Disclaimer: Downton Abbey and its characters belong to Julian Fellowes.

'I had no right to involve you in my life!'

'Yes, but you see, that's what I don't agree with! You had every right!...I know you, you are doing something gallant here, making a sacrifice for my honour but I don't want you to. I don't care, don't you understand? I don't care what people say! I'd live in sin with you! If she's threatening to ruin me, then let her. It's nothing to me. The only ruin I recognise is to be without you!'

'Forget me and be happy, please.'

'I couldn't. Not ever.'

'You should, and you must. I am nothing.'

Anna couldn't believe what was happening. Her life, their life, was so perfect just the night before and now...now it was over.

She cried harder then, as if crying would make everything stop and go back to normal again. As if crying would fix things. Perhaps he would hear her sobs and screams. Perhaps he would feel sorry for what he said and come back to her, hug her, kiss her, whisper that he was sorry, that he wasn't leaving, that he would be forever hers...but it didn't happen. She was still crying, and he was still gone.

What miserable destiny was this? Was she meant to never know the feeling of being with the man she loved? As man and wife? Anna was sure she wouldn't love again in whole her life, not so fervently as now. Not ever. She ached for him; she needed him. It was true indeed that her ruin was to be without him, and she could feel every piece of that ruin stabbing her body like a sharp knife, killing her bit by bit...and this would only be the beginning.

She gathered herself after some time. Dried her drenched face with her apron. Looked up at the stars for a moment, and went inside. Not much time later she was sitting in her bed, back at Ethel, looking straight at the wall.

'What's the matter with you?'

'Nothing.'

'I doubt it's nothing.'

Anna didn't say a word; her thoughts were too occupied with shattered dreams. She could see their house crumbling, their children's faces disappearing in the distance...the children she dreamed of so much would never be now. They never were and would never be. All she had ever dreamed of was just that, dreams...never meant to come true; only to exist in the depths of her mind. She could almost hear the cries of their unborn babies; begging for her to fight for them, but what was the point? Mr Bates was leaving...with his wife...his lawful wife and he would never be hers.

When she looked back she saw Ethel sleeping soundly. She stood up from the bed, walked towards the big mirror, and took in her appearance. She hadn't bothered to braid her hair, and it hung loose around her shoulders. As she stared more attentively she noticed that by the candlelight her nightgown was see through. It almost looked like she was naked.

Would he find me beautiful...like this? She thought.

XXXXXX

John heard a very soft knock on his door, and at first he thought he had heard it wrong, but then, it happened again.

He dried his tears in his handkerchief and took a deep breath, stood up from his bed, smoothed his undershirt, ran a hand through his hair and walked towards the door.

He opened it.

'Anna?'

She came in, passing through him, almost knocking him off balance.

When she reached the edge of his bed she turned to him. He closed the door behind him, his scared eyes burning into her.

'I may not have you forever, but I want to have you for only one night. One first and last night, Mr Bates.'

'Anna…'

'I want to know what it is like to be in the arms of the man I love... you can't deny me that.'

'I won't dishonour you, Anna. Don't you understand what you are asking?' his voice was shaking.

'You said yourself that I was the only woman you had ever loved in all your life. That you didn't know what love was until you fell in love with me…'

'I said that...perhaps I shouldn't have.'

'Don't!' She didn't want to hear him denying their love any longer. She couldn't bear it.

'Anna, we can't.'

'So you'll leave me; broken hearted, and damaged?' Her voice was low; almost whispering, but stern.'I gave my heart and soul to you, and you just step on them like it's nothing? How will I trust anyone ever again?! At least show me what it means to be loved.' She pleaded. 'I'll never love again like I love you, not in a thousand years.'

'Of course you will...It may take some time, but you will.' He whispered back, and his voice gave away the sadness in him.

Anna shook her head at his words. 'For all the promises you ever made to me, Mr. Bates. This is your chance to honour those promises, because I know you meant every one of them'

With her eyes sure on his, she held the silky tie at the collar of her nightgown between her thumb and forefinger and ever so slowly she pulled it. John's eyes widened as more and more pearly skin was revealed, and when the tie was loosened Anna let her nightgown slide over her body to the floor.

Some voice was shouting in his head that his eyes should be closed, but they weren't. He couldn't take his eyes off her. Her hair was golden, cascading over her shoulders, shining in the candlelight as if it was made of gold, forged on Earth's deepest furnaces. The blue of her eyes was as blue as the sea, and as confident as ever. She stared at him straight; without flinching, without fear. Maybe she knew he wouldn't be able to resist her?

His eyes travelled every single bit of her. Her lips, her long neck, the beauty that was her collarbone, and then he stopped...her breasts. That was something that John had always imagined, but in his wildest dreams he couldn't have imagined how beautiful they really were. How perfect and pert. Small but everything he ever wanted them to be. They would fit perfectly in the palm of his hands. They were made for his hands, he could tell. He shook his head.

'Anna.'

His eyes were pleading. Begging for mercy. Mercy that she wasn't ready to give. She walked towards him, and he noticed the sway of her hips. She had a tiny waist; she barely needed a corset, he noticed as her hips moved in a hypnotic dance. His hands were itchy, and he had to squeeze them shut. He wanted to touch her. He wanted to grab her by her waist and kiss her. Kiss her until there was nothing left, no time, no Earth, no nothing. Her legs were beautifully shaped; so pale and strong. And were her thighs met...he closed his eyes at the sight and when he opened them again she was right there, in front of him. Ready to be his, for one night only.

'I will be yours forever, Mr Bates, whether you take me or not.'

He grimaced, and held his hands up between them. He didn't know what to do.

He had to look down to look at her. Without her shoes on she barely passed his chest. She was so tiny, so fragile, so young, but she was so strong and brave and spectacular.

His eyes burned with tears. Tears of love, regret, and blame. As the voice shouted in his head telling him to cover her up, to take her out of his room, his hands were on her face and he was kissing her more passionately than ever. In all his regret and blame, he also wanted to have her, even if only for one night. He also wanted, needed to know how it felt like to be loved and to love the only woman that would have his heart and soul, and all of him forever.

She was the one who came into my room...No! Stop!

He couldn't blame her for this. He could only blame himself, and he would. He would blame himself for all eternity, but he was only a man. He knew how selfish he was being, but at the moment, as every bit of her invaded his senses, all rational thought that was forming in his head turned into deep painful desire.

Anna was overwhelmed with the entire situation. She tried to look brave and sure of herself to him, but the truth was she had never been so afraid in her life. She was afraid to be caught. Afraid that Mr Bates would deny her, and despise her for what she was doing. Afraid that if he would say yes, as he was now, that he would regret it later and curse her for this one night.

But as he slipped his tongue into her inviting mouth she felt his love overpowering her.

She could feel his hands all over her, as if he was determined not to miss one millimetre of her silky skin. He broke the kiss then, and took her face between his hands again. She was so delicate.

'Anna...we shouldn't be doing this.' As he said the words she felt his desire pressing against her stomach.

'And you shouldn't be going away...but you are. Tell me you don't want me, and I'll leave you. I promise.'

But as much as he wanted to say those words, for her sake, for her honour, for her reputation, his mouth daren't to speak them. He wanted her. He ached for her. He needed her now, and if he didn't have her he was sure he would die a slow and painful death.

'I can't.' He looked deep into her eyes, and Anna felt more naked in that moment than she ever had. She could feel him reading her soul; her most secret thoughts and desires. 'I love you.'

She smiled, and tears that she didn't know she was holding back fell. He kissed her collarbone one more time, and took his undershirt off. Her eyes widened at the sight of his broad bare chest, and she placed her hands there; feeling the hair between her fingers. It felt so good, so magical.

John's touches became bolder, and as he kissed her again he cupped her breasts with his palms and squeezed them gently. Their heaviness felt amazing, and he heard her sigh into his mouth. He broke their lips apart then, and moved to her neck, biting softly and slowly. This was too erotic to Anna. She never thought she could feel this wonderful in another's hands. Her Mr Bates' hands.

She ran her hands over his hair, and caressed his neck as he slid his lips from her neck, to her collarbone, and finally to her breasts. She was on tiptoes now, trying to give him better access, and he smiled at her gesture. Anna couldn't believe she was doing this. She was being bolder than she thought she could be, but this all felt too good and Mr Bates was leaving her forever the next morning. The last thing she could think of now was being shy. She needed to have him at least once. That time was now, and she wouldn't waste this moment with fears and embarrassment.

He stopped then, and held her hands in his. 'You are too beautiful.' He sighed, and guided her towards the bed. He helped her lie down with him.

They were on their sides facing each other and she smiled as he ran a hand through her silky hair.

'I hope we don't live to regret this...' he whispered and she kissed him.

'All I know is, no matter what happens after tonight, I will never regret loving you, Mr Bates. Never.' he smiled and she kissed him again.

Reaching for his trousers he undressed as best as he could, trying not to take much space in the bed, else one of them would fall. When he did so she looked down, and saw his manhood hard and pulsing. She thought that surely it wouldn't fit in her and she was scared again, but nothing shook her determination.

In the next second, John hugged and turned her so she was laying in her back. After doing so he hovered over her, and positioned himself between her legs. She placed her hands on his shoulders and he reached down to touch her. When he did so, she jumped.

'Shhh, it's alright. I can sto...'

'No! Don't stop.' She said caressing his cheek. Her smile was tender and he kissed her lips.

He continued to touch and massage her. He took his time and when she found her release and placed her hand over her mouth, so as not to cry out and wake up everyone, he knew she was ready.

Taking his hardness in his hand, he slid it over her core, and as he did Anna shut her eyes closed in anticipation.

'I'll be as gentle as I can.' He smiled, and she opened her eyes to look at him. His smiled reached his crinkled eyes and she relaxed under him.

'I know.' She said. And with that, he entered her slowly. Her cries were muffled in his shoulder as she felt herself stretch in the presence of his member. Blood ran, and she cried once again in pain.

'I'm sorry, love.' She nodded with her eyes shut. 'I love you.'

He kissed her hair, her cheeks, and her lips before settling into a steady and gentle rhythm until his end. Now it was too late.

XXXXXX

'Are you alright?' He asked as he caressed her hair. They were laying on their sides; Anna's back on his chest.

'Yes.' Of course she wasn't. He was leaving her in the morning.

He kissed her neck, and caressed her belly. 'I love you so much.'

'You do?'

'Of course I do!' hoovering himself on his elbow, he peeked over her shoulder. 'You are my life.'

Anna turned her neck to look at him as best as she could. The bed was too small. 'But you are leaving me.'

'Do you think I can leave you now?' He wrapped his arm around her waist, and pulled her to him tightly. 'After what we've just shared...'

'So you are staying only because we made love?'

'No. I'm staying because I love you.'

'And before? Didn't you love me enough before?'

'Anna, it's not that. Before, we could have waited. I would have divorced her, and I would have come back to you. But now...now we can't wait. What if something happens? No. I'll talk to Vera tomorrow, and I'll tell her. She'll accept the money I have to offer at once, or I'll take this to the court and leave her with nothing. Making love to you only gave me more strength.' He kissed her hair. 'I don't want to leave you, ever. I couldn't bear it, and this night just proved to me that I'm right.'

Anna had tears in her eyes as she turned fully to face him. She reached for him with urgency and they kissed passionately.

'What's the matter, Anna?' She was crying now, almost sobbing.

'I don't know, but kiss me, please.'

He did as she commanded, and kissed her as fervently as he could.

As his tongue danced with hers, she prayed to God that the bad feeling she was having would go away. He was staying after all. She was being silly. This wasn't their last kiss, surely…

A/N: Hope you enjoyed it and stick with me :) I'll try to update every weekend.

And please review! xxx