Helen and Joe are Janet's creations, these alternative rhymes are mine.
(What used to be Jack and Jill):
HELEN AND JOE WENT UP A HILL
TO BITCH AND MOAN TOGETHER
JOE FELL DOWN AND BROKE A BONE
AND HELEN LANDED ON HER ASS RIGHT AFTER
###
(To the tune of It's Raining, It's Pouring):
IT'D BEEN RAINING, SHE WAS POURING
HELEN PLUM REALLY SHOULD BE SNORING
BUT SHE FELL INTO BED AND BUMPED HER HEAD
NOW SHE WON'T BE ALIVE IN THE MORNING
###
(There Was An Old Woman Who Lived In A Shoe):
THERE IS AN OLD WOMAN WHO LIVES IN THE BURG
SHE USED TO HAVE CHILDREN, NOW THEY THINK SHE'S ABSURD
SHE BITCHED THEM OUT UNTIL THEY FLED
NOW THEY'RE HAPPY AND SHE'S CLOSE TO DEAD
###
(Twinkle Twinkle Little Star):
TINKLE, TINKLE GOES THE ICE
WHISKEY SEEMS TO BE HER FAVORITE VICE
DOWN IT GOES SO SMOOTH AND STRONG
LETS HER ESCAPE HER PROBLEMS ALL DAY LONG
TINKLE, TINKLE THERE SHE GOES
WHERE SHE'LL SLEEP TONIGHT NOBODY KNOWS
HER HUSBAND'S GONE AND HER KIDS ARE TOO
HELEN PLUM FINALLY GOT HER DUE
###
(To the tune of Soft Kitty)
WINE SIPPER, WHISKEY SIPPER
BREATH REEKING OF BOOZE
HATEFUL WOMAN, SPITEFUL WOMAN
STEW, STEW, STEW
###
(Humpty Dumpty);
JOE AND HELEN PERCHED ON A WALL
ONE, THEN THE OTHER, TOOK A GREAT FALL
ALL THE BURG GOSSIPS, AND ALL THE TOWN'S MEN
COULDN'T CONTROL THEIR LAUGHTER, KARMA WINS AGAIN