He's not exactly sure when he realizes it—really though, how does one pinpoint the moment you realize you prefer to be the DVD player than the actual DVD. It just happens.
He wakes up and wants to Jack-Off to Sammy instead of Samantha—he knows it's permanent because he remembers Tyler; yes Tyler Lockwood.
They weren't ever a "they" and Jeremy doesn't remember most of it—he thinks it was at that point in his life that his liver totally bailed.
They do it at party's—mostly at the Lockwood mansion—there are so many rooms and Jeremy contains the grins, because there are just as many memories; when they go to his house—nobody's ever home.
He doesn't realize that Jenna knows—she always knows but she appreciates the idea that Jeremy's no longer alone.
He and Tyler are a reckless mess of limbs and groans, Tyler tops all the time—he's assertive like that and Jeremy's to high/drunk—buyer's choice—to care, the sensations are obligatory here; he prioritizes. Tyler's good—he always knows what he needs, rather it's rough; hair pulling and screaming, the scraping of teeth down his back as the older boy tastes his skin—or even gentle, slow thrusts that make him see stars and forget his last name—either way he gets addicted to Tyler Lockwood and it's easy too—he remembers now, how he use to dream about the older boy; all that dark hair, those cheekbones and those muddy eyes, how it use to feel to have the older boys muscle'd form pound against his, stroking, and pushing—he never had a problem getting hard—he knows why now.
Then again neither did Tyler.
He's not heartbroken when Tyler finds Caroline—because by then their so much more then fuck buddies and; yeah maybe he feels the space empty out when Tyler's no longer there to fill it, he figures he'll always love the other boy—but he's not in love with him.
Besides now he can go back to liking girl's right? It was just a phase.
A phase.
Anna doesn't register in his mind because now that he thinks about it—he didn't love her; he loved what she was—what she could be to him, not what she was. When he "loved" Anna, Jeremy Gilbert had long since been dead from the inside out. It's much the same for Vicki.
After Jenna's death Jeremy forgets about being sexually ambiguous—he's surrounded in death, he decides "finding" himself can take a back-seat
He tries with Bonnie because she's gorgeous, and she makes him forget about how much his life sucks—she's the strongest person he's ever met and Jeremy thinks its nature's course to put the strong with the week. He loves Bonnie—loves her skin, her kisses and the way she acts with him—so loving and giving, reminds him there's breath in his long with her touch, her mouth, her moans—but he's familiar with the feeling, loving someone and yet not being in love with them—but he doesn't want to hurt her. He knows her now—well he always knew her—when she was just "Bunny" the cute little girl Elena use to chase around his house when they were both younger, but he knows Bonnie now and she's not as tough as she acts—she's as fragile as the rest—if not more.
But he's tired of pretending—he's been pretending since he took his first breath.
He doesn't have too though—it's messy but when Anna comes back—because yeah he sees the dead now—he's sexually confused and a necromancer; makeshift YA NOVEL in play—he kisses her; thinking about it now makes him feel like a dick; because he didn't do it to because he loved Anna—it was to have an excuse to end things with Bonnie—he loves her to this day but she hates his guts.
It hurts—but not as much as lying to himself does.
He goes on a binge after Bonnie—he likes guys; he comes to terms with it through Mike and Ben, and Cody and his favorite; Adrian—Elena doesn't notice; as if she would.
When it happens with Matt, he knows he's made an uh-oh—it's just that the other boy makes his palms sweat, his eyes wide and his dick hard—he's another Tyler Lockwood in the making; all the blonde hair, those fucking eyes—blue as hell eyes—and that quarter back build; Jeremy thinks that if Matt were any hotter he'd turn into a real gay guy—shorts and heels; name himself Jessica.
When Matt undresses in front of him one day in the backroom at the Grill he can't take it anymore—he's a horny, emotionally charged and ruined kid with the power to speak to the dead; for fucks sake it's insanity and when he kisses Matt…he doesn't expect the older boy to kiss him back; but when he does Jeremy knows enough to know what do next; he grabs a handful of Matt's hair, pulls, and Matt is kissing him back, biting his tong and sucking it and Jeremy is forgetting what planet this is. When he goes for the older boy's zipper Matt seems to remember he likes chicks and ditches Jeremy for an apron and the bar out front without a word and a face the color of strawberry cheesecake.
Jeremy thinks it's fitting that he's shirtless in the freezer with the hard-on of the century.
He tells Elena after that because—shit he almost fucked her ex-boyfriend in the freezer of her favorite restaurant/bar; seems about time to tell 'er.
It goes like this;
Jeremy: Hey Lena
Elena: Hey Jer
Jeremy: So I got something to tell you
Elena: Like?
Jeremy: I like guys
Elena: Oh Jer-
Jeremy: No…Lena, I like guys (he adds "infuses" by shoving his index finger into a whole formed by the two fingers on his left hand)
Elena: O_O Oh! Ugh…you sure?
Jeremy: Pretty sure Lena
Elena: Um…okay, well thanks for telling me?
Jeremy: just doing my civic duty
She no longer asks him about his sex life—he talks about it anyway just to see her squirm
Jeremy starts drawing again—he's happier than he's ever been, he practices with his new superpower too—he doesn't tell Elena but sometimes he talks to Jenna. When he tells her he's gay she just smiles and says "no shit Sherlock". He misses her more than anything.
Then there's the trouble with Klaus—and death is on his doorstep—he's surrounded by it, and shit is just—it's happening.
Stefan leaves; trades in his forest boy badge for Jack the Rippers number; Elena's distraught
Tyler gets his neck snapped and wakes up as Frankenstein's creation; Caroline's heartbroken
Damon nearly dies, but leave it to fate to make sure he survives—Jeremy tries his best not to be bitter
his nightmares start up again soon after
Jeremy notices it, but respects his sister enough not to tell her that she's heading down cheating Slut Avenue.
Jeremy's getting kidnapped by that crazy bitch from Parent Trap, and Damon's her backseat driver, there looking for a "Michael"—and Jeremy is forced once again to act as the door to the dead to find him—Damon leaves him with Katherine because Elena's in trouble and when Katherine turns her back Jeremy says a quick prayer to the god he's not sure exists that his sister doesn't die.
He needs her.
Jeremy asks Katherine how she does it on the drive back and it's a testament to how smart she really is that she knows what he means "it helps when you realize that in the end only you can be happy all of the time—spending your life trying to please the ones around you only brings hell; and you seem to have plenty of that already" when she drops him off in Mystic Falls he tells her "they love you to you know—there's Elena now but they'll always love you" he shut's the door after that—debt paid.
Jeremy and Matt are cool—and it's good because Jeremy thinks about him often, about his shoulders, his light hair, his smile and the rich sound of his voice—Jeremy worries that he might love him—it's kind of terrifying because when Jeremy loves something it either dies or leaves him.
When Damon "compels" him to Denver Jeremy's not really sure what he's pissed about more the fact that Elena has broken her promise to him—or the fact that she still neglects to realize that there are other people by her side besides the Salvatore's—but he plays his part; acts like the "widdle" lost pup and makes his eyes glazed and wide—listens to Damon's big brother spiel—it's quite good, he must have known this was coming; if Elena won't give him the draws Jeremy at least figures he deserves an Oscar—and says goodbye to Mystic Falls like a bad habit the next day—he doesn't say goodbye to Matt
In Denver Jeremy's kinda slutty—he wants to be pissed about what his Sisters done; but he loves her and he gets it—gets what it feels like not to know.
He sleeps with everything that moves—and even has a threesome with this straight guy and his girlfriend; Jeremy completely ignores the chick—yeah he likes dick.
Matt calls and it's—strange to hear the others boy's voice; the jock acts like nothing happened and Jeremy's a good actor—before long there bros again and Jeremy spends Saturday night jacking off to the idea of it being something more
When the original dude—Kol—comes to town, Jeremy is better at this then Elena. He acts like the compelled little circus mutt so that he can survive—he can't die, not now that he has an Idiot sister to protect who needs protecting, if not from Klaus then surely from herself. Besides Kol has a fantastic ass.
Elena comes to town and she brings Damon—ugh. They're here to "take him home" but Kol has other ideas—shit ensues and his life is once again a teenage drama.
Jeremy can admit it—Damon is one pretty son-of-a-bitch; those lips, that hair and that body—but Jeremy's not stupid—not like Elena is. It's not even because he's bitter over the many times that he's died and that Damon has been responsible for; because that's not the deal—Jeremy doesn't hold grudges; trust that life is too short—but it's simply because Jeremy knows that she's meant to be with Stefan—he's not close with either brother, but he sees the way Stefan stares at Elena; see's the way the older boy is willing to give his damn intestines to see her fit and breathing—he sees Damon is willing to do the same but the difference is that Damon wants her to have her—he sees it in the subtle ways Damon does things like walk around shirtless in front of her—it's a treat but he's an ass—or touch her when it's not necessary—Damon has a case of love—but not in love, and it's the story of Jeremy's life. He tells Damon one night while Elena's asleep—the older man's hair is still sexed from earlier where he ran into Elena's mouth.
"Why don't you let her go? This is wrong—your wrong, and you'll only get hurt" Damon gives him a strange look, and then says
"I don't know anything else—not anymore"
Jeremy thinks he likes Damon a bit more—it's the whole being "relatable" thing.
Back in Mystic Falls things are borderline normal—except now Klaus is pissed.
Jeremy and Matt start a "something". They don't talk about it 'cept when it's happening—Jeremy's okay with that—okay with the way the older boy touches him, kisses him and bites him—he loses himself in the Idea that this can be his life—that Matt can be his, that he can keep him alive, and stay alive in turn—he forgets reality but reality refuses to be forgotten.
Jeremy loves Matt—he loves the way Matt is a totally different person in the bedroom; attentive and sweet, but wild almost, crazed and back-braking; loves that he wakes up soar on Matt's couch because they couldn't make it to the bed—and Matt got pissed that Jeremy beat him in Street Fighter.
He loves Matt in that all-consuming way; he's sure there no Stefan/Elena; he thinks there more Damon/Elena; in the way that they crave each other but no they can't do…whatever they are.
Matt tells him one night, knee deep inside of him, his body slamming Jeremy's into the carpet—fuckkkk so much rug-burn—he moans it breathlessly as he bites a new whole in Jeremy's ear lobe
"fuck c-can't love you, love you, mine"
translation: I love you but I can't, I just want you to be mine—Jeremy agrees whole-heartily
Reality comes back with a vengeance the night that Matt "dies". It's the same night Elena dies and Jeremy has never dealt with so much at one time—he remembers the night in flashes of tears and screams; he cuts himself—it's something he hasn't done in over 2 years; and he's so high that it could have all been a dream for all he knows.
He thinks that it doesn't matter that he's gay, or that he loves Matt so much it aches, or even that he's smarter than the rest of the damn town gives him credit for—because it will never matter as long as the angel of death holds fast in his back pocket—in the back pocket of all of them—nothing will ever matter.