The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any GI Joe characters was thrown out of an airplane. Not even this idea is mine. This was co-written by ColdFusion 180! Enjoy another mad little fic!
Know Your Joe: Thunder
"Ahhh, now this is what I call living," Shipwreck grinned reclining back in content. "It's about time we traveled around in comfort and style. Perfect for a man of refined taste."
"Too bad you don't have any," Low Light quipped as he relaxed in his seat. "But even I have to admit this is a nice change of pace."
"You said it, man," Alpine smiled fluffing his pillow. A group of Joes were seated in the first-class section of a large commercial airplane. "This beats sacking out in the cramped, noisy bay of a cargo plane any day."
"We would be traveling in a cargo plane if it wasn't for the mess you all made during that last mission," Duke glared at them from across the aisle.
"What's your point?" Shipwreck asked. "I'm seriously asking."
"You idiots made a mess of monumental proportions even for you!" Duke snapped. "I can still hear General Hawk screaming at me!"
"Hey, we succeeded in stopping that group of wackos from taking over the pharmaceutical plant and using it to make nerve gas," Dial Tone protested.
"Yes, and you also wrecked six choppers and a pair of Skystrikers by drowning them in glue," Flint added.
"How were we supposed to know there was a glue factory right next to the pharmaceutical plant?" Bazooka asked innocently.
"The big sign proclaiming it to be the largest super glue manufacturer in the country might have been a clue," Low Light drawled sarcastically.
"I hate to say it guys," Lifeline said. "But by stopping the terrorists using glue, we saved the entire valley. And it was technically non-violent."
"Wait until we get back to the base," Duke groaned. "Then you'll see some violence!"
"I have to admit," Roadblock said. "Using the glue made those terrorists quickly quit!"
"That's because they couldn't move!" Duke groaned. "And neither could traffic for miles!"
"We did save millions of lives," Lifeline pointed out.
"And probably cost millions of dollars in damage!" Duke snapped.
"I'm sure that glue company is insured," Alpine waved.
"For a terrorist related glue explosion?" Duke shouted. "I'd love to see that policy!"
"Eh, I didn't hear any complaints," Shipwreck waved.
"That's because you weren't within screaming distance of Lift Ticket and Wild Bill," Lifeline groaned. "They both had to be dragged kicking and screaming from the sticky remains of their wrecked choppers."
"Okay, those two might have been a little upset, but the heads of the drug and glue plants sure weren't," Shipwreck pointed out. "They practically fell over themselves offering to arrange us a ride back to the Pit."
"Only because they were scared stiff of what more damage you'd do if we stayed around any longer," Duke sighed. "They bought this plane as it was literally sitting on the runaway and gave it to us on the spot!"
"Good thing it came well stocked and with full tanks of gas," Sci-Fi pointed out.
"And with snacks," Bazooka smiled munching on some pretzels.
"I love anything that comes with free alcoholic drinks," Shipwreck grinned gulping from a glass. "Now if only this craft came supplied with a crew of pretty airplane stewardesses too!"
Lady Jaye looked at him. "You realize that you are a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen right?"
"You and flight attendants are a bad combination," Roadblock groaned. "Like hurricanes and dynamite on vacation!"
"I got my hurricane right here," Shipwreck grinned as he drank.
"Oh no you don't!" Beach Head snatched Shipwreck's glass and threw it into the bathroom.
"Hey!" Shipwreck snapped. "That's a waste of good alcohol! And a halfway decent glass."
"I'm not cleaning that up," Low Light said.
Beach Head snapped. "You yahoos aren't going to spend this whole trip drunk!"
"Yeah, if we do everyone at the Pit will be angry at us for not saving any booze for them," Low Light quipped.
"To be fair," Lifeline said. "It's only Shipwreck that gets drunk."
"I do not always get drunk!" Shipwreck protested.
"He's right," Alpine said. "He's nuts enough sober. I mean who do you think had the idea to use the glue factory?"
"Honestly with this group it's a toss-up," Duke sighed.
"I haven't flown commercial in a while," Roadblock ran a hand over his well-padded seat. "I have to admit I like their style."
"Yeah, these planes come with everything nowadays," Lady Jaye indicated the features. "Seatback screens, power outlets, wi-fi. They even give real-time weather and flight status."
"Here's our status," Duke groaned. "Mostly crazy with a high chance of doom."
"Too bad the legroom is still as cramped as ever," Flint grumbled. "Bazooka stop kicking my seat!"
"I am not kicking your seat!" Bazooka said. "Alpine is!"
"Nuh uh!" Alpine snapped. "It's you Bazooka!"
"Is not!" Bazooka snapped. "You're doing it Alpine!"
"I am not!" Alpine snapped. "You are!"
"No, you are!" Bazooka snapped.
"You are!" Alpine shouted.
"If you two don't knock it off I'm turning this plane around!" Duke shouted. "I MEAN IT!"
"Well, this is going to be a fun six-hour flight back to the Pit," Low Light signed closing his eyes. "Might as well try to catch some sleep."
"Am not!" Bazooka said.
Alpine snapped. "Are too!"
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
"Good luck with that," Shipwreck snickered. "I can't think of anything more annoying than the Katzenjammer Kids back there going at it."
Suddenly every screen in the cabin came to life. "Greetings friends! Welcome back to the show that refuses to quit!" Short Fuse cheered.
"Despite everyone else begging us to," Quick Kick added.
"Oh no," Duke blanched at the array of screens showing the smiling images of Short Fuse and Quick Kick. "Not again!"
"I just had to open my big fat mouth," Shipwreck moaned.
"I need an airsick bag," Low Light moaned.
"Turn it off!" Beach Head jumped out of his seat and pounded on the door to the cockpit only to be answered by the maniacal laughter of Lift Ticket and Wild Bill. "YOU JERKS ARE GONNA PAY FOR THIS!"
"NO, YOU'RE GOING TO PAY!" Wild Bill whooped.
"PAYBACK IS SO, SO SWEET!" Lift Ticket was heard laughing. "ENJOY YOUR INFLIGHT SHOW!"
"I SWEAR TO GOD YOU TWO ARE GOING THROUGH A PT SESSION SO TOUGH…" Beach Head roared. "EVEN I WOULD HATE IT!"
"And that's bad!" Shipwreck shouted.
"So is this show," Duke groaned.
"This show comes as a special treat for a select group of viewers today!" Quick Kick beamed from the multitude of screens. "We know air travel can often be dull and boring, so we decided to put on a show just for those team members who are currently in transit to and from missions."
"I'd rather be tied up in one of Cobra's dungeons than watch another round of this garbage," Alpine moaned. "At least in the dungeons it's quiet!"
"I knew we should have brought some of the glue back with us to seal those two idiot's mouths shut once and for all," Low Light groaned. "Note to self, find a place that sells industrial strength glue."
"I can help with that," Shipwreck remarked.
"Depending on travel conditions it might be difficult to hear us," Short Fuse said. "We have a guest here who knows all about loud noises: Thunder!"
"Hi there!" Thunder waved at the camera. "Can everybody hear me?"
"I wish I couldn't," Roadblock sighed.
"How many Joes are there?" Bazooka blinked. "Seriously, I barely remember this guy!"
"He drives…some kind of vehicle," Lady Jaye blinked. "Duke?"
"Even I don't remember," Duke blinked.
"I know some of you don't remember Thunder," Short Fuse said. "That's one of the points of this show…"
"This show has a point?" Shipwreck groaned.
"To help our viewers remember the Joes that don't get as much screen time," Quick Kick added. "Honestly some of you guys are drama hogs."
"Cough! Shipwreck!" Short Fuse mock coughed. "Cough! Duke! Cough! Beach Head!"
"What the hell did I do?" Beach Head shouted. "SERIOUSLY! EXPLAIN THIS TO ME RIGHT NOW WHAT I DID! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!"
"Maybe we'll get lucky and the plane will get struck by lightning," Low Light hoped.
"Planes are designed to survive being hit by lightning," Flint told him. "When they're hit, nothing happens."
"If only that same principle applied to this show," Dial Tone moaned.
"Let's get on with the show," Quick Kick looked at his notes. "So, your real name is Matthew Harris Breckinridge and you're from Louisville, Kentucky, correct?"
"Yep, born and bred," Thunder beamed proudly. "My parents had a house near the main railyard and I grew up right next door to a foundry. And we were only a few miles from the local airport."
"Wow, that must have been annoying," Short Fuse commented. "Being exposed to all those loud noises all the time."
"What are you talking about? It was great," Thunder smiled. "Nothing like some sweet crash bangs and hard clangs and some good ground rumble to make you feel alive!"
"That's one way to put it," Low Light groaned. "I'd go with insane…"
"Living next to a foundry came with all kinds of perks," Thunder continued. "Every time I'd play outside late at night I'd claim I couldn't hear my mom yelling at me to come back in. Sometimes I'd stay out till two or three in the morning!"
"Could you hear your mom yelling at you?" Quick Kick asked.
"It doesn't matter," Thunder waved. "But she'd sure wail at me on school days. She always claimed I needed more sleep, but I reassured her that I could always sleep during class."
"Eh, that's nothing," Shipwreck scoffed. "I'd sleep through classes and I didn't use some lame excuse like that."
"Yeah, you used much lamer excuses," Low Light quipped.
"Plus, the airplanes flying overhead our house really made a nice rumbling noise that could help me go to sleep like that," Thunder snapped his fingers. "Like when you are lying in bed and can hear a train in the distance. Only it was a lot closer and a lot louder."
"I'm guessing your parents weren't exactly fans of where you lived," Quick Kick asked.
"Actually, it didn't bother them that much," Thunder shrugged. "My Dad had an unfortunate incident with a mule, some bottle rockets and a skateboard so he was deaf in one ear. He could barely hear the noise."
"Or your mother I'll bet," Short Fuse snickered.
"That too," Thunder shrugged.
"So, I take it your mother was not a fan of the house," Short Fuse asked.
"No," Thunder said. "But she was less of a fan of Dad's family and they wouldn't visit. And she couldn't hear the things Dad said. It was a tradeoff."
"I can imagine," Quick Kick blinked.
"Honestly the only reason those two stayed married so long is that neither of them could hear the horrible things the other said," Thunder said. "But that changed after I joined the army and the foundry closed down. And then they rerouted the airport traffic so…"
"So?" Short Fuse asked.
"So, they had their first actual conversation in almost twenty years," Thunder shrugged. "Then they realized they had nothing in common. Got a divorce the very next week. Then they went to the airport and took two different flights to different destinations. Mom moved into a hippie commune in California. Dad went to Chicago. Had a hard time adjusting until he found a nice place near the subway. He's dating one of the subway conductors."
"Must have been hard for you," Quick Kick said. "Them splitting up like that."
"Oh no," Thunder waved. "I knew from an early age that Mom and Dad weren't really compatible. I just didn't have the heart to tell them. Or basically a quiet moment to tell them."
"Oh, what I wouldn't give for some quiet now," Lady Jaye groaned. "Where the hell are those noise cancelling headphones when you need them?"
"I saw a whole box of them up front in the cockpit," Flint realized.
"Of course…" Lady Jaye groaned.
"How's your mom doing?" Quick Kick asked Thunder.
"She's dating a guru who took a vow of silence," Thunder said. "She's thrilled."
"If only we can get those two to do the same," Alpine groaned.
"I did have a happy childhood. We always had a lot of privacy at home," Thunder went on. "The foundry provided plenty of background noise so everyone could be as loud as they wanted and not disturb anyone else. Which sure came in handy during high school when I invited girls over, let me tell you!"
"Oh boy," Lifeline blushed. "I did not need to hear that!"
"None of us needed to hear that," Duke groaned.
"Are you kidding? That's the kind of stuff you want people to hear," Shipwreck declared. "It's a man's natural way of saying, 'Look at me! I'm willing and able to entertain a gal and boy am I great at it!'"
"Why do we still keep you on the team?" Lady Jaye whacked Shipwreck on the head with a magazine. "Seriously? Why?"
"Don't look at me," Beach Head grumbled. "I don't know why I bother staying on this team."
"It isn't because of your charming personality that's for sure," Flint quipped.
"Whoa, now that's a perk," Short Fuse's eyes grew wide on screen. "Care to tell us more about your teenage dating life?"
"YES!" Shipwreck cheered. "TELL US!"
To this Lady Jaye whacked him repeatedly with the magazine. "OW! OW! OW!"
"Sorry, but as a true Southern gentleman I never kiss and tell," Thunder held up a hand. "Let's just say I always lived up to my nickname with the girls!"
"O-kay," Quick Kick reluctantly moved on. "That explains where your fondness for loud noises comes from."
"Not to mention his lack of sanity," Low Light groaned. "Since the noises obviously scrambled what little he had for a brain."
"Oh yeah, I love loud noises. The louder the better," Thunder smiled. "I even tried getting an after-school job at the foundry, but they wouldn't hire me since I was underage. But I did eventually get a job at the airport cleaning the runways for 747's."
"Really? I didn't know there was such a job," Quick Kick commented.
"Well somebody has to remove the trash and dead animals remains off the runway," Thunder shrugged. "And when a goose or feral hog got sucked into an engine, boy would there be blood!"
"You don't say," Short Fuse looked a little green.
"I wish he didn't," Alpine reached for an airsick bag.
"Strangely, they really had a hard time hiring runway cleaners," Thunder went on. "And the ones they did hire didn't stay very long."
"Gee, I wonder why," Flint groaned.
"But the low labor pool and high job demand worked pretty well for me. I got a raise and made enough money in one summer to buy my little sister a pony," Thunder beamed proudly.
"Wow, that's impressive," Quick Kick admitted. "She must have loved it."
"Well, she was still pretty young at the time, so I rode the horse for a while until she was big enough to ride," Thunder explained. "I even qualified for the Kentucky Derby one year, but decided not to race."
"What? Are you crazy?" Short Fuse gasped.
"Does he even have to ask?" Duke sighed.
"Na, I just found that kind of racing too quiet for me," Thunder shrugged. "That's why I saved my money and bought a motorcycle the next year. It was much better!"
"I have to admit, he has a point," Low Light admitted.
"Don't you start!" Duke snapped.
"Now don't get me wrong. Working with horses is just fine. But there's a difference between horse power and horsepower, if you know what I mean," Thunder grinned. "Yet another reason the girls loved me! They'd ask me for dates and we'd go riding all the time!"
"Big deal. Girls are always attracted to the guy with hot wheels and wads of cash," Shipwreck waved. "But take those away and they'll go for a real man with great character and a hot bod every time!"
"How would you know what that's like?" Low Light quipped.
"Wow, those girls must have really liked riding your horse and motorcycle," Short Fuse blinked.
"Huh?" Thunder looked confused. "Oh yeah, they liked riding those too."
"Okay, now it's starting to get good," Alpine blinked.
"I'm beginning to like this show," Dial Tone smiled.
"You what?" Lady Jaye glared at them dangerously.
"Uh, nothing, nothing," Most of the male Joes gulped nervously.
"Why are you mad at us?" Shipwreck pointed to the screen. "They're the ones that are saying the stuff you don't want to hear!"
"Trust me," Lady Jaye growled. "They will get it when I get my hands on them!"
"For the record," Beach Head spoke up. "That show I want to see!"
"How did you sister like growing up near a foundry?" Quick Kick asked. "Did she have any problems?"
"Let me put it to you this way," Thunder said. "She currently makes a living managing several heavy metal bands. And goes to all the concerts."
"How about your parent's divorce?" Short Fuse asked.
"Who do you think found the apartment for Dad?" Thunder asked. "Not to mention she's the one who set him up with the subway conductor."
"So how did you end up in the army?" Quick Kick asked.
"Funny story. I was racing motorcycles during my last two years of high school," Thunder sighed wistfully. "I had a tiny accident at the end of my senior year and ended up crashing into the town hall during the Kentucky Derby Festival. And the town hall just happened to be hosting the festival's bourbon and firecracker contest."
"Oh boy. That doesn't sound good," Short Fuse winced.
"You're telling me. There were more flames from that crash than two teenagers in a Twitter war," Thunder nodded. "On the other hand, it also ended up being the origin for the annual 'Thunder over Louisville' fireworks display."
"That explains a lot," Alpine blinked. "Now I know."
"And knowing is…" Bazooka began.
"Way too overrated," Duke groaned. "Whatever happened to the concept of 'ignorance is bliss'?"
"Take a look at the blissful ignorant over here," Lady Jaye pointed to Shipwreck.
"I withdraw my question," Duke admitted.
"I'm starting to get offended here!" Shipwreck said.
"Now you know how your dates feel," Lady Jaye quipped.
"After the fires and remaining buildings burned down I decided it was a good time to leave town," Thunder said. "I joined the Army where I made my primary specialty as a self-propelled gun artilleryman."
"I see," Quick Kick nodded. "What was your reason for choosing the artillery instead of another branch of service?"
"I wanted to hear them go bang," Thunder gave him a look. "Duh!"
"Ask a stupid question," Beach Head grumbled.
"Is there any other kind of question you expect from those two?" Flint quipped.
"I have a question," Low Light groaned. "Why I haven't I shot my ears off and put myself out of my misery?"
Beach Head looked at him. "The better question is why you haven't shot them and put us all out of our misery!"
Low Light paused. "That is a better question."
"Okay, so you really love being an artilleryman, don't you?" Short Fuse asked.
"Yep, it's the greatest racket you'll ever find. Literally," Thunder grinned. "Ya see, if you know where you are, and you know where the enemy is, then artillery can be an exact science. But in the real world, artillery is half trigonometry and half blind luck."
"More like total bad luck," Roadblock groaned. "Since with this show we've all been stuck!"
"So, if you hit something, take the credit," Thunder beamed.
"And if you miss?" Short Fuse asked.
"Eh, write it off as margin of error," Thunder waved. "Which can be kinda difficult since I slept through so many writing courses as a kid. And during a lot of trigonometry classes too."
"That explains all those 'stray shots' during last month's field exercises," Duke groaned.
"No kidding. There were so many explosions afterwards we didn't have a field left," Flint moaned.
"Or a mess hall," Beach Head added. "Not to mention a few trucks, Skystrikers and tanks."
"And that K-Mart down the road," Bazooka said. "But there was no one in it at the time so…"
"Yes, artillery is my passion," Thunder smiled. "It ranks right up there with heavy metal rock and roll, fireworks, cars with bad mufflers and the 1812 Overture!"
"The 1812 Overture?" Quick Kick asked. "I didn't know you were a fan of classical music."
"I'm not," Thunder said. "I'm a fan of the cannons."
"Of course," Short Fuse groaned.
"I also am a big fan of peanut brittle," Thunder added.
"Peanut brittle?" Short Fuse blinked.
"Yep. I even have my own recipe. Here, let me show you," Thunder brought out a tray. "First, we take a fresh batch of peanut brittle right from the cooling rack like so."
"Mmmm, smells good," Quick Kick sniffed. "Obviously it wasn't made by B.A."
"And then we finish making it into brittle like this," Thunder took out a large wooden mallet and whacked the peanut brittle with it.
WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!
"Ahhhhhh!" Quick Kick and Short Fuse yelped as shards of peanut brittle flew in all directions.
"Yup, should have seen that coming," Alpine said.
"Where was he hiding the mallet?" Bazooka blinked.
"Ouch, that's going to need stiches," Lifeline sighed.
"This part of the show I like," Shipwreck snickered.
"Me too," Beach Head grinned.
"Ta da!" Thunder beamed and ate a piece of peanut brittle. "See? It's fun to make and good to eat!"
"If you say so," Quick Kick winced, covered in small cuts. "Let's move on. Now, I understand your secondary specialty is bandsman."
"That's right. I'm a fully certified drummer," Thunder beamed.
"More like certifiable," Low Light groaned.
"And you've agreed to play a little tune for our viewers out there today," Short Fuse added.
"Yep, this one is for all our fellows Joes," Thunder moved and sat behind a fully equipped drum kit. "I originally started out as a tubist, but switched to drums instead."
"Because they are louder and included in a greater variety of music?" Quick Kick asked.
"No, because with drums I can sing," Thunder grinned twirling a pair of drum sticks. "Today I'm gonna sing a song I wrote myself. I call it Let's Get Really Loud And Wake the Dead! Let's rock!"
"Let's not," Low Light was nearly blasted out of his seat as Thunder began to sing and do a drumroll.
"Oh yeah baby I love to blow stuff up!" Thunder sang wildly. "I just love to blow it up! Blow it up! Up! Up! Up! Blow stuff up with me baby! We'll blow it up! Up! Up!"
"Hey, he's not bad," Bazooka bopped his head to the beat.
"No, he's worse!" Lady Jaye held her hands over her ears. "I've been at rocket launches quieter than this!"
"I think I'm going to lose my mind," Shipwreck moaned.
"I think that already happened," Lady Jaye gave him a look.
"I wish I was deaf!" Flint groaned.
"Well, that ends the question and answer portion of our show!" Quick Kick struggled to be heard over the pounding drums and crashing cymbals accompanied by Thunder's loud wailing. "We hope you'll enjoy the following musical segment which will continue for the next three hours."
"THREE HOURS?!" The Joes screamed.
"Forget that! I'm not putting up with this!" Alpine yelped.
"Short Fuse and Quick Kick are so dead," Duke twitched with an evil look in his eye.
"That's it!" Low Light shot out of his seat. "I'm grabbing a parachute and jumping out of the plane!"
"Good idea!" Roadblock agreed. "I can't stand the pain!"
"Wait for me!" Beach Head yelled as most of the Joes desperately scrambled for the plane's supply of parachutes. "Anything is better than putting up with this stupid show!"
"This is the last time I fly this airline!" Alpine vowed.
"Guess traveling commercial isn't so great after all," Shipwreck said throwing open one of the plane's emergency doors. "SACAJAWEA!"
"I thought the phrase was Geronimo?" Lifeline shouted.
"You hang around with who you like! I'll hang around with who I like!" Shipwreck snapped as he jumped out of the plane.
"He's progressive on that front," Flint groaned. "You gotta give him that!"
"I'm going to give him plenty when we land," Lady Jaye groaned. "Seriously, Shipwreck's time was up years ago!"
"Save some for the annoying Joes!" Roadblock shouted as the Joes jumped out of the plane. "Out of this crazy plane we goes!"
Well almost all the Joes…
"I don't know what they're complaining about," Bazooka stretched out in his seat. "Thunder's not half bad. Plus…I got all the leg room I want now!"