Snape's Erised
Snape stood, concealed in the shadows of his office, turning the labels on his glass jars and their disturbing contents so that they all faced outward while he waited. The insolent boy finally arrived, taking it upon himself to enter directly after knocking instead of waiting for his explicit permission. Twit.
"Shut the door behind you, Potter." He said, taking deep satisfaction in noting that the boy jumped at the sound of his voice. When the door was closed he stepped out of the shadows, drawing the child's attention to himself and away from Dumbledore's penseive that sat on his desk, casting its urethral glow around the room. "Well, Potter, you know why you are here," he said. "The headmaster has asked me to teach you Occlumency. I can only hope that you prove more adept at it than potions."
"Right." The boy said tersely.
"This may not be an ordinary class, Potter, but I am still your teacher and you will therefore call me 'sir' or 'Professor' at all times." He corrected the boy.
"Yes… sir." Potter relented. Snape watched the boy through narrow eyes. Arrogant brat.
"Now Occlumency. As I told you back in your dear godfather's kitchen, this branch of magic seals the mind against magical intrusion and influence." He began.
"And why does Professor Dumbledore think I need it sir?" the boy questioned, using the eyes that weren't rightfully his to stare directly into Snape's own. This was going to be a long process; already the boy was naturally making the most foolhardy of mistakes that would render the usage of Occlumency to zero.
"Surely you could have worked that out by now, Potter?" He said contemptuously. "The Dark Lord is highly skilled at Legilimency-"
"What's that? Sir?"
"It is the ability to extract feelings and memories from another person's mind-"
"He can read minds?"
"You have no subtlety, Potter. You do not understand fine distinctions. It is one of the shortcomings that makes you such a lamentable potions-maker." Snape said, pausing to enjoy the insult. Perhaps that would teach the boy to interrupt him. "Only muggles talk of 'mind reading.' The mind is not a book, to be opened at will and examined at leisure. Thoughts are not etched on the inside of skulls, to be perused by any invader. The mind is a complex and many layered thing, Potter – or at least, most minds are." A smirk formed on his lips. "It is true however, that those who have mastered Legilimency are able, under certain conditions, to delve into the minds of their victims and to interpret their findings correctly. The Dark Lord, for instance, almost always knows when somebody is lying to him. Only those skilled at Occlumency are able to shut down those feelings and memories that contradict the lie, and so can utter falsehoods in his presence without detection."
"So he could know what we're thinking right now? Sir?" Snape fought the urge to roll his eyes, how could the boy ask such stupid questions?
"The Dark Lord is at a considerable distance and the walls and grounds of Hogwarts are guarded by many ancient spells and charms to ensure the bodily and mental safety of those who dwell within them. Time and space matter in magic, Potter. Eye contact is often essential to Legilimency." He knew form then on that Potter would never voluntarily make eye contact with him again. Good riddance.
"Well then, why do I have to learn Occlumency?" Snape surveyed the boy, absentmindedly tracing his mouth with one long finger. He must weigh his words carefully, lest the boy think himself special and strike out a determination to seek the dreams, which could prove utterly false, and use their knowledge against the Dark Lord.
"The usual rules do not seem to apply with you, Potter. The curse that failed to kill you seems to have forged some kind of connection between you and the Dark Lord. The evidence suggests that at times, when you mind is most relaxed and vulnerable - when you are asleep for instance – you are sharing the Dark Lord's thoughts and emotions. The Headmaster thinks it inadvisable for this to continue. He wishes me to teach you how to close your mind to the Dark Lord." And most likely suffer leagues of irritation while I'm at it.
"But why does Professor Dumbledore want to stop it? I don't like it much, but it's been useful, hasn't it? I mean… I saw that snake attack Mr. Weasley and if I hadn't, Professor Dumbledore wouldn't have been able to save him, would he? Sir?" Snape continued to survey the boy, still running his finger over the outline of his mouth, he would have to tell the boy more… but he had to be careful in what he revealed… once again he must weigh his words with extreme caution.
"It appears that the Dark Lord has been unaware of the connection between you and himself until very recently. Up till now it seems that you have been experiencing his emotions, and sharing his thoughts, without his being any the wiser. However, the vision you had shortly before Christmas-"
"The one with the Snake and Mr. Weasley?"
"Do not interrupt me, Potter!" He said dangerously, this boy was very slow on the uptake indeed. "As I was saying, the vision you had shortly before Christmas represented such a powerful incursion upon the Dark Lord's thoughts-"
"I saw inside the snake's head, not his!"
"I thought I just told you not to interrupt me, Potter?" Snape snapped.
"How come I saw through the snake's eyes if it's Voldemort's thoughts I'm sharing?"
"Do not say the Dark Lord's name!" Snape spat, there was a nasty silence and since they had moved to sit at his desk during the conversation the two now glared at each other over the penseive. Had the boy listened to anything he had just said? Had he not understood that the Dark Lord shared an unusual connection with him and that anything was possible between the two? Apparently he couldn't comprehend that uttering his filthy name could be enough to draw the Dark Lord's attention.
"Professor Dumbledore says his name." He said quietly, almost resentfully.
"Dumbledore is an extremely powerful wizard." He muttered. He does not share the connection you do and even if he did he could control it. "While he may feel secure enough to use the name…" the Dark lord always feared him. "the rest of us…" He has never had to experience servitude to the monster, he doesn't understand why some fear the name, and he was never as deeply affected as the rest of us. Unconsciously he was rubbing his forearm but he stopped when he noticed that the boy was watching.
"I just wanted to know," Potter began with obvious faked politeness in his voice. "why-"
"You seem to have visited the snake's mind because that was where the Dark Lord was at that particular moment." Snape snarled. "He was possessing the snake at the time so you dreamed you were inside it, too."
"And Vol – he – realized I was there?"
"It seems so." Snape said coolly, finally the boy was catching on. Took long enough.
"How do you know?" He asked urgently. "Is this just Professor Dumbledore guessing, or -?"
"I told you," Snape seethed, sitting rigid in his chair and eyeing the boy through slitted eyes. "to call me sir."
"Yes sir," Potter said impatiently, "but how do you know-?"
"It is enough that we know." He said repressively. "The important point is that the Dark Lord is now aware that you are gaining access to his thoughts and feelings. He has also deduced that the process is likely to work in reverse; that is to say, he has realized that he might be able to access your thoughts and feelings in return-"
"And he might try and make me do things? Sir?" Potter asked, only just managing to remember the use of his title.
"He might." Snape said coldly, completely unconcerned. Finally the boy has gotten the point. "Which brings us back to Occlumency." Here he halted the conversation and drew his wand tip to his temple, slowly removing his own memories, it would do no good for the boy to see, if by the freak chance that he even managed to penetrate into his mind… Potter did not need to see his shame, or discover things he was not yet meant to know. When the last thread of silvery memory had been dropped into the basin he stood, offering the boy no explanation, and moved to the other side of the desk. "Stand up and take out you wand, Potter. You may use your wand to attempt to disarm me, or defend yourself in any other way you can think of."
"And what are you going to do?" He asked, sounding more than a little nervous.
"I am about to attempt to break into your mind. We are going to see how well you resist. I have been told that you show an aptitude at resisting the Imperius curse. You will find that similar powers are needed for this… brace yourself, now. Legilimens!" Instantly foreign images burst into Snape's line of vision, a five year old Potter watching a whale of a child riding a red bicycle, jealousy etched into his face; a group of repulsive people laughing as a dog yapped with its face turned upward to the boy it chased up the tree; the sorting hat being placed onto the boy's head whispering faint notions of Slytherin; the Granger girl laying in the hospital wing covered in ridiculous amounts of black fur, hundreds of dementors closing in around the boy by the lake, the Chang girl from Hufflepuff coming towards Potter, briefly glancing up at the mistletoe above them.
Potter had fallen to the floor and Snape's hand jerked as a sharp pain radiated from his wrist. He rubbed it, trying to force it away as the boy looked up.
"Did you mean to produce a stinging hex?" he asked.
"No."
"I thought not." He said, unimpressed. The boy would need more than unintentional hexes to learn to repel Legilimency properly. "You let me get in too far. You lost control."
"Did you see everything I saw?" Potter asked, feigning curiosity to cover the worry in his voice.
"Flashes of it." He admitted, his lip curling with distaste as the memory of Chang coming towards Potter replayed in his head. "To whom did the dog belong?" he asked, thinking that perhaps he should acquire such a dog.
"My aunt Marge."
"Well for a first attempt that was not as poor as it might have been," He said, raising his wand again, "You managed to stop me eventually, though you wasted time and energy shouting. You must remain focused. Repel me with your brain and you will not need to resort to your wand."
"I'm trying." The boy said angrily. "but you're not telling me how."
"Manners, Potter." Snape said dangerously, why did this boy constantly refuse to grant him the title of sir? "Now I want you to close your eyes." The boy shot him a filthy look before doing so. "Clear your mind, Potter, let go of all emotion." He instructed, but the boy was still seething, dwelling on the anger he felt towards him. "You're not doing it Potter…" this entire lesson is a farce. "You will need more discipline than this…" How could Albus expect such a Dunderhead to master something as complex as Occlumency? "Focus now…" He was wasting his time. "Let's go again…" This attempt wasn't going to be any different. "On the count of three…" Potter wasn't ready." One – two – three – Legilimens."
More images exploded into his brain, a black dragon rearing higher and higher; James Potter and Lily waving to the child from the mirror of Erised; the Diggory boy, blank eyed and staring…
"NOOOOOOO!" Potter screamed, he was on his knees again, his face buried in his hands.
"Get up!" Snape said sharply, the image of Lily waving from the mirror still fresh in his mind. "Get up! You are not trying, you are making no effort. You are allowing me access to memories you fear, handing me weapons!" He was angrier than he should have been, in one of his jars he caught the sight of his reflection, much paler than normal before he quickly looked away.
"I – am – making – an – effort." The boy said through gritted teeth as he clambered to his feet.
"I told you to empty yourself of emotion."
"Yeah? Well, I'm finding that hard at the moment." The boy snarled.
"Then you will find yourself easy prey for the Dark Lord!" Snape said savagely. Much like myself, I couldn't stop it, if only I'd known. "Fools who wear their hearts proudly on their sleeves, who cannot control their emotions, who wallow in sad memories and allow themselves to be provoked so easily – weak people, in other words – they stand no chance against his powers! He will penetrate you mind with absurd ease, Potter!" much like he did mine, in the beginning…
"I am not weak." The boy objected.
"Then prove it! Master yourself!" he spat. Learn to do what I didn't… until it was too late… "Control your anger, discipline your mind! We shall try it again! Get ready, now! Legilimens!"
For a third time his vision filled with images that did not belong to him, A fat man with a mustache hammering a letterbox shut, hundreds of dementors drifting across the lake, the boy running down a windowless passage, faster and faster, anticipation and excitement evident in his thoughts as he drew nearer…
"I KNOW! I KNOW!" He yelled, once again collapsed to all fours on the floor.
"What happened then, Potter?" Snape asked.
"I saw – I remembered, I've just realized." He stammered.
"Realized what?" Snape demanded. There was a long pause as he waited, dreading what he could hear, eventually the boy looked up.
"What's in the Department of Mysteries?" He asked.
"What did you say?" Snape asked, unnerved. It is too late, the Dark Lord has already begun placing images into his mind, he wants to know what is there, the Dark Lord is ensuring it because he reaches for the same goal, he will have to work harder than ever, this can not continue.
"I said, what's in the Department of Mysteries?" He repeated.
"And why," Snape began slowly, "would you ask such a thing?"
"Because," Potter began, watching Snape closely, "that corridor I've just seen – I've been dreaming about it – it leads to the department of mysteries… and I think Voldemort wants something from-"
"I have told you not to say the Dark Lord's name!" They both glared at each other before Snape continued, trying to appear unconcerned. "There are many things in the Department of Mysteries, Potter, few of which you would understand and none of which concern you. Do I make myself plain?"
"Yes."
"I want you to come back here on Wednesday. We will continue work then." He instructed, it was not nearly fast enough for what the boy needed, but he had no other time in his schedule.
"Fine."
"You are to rid your mind of all emotion every night before sleep; empty it, make it blank and calm, you understand?" If you are smart enough to do so the dreams will not continue.
"Yes." He responded but he was barely listening.
"And be warned, Potter…" He called, trying to make the boy pay attention. "I shall know if you have not practiced."
"Right." The boy said dispassionately while he retrieved his bag and left the room. Snape waited until he was gone before retrieving his memories and placing them back into his mind. He would have to alert Dumbledore that what they had suspected was already happening, that the Dark Lord was already influencing the boy's desires, making him wish for the prophecy even though he had no idea what it was, but something else was diverting his attention. The image of Lily, smiling and waving from the mirror refused to leave him. Perhaps the headmaster could wait… if the boy had found the mirror surely he could as well… he needed to know exactly what it was that he would see.
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His initial search of the castle was fruitless, every room he entered was empty, and every corner he searched lacked the mirror. Finally he decided to resort to the room of requirement, pacing in front of the blank stretch of wall, repeating the same request in his head until the solid oak door appeared. Through the door he met a stone stairway that led down and as he climbed he could feel the temperature drop by a few degrees as if he were descending into his own dungeons. Had the mirror been moved since Quirrel had attempted to seize the philosopher's stone?
Finally he reached another doorway and when he stepped through he received his answer, it had not been moved. The chamber was the same as when he watched Dumbledore place the mirror in it over four years ago.
Leaving the door open so that he could exit the same way he came, Snape strode towards the mirror with determination before a sudden thought struck him and he faltered, freezing in his tracks. What if he didn't see Lily? What if he saw himself serving the monster that had looked into this mirror four years ago, the man who he was still secretly drawn to but was also repulsed by? Would he see himself serving Lily's murderer? Self doubt battled his mind. Had he truly reformed? Sure he served Dumbledore, but he was still fascinated by the dark arts… was fighting them enough? Would protecting Harry against his wishes be enough to draw him out of the dark? I don't enjoy doing it…
For long moments he stared at the mirror, neither able to advance and face what he feared would be there, or retreat and not know what he could have seen. Finally, after what seemed an eternity he stepped forward, placing him self fully into the mirror's reflective line of view and seeing himself stare back.
His first impression was that the mirror was broken, that Quirrel had damaged it and somehow destroyed its magic because he only saw his reflection staring back at him, a bewildered expression evident on his face. This couldn't be right, only the happiest man on earth should be able to see that, Merlin knew he was not the happiest man on earth. The mirror had to be broken, that was the only explanation. He was just about to turn away, to scoff at himself for entertaining such foolish ideas when the image began to change.
The mirror Snape's expression changed to one of mild surprise as slowly but surely another figure faded into sight. He watched, transfixed as green eyes materialized and beautiful red hair fell softly to the second figure's shoulders as she condensed and darkened, becoming a real reflection.
She was there, despite everything he'd done, despite that it was entirely his fault and that he didn't deserve to see her she was there, her image smiling up at the mirror Snape, taking his hand and leaning in close. The mirror Snape smiled and drew her into a hug, rocking her gently. When they pulled apart another figure slowly began to appear, it was a girl, probably eight years old. Her eyes and hair were the deepest coal like his but her hair was luxurious like Lily's, not at all greasy like his and she had Lily's heart shaped face and petite nose. For the first time Snape noticed the gold that glinted, reflecting the light from each of their ring fingers and even though he fought it a sob clawed its way out of him. The mirror girl smiled up at Lily and Snape saw Lily's mouth form the name 'Eileen' as she gazed down at the child.
It was too much, tears began to leak down his face as another child appeared, a boy nearly 5 with his angular features but her red hair and green eyes faded in next to the girl, smiling at his parents and sister. Another sob escaped from him but he couldn't, wouldn't, look away, it was at the same time terrible and beautiful, possible and impossible, cruel and kind.
The mirror Snape gently kissed Lily and the real Snape's vision clouded with tears, he rubbed furiously at his eyes, telling himself that he was being foolish but when he brought his hand away he kept watching the mirror, unable to tear his gaze away as a tiny baby with a puff of black hair appeared in Lily's arms, reaching out it's miniscule hand and wrapping it around Snape's spidery finger.
Snape placed a hand against the glass, wishing to fall through, to leave his own reality and live in the blissful imagination of the mirror. He didn't care that it wasn't real, didn't care that it could never be, he could watch it forever, could live it through sight till he perished in front of the mirror's enchanted pane.
"Good evening, Severus." A calm voice said from behind him. Snape rubbed his eyes again; trying to remove any trace of wetness before turning around, only one person could have found him down here.
"Good evening Albus." He attempted his normal drawl, but his voice sounded constricted and tight. I'm a disgrace. Albus gazed at the younger man, quiet understanding etched into his features before he walked over to join him by the mirror, permanently dissolving the image by placing more than one person in the mirror's sight. Snape sighed as it disappeared, staring at his normal, red eyed reflection.
"I'll admit, Severus, that I didn't think you susceptible to this sort of magic." He said quietly, watching his own, purple robed figure in the mirror.
"Neither did I." Snape admitted, watching his own reflection with more concentration than ever, not wanting to look at the headmaster. There was a long pause before Dumbledore spoke again.
"It is not a good thing to wonder, Severus; you're only putting yourself through more pain." He said gently. Snape didn't respond. He would take the pain, just to see her again; he would kill himself if it meant that she could live. "Lily wouldn't have wanted you to put yourself through this."
"Lily thought that I was a death eater through and through, she stopped caring about me the day I called her mudblood." He said scornfully. If he had only held his temper in check, if he hadn't of called her that nasty word none of this would have happened.
"It is impossible to say for sure but something tells me that she didn't relinquish all feeling for you, it is my opinion that she was just… disappointed in your choice of action." Dumbledore said reasonably.
"Even so, that doesn't change anything."
"Neither does the mirror." The headmaster pointed out softly. Snape nodded.
"I won't come here again." He promised.
"I thought you wouldn't. However, I'm going to have it moved again none the less. Sometimes our own promises are impossible to keep when faced with something we desire so." He said solemnly, Snape looked up and saw that Dumbledore too was staring determinedly into the mirror as if he craved for some image that could not be to appear. Did Dumbledore see riches and fortune when he looked into the mirror? Or did he see something more personal?
A flaring pain in his left forearm cause Snape to abandon that subject of thought, he clutched the dark mark, trying to alleviate the burning while Dumbledore watched him with alarm.
"I assume that you must go?" He asked.
"Yes." Snape grunted through the pain. In long purposeful strides he headed for the door that would take him back to the room of requirement.
"Severus?" Albus called when he was halfway across the room. Snape turned around and cast the headmaster a questioning gaze. "It is some people's belief that on rare occasions the mirror will show people what could have been." Snape quickly turned back around and marched toward the doorway even faster. How could Dumbledore say such a thing? Even he didn't deserve such a brutal stab in a long ago unhealed wound. "Severus?" Dumbledore called again as Snape stepped into the doorway. Snape paused to show that he was listening but didn't turn around. "It is my personal belief, that on even rarer cases still, the mirror will show people what they deserve." Snape stood, frozen in the doorway, head bowed in grateful thanks as well as shame that he could have thought the headmaster cruel.
"I'll come straight to your office when I return. There is much we need to discuss." He said quietly.
"Of course. Good luck." Dumbledore acknowledged, knowing that Snape's soft spoken words were that of apology.
Snape exited the room, leaving the door open for whenever Dumbledore should decide to follow him and climbed the many stairs. Tonight he would attend the Death Eater meeting, knowing for the first time that he was not truly one of them.
He was protecting Lily Evan's son, he was her servant, and he was repaying his debt to her because she had been his only friend.