I loved it.
I loved every moment of it.
Every time he made me laugh.
Every time he touched me.
Every moment we spent together.
I loved it.
I loved him.
I loved him when he made me laugh due to his stupidity.
I loved him when he punched me with his coarse knuckles.
I loved every pestering time I came across him in Ikebukuro and we fought.
I can tell you the time I hated him though, because I only hated him once.
It's a long story but here's the gist:
I was walking in Ikebukuro, like usual. Off to play a game with my little monster. I called out to him, "Shizu-chan~." He hated it when I called him that but I thought it was cute. I thought he was cute. I thought he was cute because after I called him his cute little name he yelled mine. He always did; I quite enjoyed it.
Anyways, he yelled my name and ripped out a sign from the concrete ground, chasing me through the city. He swung government owned property at me left and right. I turned a corner, and to my surprise it was a dead end. It was just my luck.
"Ha! I've got you now little shit!" He threatened quite annoyed as he stomped over towards me.
I freaked out, I've never been a situation like this with him before. I always got away, always.
He just got closer and closer to me. I got nervous, I tried talking him out of hurting me.
"Now now, Shizu-chan, just let me go this time. Besides, you wouldn't really hurt little old me. Would you?" I said it pretty cockily. That was my mistake, because Shizuo got closer to me and wrapped his fairly large hands around my neck.
"Oh, yes I would hurt you. Like I am now." He smirked as he choked me, his face in front of mine.
You might think that this was why I hated him. No, it wasn't. I hated him for what he made me do next. I hated him for making me reach into my pocket and grab my knife. I hated him for making me stab him in the chest. Once, but then he didn't let go, so twice. He still didn't let go, so three times.
Three damn times he made me stab him. He fell backwards and landed onto the asphalt pavement and he bled everywhere. I tried not to scream, dropping my switchblade I landed on my knees harshly on the pavement next to him.
My fingers were trembling when I slipped my hands behind his head and placed his head into my lap.
"I wasn't going to kill you," he suddenly choked out. I gripped my free hand onto the front of his shirt. "I was only going to scare you."
He said it like he wasn't hurt, like he was okay, but it was only false hope. False hope because after that second line he started coughing.
"I'm sorry, Shizu-chan." I apologized quietly. I did not cry. I could not cry. I did not have a right to.
He lifted his arm and placed his hand on the back of my head, bringing it next to his. He placed my cheek upon his and whispered into my ear, "You and I, we were born to live. You and I, we were born to laugh. You and I, we were born to love. You and I, we were born to die. Even if I hated you, a part of me loved you. So, Izaya, I love you." He stopped and I cried.
Not only did he stop whispering his sweet nothings into my ear, but he stopped breathing.
He stopped breathing for me.
He stopped playing games with me.
He stopped yelling at me.
He stopped chasing me.
And he never started loving me.
That was the day. The only day, the only moment I hated him was when he made me kill him.
I loved him.
I loved him for bringing me the only joy I have ever had in my entire life.
People make mistakes.
Everyone makes mistakes.
But please be aware that sometimes your mistakes hurt some of the only people you love. The blood of the only person I cared about is on my hands.
We could have had something. We could have been happy.
You will never understand this feeling. It's something that physically will pain you. It will bring nothing but pain, emotionally and physically.
The sad thing is, I wouldn't have cared if he loved me or not. I'm still not one hundred percent sure if he did.
"Love me or hate me. Love me I will forever be in your heart, hate me I will forever be in your mind."
I loved him.
He was in my heart.
And I will soon be with him wherever he might be in the afterlife.
I will soon see me inside of his heart.
-Izaya Orihara
2022 military time
May 18th