Based on an equally amusing event.

Nothing beats the countryside! Fresh air, pollen, and bugs. Plenty of places to shoot a .22 and look at a girly magazine. Won't have to worry about Momma catching me out here. Just ol' Casey kicking back, the forest, and Sweatee Jizz' mammoth tits.

Pop let me have his four wheeler to tear up the countryside. I don't know what went through his brain to let a fourteen year old loose with the keys, but I ain't complaining! Gonna rev this baby up and blow some dirt! I saw Bobby Joe awhile ago and we had a race down his pasture. The winner got most of the Bobby's schwag stash. I'm riding happy now. I don't win too many things in my life but I can hail ass on the dirt. I'm the king of this jungle.

I'm cruising along on the grass, going back up to the farmhouse. I even got my safety helmet on to save what brains I have left after wrestling Bobby Joe by the lake; he couldn't let go of his pot. What a sore loser. While I'm driving along, I could feel a cop on my tail. No biggie. I'm not on the road or nothing. He trails me for a while. Play it cool, Case. I ain't speeding. Got my helmet, too. I'm legal. Nothing to sweat.

Then, blue lights. Aw, fuck! What's his problem?

I keep cruising, screeching the revs every now and then. This punkass hillbilly cop must like flickering his lights or something. Is he bored? Wanna pick on a quiet boy and his machine? I'll break his skull. This pig ain't no city cop; I can take him down with one arm and a baloney sandwich in another.

My brain finally snapped: I got some weed on me! Panic time, chump. I gotta ditch this cop or I'm hauled off to juvi. Pop won't ever let me have another ride on this thing or a girly mag again. I gotta have my tits, man.

I pop a wheelie and blaze straight into the forest. No kidding! Let's ride to grandmother's house, fools. Thank fuck I know these woods like the back of my hand. I fog up my helmet like crazy, and I can't sit on the damn seat. I'm running! I'm running from the LAW! You won't catch Casey Jones!

…...well, they might because the four wheeler just died. Nothing. Nada. No revs, no sound. I turn and the damn battery fell out of it! Plan C: ditch this and run like my pop is coming after me. Like that time when I cursed him and he ran me up a tree. THAT kind of running! I know where I'm going, too; I've been on this path before. Yeah, I see where I carved mine and five other girls' names on some bark. Lots of rumbles with Bobby Joe here. Think I smashed his head against a rock and he cried to his momma like a big wuss. I'm almost to the house, I just know it! No, wait... I got this mixed up with the other side of the forest! Damn! I must be half a mile from the farm! Truck it, Case, truck it!

I think my heart might explode out of my chest. Some gopher or dirt animal dug a hole and I done stepped in it. My ankle is throbbing, I can't see out of my visor all that good, but I hear Momma's voice shouting. Homeward bound! I feel like I'm in slow motion, like in one of those dreams. I'm so lightheaded, sweat stinging my eyes, and I'm THIS close to freedom, baby. THIS CLOSE. Momma's screaming never sounded so angelic. I think I'll hug her after my body stops shaking. She'll just think I played Twister with a bear or something.

I collapse on the porch, and the first thing Momma does is hit me with the newspaper. I tell her not to mess up the comics and sports section. I get another slap and am ordered to go milk Bessie. I suddenly remembered that I got that green on me and if Momma finds out, the cops will find my body parts as far up as Canada. I get out to the barn, and Bessie nuzzles and then sniffs me. She finds my stash and yanks it out of my pocket. Eats the whole bag! I'm too tired to care about this shit any longer. I'll go back and get Pop's four wheeler when the sun goes down.

Guess our milk will taste a little funny tonight.