The Forces of Mordor!
Sauron's Brutal War Machine which nearly toppled the free peoples of Middle Earth.
The Horde!
A collection of peoples who fight with savagery and Honor.
Who is Deadliest?
To find out, some dork has spent several hours combing various wiki's, doing math coversions, and then doing comparisons between fictional weapons and their real world counter parts!
"I have the worst luck with narrators," Ranger muttered.
And he dragged his crazy younger brother into doing the medical crap!
"I want blood and violence!" Redwingjohn proclaimed waving a sickle in the air.
Last but not least he called in a friend who is a liscened gun owner to do the weapons test.
"I'm just here to watch stuff get turned into salsa," Joe said simply.
Quick cut to the three testers standing around a table with assorted swords, axes, bows, clubs, maces, guns, and pole arms.
"Okay so our match today is slightly different from regular Deadliest Warrior," Ranger explained.
"How so?" Joe asked.
"Well rather than have 2 warriors going toe to toe we got five warriors going up against each other," Ranger explained. "On the one side we have the Forces of Mordor, Sauron's death machine."
"You know I don't do well with melee weapons," Joe dead panned.
"Well thats why they're going up against the Horde," Ranger replied.
"And who are we bringing to the table?" Redwingjohn asked.
"First up, the orcs of both sides," Ranger explained.
Mordor Orc:
Armor- Platemail
Height- 5'3
Weight- 160 lbs
"Short and stocky ain't they," Redwingjohn replied.
"And what exactly do we know about Mordor orcs?" Joe asked.
"Tolkien was rather scyzophrenic on the Orcs origins," Ranger explained. "One version says Sauron made them, another says they were elves who were tortured by Morgoth until the became Orcs."
"Lovely," Joe said dryly. "Morgoth might have developed genetc engineering several thousand years before anyone even knew what genes are."
"Tolkien doesn't go into much details into the Orcs beyond their apperance and behavior," Ranger explained. "They are almost universally loyal to Sauron but that loyalty is driven by fear."
Fighting for the Orcs of Mordor, Gothmog the lieutenant of Minas Morgul!
"The Master's might shall not be questioned," Gothmog hissed. "We shall crush all before us."
"And on the other side we have the Orcs of the Horde," Ranger resumed.
Horde Orc:
Armor- Plate Armor
Height- 6'8
Weight- 220 lbs
"And what do we got on them?" Joe asked.
"The Orcs of the Horde were formally a collection Orc clans living on the world of Draenor before they were subjugated by the Demons of the Burning Legion," Ranger explained. "The were defeated by the Alliance of Lorderaen in the Second war and forced into interment camps until the Warchief Thrall freed them and returned them to their Shamanic Roots and restored their honor in the third war."
Fighting for the Orcs of the Horde Overlord Varok Suarfang, Azeroth's own Chuck Norris.
"The Horde once lost its way," Saurfang explained. "We gave up on honor and our souls. We fought to gain them back. We shall never forsake our honor."
"Well Elephant in the room here," Redwingjohn said. "The Orcs of the Horde have over a foot of height and sixty pounds on the Mordor orcs."
"And they have superior armor," Joe added.
"True," Ranger agreed. "But odds are the Mordor Orcs won't fight fair. Honor means nothing to them."
"You said we have five warriors," Joe stated. "Who are the rest?"
"Well of course we have the Urk-hai," Ranger stated.
Urk-hai
Armor- Plate armor
Height- 6'8
Weight- 200 lbs
"So whats the story behind the Urk-hai?" Joe asked.
"The Urk-hai are basically superior versions of the regular Orcs," Ranger explained. "There had been large orcs who had been able to ignore the weaknesses of smaller Orcs for years. Saruman perfected the breeding and mass production of Urk-hai to build his own army. But plenty ended up in Sauron's army."
Fighting for the Urk-hai, captian Shagrat! The former commander of the Tower of Cirth Ungol.
"We shall rip them apart," Shagrat snarled. "They will break before our fury and we shall cut them down as they flee!"
"And against them we have the undead Forsaken," Ranger said.
Forsaken
Armor- Plate mail
Height- 5'5
Weight- 120 lbs
"Zombies!" Joe yelled pulling out an AA-12 automatic shot gun.
"Whoa Joe calm down!" Ranger exclaimed. "The Forsaken have their own minds! The victims of the Plauge of Undeath, under the Banshee Queen Sylvanas Windrunner they broke free of the Scourge and established themselves as a power! They joined the Horde as an alliance of conveince first before some truly found a place in the Horde."
"So they aren't going to try and eat us?" Joe checked.
"Na," Deathstalker Commander Belmont said. "I ate before I got here."
Deathstalker Commander Belmont! Hand of the Dark Lady and Black Ops veteran.
"So thoughts on these two?" Ranger asked.
"Well the Urk-hai is physically superior to the Forsaken," Joe stated. "But I know enough about Zombie to know that if ones intelligent then you're in trouble."
"Next?" Redwingjohn asked.
"The Haradrim Warriors," Ranger replied.
Haradrim Warrior
Armor- Leather
Height- 5'6
Weight- 170 lbs
"The Haradrim have a long standing fued with the Numernoreans," Ranger explained. "Since Sauron was opposed to the Numernoreans the Haradrim joined up. These guys are feirce and wild but they've got some pretty wicked weapons."
Fighting for the desert Warriors of Harad, Kal Ubaadah!
"This Horde is nothing," Ubaadah scoffed. "We shall stomp them under the feet of our Mumakil!"
"Did he just say Mumakil?" Joe asked.
"And against them the Horde sends the Trolls of the Darkspear tribe," Ranger said ignoring Joe.
Darkspear Troll
Armor- Composite
Height- 7'7
Weight- 195 lbs
"Seriously did that guy say Mumakil?" Joe repeated.
"The Darkspear Trolls are Jungle trolls of the southern isles," Ranger explained. "Driven from Stranglethron Vale they fled to an island chain before they came under attack from a seawitch's murloc servants. With the aid of the Horde they escaped and established themselves in southern Durotar. The Darkspears are some of the best behaved and noblest trolls in the world."
"Ranger, Mumakil!" Joe exclaimed.
Representing the Darkspears, Shadow Hunter Rokhan!
"We bled for da Horde," Rokhan stated. "We died for da Horde and da Horde stand wit us."
"Thoughts gentlemen?" Ranger asked.
"MUMAKIL!" Joe yelled.
"Yes!" Ranger said with exasperation. "The Haradrim are bringing a Mumakil, its Mordor's speacil weapon."
"Then whats the Horde bringing?" Joe asked.
"A Demolisher tank," Redwingjohn replied.
"Wait what?"
"Now we get to the fancy warriors of both sides," Ranger stated. "For Mordor we've got the Easterlings."
Easterling
Armor- Splinted Armor
Height- 5'7
Weight- 175 lbs
"The term Easterling is a general term used to describe the various peoples east of the inland sea of Rhun," Ranger explained. "Long ago they fought alongside the elves before they turned against them at the Battle of Unnumbered Tears. Now they fight for Sauron and form the most disciplined and organized forces in his armies."
"So these guys are the cream of the Crop of Mordor's armies," Joe checked.
"Exactly," Ranger replied.
"Well that should help shore up some of the weaknesses of the Orcs," Joe stated.
Marching for the Easterlings, Omal Ulfang.
"The men of east do not know fear," Ulfang stated. "We know only strength and power. Power the Dark Lord has give us."
"And against them we have the Sin'dorei, or Blood Elves, of Quel'thalas," Ranger stated.
Blood Elf
Armor- Chain mail
Height- 5'6
Weight- 145 lbs
"What exactly are elves doing fighting alongside Orcs, Trolls, and Undead?" Joe asked.
"The Sin'dorei were once Quel'dorei, or High elves," Ranger explained. "They were attacked by the Scourge however and suffered massive losses, hundreds of thousands of elves were killed. When the last member of the Royal family, Prince Kael'thas Sunstrider, arrived he declared a rebirth for his people calling them Sin'dorei, or Blood Elves, in memeroy of their fallen people. Suffering from an arcane addiction the Blood Elves began draining energy from Demons to sustain themselves. Kael'thas eventually went insane and tried to bring the Demon Lord Kil'Jaden into Azeroth so he was killed. The Blood Elves are now lead by Regent Lord Lor'themar Theron."
"Still didn't answer my question," Joe deadpanned.
"The Blood Elves were kicked out of the Alliance," Ranger explained. "Sylvanas Windrunner was the former Ranger General of Quel'thalas so she invited them to join the Horde."
"I see."
Bringing the Highborn to war, Lieutenant Dawnstrider of the Farstriders.
"The Blood Elves," Dawnstrider said, "have faced the worst the world can throw at us. We have been slaughtered, betrayed, and vilified but we endure. With the Horde, we are among brothers."
"Thoughts?" Ranger asked.
"Well right off the back the Easterling has thrity pounds on the elf," Redwingjohn replied.
"And better armor," Joe added. "Chain mail isn't much against arrows and spears."
"Last of all the Heavy duty warriors," Ranger stated. "For Mordor, we have the Cave Troll."
Cave Troll
Armor- Thick hide
Height- 11'8
Weight- 1 Ton
"Damn those guys are big," Joe said.
"Well supposedly their mockery's of the Ents of Middle Earth," Ranger replied. "They're not that bright but their big, strong, and can take a lot of pain."
"No troll expert?" Redwingjohn checked.
"The ones we tried to get either died or tried to kill us," Ranger deadpanned.
"Well who are the Trolls opposed by?" Joe asked.
"The Tauren," Ranger answered.
Tauren
Armor- Leather armor
Height- 7'9
Weight- 750 lbs
"The Tauren," Ranger began, "Were once a nomadic people, following the Kodo herds. Then the Centaur began to attack them in force and they began to take serious loses. With the aid of the Orcs they defeated the Centaur and established a permenant home in the grasslands of Mulgore."
"So their Minotaurs?" Redwingjohn checked.
"Well that's a bit of a gross generalization," Ranger replied, "but true."
Fighting for the Tauren, Bluff Runner Windstrider.
"The Tauren are at one with the world around us," Windstrider replied. "We've faced the worst and still we stand proud."
"Thoughts?"
"Ranger the Troll's got several hundred pounds on the Tauren and about four feet," Redwingjohn deadpanned.
"I have to agree," Joe replied. "Unless the Tauren's got some good weapons they're screwed."
"Well we aren't going to get any answers without testing some weapons," Ranger replied.
"Let's get to it," Joe replied.
"Shouldn't you explain how the sim will work?" John asked.
"Well its going to be a Forty-five on Forty-five battle," Ranger explained. "This way we get a nice even spread of troops. Both sides will have a siege weapon and a Speacil weapon. All our warriors are bringing two weapons to test."
"So we've got twenty-two weapons to test?" Joe checked.
"And then we have X factors to consider," Ranger added.
"Well like you said we'd better get on it," Joe said.
First up the main line infantry! Orc against Orc. For melee weapons the Orcs of Mordor bring, the Scimitar!
Scimitar
Material- Iron
Length- 2 feet 11 inches.
Gothmog drew out his black Scimitar.
"This blade has gutted plenty of humans," he stated. "It is light, easy to work with in close quarters, and can take a mans arm off."
"But what about one of us?" Saurfang growled. "That little thing might give me a paper cut if you're lucky."
He swung out his massive battle axe.
"I put my faith in my axe."
Battle Axe
Material- Steel
Length- 4 feet 6 inches.
"It can cut a man in half unlike your little knife," Varok replied. "And its a higher quality construction as well."
"Well with talk like this we need to test 'em out," Ranger said excitedly.
Moments later the two were facing a pair each of Balistics gel torsos designed to look like an Orc of the opposing race. Two were also armored while the other two weren't. The Mordor Orc Torso has a small round shield with the lidless eye on it.
"Gentlemen," Joe began. "In this test we want to see how much damage you can do."
He motioned to the unarmored torsos.
"These two are the control guys. On these ones you can do what ever you want."
He then motioned to the the armored torsos.
"These two are the armored tests. Gothmog you'll have to get through the Horde's plate armor, Saurfang you have to get through a Mordor Platemail set."
"What's with all the jagged edges of the plates?" Saurfang asked concerning Gothmog's armor.
"It's to cut anyone stupid enough to go hand to hand with us to pieces," Gothmog replied a savage smirk crossing his hideous face.
"Also your both going to be wearing you respective armor while dealing with the armored torso. That ones to gauge who's armor offers the best range of motion," Joe continued. "Gothmog you're up first on the unarmored you have thirty seconds to do as much damage as you can to the torso."
Everyone cleared away as Gothmog readied his sword.
Then he struck stabbing the Torso in the gut. He yanked his blade out and slashed at the shoulder digging in. He pulled out and stabbed again going for the heart. He pulled out and then slashed at the neck. The torso shook and Gothmog slashed again and again until on his third strike the head came off.
"Time!" Joe called.
"Let's see the damage," John said pulling on some gloves.
Everyone crowded around the torso.
"Okay on your first stab," John said sticking a ruler into the wound. "You got six inches of penetration, thats a kill there. You took the head off another kill but it took you three strikes. The shoulder wound," he measured, "You hit bone and that held against the strike less than two inches damage. And the heart stab," he measured, "It got stuck in the ribcage it looks like and failed to pierce the heart. Its a wound but not lethal."
"So the score on the torso is two kills and two wounds." Joe recorded.
"Gothmog I noticed you seemed to be having some trouble getting your sword out sometimes," Ranger noted.
"Got stuck," Gothmog growled.
"My Axe won't get stuck," Saurfang replied.
"Maybe I should stick you," Gothmog snarled.
Shagrat laughed at this.
"Easy on the trash talk people," Joe warned. "Saurfang you're up."
Everyone backed off as Saurfang stepped up to his torso. Then with a roar he swung cut the torso in half with a single strike!
"Holy shit!" Ranger exclaimed.
Saurfang cut off the head with such force the torso fell from the stand. He brought his axe down on its chest and clove it open. There was a ping as the axe actually hit the floor.
"Time!" Joe called.
Saurfang backed off.
"Saurfang what the hell was that?" Joe asked as John stepped up to the torso.
"Orc Breserking," Saurfang answered. "We Orcs normally control our rage and unleash it in battle."
"Well it seems to make a difference," John replied. "Every single strike was an instant kill."
"Three strikes, three kills," Joe tallied. "One less strike than the scimitar but one more kill."
"Saurfang what do you think cost you the strike?" Ranger asked.
"If you're not making a kill or setting up for a kill then you have wasted a strike," Saurfang replied.
"So you put the extra effort into every blow," Ranger observed.
"Exactly," Saurfang replied.
"Well time for the armored tests," Joe said. "These guys have shock patches under their armor to tell us if you broke any bones or not from the impact.
They moved to the armored torsos.
"Okay Gothmog are you ready?" Joe asked.
Gothmog spat on the floor.
"You're going to have to clean that up," Joe said dryly. "Three. Two. One. CUT HIM!"
Gothmog stabbed for the belly but the armor held. He slashed for the arm only to be stopped again. He jabbed at the arm pits snarlling before striking at the neck. The Armor around the neck held however and Gothmog roared in frustration before stabbing his blade into the Orcs eye.
"Time!" Joe called.
John moved forward to inspect the carnage.
"Okay we got nothing on the chest, shock patch is clean, but..." He checked the arm pit wounds. "We have penetration under these massiive pauldrons, but because of the angle its not to deep. So a wound and the neck." He pulled down the mail around the neck to check a shock patch. "Shock patch tripped, that is a kill and of course the face stab."
"Gothmog I noticed that your attacks seemed to get more effective the more pissed off you got," Joe noted.
"Sauron does not accept failure." Gothmog answered.
"Well morale is an X factor in the sim so we have to take that under advisement," Ranger stated.
"One wound, two kills on this one for four strikes," John recorded.
"Saurfang you're up," Joe stated.
They cleared away from the Mordor Orc torso.
"Saurfang, the Mordor Orc has a shield so I want to see you either break that shield or break the arm okay?" Joe asked.
"Understood," Saurfang stated raising his axe.
"Three. Two. One..."
"Lok tar!" Ranger finished for Joe.
Saurfang roared and with his first strike clove the shield in half and spliting the arm in two. His second strike went to the chest which dented the armor but faled to peirce it. With his final strike he cut off its head and then for the hell of it split the helmet in half along with the skull.
"Okay," John said. "First off that was awesome."
"Thank you," Saurfang stated. Gothmog growled in frustration.
"We of course have two kills from the head and neck wounds," John said holding up the severed head. "It's just chunky jello in here."
"Nasty," Joe said.
"The arm wound is definatly going to cause a delayed kill or may cause a death by sheer pain and shock value," John stated. "As for the chest we have no peirce but..."
He pulled off the armor.
"We have a shock patch tripped and ..." He pointed to several crush bones. "Several broken ribs so this is a wound but not a kill."
"So thats two kills, a mortal wound, and a wound," Joe tallied.
"I have years of training and significantly greater muscle mass than Gothmog," Saurfang stated.
"Still Gothmog started doing exactly what you need to do to fight armored enemies, you go for sections where the armor is weakest," Ranger noted. "And in close quarters that scimitar is easier to work with."
Quick cut to the Battle of Osgilath.
Orcs take down armored Gondor soldiers and lightly or unarmored rangers in the ruins of Gondors former captial city.
This advantage of Close Quarters combat came to a head during the Battle of Osgilath were in the confused and brutal street fighting in the ruins Orc blades killed hundreds of men.
Back to the Fight Club...
"We need to settle this with ranged weapons," Joe stated.
Cut to a firing range with four more gel torso's like the previous four.
In ranged weapons the Orcs Mordor bring to bear, the Short bow!
Short Bow
Material- Wood and Horn
Range- 220 yards
"This bow is light, easy to carry, and has an excellent rate of fire," Gothmog explained. "The Horn makes it so that it has the power need to get through armor over short ranges."
"Bows like that are used to train children in Durotar," Saurfang replied before lifting up an orange plated rifle with two bayonets. "I put my faith in my street sweeper."
Warlords Street Sweeper! A pump action rifle with brutal power!
Warlord Street Sweeper
Material- Iron
Range- 120 yards
"So when did Orcs get guns?" Joe asked.
"During the Second and third war dwarves had access to gun powder weapons and used them to great effect," Saurfang explained. "Thrall wanted the Horde have a weapon that could match dwarven weaponry.
"I notice that its entirely encased in metal does that present a problem if it jams?" Ranger asked.
"If it jams we have the bayonets," Saurfang replied.
"Now before anyone complains about Orcs getting guns," Ranger said. "Armor and fire arms existed side by side until the eighteen hundreds. At that point armor became to heavy to be combat effective but bullets were in 75 cal range. Some modern rounds might actually be useless against medieval armor."
"And now you know," John said.
"Moving on, as before you have two targets a peice," Joe stated. "One is armored the other is a control. Later we'll take this out to the range and do some multi target shooting to gauge your reload time. Gothmog you're up first give me three shots."
Gothmog took his position and fired off and arrow at his first gel torso. He shot again and then a third time before he lowered his bow.
John stepped forward to examine the wounds.
"Okay we have two chest shots and a throat shot," John reported. "All three of them are kills."
"We're at point blank range," Saurfang stated. "If someone misses they either can't shoot or their weapon is terrible."
"Well then give us three shots Saurfang," Joe said.
Saurfang raised his Street sweeper and fired. He sent his three rounds down range and John once more examined the wounds.
"Again we got a chest shot, a throat shot, and a head shot," John said picking up the torso's removed skull cap. "We're also seeing bigger wounds from the Street Sweeper."
"Well now we need some armored tests," Ranger said. "And at this range we may see some armor penetration from the short bow."
"The day that thing gets through Orcish armor is the day I stop punting gnomes," Saurfang stated.
"Put your mouth where your weapon is," Gothmog hissed.
"Gothmog you're up first again," Joe said. "I want three more shots you can place them anywhere you want."
They stepped back and Gothmog nocked and arrow.
"Whenever you're ready," Joe said.
Gothmog fired and his first arrow dented but bounced off the armor. His second arrow hit the chain mail around the neck and appeared to penetrate. The third and final shot hit near the shoulder and stuck.
"John, you're up," Ranger said.
John hurried over to the torso.
"Well the first shot," he said, picking up the fallen arrrow. "Failed to pierce the armor, so no kill. The second," he pulled arrow out of the mail and pulled down the mail collar. "It got through the chain mail but..." He checked the wound. "Not a kill."
"What?" Gothmog snarled.
"The arrow lost power when it got caught in the mail," John explained. "What we have here is a serious wound but it can be recovered from if we get this guy to a medic quick."
"Saurfang how goods Horde medical care?" Ranger asked.
"We can get medical supplies to the wounded quickly in the field," Saurfang replied. "With our limited numbers we have to ensure we can save every warrior we can."
"Medical resources is an X factor in the sim," Ranger added.
"The last shot," John said returning to the torso. "Its actually stuck between the pauldrons, the breastplate, and the mail. If the Warrior doesn't get this out quick he may end up cutting an important artery which goes close to the arm pit."
"So no kills for the short bow," Joe stated.
Gothmog spat again.
"Yeah you still have to clean that up."
"Saurfang you're up," Ranger said.
Saurfang took his position and fired. His first shot went right through the helmet, the second hit the chest, and the third stuck the collar.
"Damage anylsis," Ranger told John as he moved to check the wounds.
"Okay," he removed the helmet. "Definatly a kill here."
Then he checked the chest plate.
"Second shot did not penetrate," John stated.
"Seriously?" Ranger asked.
"Yep," John said picking a flattened lead ball off the floor.
"Makes sense," Joe observed. "That armors got so many angles on it that deflection of incoming projectiles and attacks is possible."
"The last shot near the collar," John continued, "broke up when it hit the armor but there is penetration."
He removed the armor from the torso to reveal a small group of wounds.
"We have a broken collar but no kill," John said. "But this fragmentation is a problem. If a round fragments it becomes harder to find all the pieces and that can lead to infection and death."
"So we have one kill, a wound, and a failed hit," Joe observed.
"We're not just going to have one Orc go at you we're going to swarm you and rip you apart," Gothmog snarled.
"That just proves you're cowards," Saurfang replied. "Go ahead and swarm us, we'll kill you by the dozens."
Switch to Ranger, Joe, and John standing around a table with the seperate Orc weapons.
Our experts compare the results and decide who gets the edge in front line infantry.
"I have to go with the Horde here guys," Ranger said. "Every weapon they've got scored consistent kills while Mordor was rather spoty."
"Agreed," Joe replied. "I do think however the Short Bow maybe more reliable in a stand up fight. Saurfang did say the Street Sweeper could jam."
"Physically I have to give it to the Horde," John said. "They've got more muscle and that means more power. Edge Horde."
"Edge Horde," Joe agreed.
"Edge Horde," Ranger finished.
Mordor Orc vs Horde Orc
Edge: Horde Orc.
But in a real battle more than one type of warrior is often present. So whole will both sides heavy fighters fare?
"So Urk vs Forsaken," Joe said.
"Interesting thing about the Forsaken and in fact all undead," John said. "Because of bodily decay the Forsaken's pain receptors have actually dulled, this means they can draw on extra muscle strength that is normally unavailable."
"Well that explains a few things," Joe muttered.
"We still need to see who has the better toys," Ranger pointed out.
Starting off the fight for the Urk-hai is Urk-hai Broad Sword!
Urk-hai Broad Sword
Material- Iron
Length- 3 ft 6 in
Shagrat lifted up his Broad Sword.
"This weapon was designed for hacking people apart," Shagrat explained. "Its meant for killing."
"Killing?" Belmont asked. "Looks more like a childs toy than a weapon."
He drew out his own sword.
"It's got nothing on my Hewer.
The Forsaken Hewer, a heavy blade made to turn bodies into salsa.
Forsaken Hewer
Material- Steel
Length- 4 ft 3 in
"Well if these are hacking weapons we need to see what they can do," Joe said.
The targets? Pig carcasses, four targets a warrior.
"What we want you to do," Joe explained, "is to do as much damage as you can in a minute."
"Easy," Shagrat growled.
"Shagrat you're up first," Joe said.
Everyone got clear as Shagrat raised his sword.
"Three!" Joe called. "Two! One! Kill 'em!"
Shagrat swung and instantly split a pig opened. He slashed another pigs head clean off its neck and cut another from the ceiling where it hung. He spilt open the skull of the pig and then turned to final pig. This one he cut into the back of but stopped half way through and dragged his sword out to then slice off the pigs legs.
"Time!" Joe called.
John stepped forward to examine the wounds.
"This is just carnage guys," he stated. "Pure carnage, we got severed limbs, mass lacerations, and rather nasty draw cuts that are just going to leave a man in a pile of his own blood and organs."
"Hear that bone bag?" Shagrat growled. "Blood and Organs."
"Shows what you know," Belmont replied. "I can survive the loss of an organ or two, I'm a freaking walking corpse!"
"You're turn Belmont," Joe said as everyone backed off to give the Forsaken commander room to swing.
"On three," Joe said. "Two! One! Slice 'em!"
With a snarl Belmont swung his blade clear through the first pig and using its momenttum hacked into a second. He got about halfway through and then yanked his blade out. He cut the head off a pig carcass and then stabbed it through the chest with his sword. He drew the blade out and with a swing gutted the final pig, spilling its blood and organs across the floor.
"Nasty," Ranger said with a grin.
"Time!" Joe called.
Belmont lowered his balde and they clustered round to examine the wounds.
"Just like before people massive carnage," John commented. "Split the spine, tore through the ribs, decapitation, a stab and a gutting. Stuff like this is not what a doctor wants to see on his OR table."
"Belmont I noticed you had a rather fluid motion between the strikes," Ranger noted.
"The curvature of the blade allows me to carry through with one attack and then advance to the next target." Belmont explained.
"That butter knife ain't gettin through my armor," Shagrat growled.
"Like yours will get through mine!" Belmont scoffed.
"Looks like its time to do armor tests and second weapon tests," Joe observed.
"Next victims!" Ranger called.
Cut to two gell torso's wearing the Urk-hai Plate armor and the Forsaken Plate Mail.
For this test both testers will have to prove their secondary weapon against their opponents armor...
Shagrat picked up his crossbow with a wicked grin.
The Urk Crossbow!
Urk-hai Crossbow
Material- Wood and iron
Range- 200 yards
An armor peircing nightmare!
"This crossbow," Shagrat explained, "is easy to use and powerful. Set the bolt," He placed a bolt into the weapon. "Cock it," he pulled back on a slid on the bottom. "And fire."
"Sounds like an arbalest," Ranger noted.
"Saruman wanted something deadly and powerful," Shagrat replied. "And it doesn't get much powerfull than a crossbow."
"Unless you've got a gun," Saurfang growled.
"Thats a peasents weapon," Belmont scoffed. "Only fools charge straight in."
He then drew out a pair of daggers.
"These will gut you good however."
Forsaken Daggers!
Forsaken Daggers
Material- Steel
Length- 9in
Poisoned
Poisoned blades of doom and gloom.
"Daggers in a front line fight?" Shagrat scoffed.
"Got to agree here Belmont," Joe agreed. "Daggers ain't exactly what I picture front line warriors using."
"The Forsaken long lacked the numbers to risk prolonged front line fights," Belmont replied. "So we don't fight fair."
"What kind of poison are you using?" John asked.
"Its a fast acting Paralysis poison," Belmont answered. "Leaves them frozen while they bleed to death."
"Well we won't see how good the are until we've tested them," Joe replied. "You'll both have 30 seconds to do as much damage as you can to your targets."
"I'm up first again?" Shagrat checked.
"Yep," Joe replied.
"Good," the Urk growled shoving Belmont aside.
He set himself up and readied his cross bow.
"Shagrat ready?" Joe asked.
Shagrat roared in response.
"Three! Two! One! GO!"
Shagrat snapped off his first shot striking the skeletal torso in the throat nearly taking the head off. He slapped in a second shot and fired, hitting the Forsaken torso in the shoulder only for the bolt to bounce of the plates. He loaded a final shot and launched it dead for the chest where it stuck.
"Time!" Joe called.
Ugluk lowered his crossbow and John stepped forwards.
"Well first shot went right through the throat," he said. "Hit the spine, kill. The second bounced off and the thrid..." He pulled the bolt out. "Wound but not a kill. Most of the Forsaken's internal organs are no longer nessarcy for them to function you needed a spine or head shot to kill."
"Still I proved his armor is useless," Shagrat pointed out.
"Useless?" Belmont objected. "The second shot bounced off!"
"Just hit the mail and your dead," Shagrat growled.
"Oh yes," Belmont replied rolling his eyes. "Hit the mail and my non functioning organs. By the time you actually get enough in me to hurt I'll have gotten close enough to gut you!"
"Well time to prove it," Joe replied. "Belmont you've got thirty seconds to cause as much damage as you can."
"Understood," Belmont growled twirling his daggers between his boney fingers.
They cleared the space for Belmont who began to circle the torso.
"Belmont you ready?" Joe asked.
"Blood for the Dark Lady," Belmont replied.
"On three! Two! One! SHANK HIM!"
With a cry the Forsaken Commander plunged both his blades into the Urk torso's neck piercing clear through to both sides! He removed the daggers and shoved them up under the arm pits. He flipped over the Urk torso with a surprising feat of acrobatics and jabbed his blades into the eyes. When he pulled the daggers out he brought the eyes with him. He cleared the eye balls from his weapons and then plunged them down through the collar.
"Time!" Joe called.
"Vicious," Ranger observed.
"Thank you," Belmont said with a bow.
"Well time to check the damage," John muttered stepping forward to examine the damage. "Okay first off these wounds are a medical nightmare. We got two throat stabs which hit everything."
"By that you mean?" Ranger asked.
"Every major artery and the jugular," John answered.
"Wicked."
"The Armpit stabs are also hitting major blood vessels as well as severing nerves," John explained. "This guy would have lost all feeling or use of his arms and then died. The eye hits are a little excessive but they show the prescion of these weapons. The Collar strikes are cutting major arteries as well so dead."
"So we got four kills from the Daggers plus the poison wounds," Ranger tallied.
"You have to get right up close to use those damn things though," Shagrat objected. "I'd rip his head off before he ever got that close. Plus I have my crossbow."
"Yes that would work anywhere else but you forget that I'm not a Vampire," Belmont replied.
"Yeah but you didn't even pierce my armor with those things!" Shagrat snarled. "I got through yours just fine."
Cut to Ranger, John, and Joe standing around the computer.
Who will our judges favor though?
"I have to give this to the Forsaken," Ranger stated. "That sword is a perfect body cleaver and those daggers are just brutal."
"I have to disagree," Joe replied. "The Shagrat proved that his crossbow could get through the Forsaken armor and his sword was just as good."
"Coming from a medical stand point," John started.
"You're not even a doctor," Ranger objected.
"Screw off," John growled. "The Forsaken may be durable but against an Urk's raw strength he's just a corpse."
Urk-hai vs Forsaken
Edge: Urk-hai
The Edge goes to the Urk-hai!
Cut back to the testers as Ubaadah and Rokhan aproached.
But in a real battle powerfull support is often the key to victory.
"Feast your eyes lesser beings," Ubaadah proclaimed lifting up a spear.
The Haradrim spear!
Haradrim Spear
Length: 7ft
Material: Wood Bronze
A brutal slayer of the southern deserts!
"These spears are the primary weapon of all Haradrim warriors," Ubaadah explained. "They are often passed from father to son due to the scarcity of materials."
"So why bronze?" Ranger asked.
"Many spears have Bone tips or simple Iron tips," Ubaadah explained. "A bronze tip however is a sign of status."
"Interesting," Ranger observed.
"I feel ya mon," Rokhan said. "But we Darkspears got spears of our own. It be in our name"
The Darkspear Spear!
Darkspear Spear
Length: 8ft 6in
Material: Wood Iron
Ceramonial weapon of the Island Trolls.
"Dese be standard for all our warriors," Rokhan explained. "Yeah start with da spear and den move on to other weapons."
"So we've got two spears to test," Joe observed.
"That'd be right," Ranger replied.
"Well break out the attack bots and armor them up," Joe replied.
Cut to two attack bots one wearing a Haradrim warriors armor while the other wore the armor of the Darkspear Trolls.
"For this test you both have to land a killing blow against the attack bot with your weapon," Joe explained. "You will also have to pierce the attack bots armor."
"No problem mon," Rokhan said with a wicked grin.
"Hold your horses pal," Joe added. "Ubaadah's up first."
They cleared away as the Troll torse wearing a mess of leather, bone, and even wood was moved into position. Ubaadah took a ready stance, gripping his spear tightly.
"Ubaadah ready?" Joe called.
"Aye!"
"Deploying attack bot!" Joe shouted.
The torso rolled towards Ubaadah. The Haradrim warrior loosed a fierce war cry and jabbed his spear right into the attack bot stoping it in its tracks.
"Nice," Joe observed.
John moved up to check the damage.
"It pierced the armor," he confirmed. "We got good enough penetration factor to make a kill as well."
"Easy as could be," Ubaadah said with a smirk.
"Says you mon," Rokhan replied. "We Trolls got a healin facta, makes it so minor wounds won't even slow us down."
"Yeah but is that going to stop a gut stab like this?" John asked.
"Dey won't even get close enough to try it," Rokhan replied. "We got an extra foot of spear and more than a foot a height on dem."
"Well we still need to know if your spear can pierce a Haradrim's armor," Joe said. "So get on up here and show us what you can do."
Rokhan took his position and leveled his spear.
"Rokhan ready?" Joe called.
"Bad mojo on da way mon," Rokhan replied.
"Three, two, one! CHARGE!"
The attack bot surged forward. With a feirce snarl Rokhan plunge his spear into the dummies chest effortlessly piercing the soft leather. The force of the blow was so great it knocked the torso clean over.
"Ho damn," Joe muttered.
John stepped forward and yanked the spear out.
"Yeah this guy is super dead," he stated simply.
"So who gets the edge?" Joe asked.
"We need another test to figure that out," Ranger replied.
Our warriors move onto their long ranged killers!
Ubaadah nocked an arrow to the string of his bow.
The Composite bow!
Composite bow
Material- Wood and Horn
Range- 440 Feet
Death from on high!
"These bows were crafted Specifically for fighting from the backs of our Mumakil," Ubaadah explained. "From their we have a commanding field of fire on any battlefield."
"Sounds like aiming like that would be hard," Ranger commented.
"We train for just such actions," Ubaadah replied.
"Not bad mon," Rohkan stated lifting up his own bow. "But mine's betta."
The Reflex bow!
Reflex Bow
Material- Wood
Range- 450 feet
Poisoned Arrows
The silent death of the jungle!
"This thing is a monster," Ranger said picking up Rokhan's large bow.
"Gives it more strength," the Shadow Hunter replied. "Combine dat with the flexing limbs and she gotta ton a' punch mon."
"I only understood about half of that but lets see these things in action," Joe stated.
"I'll need a Mumak, Ubaadah replied.
"Well then best chance to test that one to," Ranger said.
Cut to a wide open field were the testers and hosts stood in the shadow of a fifty foot high tower and a equally massive Mumakil with a war tower on its back.
The Mumakil!
Mumakil
Armor: Thick Hide
Weapons: Archers, Bladed tusks
Weight: 36 Tons (Not counting tower)
Top speed: 25 MPH
The monsters war beast of the south.
"Dear lord that thing stinks!" Ranger yelled holding his nose.
"I've smelled worse," Belmont said with a shrugging causing everyone who had some decency to inch away.
"The Mumakil is an onstopable beast of war," Ubaadah explained. "From their backs we are protected from enemies and can fire back with near impunity."
Cut away to the battle of the Pelennor Fields
Mumakil smash their way through a charge of the riders of Rohan.
At the battle of Pelennor Fields the charge of the Mumakil nearly broke the army of Rohan while providing a critical screen for Mordors warriors to rally behind.
End cut away
"Dat won't be a problem for us mon," Rohkan said simply. "We just shoot ya down."
"Well then we have our test," Joe stated motioning to a field of ten targets some hundred yards from the Mumakil. "Ubaadah, you and you team will try take out as many of those targets as you can before the Rohkan and his buddies." He motioned to a group of nine more Darkspear warriors who were waiting with their bows. "Take out all ten of the targets on the tower."
"Sounds simple enough," Ubaadah replied.
"Well then we'll jiust get clear," John said motioning for everyone who wasn't taking part in the test to clear away. Rohkan hurried to join his warriors while Ubaadah mounted his Mumakil.
"Troll team! Ready?" Joe called through a megaphone.
The Trolls gave a fierce war cry.
"Haradrim Ready?"
The Haradrim blew a war horn in response.
"On three! Two! One! Charge!"
The Mumakil trumpeted out a fearsome roar as the Trolls drew back on their bows. The stamping of the Mumakil however through off the trolls aim causing all but one of their arrows to miss striking one target. The Haradrim were quickly in range and raining arrows of their own down at their targets striking three in their first volley.
The Trolls quickly compensated however and loosed another volley knocking out three more targets but as they did so the Haradrim smashed through their targets striking two with arrows while the mumakil crushed three under its feet. The trolls fired again downing two more targets while the Haradrim nailed two more of their own.
And that is it!" Joe called as the Haradrim brought their mumakil to a halt. "Haradrim team wins this one!"
Rohkan grimaced.
In support the Forces of Mordor claim victory!
Haradrim Warrior vs Darkspear Troll
Edge: Haradrim Warrior
"Well since we're out here," Saurfang said. "How about we show you some real Horde fire power?"
The Orc Veteran gave a whistle and with a mighty roar a lumbering war machine came rolling out from behind a hill.
The Demolisher Siege Tank!
Demolisher Siege Tank
Armor: Reinforced Steel
Weapons: Siege Catapult Battering Ram
Wieght: 16.7 Tons
Top Speed: 27 MPH
"Holy crap," Joe said in awe.
"How many Deadliest Warrior Parodies have tanks in them?" Ranger said rhetorically.
"Only ours," John said raising his fist for a bump which Ranger gave him.
"Fire!" Saurfang ordered.
With a lurch the Tank loosed a massive flamming shot which slammed into the tower destroying it in one hit!
"Holy Shit!" Ranger yelled with delight.
"That thing is freaking dead!" Joe hollared.
In Heavy Siege weapons, the edge goes to the Demolisher Siege Tank!
Mumakil vs Demolisher Siege Tank
Edge: Demolisher Siege Tank
"Well do you guys want to test our next warriors or have a little tactical analysis?" Ranger asked.
"Lets do one more test before we go into the history lesson," John stated.
"Agreed," Joe added.
"Well then its time for exotic warriors," Ranger said motioning to Ulfang and Dawnrunner.
"Bring it on," the Blood elf said.
Cut back to the fight club were Ulfang readies his first weapon.
The Easterling Pole axe!
Easterling Pole axe
Material- Wood and Steel
Length- 8 ft
Brutal line weapon of the East!
"These Pole axe's were designed thousands of years ago," Ubaadah explained handing Joe the hefty weapon. "The only changes since then have been the materials used."
"What were these used for?" Joe asked.
"Line infantry battles," Ubaadah replied. "We clashed with the men of Gondor many times and these weapons were excellent for eliminating enemy cavalry."
"What you have there is an out dated piece of junk," Dawnrunner said approaching with a wide bladed single edged sword in her hands. "Victory requires adaptation, and th Sin'dorei understand that better than anyone."
The children of Quel'thalas strike back with the Sin'dorei Warblade!
Sin'dorei Warblade
Material- Arcanite
Length- 5 ft
"Little elf witch with a sword nearly bigger than she is," Gothmog laughed. "Can you even use that thing wench?"
In response Dawnrunner swung it under hand and smashed the flat side of the blade into Gothmog's groin. All men present winced as Gothmog double over spitting and cursing.
"Any other clever comments?" She asked.
"Okay I have to ask, why a big old two handed sword with that nasty looking a blade?" Joe asked.
"To kill the undead," Dawnrunner answered.
Cut away to the Sacking of Quel'thalas
We see High Elven warriors fighting desperatly to defeat armies of undead warriors, only to be cut down oen by one.
Prior to the assault by the Scourge on Quel'thalas the Elven Rangers relied on knives and short swords in close quarters combat but these weapons proved to be of little use against hordes of the undead who could not be bleed to death.
Cut to a white haird Blood elf warrior in armor accompanied by a party of rangers moving through the now haunted forests of Quel'thalas.
Regent Lord of Quel'Thalas Lor'themar Theron realised the Rangers and warriors of Quel'thalas need a weapon with more bite to it.
Several undead ghouls ambush the elves who quickly draw wide bladed swords and begin cutting them down.
The most successful of these designs is the Warblade.
End Cut away.
"Well then we need to introduce these nice little weapons to our balistics gel dummies," Joe said motioning the two over to four said targets. "First we get the control test to see how much damage these bad boys do," he explained. "Then we see how they fair against you opponents armor."
Ulfang took up his position before his first elf torso, his pole axe ready.
"Ulfang you ready?" Joe asked.
Ulfang gave a war cry in response.
"Have at them!"
Ulfang charged his torso and quickly shoved his spear into its gut coming out clear on the other side. With a savage yank he removed the weapon and the slashed the torso's head off. Last of all he swund it down through the torso's collar bone.
"Time!"
Ulfang withdrew his weapon as John approached.
"Okay first off the spear thrust," he said sticking a gloved hand into the gapping wound. "Is going straight through to the spine. Instant kill. He took of the head which puts this poor elf in a worse kinda hell than most of us could imagen. And this neck stroke broke the collar bone and hits most of the major blood vessels."
"Ulfang I noticed you had a little trouble with the pull out," Ranger stated.
"This head can get a little tangle up in the organs and bones," Ulfang replied.
"Nasty," Joe muttered.
Dawnrunner took up her position with her Warblade.
"Dawnrunner you ready?" Joe asked.
"Always," she replied.
"Anaralah belore!" Ranger called.
With a savage shriek Dawnrunner quickly beheaded her torso and then on her second swing brought her sword down through the chest to the torso's left hip were it stuck. With a seemingly effortless tug she removed her sword and then kicked the ruined torso to floor and plunge her blade through its heart.
Joe gave a loud whistle.
"That was sadistic," he commented.
"Thank you," Dawnrunner said with a smile.
"Okay I'm not even going near that thing for fear of decapitation," John said. "All three of those were horrific ways to die."
"Well on to the armor," Joe said motioning to the ornate chainmail clad blood elf torso and the bronze scaled and sheild bearing Easterling Warrior. "They've got shock patches on them. Ulfang you're up first."
Ulfang nodded hefting his pole arm.
"Ready?" Joe asked.
"Yes!" Ulfang replied.
"GO!"
With a roar Ulfang jabbed at the Torso with his pole axe! The broad head was caught by the mail knocking the torso to the floor. With a fierce strike he plunge the tip into the Torso's throat and the then split its skull open, breaking the mail coif apart.
"Done!" Joe called.
Ulfang stepped back as John moved forward to examine the ruined torso.
"Shockingly enough the thrust is not a kill," he reported. "The mail held up, shock patch is tripped though so we've got broken ribs." He moved to the head wounds. "The throat shot is an instant kill and the head splitter is the same," he reported.
"So one wound and two kills," Ranger tallied.
"Not bad," Joe observed. "Dawnrunner you are up. I want to see you negate his shield and kill him."
"Understood," she replied stepping up to the torso.
"Three! Two! One! Slice him up!"
With a graceful swing Dawnrunner got around the to torso's left side and cut his shield hand off. With her next strike she swung her blade against the bronze plates several of which buckled and snapped away. The for the finisher she smashed through the helmet and cut the head in half.
"And you're done!" Joe called.
Dawnrunner stepped away as John moved into examine the wounds.
"Okay the loss of a hand itself is not a garunteed kill, if you can get this guy to a good doctor," John stated, "but you'd have to be quick or he'll just bleed out or go into shock." He moved to the chest blow. "Armor mostly seemed to hold against the strike," he said. "But once again we've got a tripped shock patch, broken ribs, probably some internal bleeding, this is a maybe kill." He moved to the head wound. "Do I really need to say it?"
"So its two kills and a wound against one instant kill, and to maybe kills." Ranger counted.
"Not looking very good on you end," Joe said to the Lieutenant.
"I've still got a few tricks," the Blood Elf replied setting down her sword for an bow.
The Blood Elves Retaliated with the Sin'dorei Recurve Bow!
Sin'dorei Recurve Bow
Material- Wood Adamantite
Range- 550 ft
Arcane shot
"Okay that thing looks awesome," Ranger said eyeing the bow.
"Only the best archers in the army of Silvermoon are given these bows," Dawnrunner explained. "I can easily pick enemies off from a distance. Plus I can put a little magic in the arrows to help the pierce armor and shields."
"You have never faced a charge from the Men of East, elf." Ulfang snapped drawing a scimitar of his own. "I will carve you pretty face up before you could even draw that."
Easterling Scimitar
Material- Steel
Length- 3 feet 6 inches.
"Well I think we have another test." Joe said.
They moved to another part of the fight club where and attack bot in the Easterling Armor and shield and a gel torso wearing Sin'dorei mail and a automated arrow launcher waited.
"Ulfang, you will charge the gell torso and try to avoid being hit with its arrow or block them." Joe explained. "Dawnrunner will try to shoot the attack bot. We'll see who can make the most kills before being over run. Distance is fifty yards."
"Childs play," Dawnrunner scoffed.
Joe quickly lead the two aside to run some basic tests to gauge Dawnrunner's fire rate against Ulfang's maximum sprinting speed while armor. Once these quick checks were completed the two took up their positions on opposite ends of the range.
"Ulfang ready?" Joe asked.
"Yes!"
"Dawnrunner ready?"
"And able," she replied.
"Three, two, one! Attack bot out!"
The Attack bot and Ulfang charged. Lightning quick an arrow was fired by Dawnrunner and the training unit. Ulfang deflected the shot with his shield while the other arrow hit the attack bot in the eye. Ulfang and the attack bot drew closer nearing the halfway point when Dawnrunner fired off her second shot joined by the training unit. Ulfang stumbled slightly as the blunted arrow hit his knee while Dawnrunner hit the attack bot in the throat. Ulfang regained his footing and resumed his charge! A third arrow was launched hitting Ulfang in the shoulder while Dawnrunner shot straight into the chest, going through the shield in a spray of blue sparks. Ulfang thrust his sword into the Elf torso's face.
"And thats it!" Joe called.
Ulfang yanked his sword out while Dawnrunner lowered her bow. John moved up to investigate the damage.
"That last shot pierced the shield and the armor," he reported, "actually manage to cut a major blood vessel." He pushed the attack bot over. "This guy is dead three times over."
"I still killed my target," Ulfang retorted.
"You lost three of your men to kill one archer," Dawnrunner shot back. "And a true ranger of Silvermoon won't just stand there andf let you stab them."
Our experts however are set in there descion.
"This one goes to the Horde," Ranger stated.
"Edge Horde," John agreed plucking an arrow out of the attack bot.
"Edge Horde," Joe replied.
Easterling vs Blood Elf
Edge: Blood Elf
But weapons alone are not enough to win a battle.
Cut to Ranger reading a book in front of a touch table.
Tactics are needed to achieve victory.
Saurfang approached Ranger who looked up.
"Saurfang what would you say is the Horde's primary tactic?" He asked.
"Percise force," Saurfang replied. "Once the Horde relied on overwhelming numbers but now we relyon finding out enemies weak point and then applying an overwhelming amount of force to it."
"And what single battle displays this best?" Ranger asked.
"The Siege of Warsong hold," Saurfang replied.
"Well then let's go to Northrend with this overpriced toy," Ranger replied moving to a map of Azeroth on the touch table and zooming in on the Borean Tundra, specifically Warsong Hold.
"The Lich King had attacked Orgrimmar," Saurfang explained, "challenging the Horde to come and face him. So Warchief Thrall dispatched the greatest Warriors of Horde under the command of myself and current Warchief Garrosh Hellscream. Once in Northrend we established our base which we named Warsong Hold."
"But you guys ran into trouble?"
"Indeed," Saurfang replied. "We did not realise until it was to late that we had built our fortress on a nest of Nerubians. While they distracted us the Scourge, under the command of Kel'thuzad, cut us off from the coast limiting us to resupply only from the air."
"That has to have sucked," Ranger muttered.
"It was grim," Saurfang agreed. "We had warriors trapped in the quary below, wounded trapped in the open for the Scourge, and our supplies were under constant threat."
"So what did you do?" Ranger asked.
"First we had to secure our perimeter defenses," Saurfang explained. "Our discipline kept us united and focused. We sent teams into the quarry to seal up the Nerubian tunnels and rescue our trapped warriors and workers. Once they had been repelled we smuggle specialists to the beachhead were we had landed. Their they brought several demolisher tanks back on line and made a push across the open flats, destorying countless Scourge warriors, and rescuing our wounded. Kel'thuzad was forced to retreat allowing us to make a signifigant push against the remaining Scourge forces."
"And your warriors never broke discipline once?" Ranger asked.
"The Warriors of the Horde do not fear death or battle," Saurfang replied. "We are not the overwhelming wave of bodies of the second war but a tempered lance, able to cleave the enemy lines apart with practiced ease."
Switch over to Ranger talking with Gothmog.
"Gothmog what would you say was the greatest victory of the forces of Mordor?" He asked.
"The Sacking of Osgiliath," Gothmog replied.
"And what tactics did you prefer?" Ranger asked.
"Fear and overwhelming numbers," Gothmog answered.
"Well let's go to Osgiliath," Ranger said zooming in on the ruined former capital of Gondor. "Sauron has put forth his strength to destroy Gondor but he can't attack Minas Tirith with out first crossing the river of Osgiliath."
"The Witch King sent a large force under my command ahead to prepare for the main crossing," Gothmog explained. "We had already captured the eastern half of Osgiliath but the Gondorianshad broken the bridges."
"So first you had to get across Anduin," Ranger observed.
"Exactly," Gothmog growled. "The master sent a mass of dark clouds from the mountain of fire to darken the enemies hearts while we built boats and barges in secret and then under the cover of night made a crossing."
"But you men were ambushed at the shore," Ranger stated.
"We were spotted by a watchmen," Gothmog growled. "We slew him quickly but his body raised the alarm."
"So now its a pitch battle on the wet and rocky shores of the river," Ranger said drawing out a line along Osgiliaths shore line.
"That was but one of our assaults," Gothmog replied. "The Gondorians were over stretched and I sent my main force across the bridges using ramps we'd also built in secret."
"Then the Nazgul arrive with the main army," Ranger continued.
"The Gondorians fell back to the outter wall of the Pelennor," Gothmog stated. "But they were overstretched and exhausted while we had limitless bodies to throw at them."
"And thus the men of Gondor were forced retreat to Minas Tirith before nightfall," Ranger stated.
"Would have killed 'em all if we'd had more cavalry," Gothmog spat.
"You still have to clean that up!" Joe yelled.
Cut to Ranger alone now.
"While one can appreciate the sheer shock value of the overwhelming numbers and terror tactics of Mordor, the Horde's discipline and superior tactics make their more economical use of man power the superior tactic." He explained.
Tactics
Edge: Horde!
Cut back to Bluff Runner Windstrider hefting a large club like weapon.
And now its time for the heavy hitters of both sides to take the field.
"Have a look at this," Windstrider said putting his massive weapon down with a thud in front of the "experts".
Tauren Totem
Material- Wood
Length- 6ft 6in
"Okay I don't think we're here to get high," Joe said eyeing the totem.
"This isn't a pipe," Windstrider replied. "Its an ancesteral weapon of my people. These War Totems are passed from father to son for generations."
"Well hot damn," Ranger muttered.
"Well let's see how much damage it can do," Joe said leading him over to three balistics gel torsos. "Kill 'em in as gruesome a way as you can imagen."
"Very well then," Windstrider replied.
Without waiting for a go ahead he smashed the first torso clean in the half, leaving a jagged mass of shattered bones and organs behind. Before Joe could stop him he pulped another with an overhead smash before bashing the last to the floor and crushing the chest so hard the head popped off and rolled away.
"Done." He said simply.
Joe face palmed.
Cut to the experts reviewing footage of trolls in action.
"Well these guys sure can take a hit," Ranger muttered as arrows peppered a troll at Minas Tirith.
"And dish it back out," John added as a troll sent a man flying through air with its club.
"Judging from this I doubt blunt force will work against trolls," Joe stated.
"Hey Windstrider you got a piercing weapon?" Ranger asked.
In response a bullet flew over his head a splitting a gel torso open.
The Tauren Long Gun.
Tauren Long Gun
Material- Wood Iron
Range- 200 yards
A badass bovine gun.
Windstrider held up his Long Gun which had a telescopic sight.
"What do you think?" He asked.
"This things a freaking elephant gun!" Joe said delighted as be took the weapon and sighted it.
"Like most Horde fire arms its a breach loader," Windstrider explained. "Its raw stopping power should be enough to kill one of these Mordor Trolls."
"Well lets test that," Ranger said.
He lead the Tauren warrior over to a massive ballistics gell mock up of a Cave Troll.
"You will have three shots to try and bring this big guy down," Ranger explained. "Think you can do it?"
"Bring it on," Windstrider replied leveling his rifle.
"Whenever you're ready," Joe said clearing away.
Windstrider fired off his first shot pulping the Trolls eye, his second shot went for the chet before he brought his third up into its open mouth.
"And thats it!" Joe called.
The Tauren lowered his rifle while John moved in with a step ladder to examine the wounds.
"First shot is a serious wound but not a confirmed kill," he reported.
"What?" Ranger exclaimed.
"Failed to breach the brain cavity," John explained. "Admittedly now you've got an out of control and very pissed off Troll."
He moved down to the chest wound.
"No go here," he continued. "Got stuck in all the fat and tissue. He'll bleed but he's still just mad."
Then he moved to the mouth shot.
"Kill!" He reported. "Went right into the brain stem and severed it!"
"Still for all that you only got one kill," Ranger muttered. "And that troll has probably torn you apart by now."
Its a tough call...
"As tough as the Tauren are," Joe stated, "the Cave troll is just tougher. Edge Cave Troll."
Cave Troll vs Tauren
Edge: Cave Troll
Cut to the open field again.
Now our experts turn their attention to both sides heavy artilley.
Ranger, Joe, and John appoarch the mordor team who are preparing a massive Catapult.
"Hello there," Ranger muttered.
Mordor Catapult
Range- +984 ft
Ammunition- Stones, Flaming pitch, heads.
"What do you maggots think?" Gothmog asked with a vile grin.
"Well its big," Ranger observed.
"Normally we have Trolls load these things," Gothmog replied.
"Well we'll have to get a stand in," Joe muttered.
At that moment a massive skull shaped machine came rolling up behind them with Commander Belmont at the controls.
"Horde Mechanised warfare at is finest!" He called.
Forsaken Plauge Catapult
Range- +656 ft
Ammunition- Explosive shot Plauge bombs
Gothmog burst out laughing.
"Thats you weapon!" He laughed.
"It's smaller faster and a lot scarier than yours ass face," Belmont remarked.
Gothmog growled and drew his scimitar.
"You want to say that to my face one bag!"
"Gentlemen!" Joe shouted drawing their attentions back to himself. "Lets settle this with your catapults."
He motioned to several standing targets well within range of both weapons.
"We have thirty targets down there," he explained. "You each get three shots to do as much damage as you can."
He, Ranger, and John cleared away so that the crews could work while a pick up truck was prepared for usage with the Mordor Catapult.
"You may fire when ready!" Joe called.
Gothmog fired the Mordor catapult first sending a massive stone flying into the targets smashing several down. Belmont was quick to follow with a shot of his own which blasted down several of his targets. While Gothmog's Team hurried to reload their weapon with a fire shot Belmont fired again taking out even more of his targets. A fire shot soon followed from team Mordor devastating their targets while Belmont fired off his third and final shot.
"Done!" Belmont called.
Gothmog glared at him as his team loaded their final shot and sent it sailing at the targets. It crushed several with distrubing ease.
"And thats it," Joe called heading over to the truck. "Thats go have a look."
After a quick drive down to the target zone Ranger and Joe did a quick body count.
"I got sixteen kills from the Forsaken Catapult," Ranger reported.
"I got twenty kills from the Mordor Catapult," Joe said grimly.
"We've got a little something for you," Gothmog hissed.
He then tossed the head of balistics gel dummy of a Forsaken at Belmont.
Our experts have only one choice in this matter.
"Really one option here guys," Joe said grimly. "Edge Mordor."
Mordor Catapult vs Forsaken Plauge Catapult
Edge: Mordor Catapult
Our experts have completed their tests.
Cut back to the club.
But now they must consider the x factors.
"Okay John what have we got in regards to physical ability?" Ranger asked.
"Well if you average out the hieghts and wieghts of both sides their is a slight edge to the forces of Mordor with six foot ten inches as the average hieght and five hundred thirty nine pounds as the average wieght. Compared against the Horde who average at six foot seven and two hundred eighty six pounds." John explained. "I award the forces of Mordor a 76 in physicality to the Horde's 73."
"Who about cruelty and intimidation?" Ranger asked.
"Definatly to the Forces of Mordor here," Joe replied. "Chucking your opponents severed heads at them not mention engulfing them in a depressing and distrubing darkness can definatly hurt morale. I gave the forces of Mordor a 86 and the Horde a 75."
"Well morale is one thing the Horde has plenty of," Ranger replied. "They live to fight, the want to be the biggest badasses on the battlefield. Heck the Horde national Anthem, Power of the Horde by the Elite Tauren Chieftans tells its warriors that death in battle is the greatest glory that can be achieved in life, but first you got to take a lot of enemies with you. Mordor meanwhile realise up force and intimidation to keep its troops in line. I gave the Horde a 96 in Morale vs Mordor's 62."
"And of course theirs honor to consider," Joe noted. "Thats a huge motivator for the Warriors of the Horde and certainly some of the human warriors of Mordor. I give the Horde a 76 to Mordor's 57."
"Last of all we've got unity," Ranger stated. "The armies ability to fight together as a cohesive force. The Horde has got plenty of that to spare, they know when the fighting starts that they can trust the warrior beside them to fight it out. Mordor on the other hand will break down and start squabbling at the first sign of loot, easy kills, or just because their hungery. Horde gets a 80 to Mordor's 61."
And so to recap!
Mordor Orc vs Horde Orc
Edge: Horde Orc
Urk-hai vs Forsaken
Edge: Urk-hai
Haradrim Warrior vs Darkspear Troll
Edge: Haradrim Warrior
Easterling vs Blood Elf
Edge: Blood Elf
Cave Troll vs Tauren
Edge: Cave Troll
Mordor Catapult vs Forsaken Plauge Catapult
Edge: Mordor Catapult
Mumakil vs Demolisher Siege tank
Edge: Demolisher Siege Tank
Tactics
Edge: Horde
Physicality: Mordor
Cruelty: Mordor
Honor: Horde
Unity: Horde
Morale: Horde
All of the Data has been gathered. Its time for war.
Ranger hit the play button.
Mordor:
Orcs-
Urk-hai-
Haradrim-
Easterlings-
Cave Trolls-
Horde:
Orcs-
Forsaken-
Darkspear Trolls-
Blood Elves-
Tauren-
Cut to the Barrens of Kalimdor, a force from Mordor has landed to expand the vile will of the Dark Lord Sauron to these far distant lands. And so to start thing off a group of Orcs set up a lumber mill to clear land for their base camp while a dark cloud blots out the sun. While three work two more stand on guard duty one with a short bow ready and the other a horn at his side. A Catapult sits at rest by the ramshackle shack they have built as shelter.
Unbeknownst to the labouring Orcs of Mordor Warchief Thrall has sensed the evil arriving in his lands and sent a force to investigate. A group of Blood Elves form the intial scouting party who come upon the Orcs hacking down the barrens sparse trees. Angered they quickly ready their bows.
Mordor:
Orcs- 10
Urk-hai- 10
Haradrim- 10
Easterlings- 10
Cave Trolls- 5
Horde:
Orcs- 10
Forsaken- 10
Darkspear Trolls- 10
Blood Elves- 10
Tauren- 5
The elves loose a volley killing three of the orcs with ease. Alarmed the one with the bow snaps up his weapon and scores a lucky shot on an elf catching him in the throat. The one with the horn sounded the alarm bringing five more orcs, ten Urk-hai, and ten Easterlings up to reinforce them. The Blood elves knowing they are out numbered turn and flee back into the woods.
As they do however a arrow strikes one in the back. Knocked to the ground the Elf can only scream in agony as he is hacked apart by the forces of Mordor. One elf angered by the death of her comerade turns and briefly duels a persuing Easterling before killing him. A cave troll brusts through the brush forcing the elves to flee again. As they do however a forsaken warrior hiding in the branches drops down onto the Troll's back. The Cave Troll roared in fury trying fling the ramshackle corpseman from his back. The Forsaken plunges his daggers into the Troll's spine cutting through to its brain stem killing it. As it crashes to the ground the Forsaken jumps off laughing, only to lose its head to a charging Urk.
Mordor:
Orcs- 7
Urk-hai- 10
Haradrim- 10
Easterlings- 9
Cave Trolls- 4
Horde:
Orcs- 10
Forsaken- 9
Darkspear Trolls- 10
Blood Elves- 8
Tauren- 5
The Elves clear the forest quickly followed by the Forces of Mordor who come a to a sudden halt. Staring them down is the full might of the Horde force. They loose a volley at the forces of Mordor who return fire. Two Horde orcs and Darkspear Troll are slain in exchange for two urks, an orc, and an Easterling for the forces of Mordor. Undaunted the Forces of Mordor charge screaming out a brutal war cry as they advance with Troll support. The Horde maintains ranks however and fire off a second volley downing a cave troll and two more Urks before the two sides clash in melee. The trolls smash down a tauren warrior and a pair of Forsaken. Evening the odds a Tauren smashes down an Easterling.
Mordor:
Orcs- 6
Urk-hai- 6
Haradrim- 10
Easterlings- 7
Cave Trolls- 3
Horde:
Orcs- 8
Forsaken- 7
Darkspear Trolls- 9
Blood Elves- 8
Tauren- 4
A Tauren then gets a lucky shot off at the spine of a Cave Troll killing it. With three trolls dead the Orcs of Mordor break and flee losing one of their own in the process. The Forces of Mordor are force to join the retreat before they are over run some fleeing back to the forset others making for the open flats. The a horde force, mostly Blood Elves with two Tauren, persue the ones retreating to the forest. They atch them just as they reach the cover of the forest killing an urk and Easterling wiith little difficulty. As they do so however an Orc sounds a horn. Back at the meger camp a small group including a Cave troll man the catapult. They fire towards the source of the horn call. A poor blood Elf only has time to look up before she is crushed under a massive stone. A close friend of her's is distracted for a moment by his grief at her death and is cut down by an Easterling.
Mordor:
Orcs- 6
Urk-hai- 5
Haradrim- 10
Easterlings- 6
Cave Trolls- 2
Horde:
Orcs- 8
Forsaken- 7
Darkspear Trolls- 9
Blood Elves- 6
Tauren- 4
Meanwhile the Mordor force who fled for the open flats are suddenly stuck by fire from the Horde's own Plauge catapult killing an Orc and an Easterling with a single shot. Stuck in the open with no cover the forces of Mordor turn to fight with an Urk shooting a charging Darkspear Troll dead with his cross bow with a Mordor Orc kills an orc of Horde with a face shot from his short bow.
Mordor:
Orcs- 5
Urk-hai- 5
Haradrim- 10
Easterlings- 5
Cave Trolls- 2
Horde:
Orcs- 7
Forsaken- 7
Darkspear Trolls- 8
Blood Elves- 6
Tauren- 4
Back in the forest the Blood Elves lose another warrior and one of the Tauren who accopanied them. They make desperate retreat cutting down an Easterling before fleeing. The Mordor orcs fall upon the dead and begin hacking off the heads before falling back to their camp. As the Blood Elves flee however the Mordor Catapult destroys the Forsaken plauge Catapult and killing its Forsaken crew man.
Mordor:
Orcs- 5
Urk-hai- 5
Haradrim- 10
Easterlings- 4
Cave Trolls- 2
Horde:
Orcs- 7
Forsaken- 6
Darkspear Trolls- 8
Blood Elves- 5
Tauren- 3
Meanwhile on the opens one of the last two cave trolls joined the fary as both sides clashed. The Cave troll smashes aside an Orc warrior while two Darkspear trolls die at the hands of Sauron's minions. The warriors of the Horde give as good as they get however slaying an Easterling, an orc, and a Urk. Then the horn sounds again and the forces of Mordor beat a hasty retreat killing a single forsaken warrior. Confused the Warriors of Horde hold their ground just long enough for a rain of small round objects to rain down upon them, the heads of their slain warriors all marked with the lidless eye. Rather then be dismayed by this unexpected attack the Horde warriors flew into a rage and charged off at assault the catapult.
Mordor:
Orcs- 4
Urk-hai- 4
Haradrim- 10
Easterlings- 3
Cave Trolls- 2
Horde:
Orcs- 6
Forsaken- 5
Darkspear Trolls- 6
Blood Elves- 5
Tauren- 3
The Horde charge the catapult only to find the second of the two Mordor units. The forces of Mordor fire off a volley of arrows and bolts but they either miss or bounce off armor as the warriors of the Horde loose a blood chilling war cry! They slam into the enemy cutting down an orc and an Easterling. The Cave Troll however continues to wreck havoc slaying two Orcs of the Horde. Then flanking arrows and bullets strike the cave troll tearing its flesh. The Blood Elves and one Tauren have returned mastering their fear and shame fighting with renewed vengance! The Cave Troll however refuse to go down without a fight, crushing an Orc to deat and then throwing his broken body at a Blood Elf killing it. Still the Horde fights on and at last bring the Cave Troll down. Out flanked and out numbered the forces of Mordor flee!
Mordor:
Orcs- 3
Urk-hai- 4
Haradrim- 10
Easterlings- 2
Cave Trolls- 1
Horde:
Orcs- 4
Forsaken- 5
Darkspear Trolls- 6
Blood Elves- 4
Tauren- 3
Then their is a mighty trumpeting roar. The warriors of the Horde turn to see a lumbering Mumakil bearing down on them. A mount of dread fills them before an Orc officer suddenly brings them to order, barking out instructions. A small force break off to get higher ground while the rest charge out to meet the oncoming foe as the forces of Mordor rally behind its wall of flesh. The Haradrim release a hail storm of arrows upon the Horde with lethal accuracy killing a Tauren, and a Darkspear Troll before slamming through their lines crushing a Forsaken and another Darkspear in its destructive path! Then an answering storm of arrows and bullets meet the Mumakil. The Horde warriors on the ridge cut down two of the Haradrim who respond with a countering arrow volley of their own! An Orc, a Tauren, and a Blood Elf fall.
Mordor:
Orcs- 3
Urk-hai- 4
Haradrim- 8
Easterlings- 2
Cave Trolls- 1
Horde:
Orcs- 3
Forsaken- 4
Darkspear Trolls- 4
Blood Elves- 3
Tauren- 2
The forces of Mordor force the bulk of the Warriors of the Horde to retreat back towards their camp fighting an dying for every inch of ground lost another Darkspear Troll and a Forsaken fall while an Urk dies as the pay off. The Mumakil focuses its attentions of the Horde warriors of the ridge still firing on it. Without support they beat a hasty retreat to the forest slaying a pair of Haradrim warriors in exchange for and single Blood Elf falling dead with an arrow in her throat.
Mordor:
Orcs- 3
Urk-hai- 3
Haradrim- 6
Easterlings- 2
Cave Trolls- 1
Horde:
Orcs- 3
Forsaken- 3
Darkspear Trolls- 3
Blood Elves- 2
Tauren- 2
The Warriors of the Horde beat a retreat to their camp and quickly fire up their trump card, the demolisher battle tank. An Orc Warrior takes the controls and quickly sends a flaming shot killing the last Cave troll which crushes to hapless Orcs who happened to be behind it. The Horde however loses a Tauren who is caught in the retrreat and cut down. A single brave Forsaken dared to attempt to climb the mumakil only to be shaken off and fall to the ground and be crushed under its massive foot. Then suddenly the remainign warriors from the second force of the Horde emerged from the trees firing arrows and bullets! An Urk, an Easterling, and a Haradrim warrior fall only for one of the last two Blood Elves to take and arrow to the stomach.
Mordor:
Orcs- 1
Urk-hai- 2
Haradrim- 5
Easterlings- 1
Cave Trolls- 0
Horde:
Orcs- 3
Forsaken- 2
Darkspear Trolls- 3
Blood Elves- 1
Tauren- 1
The Demolisher roared into the fray now running over the last Orc of Mordor, while firing at the Mumakil! It cliped the tower on its back sending a Haradrim warrior flying off to his death, the Mumakil's tower caught fire driving it into a panick. All around these two titans of the battle field the battle turned into nearly single man duels, close up and deadly. A Forsaken cut down an urk only to be split in half by the rampaging Mumakil. A Darkspear Troll shot the mighty beat in the face but was shot himself for his trouble. Then all seemed doom as the Demolishers driver was dragged out of the controls and hacked to death by the last Urk.
Mordor:
Orcs- 0
Urk-hai- 1
Haradrim- 4
Easterlings- 1
Cave Trolls- 0
Horde:
Orcs- 2
Forsaken- 1
Darkspear Trolls- 2
Blood Elves- 1
Tauren- 1
Then the Orc Commander smashed aside the last Urk and leapt into the control seat as one of the two remaing Darkspear Trolls fell to the last Easterling. The Easterling found his head sailing through the air as the last Blood Elf, her fel green eyes a blaze decapitated him. The Orc Commander turned to face the Mumakil as it charged him eyes red with fury. The Demolisher fired again and crushed the Mumakil's skull in with its shot! A Screaming Haradrim warrior fell from the crashing beast and died. The others held on for dear life but were shot to death by the Warriors of the Horde.
Then suddenly and iron fisted hand grabbed the Orc Commander and pulled him from the controls, the last Urk roared at him, kicking away his Warlord's Street Sweeper, raising his brutal sword for the kill! The a pair of dagger ripped through his back and he droped his sword howling in agony as the last Forsaken stuck him. The Undead warrior backed away allowing the Orc Commander to pick up his Axe. The urk screamed at him and with a brutal chop the commander removed the Urks head.
The Orc Commander turned to his few remaining warriors, surveying the battlefield, littered with friend and foe alike. Then he pulled back his head and loosed one long roar that was answered by his brothers and sisters of the Horde.
"FOR THE HORDE!"
Mordor:
Orcs- 0
Urk-hai- 0
Haradrim- 0
Easterlings- 0
Cave Trolls- 0
Horde:
Orcs- 2
Forsaken- 1
Darkspear Trolls- 1
Blood Elves- 1
Tauren- 1
Winner!
The Horde!
Cut back to fight club where Ranger and Joe sat in rather comfy looking office chairs.
"After ten thousand battles," Ranger explained. "The Horde emerged victorious 70% of the time. Due to their superior weapons, armor, and discipline."
"Yep," Joe agreed. "Mordor may be good when they out numbered the enemy but their lack of discipline and low morale made them run many times during the battles without organizing a proper rear guard. The Horde meanwhile kept its focus even in the worst situations.
"This is bullshit!" Gothmog shrieked!
"I've had enough of this!" Belmont shouted.
"Lok tar Ogar!" Saurfang roared before he and the other Horde experts clashed with the Mordor experts.
"Well this is certainly amusing," Ranger said.
"Try to leave Gothmog alive so he can clean up all of his spit!" Joe called over the screams as Shagrat lost an arm.