I Can't Do This Anymore
Life in the Banks house from Adam's POV
A/N: Hey! Ktbeanz here. Okay, just some background… This is before Adam moves into the dorms (if he does at all). It's set in the end of the Ducks' freshman year. Mikey is Adam's older brother. This is almost like a diary entry type of story. Oh, and it's a one-shot.
New record. I got home about 15 minutes ago and my dad has been pissed for around 12 of those 15. Figures. I honestly don't know why the fuck I can't go a single day without pissing him off. I mean, it didn't even take 2 minutes to do it today. I really wish I knew what was wrong with me.
I think he hates me. He's always pissed at me for things that I can't really control, and now I think he's mad because I made plans with the Ducks. I'm just not sure why he hates me so much. I really didn't try to make him mad. I just want him to love me like any other father loves his son.
I fucked up again. As usual. I don't get it. I really don't try to make him mad. I'm so sorry that I'm not the child he wanted. I want him to love me like he loves Mikey, but I don't know if that's possible. I don't know how to change to his liking and I feel like no matter how I change, he'll always be able to find something that makes him unhappy. Something that merits yelling, cussing, and threatening to not let me see the Ducks anymore… threatening to take me out of Eden Hall.
I don't wanna cry anymore. I really don't. I just want he and I to get along. It doesn't seem possible. Today what I got in trouble for was absolutely ridiculous. I'm so sorry I'm not what he wants in a son like Mikey is. It's seems like he's molded me to this image in his mind of the perfect little kid who is always home by curfew, never procrastinates, is top of his class, and participates in sports. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint him, but I'm not happy being that kid.
I wish I knew what was so wrong with me that makes me do the dumb things I do that get me into trouble. I mean, it seems to me that some of the things I'm yelled at for are things I can't control, but I must be wrong. There's gotta be something wrong with me. I need to know. I need to fix it. I'm such a failure as a good son... and I'm an emotional wreck when he goes off on me like this.
He actually scripted me for something to say to Charlie about why I can't go with them (the Ducks) to the mall on Saturday. I swear, this man controls my every move! I might as well not have opinions of my own anymore. Either that or be a complete and total pushover. Those two options would almost guarantee a decrease in fighting.
Of course, it'll never really stop. There will always be something about me that's flawed. Something that he finds unacceptable… whether it is about my appearance, behavior, friends, life, school, or whatever, I'll never be what he wanted. I'll never be the son he hoped for. I would love nothing more, but it can never be. He will never be happy with me. For this, I'm sorry.
All I really know is that I can't do this anymore. I can't keep acting like everything is fine and dandy. It's not, and it never has been. I'm so done pretending that we have the perfect relationship just so he looks good to his friends and co-workers. I've dealt with it my whole life, but this is it. I can't do it for one more day.
I wish I could make this better. I really wish I could. But I can't. This is the way it always has been, and this is the way it always will be. Suddenly, the idea moving out is looking a lot better than staying much longer. That way, he won't be suffering through living with me, and I won't constantly feel inadequate. That way, the two separate universes that we seem to live in will not be smashed so closely together. I'm not saying that I hate him or even dislike like him for that matter. I'm just saying that life would be a lot easier on everyone in this house if I didn't live in it. What is wrong with me? I only wish I knew.
A/N: Okay, that's the end. It was extremely choppy and raw, I know, but that's the way I wanted it. So go ahead and do your thing… hit that review button please.