A blank page stared back at him, just as it had for weeks. But he couldn't write it. He just couldn't. What more did he have to say? What more could he say? Were there even words? Could a page contain everything he was feeling? Was that what they were built for?
"Dad?" Came a timid call. Alexis.
"Yeah, pumpkin, what's up?" Castle replied, tearing his eyes away from his computer.
Alexis had hesitated in the doorway, her hand still resting on the doorframe. "I just—Are you okay?"
"Yeah, sweetie. I'm alright. Just…writing." Castle pushed down everything he was feeling. Now was not the time to come undone.
He could tell his daughter wasn't buying it. "We need to leave soon, Daddy. Are you ready?"
"Just let me get this last part out, and I'll be along." Further, Castle, he told himself, Bury it down further. Today is not the day to lose it.
But try as he might he couldn't push back the memories. Today of all days they attacked with a certain frenzy. He registered his daughter's departure from his office in a sort of haze, rose, and closed the door behind her. Then he didn't try anymore. He opened the floodgates and the memories from that day hit him like a tidal wave.
"Ron Michaelson, you are under arrest for the murder of Sonia McCoy!" She called out, walking up to the man. Castle registered his response and both he and Beckett broke into a run at the same time their suspect did, racing after him down the street.
"Freeze! NYPD!" She cried. It did nothing to slow him down. Those words never did once the suspects decided to run. But it had to be called, Castle knew. Protocol demanded it. Michaelson dove down an alleyway ahead of them.
"Kate!" Castle called.
"I saw it. Go cut him off, I'll follow him this way."
"But Kate," he began.
"Rick, you're my only backup," she said, handing him her extra gun. "Now go!" Then she
was off, and he followed her direction.
Castle backtracked a little bit and ran down the alley behind them, hoping to make it
so he and Beckett would box him in. He was about to make it to the alley Michaelson had run into when he heard the shot. It seemed to reverberate down into his very soul.
"Kate!" Castle cried. He saw Michaelson run out of the alley. "Michaelson! Freeze!" Castle saw Michaelson whip around, a gun drawn, and dove behind a dumpster just as Michaelson pulled the trigger. Castle waited a heartbeat longer before he peered back around the dumpster. Michaelson was gone.
"Shit," Castle muttered. But his thoughts were no longer on Michaelson. "Beckett!" He called out, running to the alleyway. His eyes found her right away. Just like always. Only now they found her on the ground, blood pooling beneath her.
"Kate!" He ran to her, falling to his knees beside her body. Her head turned towards him and she coughed. He watched as a trail of blood made its way down the side of her face.
"Kate?" She reached up, and he caught her hand, threading his fingers through hers. He reached for her walkie-talkie. "This is Richard Castle. We've got an officer down. I repeat, officer down. Badge number 41319. I repeat, Kate Beckett is down. The suspect has fled the scene. We are at 116th and Broadway." Castle let go of the device and cupped her face in his hand. "You're gonna be okay, Katie, just stay with me."
"Castle," she whispered. "It'll be okay." He could see it in her eyes.
"Don't you dare give up on me, Katherine Beckett. You fight this. Then it'll be okay." He let go of her hand and pushed it against the bullet hole in her side in an attempt to fight the bleeding. "Just hold on."
"Rick," she whispered, fainter this time. He leaned in to hear her better. "You were right. I guess it wasn't such a good idea to split up."
He tried to smile. "We'll remember that for next time. Partners gotta stick together, right?"
Kate tried to laugh, but only succeeded in coughing instead. "Sshhh, don't try to laugh. It doesn't seem like such a good idea, Becks."
Kate smiled up at him. "Seems like I'm full of those today."
"We all have our off days. You were due for one sometime."
"I'm sorry," she whispered after a moment.
"Just make it through this, Kate. Be sorry later if you have to." But Castle couldn't ignore the amount of blood slipping between his fingers. She seemed to notice, too, or maybe it was something else telling her that time was running out. Castle felt the tears starting to run down his face as she pulled his hand away from the bullet wound and held it in hers. He suddenly flashed back to when the bomb they'd been chasing for days was about to blast New York City apart and they had no idea how to diffuse it. He and Kate had just held hands, not needing anything else. She'd whispered his name then, too, scared that this was the end and they hadn't even begun. That, above everything else, had been what made him pull those wires.
But this, here and now was a completely different scenario. He'd been able to re-write their ending that time. This time he wasn't so sure.
Castle leaned down and kissed her lips softly. "Don't leave me, Kate," he whispered.
She looked into his eyes for a while and he took her in. A small smile curved up one side of his mouth. They'd always been able to communicate without words.
"I'll always be with you," she murmured at last.
"No," he choked out. "I don't know how to-"
"Sshhh," she put a finger to his lips before letting it fall back down. "In the pages of your books, I'll be there. In the lyrics of our favorite songs, I'll be there. Everywhere you go that we've been together, I'll be there. I promise."
The tears spilled over as they sealed her promise with a kiss. "Always?" He asked.
"Always."
Castle raised his head from his hands and his eyes met that empty page once again. His right hand fiddled with the band on his ring finger as he thought about what he could say. Then he typed five words across the page. It was fitting that the dedication of the final Nikki Heat book would be to her. Just as the first one had been, all those years before.
Castle rose from his chair and grabbed his black suit jacket. He met his daughter and mother at the door, noting how their black attire seemed to make their red hair blaze even more.
At the ceremony, Castle was presented with her badge. He watched as Ryan and Esposito placed their hands on her coffin. Lanie placed a rose on its lid then retreated to Esposito's side. Jenny consoled her husband. Alexis laced her hand through her father's and led him to his wife's coffin. He peered down at her face. It was relaxed, still, pale. He knew if he touched it, it would be cold. But she could be sleeping, he thought. Just like every other morning I've woken up with her by my side. But he didn't dare touch her. He knew the penalties of disturbing her when she was resting. He smiled faintly and did his best to blink the tears away. I will miss you everyday for as long as I live, he told her silently. Maybe someday I'll learn to live like you did with the pain of your mother's memory. Because just like with her, my time with you was too short.
As they walked away from the funeral procession, after having received many "my condolences" and "she was an amazing woman and cop" and even giving his own, along with a long embrace, to her father, Castle thought about the promise Kate made him when she died. And the promise he'd made her in the dedication. A promise he intended to keep until he took his last breath.
To the extraordinary KB, always.