A/N: WARNING: THIS IS A CRACK FIC! We only wrote it for humorous purposes, so PLEASE take it as a joke.

This story was co-authored by myself and BlueOrchid96. By co-authored, of course, I mean that we were joking about the concept and I wound up scribbling this as a result and forcing her to beta it, and then told her I was blaming her for the entire thing. So for the record, this is ENTIRELY CB's FAULT! I AM INNOCENT!

For our Twitter friends- we hope it gives you a giggle. We had a few in the writing of it.

Disclaimer: Castle belongs to Andrew Marlowe and ABC. We're just playing.

Things had been going so well.

Unbelievably, incredibly well.

After they had literally shut the front door and he had seen her scar, she had linked her fingers in his and led him to the bedroom.

Things were progressing amazingly well.

He had tenderly helped her remove her soaking wet clothing, and warmed her with the fluffiest towel and his reverent kisses, tasting the skin revealed as if it were the finest, rarest treat. Her body was humming, alive from his touch, and it wasn't long before she was naked and stretched out on his bed, shattering around his talented fingers and tongue.

She took some time in coming down, gliding her hand affectionately over his broad chest as he crawled up to hold her, revelling in being able to touch him freely.

It wasn't until her hand skimmed across the waistband of her boxers that she had the first inkling that there was a problem.

He caught her hand in his large one, brought it up to kiss her palm, before kissing her lips gently.

"Get those boxers off and make love to me, Castle," she commanded in a husky whisper. Hearing the need in her voice, he drew back and searched her eyes, but his didn't hold the "are you sure?" look she was expecting. If she had to guess, it looked more like... trepidation.

Huh.

She propped herself up on her elbows, studied his face. "Castle? What's wrong?"

He dropped his eyes. "I just... after so much build up, I don't want to disappoint you," he said. She stroked his cheek with her hand, leaning in for a tender kiss.

"Castle, this is us. Of course it will be amazing. And even if it isn't, we can, you know, practice," she assured him.

He searched her eyes for a long moment. "You're sure?" he asked.

"Nothing about you is ever going to disappoint me," she reiterated. He nodded, his head bobbing up and down as he weighed her words for truthfulness, before looping his thumbs into the waistband of his boxers.

"Ok, but you better not laugh," he said heavily as he pulled them down his legs, finally revealing his manhood to her.

What there was of it.

All, umm, maybe two and a half inches, at complete attention.

Her mouth dropped open. "That's... I... um... Wow, Castle," she stuttered, staring at him as if that would somehow make more of him appear. It didn't.

She lifted her eyes to his.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she asked.

He scoffed. "Really, Kate? You think I'm going to advertise that I have an abnormally small cock? That I'm short but really stocky?"

Her eyes flew up to meet his, softening at the sight of his shame. She reached out to cup his cheek tenderly. "I said I just want you, and I meant it. This is part of you, Castle."

He nodded sadly. "I know. I just hate that I'm such a disappointment, that's all," he sighed.

She shook her head. "You're not a disappointment. This is a surprise, granted, but we can work our way around it."

"Meredith used to laugh at me, and call it 'fun sized'. Gina wasn't really interested in sex, so as long as I kept her happy with my fingers she never complained," he rambled as she leaned in and pressed her mouth to his jaw, worked her way down the column of his throat, peppering kisses across his chest and laving at his nipples with her tongue. She pushed him back on the bed, moving her mouth lower and lower down his torso, teasing his thighs with her fingernails.

"There is one advantage to being the size you are, Castle," she breathed, hovering over his miniature manhood and looking up at his face under her eyelashes. Wetting her lips with her perfect pink tongue, she licked him from base to tip. It wasn't a long journey.

She slid him into her mouth, the whole of him fitting in effortlessly, and she swirled her tongue around all of him. He gasped, groaned, and shuddered as she worked him, loving the feel of her hot, wet mouth. It was all he had dreamed of for so long, he could scarcely believe it was happening. It wasn't until he was nearly ready to come apart that he managed to gasp "Kate, please! I need to be inside you!"

Sliding off him with a pop, she crawled up until she was straddling him, gazing down at him with dark, lustrous eyes. Reaching for him, she guided him into her heat. Finally.

Her inner walls clenched. He hissed.

She circled her pelvis once, twice. He bit his lip, eyebrows drawing together in concentration, trying desperately to not blow his load right away at the feel of her teasing.

She lifted up almost completely off him, then sank down again. He swore.

She then remained still for a long, long moment. He cracked open his eyes- when had he closed them? -and found her staring down at the place where their bodies were joined, her hair falling forward, curtaining his view of her face. He reached for her, tucking her silky strands behind her ear. She glanced up at him, embarrassed.

"What's wrong?" he asked. She lowered her gaze. "You can tell me- please?" he begged.

Slowly she lifted her eyes to meet his, her cheeks blooming an attractive shade of pink. "I just... is it IN?" she choked out. Her question was timed with another squirm of her hips grinding into his, and he gasped, unable to prevent his from jerking up towards her.

"YES!" he cried out, a little too enthusiastically, before managing in a calmer tone, "Yes, it's in, Kate. God, you feel amazing!"

She smiled at that, leaning down to sweep her tongue into his mouth in a dizzying kiss, before trailing a path up to his ear. "I'm glad I'm able to make this good for you," she whispered, nipping at his earlobe with her teeth, undulating her hips over him in a steady rhythm. She coaxed his hands down to her hips, silently commanding him to control their pace, but he slipped one hand down between her legs, determined to give her some satisfaction, too. Finding her clit with his fingers, he began rubbing gentle circles that soon had her writhing and arching above him. It wasn't long after that that he felt her inner muscles fluttering around him, and he gave in to his release moments after hers.

Lanie had been kind enough to wait until the wine bottle was open, the drinks were poured, and they were side by side on Kate's sofa with their sock-clad feet propped up on the coffee table before she began her interrogation.

"So, now that you and Castle are doing the nasty, I need details!" she demanded.

Kate shifted in her seat, taking a moment to choose her words carefully. "There isn't much to tell," she hedged, but Lanie raised her hand to stop her.

"Like hell there isn't. C'mon, give me something? Is he as well endowed as they say he is? What was it like landing the white whale?"

"More like finding Nemo," Kate muttered into her wineglass, before sighing and looking her friend in the eye.

"I can tell you this much, Lanie. That man has extremely talented fingers."

Thoughts?