The Birds and the Bees
Summary: Gruncle Stan decides to give Mabel and Dipper "the talk" in replace of an innocent bedtime story. Was his decision useful- or fatal?
A/N: First Gravity Falls fanfiction! My Lord, I adore this show so much. ^_^ Please enjoy. Reviews would be highly appreciated, thank you.
"Alright, kids, time for bed," Gruncle Stan ordered tersely, loitering between the threshold of the Pines twins bedroom and balancing the light switch between ON and OFF. He leaned against the doorjamb and watched the twins with narrowed eyes. He wasn't in the mood for this.
Mabel, who had been haphazardly dancing not-so-gracefully around the room and tangled her body in the long battered curtains in the process, shot him a discouraged gaze. "But, Gruncle Stan, we're not tired!" she whined, scooping Waddles- who had nonchalantly appeared in the room- into her arms and hugging him close.
"Speak for yourself," yawned Dipper, who set his cap on the nightstand with bleary eyes and climbed under the covers. He pulled the blankets up and over his head.
Mabel, rolling her eyes, hopped over to him and yanked them back down. "Come on, Dipper. You can't go to sleep without a bedtime story!"
"Bedtime story?" Dipper and Gruncle Stan inquired in unison.
Mabel nodded, her super-long silken curls bouncing against her back. "Please, Gruncle Stan? Please please please please plea-"
"Kid, look," Stan intervened, raising a hand up for silence. His eyebrows scrunched together as he spoke. "Wheel of Fortune is on in exactly two minutes and forty-two seconds, I don't have time to-"
"Aw, come on, Stan," Dipper retorted playfully, who was sitting up in his bed, the drowsiness abruptly cleared from his eyes and brimming curiosity replacing it.
"What?" Stan grumbled, raising a hairy eyebrow.
"You know, if you don't tell us a bedtime story, we won't be able to get to sleep."
"What's your point? That's your problem, not mine."
"Yes, but, if we won't be able to get to sleep, we'll keep bothering you during your Wheel of Fortune night. Bothering, and bothering, and bothering-"
"Okay, kid, you've made your point," Gruncle Stan said, looking defeated. He heaved a great sigh and sat down on the edge of Mabel's bed. "Fine, I'll tell you a bedtime story."
The cheery-eyed girl curled up next to him and Waddles, gazing up at her great uncle with large, sparkling eyes. Dipper crossed his thin legs, the Volume 3 book laying sleepily on his lap.
Now, Gruncle Stan, who has had zilch experience with children whatsoever, wasn't sure as to how to start a bedtime story off. Was he supposed to make it up on the spot?
He pondered for a bit, before his thoughts lodged on a specific story his parents had told him eons ago. Although it was very rational and blunt, he thought the two were at an acceptable age to hear it. And, as his mind traipsed in the gutter, a secret feral grin graced his spindling lips.
"Have you two ever heard of the story about the birds and the bees?"
Wendy sat behind the Mystery Shack counter, her ankles crossed on the surface of it and her eyes skimming over the crinkled pages of a fashion magazine. A hued pink bubble sprouted from between the teen's lips before popping boorishly. She grinned in satisfaction as she kept chewing and reading.
The obtrusive noise of a bell clanging sounded from the door, and the redheaded girl swivelled her head to the side to see who was coming through the door.
It was Dipper. The boy's hair was tussled, and his signature cap was missing from atop his head. He had large circles under his eyes, and they were bloodshot with exhaustion and agitation.
"Hey, man," Wendy greeted casually. When the boy didn't respond, she elevated a suspicious eyebrow. "What's wrong, dude?"
"I'm damaged," Dipper mumbled, running a hand through his tangled hair. He trod up to the counter and banged his head against it.
"You know, if you keep doing that you can lose brain cells quicker."
"I don't care," he maundered.
"Okay, what's up. You never act like this, usually."
Dipper lifted his head up slightly. He sighed, his breath rustling his auburn bangs. "Well, Gruncle Stan told us a 'bedtime story' about-"
"Guess what, Wendy!" Mabel suddenly shouted, who had burst through the door a couple moments ago. "I learned about sexual intercourse last night!"
"-that." Dipper exhaled deeply.
"It's very interesting. Now I don't have to take sex ed. next year!" Mabel exclaimed giddily.
Wendy's eyebrows shot up into her hair. "Well. This is awkward."
"It was terrible!" Dipper trembled. "He even showed us images!" He grabbed both of the teen's shoulders and shook her. "Images, Wendy!"
"I just thought babies were just dropped down the chimneys by storks."
Both Dipper and Wendy turned to stare at the young girl with a befuddled look on their faces.
"That's just stupid, Mabel," Dipper said.
Mabel shrugged.
"Aw, man, guys," Wendy deadpanned. "You two must be internally scarred."
"Not me!" Mabel sang, skipping around the shack and knocking items off their shelves. "I find it fascinating."
"Always the optimistic one." Dipper rolled his tired eyes. "But I will never get the images out of my head."
"Wait. You never told me how you learned about all this."
"From Gruncle Stan," Mabel proclaimed. "Good man, good man."
"If he ever tries to talk about that with me again, I'm going to kill the man."
Just then, the door of the shack swung open and the old, smelly man appeared in the threshold. "Kids!" he exclaimed, eyebrows wiggling. "How was your sleep last night?"
"AAAH!" Dipper screamed as he dived under the counter.
"What's his problem?" Stan inquired, scratching his balding head.
"He's scarred for life because of your little "bedtime story" you told these two yesterday night." Wendy explained.
Gruncle Stan grinned a contemptible grin. He crossed his arms and chuckled. "Good. I'm glad I finally did the kid some justice."