Hi there! I've previously posted this elsewhere but I figured I'd share it here too. I gotta be honest and say that I am very new to the Star Wars fandom so any feedback is definitely appreciated :)
With that being said, this won't really touch on any main storylines, it's mainly just a couple of chapters about Obi-Wan pining!
Thanks for reading!
Obi-Wan had lost count of how many times he had found himself in this exact spot in the past few weeks. It was beautiful, to be sure, especially at this time of day when the sun was setting on the horizon and bathing the view in a pink glow. Perhaps Coruscant wasn't the most aesthetic of planets, but he did enjoy a sunset - no matter where it was. He was surprised that no others found this small balcony appealing, but perhaps that was due to the fact that it was so high up within the temple.
Life had become more and more difficult as of late, with war on the horizon and his own personal problems escalating with each passing day. This time it was Anakin, but tomorrow with the Council meeting scheduled in the early morning, his thoughts (and eyes) would inevitably drift to-
"You are troubled, Master Kenobi."
He was so lost in thought he had barely noticed her sneak up on him - a rare feat. The calm seeped into his being, dissolving the tension in his shoulders and clearing the uneasy fog that clouded his mind. 'Troubled' was slowly becoming a default setting, but that faded with her presence. It always did. That was one of his personal problems.
"I suppose I am." Obi-Wan smiled half-heartedly as her intelligent eyes studied him. He cursed the heat he could feel creeping upon his cheeks when her appraising gaze flickered across his face and met his own.
They had known each other for decades now, since they were both younglings, and after all these years he had hoped that he would outgrow his childish infatuation. It had been weeks since he had seen her last, too long in his opinion, but he never allowed himself to question why he thought that…even if he already knew.
The thoughts that would run through his mind when he was off-planet, somewhere far from the Council and far from the rules, were bad enough…he told himself that they were wrong, that he shouldn't entertain them. What did it matter how she would look waking up beside him every morning? Yes, the younglings adored her, but why should that make him ponder how good a mother she would be? Perhaps her voice sounded as beautiful as she looked, but why should that make him question what his name would sound like on her lips, over and over again?
He had disapproved of similar thoughts in Anakin where the Senator was involved, he couldn't be a hypocrite, he needed to set an example. But how could he, when she looked at him so fondly with those warm and intelligent eyes? When she smiled that serene smile, and comforted him with a familiarity that only his old Master had shown.
She knew him better than anyone, and in return, he knew her better than anyone.
Obi-Wan cleared his throat lightly, casting his eyes back to overlook Coruscant in a vain attempt to shake away his traitorous thoughts.
"I didn't expect to see you here." He said, not unkindly.
She was usually teaching the younglings, or in the library. More often than not, she would be meditating high up in the temple where no one usually thought to look for her. He knew she connected to the Force on a deeper level than most, much like her old Master.
"I could feel your distress." He would always be astounded by her ability to do so. He was a guarded Jedi Master who let nothing of his emotions be known, and yet somehow she would always feel them. It alarmed him more often than not, not because he was scared to have another read him (her Master Yoda saw to it regularly), but because she was the only one he had thoughts and feelings to hide from. She was his closest friend, but he didn't want to outright admit he wanted her to be more.
"My apologies, I didn't mean to be a burden." He frowned, but sounded somewhat distracted to her ears.
Obi-Wan could feel her eyes resting on him, but made no move to look away from the horizon. One glance could bring the wall tumbling down, and he had so desperately tried to keep it between them, he couldn't risk it now. Not when he had spent years denying himself the one thing he had ever truly wanted, in the name of the Code.
"There is no need to apologise, you're never a burden to me, Obi-Wan." She replied softly.
And then she would say things like that, things he would read into for days on end before finally convincing himself that he was being foolish. It was perfectly acceptable for a friend to say such a thing, it was no grand proclamation of love. Not that he wanted one in the first place, it would only make his life more difficult than it already was.
Thankfully (depending on how he looked at it), his mind was sent down a different path toward a different concern when she spoke next. He wondered if she had taken pity on him.
"Your Padawan, you worry about him."
"As all Masters do, I'm sure." He smiled demurely, running a hand over his beard.
"You are no ordinary Master, and Anakin is no ordinary Padawan." She gently pointed out.
It was silly, the way his heart raced as soon as he felt her hand rest on his forearm in reassurance, but he was completely powerless when it came to the effect she had on him. Focus. He didn't quite understand how he was particularly extraordinary, Anakin was 'The Chosen One' so that was understandable, but he was just another Master.
He had been doubting himself more and more recently, questioning whether it was truly wise of him to have accepted Anakin as a Padawan. The pressure that came with being The Chosen One's Master was something he hadn't given much thought too as a young padawan himself, something he regretted in moments of doubt. Surely someone as talented as Master Yoda would have been a better alternative, the evidence literally stood beside him. But he had made a promise, and even if he doubted himself, he would see it through.
"So much doubt…" She murmured with a frown, how could he not see himself the way others saw him…the way she saw him? Intelligent and charming, caring and loyal…he was an impressive Jedi, and an even more impressive man. Knowing that he didn't see it himself, hurt her more than he knew. She had watched him grow both mentally and physically over the years, and to see his usual confidence failing was troubling.
Obi-Wan's eyes finally snapped in her direction, and he noted the sadness tainting her lovely features. Something in the back of his mind encouraged him to say something -anything- to rid her of the expression. He ignored the urge, beating it down with logic.
"Do you not see it?"
See what? Obi-Wan cocked a curious brow and she turned her piercing gaze onto him once more, the light of the setting sun blazing within the dark orbs. He couldn't look away if he tried.
"Shall I show you, then?"
Obi-Wan hesitated, knowing exactly what she was asking and fearing the outcome. To share thoughts seemed simple in theory, and even if she was offering her own, who was to say that his own desire for her wouldn't make itself known? He didn't have long to decide before she made the decision for him.
Her lips quirked up half-heartedly, and he could see something familiar in her expression -disappointment?- as well as another emotion he couldn't identify. If only he could read her as easily as she could read him.
"Perhaps another time. Tell me about your Padawan…I can feel his uncertainty." She changed the subject easily, knowing his concern for Anakin would outweigh his curiosity where her thoughts were involved.
That's new, Obi-Wan mused. She had never spoken about any connection she apparently shared with Anakin. The two had met before, several times over the years, but not nearly enough for them to be comfortable with one another. Perhaps, he thought, Anakin could benefit from some more time alone with her. She was a skilled Master herself and she had a way of soothing even the most troubled of minds. Yes, he would see to it that Anakin sought her out soon.
"I fear his feelings will overpower him." There was hardly any hesitation on Obi-Wan's part. He trusted her with his life, telling her of Anakin's romantic attachment to the Senator was a risk with anyone else, but not her. Still, as the words passed his lips, he couldn't help but note that it was not only Anakin he was worried about in that respect.
"Young Anakin feels emotion far greater than most, but his fear is not the outcome of his attachment, rather it is the cause of it."
The two thought their relationship was some secret that Obi-Wan knew nothing about, but they were foolish to think that he couldn't easily see through them both. Apparently, Anakin's Master was not the only one who could sense such things. It made Obi-Wan question whether the Council was already aware too, but that was a concern for another time.
Her words made him think. Without the fear of losing Padmé would Anakin still cling to her so tightly? Love and obsession were two very different things, and Anakin often blurred that line. Obi-Wan could begrudgingly leave the two be as long as that line wasn't crossed, he feared for Anakin otherwise.
"How do I eliminate that fear?"
She hummed with a small smile, as if knowing he wouldn't like her answer.
"By giving him one less threat to worry about."
"If we can locate-"
"Not the Separatists, Obi-Wan…but yourself."
Obi-Wan looked at her incredulously, earning a soft chuckle from her. He wasn't a threat! He had held his tongue this long, kept their secret despite the rules they were breaking…he couldn't have been a threat.
"I-I'm not sure I understand." Obi-Wan's brows furrowed, his long hair looking as tidy as ever even when he shook his head in denial.
"Talk to your Padawan." She smiled gently. "If he fears the Council bringing an end to his relationship, it will only turn him against them."
So she wanted him to tell Anakin that he knew. It would probably alleviate some of the pressure, knowing that he didn't have to hide such a secret from his Master and friend, but then what? What if this wasn't the only part of the Jedi Code that Anakin doubted? What happened if he continued to break the rules? Would he expect Obi-Wan to let him without punishment over and over?
"You're saying I should let it all play out. What of the Code?" He asked, cocking a brow skeptically.
"The Code, like all things in life, cannot be blindly followed."
If one did not believe in such things, to force them to adhere to it would do more harm than good. Anakin had never agreed to the no attachment rule, and while he was a child it was fine, he could be somewhat controlled as a youngling. But now? As a grown man? It would only raise his anger and create conflict.
"I see…and, do you agree? That perhaps there is a place for these emotions within the Jedi?" Obi-Wan turned his gaze to the stone railing before him, avoiding her gaze. Truly fascinating, how someone so confident could flounder so easily in the presence of one they admired. For a moment he even cursed himself for asking, why did he keep doing this to himself? There was no reason for it, he didn't need to know. She would never return his feelings, and even if she did, she would never act on them.
Most thought he was a model Jedi, unfeeling in all aspects of romance, with no room for the distraction that came with attachment. But he wasn't. He had never voiced it to anyone, but it was his feelings for her that often motivated him to be the best possible Jedi he could be. If it meant keeping her safe, he would do whatever the Council ordered him to do. She was pure light and he never wanted to see anything taint her. Unfortunately, she too was an excellent Jedi, and he knew she wouldn't entertain the same thoughts he did. She was above attachment and lo-
He bit his lower lip, as if physically reprimanding himself for so easily losing track of his thoughts.
"A place for them? Always. You have felt them yourself. It is merely a matter of acting on these emotions that separates Master from Padawan." She smiled fondly, a knowing look in her eyes. "The Code does not prohibit emotion, Obi-Wan, merely suggests that they should not interfere with your morals."
He was certain that those words would haunt him for years to come. How could they not, when they offered him so much hope? Hope he had spent years trying to beat down and suppress, in order to convince himself that nothing could come of his affections. She knew, he knew that she knew. She could not read him so easily without knowing of his feelings for her, surely.
So why would she say such things, give him such hope, if his feelings weren't in some way returned? She would not be so cruel.
"Thank you, your insight as always, has been…enlightening." He almost cringed at the awkward tone his voice had taken.
"I am glad to hear it." She smiled warmly, and he felt his heart race at the sight. "You best be off, Anakin is searching for you."
She would never cease to amaze him.
"Right, until next time then." He bowed his head in respect, eyes lingering on her own longer than necessary, before sweeping out of the room as gracefully as he always did.
It was only once he had disappeared that she allowed her own shoulders to slump, her heart hammering in her chest and heat spreading across her cheeks. How he didn't notice the effect he had on her -the effect he had always had on her- she didn't know. But she had waited so long for him already, she could wait a little longer…
Please let me know if you see any mistakes, and I hope it wasn't too bad!