fear. Owen was dead, plain and simple and sure as Hell shouldn't be walking around like he wasn't. The truth was Ianto would've been happier to take the bullet himself than go through the last few days again. He was furious with Jack on a whole number of levels, he was frightened of what Owen had become and he was thoroughly ashamed of himself. Owen. Ianto stared at the muted television set. Sex in the City was playing out silently from the corner of the room, mocking him. Ianto sighed trying to imagine what it felt like, not breathing, not eating, drinking and not being alive. Undead, wasn't that the word? Zombie? Ianto shuddered, praying to whatever God it was up there that Jack would never do the same thing to him. It was a weird thing, but as if on cue Ianto heard his front door open and Jack calling his name from the hallway.

Ianto did not respond and a few moments later Jack was sitting next to him on the couch.

"Ianto?"

He finally turned his head to face Jack and watched as the smile dropped from his lover's face.

"Ianto whatever is the matter?"

Finally drawn out of his reverie Ianto slugged the glass of whiskey in two mouthfuls not taking his eyes of Jack's as he did so. He was trying to formulate the right question, the right answer even. Ianto was no longer sure if there would be a difference. Owen.

"Why did you do it?" His throat was dry and that only served to accentuate the accusation in his tone of voice. Their eyes never breaking contact as Jack frowned not understanding the response.

"Why did I do what?" Jack reached out a hand to his cheek, the touch made Ianto shiver as it always did. He closed his eyes with the contact fighting his sudden need for the physical comfort.

"Owen. Why did you bring him back?" He asked leaning into the touch unable to fight the instinct.

Jack took the glass that was clutched in his hands as realisation sank in. "Ianto how much have you had to drink?"

Ianto snapped his eyes open and straightened himself up. "Don't avoid my question Jack." There was a measured coldness to his voice now as he snatched his glass back.

Jack lowered his hand. "It wasn't my intention, not like this anyway." He looked away, was that guilt?

"You shouldn't have done it."

Jack threw him an icy glare. "What would you have done?"

Ianto got up and went to the kitchen to refill his glass, he brought a second one out for Jack as well and resume his place on the couch his feet aching with pins and needles.

"If you'd have asked me that before Lisa I would've have done exactly what you did. I learnt my lesson the hard way Jack and it was you that taught me it."

"I couldn't let him go."

"He was already gone. Now he's just some kind of.....freak."

Jack gave him a heart felt filthy look. "Don't say that." He hissed. Jack drank the contents of his glass grateful for the burn of the liquid in his throat. Ianto arched his eyebrows in surprise.

"Fine, what am I supposed to say to a man I no longer have the guts to look in the eyes Jack? Because when I look in his eyes there is nothing there anymore. How can I look at him when I am a constant reminder of all the things that have been taken away from him. Jesus I can't even offer him a cup of coffee anymore, that accounts for 70 percent of the conversations I used to have with him." Ianto's fourth glass of whiskey was swallowed down. "I don't even know whether or not I should be mourning him."

Jack had no words to offer, he was lost in his own thoughts.

Ianto shoved at his arm.

"Promise that you will never do that to me. When I die I want to stay dead!" The alcohol was talking well now, but the clarity in Ianto's eyes hadn't faded at all. Jack watched him worried that his young lover had become so hardened to the drinking over recent months.

"Promise me Jack. I want to live or die not be in some state of in between where I cannot feel the warmth of the sun on my skin or taste good food or be able to fuck you until I scream. I would welcome death."

Jack was shaking his head. "How can you know that? You have no idea what's beyond this life."

"Yes I do. Blackness Jack. I know it's just blackness. You brought me back from there after Lisa attacked me, you remember?" Ianto was up on his feet again, he held out his hand for Jack's glass but Jack got up and followed him to the kitchen. He took Ianto's glass from his hand and placed both of them in the kitchen sink.

"I think you've had enough of that."

Ianto smiled at him. "Probably. I'm sorry Jack. I just don't know how to be around him anymore. I don't know what the right things to say or do are. He's wrong."

Jack froze and stared at Ianto.

"What did you say?" His tone was deadly and Ianto failed to recognise the anger.

"I said he's wrong Jack...."

Before he realised it Jack's fist connected with his jaw slamming him against the fridge. He looked into Jack's livid face utterly bewildered. Ianto's hand went to his face as he got back to his feet, tears welling in his eyes.

"Get out!"

Jack was gaping at him now in horror as if suddenly aware of what he had just done.

"Get the fuck out of my house Jack!"

In a swirl of great coat Jack was gone.

Ianto withdrew his hand and noticed blood on his fingers and sighing he grabbed a tea towel and wet it under the cold tap before pressing it to the side of his face.

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Gwen sighed and looked longingly at her empty coffee mug. The Hub had a very subdued air about it that morning. Owen had come in to work only ten minutes later than Gwen and Tosh and set straight to work on an autopsy with Jack. Ianto had not come in. Gwen had questioned Jack about the young man's absence but he had not even bothered to answer her question, just sent her out to Starbuck's instead. She got up and wondered over to the upper level of the autopsy bay and leaned over the rail.

"Still no sign of Ianto, should I ring him?"

Both Owen and Jack looked up at her and Jack's glare said it all.

"Leave it, Gwen."

Rather taken aback she was not about to be put off by Jack's bad mood. "Well is he ill, does one of us need to go round and check on him?"

Jack's hard look intensified as he put down the surgical tools in his hands and pulled off the gloves and lab coat. He strode across the bay and up the steps stopping in front of Gwen and pointing at her.

"I said leave it." He marched off to his office leaving a puzzled silence in his wake until the door to his office was heard to slam shut.

Owen and Gwen exchanged shrugs.

"What was all that about?"

Owen abandoned what he was doing. "Lovers tiff?"

Gwen gave him a wide eyed look. "Don't be silly Owen, they're not exactly in any kind of a relationship, are they?"

Owen shook his head. "No course not." He spat back sarcastically. "Gwen, those two love each other but unlike you they just don't advertise it to the world in general. Something bad must have gone down to get Jack this pissed. I wonder what Tea Boy said to him."

Gwen made to move. "I'll ask Jack."

"No!" Owen practically yelled. "Leave it Gwen. I'll talk to Jack. You phone Ianto and just double check he isn't actually ill for me."

Gwen was the last person Ianto wanted to talk to, he rejected the call.

"What happened Jack?"

Owen sat down in front of Jack's desk having closed the office door behind him. Jack looked up from the paperwork he wasn't doing. He didn't bother to smile, he knew damn well it wouldn't fool Owen.

"We had an argument." He replied flatly.

"Everyone has arguments Jack."

"Then I hit him."

Owen couldn't hide his surprise. "Oh."

An uneasy silence pervaded the cluttered office, but Owen finally broke it.

"He must have said something pretty bad to make you do that."

Jack sagged back into his chair. "No, he didn't, at least not knowingly. It was a small thing and I just lost it. I didn't even realise I'd done it until I saw him on the floor looking up at me like a startled child."

Owen took a moment to digest this. "Go and see him and sort it out."

"I know I should."

"What's stopping you?"

"The thought that he might turn me away." Jack wiped at the tears that threatened before they could fall. "I don't know what I'd do."

"Then go and talk to him, because I know he feels the same way about you."

After rejecting Gwen's call Ianto hauled himself out of bed and went to the bathroom. He caught a glimpse of his blackened right cheek which was swelling up nicely, thank you very much. Pulling off his PJs Ianto got into the shower and stood under the hot water and closed his eyes, resting his forehead against the tiles, trying to blank his mind and wondering what had driven Jack to hit him like that. It made no sense. For the thousandth time Ianto went over the conversation in his mind cursing the four glasses of whiskey that had obviously loosened his tongue sufficiently to really piss Jack off. He nearly jumped out of his skin when someone tapped on the bathroom door. Jack stepped in.

"Yan?"

Ianto yanked the shower tap to off and grabbed a towel giving Jack a nervous look as he made his way back to his bedroom fastening the towel around his waist as he went. Jack followed him.

"Ianto I am sorry."

Ianto stopped and turned to face him, mortified by the look on Jack's face. He took a moment to think about it before stepping forward and pulling his lover into a fierce hug. Jack instinctively circled his narrow waist with his arms and buried his face into Ianto's dripping hair and wet neck.

"I am so sorry."

"It's ok. I'm sorry too. Whatever it was I said I am sorry and I wish I could take it back." Ianto's hands found their way under the greatcoat, tightening his hold. "But I don't know what it was that I said, please tell me so I can understand."

"I will." Jack spoke into his skin, gently kissing him. "It won't happen again."

Ianto closed his eyes and smiled. "I know. I love you Jack."

Jack pulled back to look into his eyes and winced at the damage he had done to Ianto's face. His fingers delicately traced a line over the bruising.

"I do not deserve you Ianto, but I love you so much I just...."

Ianto finished it with a longing kiss.