If you don't like bathroom humor then please choose another humor fic to read. Otherwise you might get seriously grossed out :P
Freeza Has Another Problem
Coola woke up one morning and realized it had been exactly one month since he had played a good prank on his brother. He stayed in bed for awhile to ponder what to do before an idea came to him, and he quickly ran down into the lab. Seconds later, the purple Icejin was sneaking into his brother's quarters with a bottle of something clutched in his hand.
Freeza was in the shower, so Coola had no problem depositing the contents of the bottle into his brother's morning glass of wine. He quickly phased out of the area when he heard the shower go off, and seconds later, Freeza came out of the bathroom in his fourth form with a towel around his waist. He yawned, tossed the towel over his shoulder, gulped down his glass of wine and hurried out to attend the important meeting his father had set up for the family business.
"So, as you can see, we have overtaken planet Kanassa, Tazzba and Arlia." King Kold highlighted various planets on the star-chart behind him. He went about highlighting several more and rambling about another project when Freeza arrived and slipped into his seat. "Ah, nice of you to finally grace us with your presence, Freeza." Kold remarked, annoyed by the tardiness.
Coola snickered to himself as he put his feet up on the table, linked his hands behind his head and leaned back in his seat. He would steal glances at his little brother every now and then as the boring lecture progressed.
Freeza slowly became aware of a churning in his stomach. He tried to ignore it, but as time passed the churning got worse until the gas inside started to gurgle a little. A sweatdrop appeared on his temple and he covered his stomach with one hand when his father glared at him. "Eh, indigestion."
"Freeza." Kold crossed his arms and used his tail to tip Coola's chair over, thus dumping the purple alien onto the floor. His attention stayed on his youngest son, "What have I told you about eating snails before bedtime? You know they give you gas!"
"I did NOT eat snails last night, papa!" Freeza defended himself.
"Suuuuuuure you didn't." Coola added in. "Just like you don't sniff your armpits when you don't think anybody's looking!"
"Shut up!" Freeza flung his pencil at Coola and caught him right between the eyes. Then his stomach gurgled again and forced him to sit back down. "Ugh..."
King Kold just rolled his eyes and turned around to finish up the meeting. He didn't see the spitwad Coola launched at Freeza or the paper-bomb Freeza sent back. He did, however, hear the huge wet fart that destroyed the back wall and coated everything with a disgusting scent. "All right, whose the comedian?"
Coola and Freeza pointed at each other, both turning a bit green from the smell in the room. The smell finally reached Kold's nose, and he promptly fainted with a loud THUD.
"Well, I guess the meeting is over." Coola got up and walked out while Freeza sat there in his broken chair, blushing in embarrassment. As soon as he was outside the door, he touched his scouter and said, "Get the signs out now."
At the other end of the ship, Zarbon and Dodoria quickly started running to every bathroom they could find and hung up 'OUT OF ORDER' signs. Then they gave each other a thumbs up and raced to the best hiding places they could find while trying not to burst into hysterics.
Meanwhile, Freeza was just emerging from the meeting room after watching his father get carried away on an extra large stretcher. For every two or three steps he took, he was laying fartbombs that shook the entire ship and caused small brownish-green mushroom clouds to billow out of his rear end. "Geez! What the heck is the matter with me!?" His stomach gurgled again and he realized it was a little different than the pre-fart rumbles. He could feel some serious pressure on his rectal sphincters and knew exactly what was causing it.
Coola watched from afar and covered his mouth as scents of his brother's farts reached his nose. Then he turned and headed into his quarters to listen for the show about to come.
Freeza started down the hallway with a hand on his navel, looking around for a decent bathroom. He raced up to the first door he found and came face to face with a mocking OUT OF ORDER sign. "Oh, no!!!" His stomach gurgled louder and he doubled over.
Turning from the mocking sign, the Icejin started limping down the corridor until he found another men's room. There was no sign on the door, but when he entered the bathroom he found the only two stalls there were occupied. Freeza crossed his arms and waited while his stomach whined. He didn't realize Zarbon and Dodoria were the culprits occupying the stalls so he couldn't use them.
"PFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTT!!!!! THBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBT!!!!" Dodoria razzed with his lips and against his arm to make very convincing fart noises.
Freeza's eyes crossed, as did his legs, and he could feel his rectum starting to burn. If he didn't get on a pot quick he was going to make the biggest pile of burning crap ever crapped from a person in history! "Ugh..." He finally gave up and ran out to find another bathroom, which was on the next level up.
Waiting for the elevator was torture, and Freeza danced from foot to foot with both hands squeezing his little white butt-cheeks together to keep his ass demon from splattering all over the floor. The gurgling in his stomach had become almost constant and he knew he was a ticking crap-bomb about to go off.
"C'mon! Hurry the heck up!" He whimpered.
The elevator arrived and Freeza dove in to continue his little jig while the doors dinged shut. To his dismay, there was a chef carrying a wobbly bowl full of chocolate pudding standing there in the elevator with him. And every time Freeza would hop, the elevator would shake and the pudding would jiggle menacingly.
"Lord Freeza, are you all right?" The chef asked.
"NO!!!" Freeza screamed back. He was sweating buckets and nearly in tears from the cramps in his gut. As if to laugh at his predicament, fate decided to make the elevator break down, and Freeza just about blew his top with rage. "DAMMIT! NO!!!" He ran over and started hitting buttons wildly with his tail while holding his butt-cheeks together with both hands.
"Sir? Would you like to try some of this pudding? It might calm you down..." The chef meekly held out the bowl.
"Would YOU like to try some of MY pudding!? You'll be swimming in it if this damn elevator doesn't move RIGHT NOW!!!" Freeza screamed. Then he realized he had the power to blow the walls up and did so, smashing through layers of metal to reach the upper floor.
Jeice was just about to enter the only men's room on the deck when he was grabbed by the hair and shoved face first through a hole in the wall, where he landed on his butt in a bowl of chocolate pudding.
Freeza raced into the bathroom and slammed the door as he ran over to the heavenly porcelain receptacle available for his relief. He lifted his tail straight up, turned around, let go of his butt-cheeks and pulled his feet high over his head just in time to get his ass over the toilet and drop the largest shit-bomb in the history of the universe.
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF *PLOPLOPLOPLOPLOP*FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF FFFFFFF*
Poot!*FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF FF*PLOPLOPLOPLOPLOPLOP*FFFFFFF*pootplopoot!*FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR*PLOPLOPLOP! pffffft!*
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!*poot!*
The fart was so loud it vibrated the nothingness of space and traveled for light-years by echoing off the stars. Aliens on the other side of the universe blinked and looked around as the sound of a massive fart exploded through their atmosphere. Vegeta was sparring with Goku when he heard the very distant fart and looked up to see it scattering away clouds.
"Kakarotto! Did you eat the woman's beans again!?"
"No...that wasn't me!" Goku scratched his head and shrugged.
Meanwhile, Freeza's head had fallen back, his mouth was open and his eyes were crossed with relief as his entire body shook with the force of the butt-gravy being expelled from his rectum. He had to hang onto the toilet seat just to avoid being propelled upwards. It was quite a miracle when the toilet didn't explode from the ass-plosion.
FFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!! PLOPLOPLOPLOP!!! PLOP!!! POOT! PLOP!!! FFFFFFFFFFFFFT-PLOP-plop*poot*plop! "AHHHH!!!!!! OOOOOHHHH YESSSSS!!!!!! OOOOOHHH MAMA!!! OHHH MAMA!!! WHO'S YOUR MAMA!!!" He moaned and grunted as more farts and waves of liquid crap were blasted from his bottom with occasional flares of fire mixed in.
In the upper deck of the ship, Coola, Zarbon and Dodoria were beside themselves with laughter. The sound of Freeza's farts were all over the ship and scaring everyone. It was even funnier when Jeice walked by with the brown pudding all over his butt.
"Hey, Jeice! Get a little too scared!?" Snickered Dodoria.
Jeice only mumbled angrily and went into his quarters while Coola and Zarbon continued their snickering.
"So what exactly did you put into his wine?" Asked Zarbon.
Coola grinned evilly and held up a clear, empty bottle labeled Explosive Ex-Lax. Then he and the others burst into another round of laughter.
Freeza let his legs drop into their normal position so he could bounce his feet up and down in relief as a few after-shocks cruised through his system to finish off his colon-cleaning. The smell in the bathroom was so disgusting the painted flowers on the wallpaper were dying, but he didn't care. All he could do is sit there, gasping for breath and wondering if this was how it felt for a woman to deliver a ten-pound baby.
When he had regained some of his composure, Freeza reached over to grab a wad of toilet paper. His fingers locked around something cardboard instead of soft and papery. He opened one eye and stared. Then his lower lip started to quiver.
The toilet paper roll was empty.
"NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"