All Roads Lead Back To The Same Place, If You're Lucky
Hijikata had been reviewing reports when they called him.
"Sir! Sir! We found him! This time for sure!"
Two subordinates stormed into the small room the local police force had cleared to accommodate their new chief. The men's chests puffed with haggard breath and their foreheads gleamed a premature shine of sweat. Eager and gullible were the troops in the country. Any lead roused them to action.
The absence of old uniforms caught Hijikata unawares. Although, he had hung his black jacket for time unknown, the sight of plain civilian robes still brought him back to a different time when the fight had yet to see its cusp and his hair a shorter cut. More than a year had passed since he had bade goodbye to Edo and the familiar faces that roamed its streets.
But not all faces. Not anymore.
Hijikata rose, grabbed his sword and followed the two men outside. At a brisk pace, Hijikata falling behind, wise enough to expect the worst, the two officers brought him to a food stall set in the main street of the town which was hosting its weekly market. All around them people chattered, vendors yelled promises and customers bartered for cheaper prices. Yet in front of Hijikata stood a woman, silent and grave, hair hidden beneath a cowl. Her back curved showing old age and hard work. She stared down at the pieces of dry fish laid on her counter awaiting customers.
"Oi, old crone, tell the boss what you just told us." one of Hijikata's men accosted her.
"You sound like gangsters."
"We don't want your opinion!" the officer snapped.
Hijikata reached for his badge and showed it to her.
"I'm Hijikata Toushirou, chief of police. I heard you saw a wanted man around here. Did you sell him some of that dried fish?"
The woman looked him up and down, taking her time, and answered after a short pause.
"Yes."
"A silver haired man?"
"He wore a big straw hat, I can't be sure."
Hijikata frowned. He glanced at the two men beside him who shivered under his glare. Sweat poured down their temples.
"Lying old hag! That's not what you said earlier! Don't lie to the chief, you wanna spend the night in the coop!?"
"You only asked me if I had seen a tall wanderer, I heard you say nothing of silver, you curs!"
"Oi, oi, we're officers of the law-"
"It's all right," Hijikata cut off his subordinate's outburst, "This wanderer you saw, which way did he go?"
"South! Towards the temple. I sold him two pieces and he went on south, that's all I know."
Hijikata thanked her and sent off his men with a commanding look. They scampered away at once, duty bound southwards, adrenaline pumping.
A wave of disappointment washed over Hijikata like a cold gush of wind as he watched them run.
"Sad it will turn out to be nothing?" asked the old woman.
"It's hard to find a man who doesn't want to be found."
"Is he a thief?"
"No."
"A murderer?"
Hijikata clicked his tongue and reached for his cigarettes.
"A rebel."
Gin-san, we really need this job, please wake up!
Gin-chan! You promised to treat us after this, come on!
Gin-san!
Gin-chaaaann!
Oi, are you asleep?
Gintoki...
Gintoki woke to the sound of rustling leaves. His hand went straight for his sword and he got up on one knee. Fortunately, his fears were subdued. It was only the thing. The child that had grown out of a chunk of meat spit out from the earth through a dragon hole. A child with the same features of his teacher and the same features of his enemy.
The child twisted and turned in its sleep but no frown crossed its face. Its brows didn't crease from effort like Kagura's when she had nightmares, nor did its jaw loosen in the comfort of deep sleep. It was a slumber filled with activity, a restlessness that came from whatever hold the altana had on the child's tiny frame.
"Do you dream?"
The child opened its eyes. Silence reigned in the snug forest glade Gintoki had chosen for them to spend the night. Not even the tree branches creaked.
There was no reply.
"Who are you?"
Dim streaks of moonlight escaped through the crowns of the trees. The child's eyes met Gintoki's unwavering.
"I still have that knife, you know?"
The child remained silent, devoid of character as ever.
"You grow too fast. I bet you're hungry. Here," Gintoki grabbed one of his last two remaining rice balls and handed it to the child.
"FYI, you're gonna miss breakfast tomorrow."
The kid bit the rice ball and ate it.
Gintoki suppressed a laugh, deeply saddened.
"You are terrible company, but at least I have good dreams."
A crumpled letter sealed Hijikata's fate for the night. It had come from Kondo and spoke, among other things, about the priestess sisters of Edo. Their message rang clear in Kondo's writing, '(...)the older sister doesn't know where he is, but she said he won't come back until he has finished his search, not even if it takes his whole life(...)', Hijikata scoffed.
"If only we had that much time," he blew out a big puff of smoke and put out his cigarette, "Idiot!"
His next destination was the drinking place by the police station.
The owner greeted him with surprise.
"This early, chief? Still an hour before the suns sets."
"Just pour me a cup."
The next hour flew by, and then the next at the ramen shop two streets down. Belly full, Hijikata moved on to another snack bar for a late night drink. A couple of fellow officers met him at the entrance and he sat down with them, indifferent to the invite. Maybe surrounded by people the cobwebs might clear from his mind. He craved solitude but solitude had done him no favors for the past two hours. He couldn't help wondering how long it would take, how much more waiting.
The officers talked about the prime minister's latest assassination attempt between jokes and laughs. Hijikata could only contribute to the conversation with the same resigned sigh he had expelled the first time he had learned of Katsura's new position in the government. If only the other former Joui rebels had chosen such paths out in the spotlight. Paths easy to track. Hijikata's fist clenched.
I'm gonna search for the Yorozuya.
Hijikata drank the rest of his cup in one go. He had to accept patience was a virtue and waiting for a stubborn fool to show up a thankless job. There was no one else to do it. He had nothing else to do. Was he supposed to sit around twiddling his thumbs, dealing with petty thievery and mind-numbing boredom at a two-story station out there in the boondocks for the rest of his life? No way in hell. Besides, who else could mend Glasses and China's broken hearts? What had they saved the world for, what good was the new generation for, the new Edo, if the Odd Jobs wasn't there?
The arguments pilled up without struggle on top of Hijikata's guilty conscience, heavy with a debt he had yet to repay. Heavy too with a longing that refused to be extinguished.
Towns meant danger and so did wild country roads. Towns meant constant pairs of eyes following their every move, wild country roads held the quietude of the perfect ambush.
That night Gintoki entrusted their luck to the cheapest inn they came across. He needed to restock supplies for the road, a bath and a goddamn meal. The roar of his stomach attracted more attention than the mute kid at his heel.
"The smallest, cheapest room you have." he asked the old man at the door.
"Sure thing, young man. My wife will take care of that."
Gintoki stepped inside and a middle aged woman faced him behind a small table next to the front door. Clutter encased her, old magazines, calendars, account books, cat food and an electric fan covered in dust.
"The cheapest room you have, please." Gintoki said.
"How long for?" she asked, eyes as sharp as her tongue. One cat jumped onto the makeshift reception desk to judge the two guests.
"Just the night."
"Hmph." she scribbled something down, accepted Gintoki's payment and then gestured to a door down the hall.
"Third room on the right. My husband's aunt died there a few years ago. Choked on a fish bone. There's a futon in the closet."
Gintoki nodded faintly, eyes bulging out, spooked to second hell. He stopped before entering the room but remembered Shouyou's copy was waiting beside him.
"I'm not scared or anything!" he burst out.
The kid didn't budge.
"All right, I'm coming in!"
A common tourist might have considered the two-tatami room a little cramped and stuffy but Gintoki had low standards in his life as a wanderer. Some might argue he had low standards in life, period. But, overall, he could do without the haunted vibes.
After stashing their packs in the room, Gintoki asked the old man at the door directions to the nearest bath house. Shouyou's miniature followed him without a peep.
Gintoki had gotten used to it by then. The kid was like a second shadow. In his mind Gintoki already referred to him as Shouyou, he only wondered how long it would take for the name to finally slip from his mouth. They had already begun to form a bond and Gintoki worried about him. The kid grew faster by the day, soon the complete adult image of his teacher would be in front of him, hollow, lifeless, incomplete. Many nights Gintoki lay awake fearing he had abandoned his life to go in search of something impossible.
That night was one of them.
Hijikata left the bar late under a starry sky, arm in arm with another tipsy officer. They lurched home together, feet struggling to find stable ground. The streets were deserted, except for other drunks trying to stand upright long enough to make their way home.
"Mine is this way." the officer said by Hijikata's ear.
Hijikata smelled his breath. They stood at a crossroads three blocks away from the police station. Hijikata faintly remembered passing by the bath house two or three turns ago. He fell silent while trying to regain his bearings.
"Sirr, I can help you g-get home."
Hijikata brushed the man's hand away, though they still supported each other by the shoulder to keep standing.
"Leave me there..." Hijikata slurred, pointing a wobbly finger towards a lamp post, "Right there. I just need to sit down a mo-moment."
The officer threw an arm under Hijikata's shoulder and dragged Hijikata to the lamp post. Hijikata slid down the post until he was sat on the ground, robes disheveled, one knee showing. The world around him spun slowly. He closed his eyes to wish his hazy vision away and calculate the quickest way to the station. His rented rooms were about two streets down or-
A soft rushing sound broke his train of thought. He opened his eyes to see two fat drops of liquid fall on a puddle beside him and his fellow police officer zipping up his pants.
"S-sor-ry, sirr, it couldn't wait."
Hijikata burned hot with rage.
"I'm right over here, you fucking idiot!"
"I-I wasn't tryna' piiss on y-you, sirr!"
"I'll piss on you right now!"
Mustering all his strength, Hijikata stood up in a flash and clutched the handle of his sword. He moved to pull it out but a hand grabbed his forearm from behind and stopped him.
"Oi, public harasser, why don't you get going?" the voice from behind Hijikata came low and tense, "Nobody wants to see what you've got between your legs, your mama was sacrifice enough."
The drivel fueled Hijikata's anger and he joined in.
"Scram, filth! And don't you dare turn up late tomorrow or I'll have you commit seppuku, you bastard!"
The cowering officer bowed his head repeatedly and retreated ten steps before turning around, missing his step, getting up again and disappearing behind the nearest corner.
A jabbing pain hit Hijikata as he watched the wretch go. Getting up too fast had been a mistake. He staggered backwards to lean on the lamp post but the firm grip on his forearm pulled him in the opposite direction. Hijikata bumped his chest against the other man's and coughed.
"Who do you think you are? Why did you stop me? He deserved a good beating!" Hijikata snapped, stumbling away from the man who withdrew his grip.
"You can't stay up on your own two feet. You're lucky he missed or you'd have taken a shower."
Hijikata spit on the man's feet and went again for his sword.
"I'll cut you down if you don't disappear right now."
The stranger's hand found Hijikata's chin way too easily in all his drunken stupor. A thumb ran over his cheek and Hijikata looked up in search of the man's eyes.
No.
His own hand came up to touch the man's face.
"I must be really drunk."
"Very."
"I missed this face."
Hijikata's faculties were too compromised for him to notice the way the other man stopped breathing for a moment. He was too lost in dark red eyes to even care. The splitting pain which had attacked him before had been replaced with a tingling sense of happiness.
He moved closer. For one night he didn't care if it wasn't true.
The hand lifting Hijikata's chin jolted as if struck by lighting. The man took a step backward and moved to Hijikata's side.
"Get yourself together," he grunted "Where are you staying at? I'll help you get home."
A scowl took over Hijikata's expression. He accepted the help.
"That way."
They walked the entire way in silence. Hijikata bearing the weight of his muddled thoughts and keeping in check an undecided heart rate. Seeing the front door of his building gave him great relief. By then he wanted nothing more than to lay down on his mattress and never wake up.
The relief must have sparked a heightened sense of clarity too because Hijikata heard an extra pair of feet as they reached his front door.
He turned around and saw a child looking straight at him. Eyes blank. He hadn't noticed him before, obscured by shadows.
The man's voice returned at last.
"Good night, Hijikata."
He walked away, kid trailing behind him like a ghost.
The image of Takasugi's scar healing on its own was hard to shake. Gintoki stared at the cell wall reliving that flickering moment and mourning the loss of his young companion. The two events inseparable. He fought the urge to touch the parcel tucked inside his kimono. The heart Shouyou had ripped out of his own chest, too big to fit into his small hand, sometimes felt like it throbbed on its own.
Two years Gintoki had spent searching for him, roamed the land with a sliver of hope by his side. And then, when he had finally heard his voice, proof of the soul residing inside that infant body, he'd lost him. Again.
A key turned in the lock and the cell door opened. Hijikata walked in, back straight and sword sheathed, looking so much different from the last time Gintoki had seen him; up close, drunk and desperate. His stomach turned with anticipation and he swallowed the empty knot lodged in his throat.
"We're getting things ready for the interrogation tomorrow. After that you can leave."
Again.
The word went unspoken but Gintoki caught it. A mirrored sentiment.
"Is there anything I can get you?" Hijikata asked him.
How generous. In a time before, long ago it seemed, Gintoki might have sprung a few outlandish demands. But at the moment those were of no use to him. They carried consequences he did not want to bear.
"Some food would be nice," Gintoki said, sat in the narrow cot by the wall "Preferably sweet."
He heard Hijikata laugh.
"Don't push it."
When Gintoki looked up, prompted by the instinct to meet a smile he knew so well, Hijikata's lips found his. Hijikata towered above him, engulfing his entire vision. But Gintoki didn't get to see much because his eyes closed and his hands rushed to the collar of Hijikata's yukata pulling him closer. Gintoki let him in without thinking, savoring the sensation. Two years had become eternity in a second. How Gintoki had endured that long he didn't know. He didn't know how he would be able to endure another two or three or four. He just knew he had to. That feeling, Hijikata's touch, if he couldn't have it forever it didn't matter.
Gintoki pulled back to catch his breath and released Hijikata's collar, his clenched fists white with restraint.
"Don't make this harder for me." he said, unable to meet Hijikata's eye.
"I thought that was the whole point?"
"Hijikata."
"Do you know how long I've been looking for you?"
Gintoki smiled amid his sigh.
"You're the only one stubborn enough," he said. He looked up hoping to find a reflection of his smile, but Hijikata had turned his back "Does Kondo know you are out here looking for the Yorozuya?"
"Yeah."
"But you didn't find him."
Hijikata turned around confused. Gintoki decided there was no better way to tell him. If he couldn't reveal to him the whole story, the least he could do was give him a hint.
"I'm no longer the Yorozuya." he said.
Hijikata's piercing stare held him in place like the eyes of a fearless enemy in the battlefield.
"Who are you then? Who is the man we are holding in this cell?"
"A student. A disciple looking for his master."
Something akin to sadness bore into Hijikata's stare and Gintoki recognized it. A subtle mix of doubt, surprise, bitterness.
"So you've been searching too?" Hijikata said.
"Yeah."
"And have you had more luck than me?"
"No," Gintoki replied, "The moment I reached my goal it slipped through my fingers."
"We're the same then."
Hijikata's answer left no space for a witty comeback. Gintoki didn't have one either. He remained seated, seething within, and watched Hijikata leave the cell. No discernible emotion to cling to.
"See you tomorrow."
A moonless night. Hijikata leaned on the ledge of his window smoking. Behind him, a lamp illuminated his room. Despite living near the police station, he was glad his window faced the opposite direction. It was the last place he wanted to think about. Leaving that cell had been one of the most humiliating things he had done in a while and it stung. The astray beside him attested to his commitment to try to smoke his regrets away, but as usual it failed. Maybe when he returned to Edo he could visit Gengai and ask him for some kind of memory remover. After everything the old man had done, wiping out memories had to be a piece of cake, right? Throwing himself shamelessly like that, Hijikata's skin burst into flames just remembering it. Two years had turned him into an infatuated lecher with no self-control whatsoever. He had so many questions he had wanted to ask Gintoki, he had so much to tell him and yet he hadn't been able to hold himself back, acting like a goddamn hormone-riddled imbecile.
I'm no longer the Yorozuya.
That sentence threw ice over the fiery shame cursing through him. It wasn't only its meaning that daunted Hijikata, but Gintoki's expression when he had said it. Stoic and candid, inviting no doubt or disbelief like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Perhaps it was. It made no sense otherwise. Leaving China and Glasses behind, Edo, his home. Nobody could call Gintoki the Yorozuya anymore. Not even Gintoki himself.
Hijikata wondered how long he had been living that way, having discarded his old name. He had been Shiroyasha once too. Was Yorozuya just another moniker he had thrown in the pile? What had he become? What was left? The disciple? Always the disciple.
A door slid shut on the lower floor of the building. No one was supposed to enter unannounced at that hour. Hijikata's trained ears picked up the quiet footsteps and he turned off the lamp behind him swiftly, engulfing himself in darkness. Shadows hid the moon from sight. Whatever light entered Hijikata's room wasn't enough to fully perceive the shape of the door. Yet he knew his quarters by heart. He placed himself by the door, gripping the handle of his sword, and waited.
Footsteps approached, then the contour of a hand appeared at the door. Hijikata didn't let the intruder's feet touch the mat. He lunged at once, ready to immobilize the thief but met with a quick parry, one worthy only of a battle-weary fighter. The flat clashing sound of his sword against wood stalled him.
Sleep was going to be a harsh mistress that night.
"How did you get out?" Hijikata asked, sheathing his sword.
"I know my way around country bumpkins," Gintoki replied. His tone had perked up since their last conversation,"They are very impressionable."
Hijikata remained silent, confused. He had trouble understanding Gintoki's presence there and the logic behind it. If he had the means to escape why had he come to see him, why was he there? Hadn't he been running away from everything? Chasing his past, chasing a ghost?
"By the way, that was a dig at you Mr. Vice Commander."
"I'm no longer the Vice-Commander."
"Both of us are no longer who we used to be, huh?"
Hijikata shrugged, unable to laugh at Gintoki's intended joke. He moved to go turn on the light but Gintoki got in his way.
"Hijikata-kun, remember that story about the princess and the frog, and how for just one night they became both kappas and lived happily ever after until the next morning?"
"No. I'm sure that story doesn't even exist."
"How about just for one night you'll be the Shinsengumi's Vice Commander and I'll be Yorozuya's Gin-chan?"
"You're joking."
"No, I'm a hundred percent serious as always."
"Just for tonight?"
"Just for tonight."
"But you will always be Yorozuya to me, Gintoki."
Gintoki remained silent. It was too dark inside the room to read his expression . Yet, if the trembling hands cupping Hijikata's face could speak, they would probably be saying something along the lines of 'Shut up' or 'Thank you' or 'No one asked for your opinion'.
Whatever it was, Gintoki made sure to reply out loud.
"Am I really that lucky?" voice shaky, he seemed to be recovering from a crippling blow.
"No, I'm just cursed."
The shadows cleared for a moment and Hijikata saw a bright smile unfold.
"Just kiss me, stupid."