Immortalized Pain
Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. Seriously.
A/N: I feel like writing angst. Maybe this is good; I can make my multi-chaptered stories funnier. H'mm!
Summary: It will never stop. Raito knows this. The pain will never stop. It may pause, but it will never go away.
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The pain crouches. He tenses every time it does, because it signals an attack. He pushes it away, denies that it is there, but then it leaps at him, all claws and steel and blood and fangs, ripping into him. Then he is the one who crouches, keeling over in anguish.
This hurt will never go away. Because there isn't enough time to heal it, simply isn't enough time. Because he was dead. He was dead, and he wasn't just dead, he was murdered. He had been murdered, and by who? By him.
He'd killed him.
Yes. It was for the good of the world. But sometimes Kira remembers that he was once Raito, and Raito loved him. It was for the good of the world, but so, so bad for Raito.
It bites, the pain bites. It's agony, this is what agony is. This gut twisting feeling, wanting to puke out your fears, wanting to hurt yourself to escape the hurt of your heart. It squeezes your lungs until you can hardly breathe, and pricks at you until you're numb and yet torturously aware of even the air brushing against your skin. Tears wait in your eyes to be shed, but he cannot shed them. He mustn't show a weakness. The weight of the world rests on his shoulders, and he mustn't be flawed.
He is god. He is Kira. He is the savior, the light, the lord.
He was Raito, he was in love. But Ryuuzaki is long gone, and with him died the boy. Now only remains the god…and his immortal pain.
Perhaps it is the anguish that will kill him. Perhaps when that happens he will have suffered so much he will welcome the thought, and to hell with the planet.
Some part of him cries, day in and day out, and aches for Ryuuzaki's touch. Some part of him curses the day he found the note, curses the day he chose to use it. Because although that would mean he would never have known Ryuuzaki, it would also mean that Ryuuzaki is alive.
But most of that part is dead, or mute.
The pain is back. As though it was ever gone—the pain never leaves. It just dulls. Ryuuk watches his human double over with spasms of guilt, of love, of hatred and above all, hurt.
Such a strange thing, this pain. Like everything else that had to do with Ryuuzaki, it is tinged with sweetness. Kira welcomes this suffering, it makes him stronger. Raito embraces this suffering, it brings him closer to Ryuuzaki.
Both of them fight the pain, because in the end, it burns. It stings and smarts and makes them cringe…but every time, it comes back.
Like it was ever away.
And it is this immortal pain that Ryuuzaki spends his time watching, it is his Raito, the enemy Kira, and the strange combination of the two that he gazes upon from the shinigami world. He doesn't know how he became a shinigami, but he has a benefit none of the others have. He remembers how it is to be human. He remembers his Raito. And he watches his agony, and he smiles.
Because that immortal pain is what keeps them together, and that immortal pain will reunite them in death.
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I don't know where that came from. It has me all depressed, though.