It had been a while since anyone had brought her coffee in bed.
The rich aroma hit her nostrils before the cup was placed, and the space beside her sank gently as Janet did. Bianca didn't move. Eyes shut, with a burgeoning sense of amusement, she observed without observing. Janet turned her head looking from one end of the bed to the other. She pushed her hair behind her ears, and with a sturdy flick of her hand, she wiped a small amount of dust from the bedside table. Janet's shoulders sunk, and Bianca stilled herself as she heard an exasperated breath puncturing the air of the bedroom.
Bianca took in every sound, every movement. Waiting just enough, learning every facet of Janet's impatience.
"Do you always sleep this long on a weekend?" Janet asked.
Bianca barely opened an eye before shutting it again. Just as she peaked an eye open, Janet leaned to the side and allowed a blinding ray of sun to streak past her. She chuckled as Bianca quickly moved her hand in front of her eyes.
"Don't you believe in curtains?" Bianca asked.
"Oh I don't know, you and your naked self might give something new for the neighbours to talk about."
"I'm wearing a sheet," she said, pulling herself and the sheet to a sitting position.
"And if I closed the curtain?"
"Then I guess the neighbours will just have to use their imagination," Bianca replied.
Janet's smirk was filled with intentions.
She stood up again, and surveyed the room before casually glancing back at Bianca. Her eyes clumsily wandered from Bianca's eyes, to her lips, and back again, while the rest of Janet remained rigid and fixed. She wanted to see how long she could keep the other woman guessing before making her intentions clear. But she was yet to learn that Bianca wasn't the impatient type, particularly when it came to her.
Bianca would often find moments like this where she would be flung between confusion and concern. Her inner dialog would analyse every lilt in Janet's voice, how often her eyes would fix on her lips, and how determined Janet was to bridge physical distances. But now, while she still had her concerns, she tried to rein them in. Just waiting, trying very carefully not to give herself away.
With Janet, she never had to wait too long. When Janet wanted something, she made her offer quite clear, and Bianca had yet to find a reason to say no.
Crossing her feet, Janet's posture relaxed. She wrapped her arms so loosely around her frame, that Bianca almost thought she had changed her mind. About to ask the question, she thought better of it and decided to play along. Sighing softly, Bianca leant her head against her hand, and carefully positioned herself comfortably on the pillow. It took all her self control not to laugh at herself. So to cover her own deceit, she encouraged an over exaggerated yawn to help complete the picture of disinterest.
Janet arched an eyebrow, and tipped her head to one side. It was a personal salute, and the closest she would get to admitting defeat. Janet turned around and shut the curtains. When she turned back, her steps were slow and casual, but she kept her hands in her pockets, stilling her nervousness, and every surprising flutter in her stomach.
"How long does this last?" Janet asked, sitting beside Bianca.
Bianca forgot the game they were playing, and focused on every instinct she had to quickly squash her unexpected anxiety.
"I... Don't know what you mean. I thought we were—"
Janet reached out her hand to Bianca. Gently holding her arm, smoothing it, helping Bianca lay back down to her previous relaxed position.
"Not that," Janet replied, letting her hand trail gently along Bianca's face. "What I meant to say is, that I enjoy your company... And..." Janet stopped to lift Bianca's face. Turning it ever so slightly, before deciding to gently kiss her, and pull away again. "...I haven't dated anyone in a long time, and I think I've forgotten how long the initial butterflies linger."
"Oh that... Well I guess it depends on the person."
Janet watched Bianca mulling over her question. Her eyes were evasive, and Janet wasn't sure if Bianca was completely convinced about her earlier statement. Neither of them had made any great declarations about what this was, and it had gone on for two months now. Eventually one of them would need to make it clear.
"We never really dated did we? I mean we've been out, had dinner, drank far too much wine," Bianca nodded. "But I never asked you out," Janet said.
Bianca sat a little straighter in bed. Without the morning sun peering through the window she was starting to feel a chill creep up her back. Bianca adjusted the sheet around her. Straightening it, so it sat neatly across her chest as she looked over at Janet. "You've asked me to stay a few times, and to be fair I haven't asked you out either. We ah... We do spend a lot of time here."
"I like here," Janet offered. Her voice was low in her throat, and she held Bianca's gaze firmly, without retreat.
"Janet, I think I've forgotten your question."
Janet smiled at Bianca's admission.
"So have I."
Janet narrowed her gaze, and closed the distance, allowing the coffee to go cold.
.
.
The sun sat somewhere above them now, and a cloud made it's way across the sun. The light was softer, and cooler, turning the room into a paler shade of blue. The sheet that Bianca had graced herself in was now in a crumpled pile. It had been kicked and pushed till it barely held itself at the end of the bed. In it's place was some heavenly mix of wool and cashmere, loosely wrapped around Bianca with Janet tugging at its edges.
"Do you really need that much blanket?"
"Yes," Bianca answered.
"Are you serious?" Janet asked, propping her head above the pillow.
Bianca's lip twitched. She tried to cover it by pulling in her bottom lip, but Janet wasn't buying it and swatted her playfully with a throw pillow. Bianca pushed the pillow aside, leaving it to fall somewhere amongst the crumpled sheet and Janet's dressing gown. Forgetting the pillow, she quickly moved on to drawing lazy circles along Janet's arm.
"You're cold," Bianca noted, tapping her fingers along Janet's goosebumps.
"I did allude to that."
Bianca smiled, and opened the blanket for Janet.
"You really are cold Janet," Bianca said, shivering as she came into contact.
"I thought my goosebumps would have given it away," Janet said, brushing off Bianca's growing concern as she tried to wrap the other woman tight.
"I thought maybe—"
"You thought?" Janet asked.
"Well, I thought maybe the goosebumps were those butterflies you mentioned."
"I thought you had forgotten."
"I didn't forget. I just reprioritised," Bianca clarified.
Janet became relaxed under the blanket, and one by one her goosebumps started disappearing. The last lingering reminder of the cold was quickly kissed away by Bianca, and Janet just rolled her eyes at the gesture.
"Do you really want them to go away?" Bianca asked.
Bianca tickled the side of Janet's neck. Her fingers barely touched her skin, and she could feel every fine hair. In return, Janet's neck tightened, fighting every urge to give away how ticklish she really was.
"No, yes, I'm not sure," Janet replied, ducking away from Bianca's tickling.
"It's only fair you know."
"Fair?" Janet asked.
"You make me nervous, so I should make you—."
Stopping her sentence Bianca watched Janet duck her head and laugh.
"What's so funny?" Bianca asked.
Janet pulled back slightly and nudged the blanket so it neatly covered Bianca's shoulders. "You, me, we, in this... Whatever this is, it's just not what I expected."
"What do you mean?"
Janet saw Bianca's concern wash over her expression again. She didn't understand what made the other woman so insecure, but part of her felt this could be her fault. She had often been called cold, and uncaring; some what controlling. To be fair, she was capable of all of those things, but too often people misread her focus for indifference. When she was young she overcompensated with apologies. As an adult, impatient, and weary with misunderstandings, she simply remained aloof; allowing only a chosen few to see her as she was without apology.
Bianca was special. She was kind, insightful, and genuine. What she found in Bianca was balance and a sense of possibility. Perhaps Bianca needed more. Perhaps she needed more than playful touches and frequent sex; maybe Bianca just needed her to say it.
"You make me feel young— excited. As if the world is full of possibility again."
Bianca heard the words without analysis or observation. They surrounded her with a warmth that stilled every thought, and every feeling; and she stayed there, wordless and stunned.
Janet smiled at her, and moved in to kiss Bianca's forehead. As she touched her, she kept her lips there and offered a silent prayer of thanks to a god she seldom believed in. Smiling against her skin, Janet opened her eyes and pulled away to meet Bianca's once more.
"I love you," Bianca uttered.
The room went still, the clocks stopped ticking, and the street outside became quiet. Bianca's eyes widened, "Oh shit, I said it didn't I? Shit, I was going to—"
"You were going to what?" Janet asked, trying not to smile too much.
"Wait, I was going to wait. At least I was going to tell you in a place where you had more room to escape. You know, if the idea horrified you."
Janet traced her fingers along Bianca's face, "the idea of you loving me is hardly horrific."
"Maybe not," Bianca closed her eyes, moving her face away from Janet's hand.
"But the idea of me not saying it in return is," Janet offered.
Bianca's eyes gently fluttered open, and very carefully she looked up at Janet.
Janet brought her hand back to hold Bianca's face once more. Her skin was soft and warm, and she cradled her face gently, and with reverence as she brought her lips to her own. Their kiss was quiet, and still. It sat in the air between them, lingering between the words they had spoken, and the ones they had yet to say. Janet opened her eyes first, and watched slowly as Bianca's waited on her.
"You're very patient Bianca. You're kind, thoughtful, and immensely intoxicating, but — I guess what I love about you most is your warmth."
Bianca kept blinking. She wasn't sure she heard what Janet said, only what she hoped Janet had said.
"Now can I please have more of the blanket? I'm getting cold."
"Oh, what?… Yes of course."
Bianca not realising till now how much of the blanket she had taken back, swept the blanket off herself and around Janet. Unconcerned with how little she was now covered, she tucked the other woman up like a child.
"You know, I was warmer with you beside me," Janet said, opening the blanket for Bianca.
Bianca smiled and motioned herself into Janet's arms.
"I love you. I think I should be clear about that," Janet whispered in her ear.
Bianca closed her eyes, she felt her whole body relax. Staying in the moment, she sensed Janet's breathing soften to meet her own. She heard the way the pillow scrunched as Janet lengthened her neck to rest more comfortably. With one arm exposed outside the blanket, Bianca felt a flutter of goosebumps pave their way across her skin.
"Are you cold?" Janet asked.
Bianca brought her arm back inside the blanket. She found Janet's hand and held it gently. She stroked her thumb against Janet's hand in careful, considered measures. She let her eyes watch Janet unabashedly as Janet's eyes sparkled, and her smile deepened. Being completely surrounded by Janet and the blanket did nothing to still her goosebumps, and she thought how special it was to experience such a thing, for however long it lasted.
"No, I'm not cold, and neither are you," Bianca replied.
Janet heard a confirmation in Bianca's words, an acceptance. There was a harmony between her and this incredible woman. A finally tuned understanding, that a person did not need to change who or what they were to be accepted; that one personality could balance the other, separately and together, they were fine as they were.
"And the goosebumps?" Janet asked, quietly tracing their path along her skin, without looking away.
Bianca smiled, lifting her head a little, considering them further.
"I guess we can call them the consequences of wishful thinking."