A/N: Okay, this is really important, here. This story is not for the fainthearted. The story depicts rape, though it is only somewhat graphic, references other instances of rape, and features suicide most prominently! This is a warning, ok? If you are bothered by any of these subjects, this story is not for you. The purpose of this story is not to glorify these acts in any way, shape or form, for they are nothing of the sort.
This story is, without a doubt, a far cry from my other story in this particular fandom. And for that matter, a far cry from the movies, either, though it uses them as a basis. Not a single character resembles their counterpart in Pieces, besides physical description. I wrote this story as a test, to see if I could do it. And to present a message. Please take it as that, and once again, not as anything that could be resembling support for such things.
Disclaimer: This story is pure fiction, and thus is not meant to imply anything about the sexuality of any and all celebrities mentioned. If you are underage, or if you are offended by such stories, leave now!! Also, High School Musical is the property of Disney. It's not mine! Also, I feel compelled to add that this story in no way reflects anything about the celebrities at all.
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One Last Phone Call
By Squall Thrawn
Ryan checked his bedroom door one more time before being satisfied that it was locked. He already knew that it was locked, just as he knew that there was nobody else in the Evans Estate at that moment. It was Christmas Eve; Ryan's parents and Sharpay were off at a glamorous party while the staff had been given the night off to enjoy their holidays. Maybe, years back, Ryan might've been upset to miss the party. Now, being left home alone was the best thing ever. Wait, maybe he should look at the lock one more time. Can't be too careful, after all; otherwise, his plan would be ruined with little chance of getting another opportunity to try.
He had spent three months of tossing it about in his mind, using it as an escape to keep his mind off of the hell that was his life, and finally, tonight would be the night. Once, Ryan would have never expected that he would actually consider going through with it, and was surprised to find that now he actually welcomed it. It now seemed less like the enemy that must be fought, endlessly, and more like an old friend who really shouldn't be kept waiting any longer.
What he was talking about, of course, was death. His death, to be precise. By his own hand, no less. But what other choice was there? Ryan couldn't think of one. Before he sat down on the bed, where he had laid out everything he would need to make his dream a reality, Ryan briefly looked out the window, at the darkened land below. Too bad one generally never found snow in Albuquerque. It was an overcast night, with nary a glimpse at the stars. That was too bad. Ryan had spent many a night staring at the stars, as if hoping that somewhere in the cosmos, there was an explanation, a reason why these things had to happen to him.
Ryan had, of course, been taught, since day one, that suicide was wrong, that it was the ultimate selfish act. That when you're thinking about suicide, you're only thinking about yourself and your pain. You want it to stop, you want to escape from it. And you're not thinking about the people in your life that will have to deal with the repercussions of your actions.
'Good!' Ryan thought, fiercely. After eighteen selfless years, Ryan thought he was more than entitled to be selfish, just this once. Ryan had spent his entire life for other people, helping them, supporting them, and never received any thanks for it. And all of it was to further their ambitions, at the cost of his own sense of self.
It was for selfish people who never had a single thought in their mind other than the idea that Ryan was nothing more than a commodity to be used, an object to boost up themselves.
Take Ryan's parents, for instance. Oh, they seemed nice on the outside, naturally, like caring parents proud of both of their children. And they were indeed proud- of Sharpay, of course. Sharpay was the one that made herself known, made herself unforgettable. She boosted the reputation of the Evans family with her reputation and determination, and her parents couldn't be more proud of her. Ryan, on the other hand, was a more withdrawn person, shyer, and he generally hung back in a social situation, if allowed to. Unfortunately, he was usually forced by his parents to be outgoing, with charm oozing out of every pore, much like his sister. And most of his parents' rich friends did find him quite charming, but it was all a mask. All of it, everything they viewed about him, was all just a persona he despised, but had to put on, all the same. And so as Ryan was dragged, by his parents, to this banquet or that luncheon, he felt like much like a horse at a show, being put through its paces. He was just another gem to show off, like a necklace or brooch. His parents didn't really care about him, or about his hopes and dreams. They just worried about how he made them look.
For that matter, the general consensus of East High was that Sharpay actually cared about her twin brother, even though she could be a bit bossy at times. But that couldn't be further from the truth. The only thing she cared about was how he made her look. His personality wasn't allowed to overshadow hers; that, at least, was an easy one, considering Ryan's preference for being quiet and humble. She chose his clothes to accentuate her own outfits, and made sure his singing and choreography showed off her talents and muted his.
For all those years, Ryan had endured all of it, had lived in his sister's shadow and had dealt with the fact that any friend he had would be one that Sharpay allowed him to have. In other words, nobody.
Now, at this point, one would wonder why Ryan put up with it, all these years, and indeed, he had asked himself that same question many a time. But the answer came depressingly quickly- what else would he do? Sharpay had pretty much guaranteed that he wouldn't have a social life that didn't include her; the whole school never gave him a second glance. He was just Sharpay's brother, whatshisname. At least if Ryan followed Sharpay, somebody would acknowledge him, if only for a moment. It wasn't much, but it was all he had. Besides, after all these years spent like this, Ryan began to believe that perhaps this was what he deserved. To be the background guy that helped everybody else shine just a little bit more. After all, people seemed to think more highly of Sharpay when she did her dancing with Ryan. Maybe his carefully planned choreography did make her look better while his moves helped accentuate her performance.
But then, that summer at Lava Springs, Ryan felt like he had finally earned a reprieve from the jail cell that was his life. And as Ryan looked around his room, taking it in for one last time, he saw his favorite photograph, taken after the staff baseball game, and fondly remembered that day.
Sharpay, obsessed with winning Troy Bolton, had gone so far as to completely discard her brother, like he was a piece of refuse she didn't want or need any more. Ryan, devoid of his main purpose in life now, would've driven home, or perhaps off of a cliff, but had been stopped by Gabi and Taylor. And so had begun the baseball game that became the high point of Ryan's entire life. He had made friends of Chad Danforth, Gabriella, and a few other Wildcats. They seemed to respect him as a person, and actually talked to him directly. Ryan realized just how pathetic he was when he got that excited over the fact that people were actually talking to him, and actually meant to.
Gabriella Montez was a sweetheart, or at least she seemed to be, but Chad Danforth was the friend that Ryan was most excited about making. Chad wasn't the most popular boy at East High- that was Troy Bolton- but he was still awesome in Ryan's book. Chad was the epitome of what Ryan wished he could be, but knew he never would be. Well-liked and out-going, Chad had no problems making friends, or doing what he wanted to do. So unlike Ryan and his own life.
And for a few days that summer, Ryan actually felt like he could be himself, that he could create his own identity. He didn't have to be Sharpay's brother; he could just be Ryan Evans. He felt sure that with Chad Danforth as his guide, he could do just that.
And then, Troy Bolton happened. It was a few days after the staff pool party, and Ryan had just gotten back to his room at Lava Springs after hanging out with Chad. It had been DVD night at the Danforth residence, and Ryan had spent the evening watching the Kill Bill movies with Chad, Taylor, and Chad's older brother. Truth be told, Ryan was not a fan of violent movies, but Chad liked them, so Ryan liked them too, now.
Ryan was lying in bed, thinking of the great night he had spent at Chad's. True, Taylor, Chad's girlfriend, was there, but Ryan could deal with that. After all, Chad was straight, so he was out of bounds anyway. Just then, there was a knock at the door. Ryan sprang to the door, half hoping it was Chad, there to admit his true feelings for Ryan and sweep him off his feet.
Instead, it was Troy Bolton. He smiled friendly enough at Ryan, and asked to come in. Ryan frowned a little at the request- he and Troy were never on the best of terms, but it would've been rude to turn him down. They sat down on the bed, as Troy made some small talk about the staff pool party, and the talent show, and that Ryan was a great choreographer. Then he got to the point.
"So, I'm back with Gabriella, now," Troy said, smiling. "We're taking our relationship slow, right now. That way things are more likely to work out."
"Well, good for you, Troy," Ryan said, smiling, but still feeling a little puzzled. Why was Troy here? Surely Troy didn't want Ryan as a friend, as well? After all, he was East High's primo boy, the star Wildcats basketball player! And he wanted Ryan as a friend? That was almost unbelievable. And yet, strangely enough, as thrilling as it seemed, Ryan wasn't as excited about that, as he was about the fact that Chad Danforth- Chad Danforth!- was his friend. Cause Troy was a nice guy and all, as far as Ryan could tell, but Chad was… well, Chad.
"The problem is, though, that while I wait for Gabriella to finally be ready to have sex with me, I still have needs," Troy said, grabbing his package suggestively.
"Why the hell are you telling me this, Troy?" Ryan asked, no longer amused. "You're a nice guy, Troy, and I'd like to have you as a friend, but I don't need this much information."
"I'm telling you so you can take care of my needs," Troy said, standing up. "See, Sharpay, while I was doing the talent show with her, told me that you were gay. So, it seems to me, that means you're perfectly suited to helping me out with my problem."
"No, Troy, I am not…" Ryan couldn't finish his sentence, as Troy slapped him across the cheek, hard.
"Let's get one thing straight, faggot," Troy growled, as he loomed over Ryan. "This isn't a request. You can either stop fighting and give me what I want, or you can try to fight me and I'll take it from you. It's your choice."
And take he did. Ryan fought back valiantly, trying to defend his virtue, but Troy was much stronger than him. After a few blows to the stomach, Ryan was sobbing, wishing for the pain to stop. He barely noticed as Troy roughly jerked down his pants, but after Troy plunged in with no lube except his own spit and with no preparation, Ryan howled in agony.
"Keep your fuckin' mouth shut, bitch," Troy hissed. "You get me caught, and you'll regret it." He reached down and pulled off Ryan's sock off of his foot and shoved it in Ryan's mouth.
Ryan didn't think that Troy actually lasted long that first time, but to Ryan it felt like forever. Every once in a while Ryan would feel an involuntary rush of pleasure as Troy hit his prostate, but those moments were few and far between. The rest of the time, Ryan moaned silently, tears pouring down his face, as Troy used his body. As Troy pumped into Ryan, he told the blonde over and over how useless he was, how he didn't matter to anybody. Sharpay even knew exactly what Troy was going to do to her brother, but she didn't really care enough to stop him. And so on. Ryan tried not to listen, but as Troy pounded into him, physically and emotionally, Ryan started to believe it. Maybe he did deserve to be used like this. After all, he'd been an object all of his life, more or less.
By the time Troy finished and pulled out, Ryan felt numb. He had just been raped by East High's Golden Boy, and the pain was unbelievable. At a certain point, Ryan even tried to disconnect, to pretend that it was somebody else's body that Troy was abusing, not his own.
Troy left soon afterwards, hitting Ryan one more time in the stomach as if in warning. Not that he needed to; Ryan wasn't going to say anything. What was the point? Who would listen?
Ryan laid there in his bed a while, still crying. Ryan had never really hung out with Troy before, but he never would have guessed that the boy was capable of this. Finally stirring, Ryan hobbled to his shower and sat down in the stall, as the water poured down on him. He could see red blood running into the drain from his horribly abused hole; it positively throbbed in pain.
Ryan stayed in the shower until he started getting cold. Or maybe he was just shivering in response to what had just happened to him. No matter how badly Ryan had felt after Sharpay or his parents used him to boost themselves up, that was nothing compared to how Troy had made him feel. Like he truly was some pathetic object, designed to be used and then thrown away. Laying down gingerly on the bed, on his stomach to reduce the pain in his backside, Ryan finally fell asleep from exhaustion, his tears soaking his pillow.
And thus had begun the true nightmare of Ryan's existence. Troy came back, of course, whenever Gabriella wouldn't put out. Which was quite frequent, as it turned out. And as if that wasn't enough, Jason Cross started coming around, too, and later Zeke as well. And when all those knocks came at the door, Ryan almost began to pray for it to be Troy. Oh, Troy was rough with him, alright, and Troy liked to hit him as well, but that was nothing compared to Jason and Zeke. Jason, Ryan was to discover, liked doing kinky stuff. And since Jason was getting absolutely nowhere with Kelsi, that made him all the more frustrated and more apt to take it out on Ryan. Ryan hadn't even heard of some of the things that Jason inflicted on him. Whenever Jason came by his room, Ryan would end up staying in his room the next day, lest somebody spot the bruises and other suspicious marks that Jason left on him. As for Zeke? Well, Ryan had quickly found out that while the idea that all black guys being well-hung was just a stereotype, that stereotype did indeed come from somewhere. Zeke's member was huge, and whenever Zeke stopped by Ryan's room, there was a small issue afterwards where Ryan couldn't even sit down without pain lancing through his whole body.
With things like that foremost in his mind, it was no wonder that Ryan began to hope for Troy. Compared to the other two Wildcats, Troy was almost gentle. Especially when Ryan stopped putting up a fight. It seemed hopeless, after all- Troy would take what he wanted either way, so what was the use in fighting? Troy had his own key to Ryan's room at Lava Springs by this time; as soon as Ryan realized Troy was there, he would pull down his pants and get himself ready. Troy would do what he had come to do and then leave without another word. More than ever, it made Ryan feel more like an object than a person, but he could see no way around it.
What made things worse was when an offhand comment by Sharpay made it clear to Ryan that not only was she aware of what Troy, Zeke, and Jason were doing to him, she didn't particularly mind. The gist of her statement was at least Ryan had found a way make himself useful, finally. And as long as Ryan kept Zeke satisfied, he wasn't asking Sharpay for sex all the time.
As for Kelsi? The one time Ryan had even attempted to talk to her, in hopes that perhaps she could help him, somehow, he had quickly found out that she was completely naïve about things of a sexual nature,and would never have believed or even understood what Jason was doing to Ryan on a weekly basis.
Ryan never really heard one way or the other about Gabriella, but from comments Troy made occasionally, they were still going strong, and that she appreciated the way that Troy wasn't always pressing her to have sex with him. And Troy had made it clear that if Gabriella ever found out, Ryan wasn't going to live to see the end of that day. Since Troy's hand had been around Ryan's throat at the time, Ryan had assumed Troy really wasn't joking.
Taylor never said anything about it to Ryan, but he got the strangest feeling that she knew about what was happening to him. And yet, Ryan knew that she mustn't, because surely if she had she would've saved him from the torture, right? After all, she had no role in it, nothing to protect. Well, if you discounted the jealous looks she seemed to flash towards Ryan, at times. And discount them Ryan did; nobody could be jealous of East High's boy whore.
As for Chad? He was the only one that ever talked to Ryan as a person, as a friend. The only one that wasn't so obviously phony that Ryan could see right through them. Ryan lived for those times, every once in a while, when Chad would invite him over to watch movies, or to hang out at the mall, or whatever. Ryan wished he could spend the rest of his life with Chad, even if Chad was straight. Maybe Chad needed somebody to wait on him. Ryan would've done it, would've done anything, in order to spend more time with Chad. Besides, if Ryan was there with Chad, that meant he wasn't in his bedroom, being used by one of his three so-called friends.
Ryan debated long and hard about telling Chad what was being done to him, but he recalled the threat that Troy had made to him, and wasn't eager to risk anything. Plus, Chad was Troy's best friend; why would he believe Ryan over Troy? Especially with something as patently unbelievable as this? And coupled with all this was the simple fact that Ryan would honestly rather die than admit, especially to Chad, that he was allowing these boys to use him so utterly and completely. The fact that all of thelm were using him so contemptuously, like he was an object, hurt greatly, but not nearly so badly as the look on Chad's face would, when he found out exactly how pathetic Ryan was. He would get a disgusted look on his face- or maybe it would be worse than disgust; it would be a look of disappointment. Then Chad would leave, and never come back. That thought scared Ryan more than anything else, that Chad would stop speaking to him and abandon him completely to his fate.
When school started, Ryan had briefly hoped that it all would be over and done with. After all, the boys probably wouldn't want to risk having the entire school find out by accident. How wrong he was.
A few days after school had started, after Ryan had moved himself back to the Evans estate, he had been awoken by a knock on his bedroom door. That knock had been followed by Troy, grinning as he opened the door and entered Ryan's bedroom. Holding up a house key, Troy had smugly told Ryan that Sharpay had supplied him with it, as well as giving Jason and Zeke their own keys as well. Ryan didn't think he could cry any more at the sound of how utterly his sister, his own flesh and blood, had betrayed him so completely, but he found himself weeping, nevertheless. As he dully got himself ready for Troy, Ryan started to consider seriously, for the first time, the possibility of suicide. There seemed little hope that his life would ever be more than this. Oh, eventually Troy would leave, or Jason or Zeke, but Ryan was sure that they would only be replaced by others. Sharpay had made it clear that she viewed him as a commodity, not a person. Ryan's parents were in the dark as to the full scope of things, but they were aware that there was an arrangement of some sort between Ryan and Troy. Since Troy was being sought after by the U of A Redhawks, Mr. Evans had bluntly told his son to do whatever it took to keep Troy happy. Not even Chad could do anything to help him; Ryan began to give up all hope of being rescued by a fluffy-haired knight in shining armor.
Ryan wiped the tears from his eyes almost absentmindedly, as he studied the razor blades he had sitting on his bed. The note was on the nightstand, on top of his journal; it was addressed to Chad. After all, he was the only one who might be even vaguely concerned. But perhaps not. Ryan still remembered with disturbing clarity what Troy had told him, not one week ago.
Troy was usually in and out rather fast, not wanting to spend any more time around Ryan than he had to; Ryan fully understood this sentiment- if he were Troy, he wouldn't want to spend any amount of time around anybody as utterly useless and pathetic as Ryan was.
Apparently Gabi hadn't been putting out recently, though, so Troy had actually lingered long enough to use Ryan yet another time. The scene in some ways looked like one you'd see after a couple had made love; them both laying there in bed, basking in the afterglow of it. Except Troy was the only one basking, a smug grin on his face. Ryan was laying in bed, his eyes blank, his back to Troy; nowadays, Ryan couldn't even bring himself to look at Troy, directly. Once Troy got there, Ryan's mind would go into that place where he wasn't the bitch that everybody made him. He'd disconnect while Troy had his way with him, and would only come back after Troy was finished.
"So, Chad broke up with Taylor the other day," Troy said, smiling. "Had you heard?"
"No," Ryan mumbled numbly, still not looking at Troy. Ryan had been spending less and less time with Chad as of late, since it was becoming harder for him to put on a cheery smile when he was hanging out with the darker boy. Or even to be seen by him; Ryan thought even less of himself now than he ever had before, and honestly didn't want to subject Chad to looking at his wretched form. Ryan wasn't sure, but it almost seemed as if Chad was hurt at the idea of Ryan trying to avoid him. But that had to be his imagination; everybody else was overjoyed at the possibility of Ryan avoiding them.
"Yeah," Troy replied, smirking. "He wouldn't tell me why, but I think it's because she wasn't putting out as much as he wanted." A pause. " I told him he probably could've fixed things if he'd just had an outlet like I do." Troy actually ran his hand over Ryan's bare ass, possessively. "He's just always told me that fucking guys wasn't his thing."
Ryan grew cold at that statement. Chad knew? Chad knew about this? Ryan almost felt his heart collapse inside his body as he heard Troy's words. Surely Troy had been telling the truth; thus far, he had been nothing but honest with Ryan. He called Ryan a piece of garbage, a worthless human being, good for only one thing. And Ryan believed every word of it. It was the truth, it was how he viewed himself, after all. Why wouldn't Chad think the same thing? How could Ryan have ever thought that Chad thought differently? Sure, Chad had seemed sincere enough, but surely it must have been a façade. And Ryan, being the fuckin' moron that he was, had missed it. Well, he had only himself to blame, for keeping his hopes alive.
"But you'll probably be receiving a visit from him, soon," Troy added, his hand moving to get himself hard again. "He asked for his own key to this estate. I think he likes the easy arrangement that I've got going on here, and wants to get in on it." And with that, Troy rolled Ryan over and got him ready for the second time.
That was it. No more. Chad had been Ryan's one beacon of hope, his life line. As long as Ryan had Chad, or even just the thought of Chad, he felt like maybe he could get through this. That Chad would indeed ride in on the metaphorical white horse and save Ryan from his fate. And that they'd live happily ever after. Looked like Ryan had been deluding himself, yet again.
And it was worse than just losing that last thread of hope. Ryan knew that when the day came that Chad showed up to claim Ryan's body, it would be over for him. Ryan knew he had inappropriate thoughts about his straight friend, but he had never considered acting on them. But Ryan knew that once Chad used Ryan like Troy and the others did, Ryan wouldn't be able to stop from feeling pleasure at the idea that it was Chad doing it. His mind, in an effort to pretend that he wasn't being raped, would tell him that Chad wasn't raping him, but making love to him. And then Ryan would begin to welcome the rape, and what little he had of his own life would cease to exist. He really would be a mindless object, just dumbly welcoming the pain and humiliation, in order get more of it. More of Chad.
So on Christmas Eve, one day before a holiday that Ryan vaguely remembered looking forward to with eager anticipation, Ryan now looked forward to never seeing Christmas again. Chad hadn't been by yet to take his first turn, but Ryan was expecting him any day now. So once again Ryan thanked the stars that he had been left alone on Christmas Eve. And finally, the thought that had cheered up Ryan immensely when he'd woken up this morning: Today was the last day of the rest of his life. Not quite how the old saying went, but it brought comfort to Ryan far more than the original did.
So, this was it. This was the end. In the video game of life, this was game over. No more continues, no more inserting quarters. And frankly, despite what many people said, Ryan really didn't feel that scared about what lay ahead. How could it really be that much worse than his life?
Ryan's hand reached for the razor blade, before hesitating. He'd been considering it all day, but had resisted so far. Despite what Troy had said, Ryan still had nagging doubts that his Chad would be the same as Troy and the others. At this point, Ryan had already accepted death. He welcomed it, even. He didn't feel like anything, even Chad, could change that. So was there any harm in talking to Chad, one last time? Perhaps he could end his life on an up note, despite everything. Ryan was well aware that some people would have said that Chad was something for Ryan to live for, but Ryan was sure that Chad would get disgusted about that, and would reject anything of that vein. Therefore, Ryan had decided to slice some veins.
Ryan hesitated one more time, before giving in and calling Chad. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ryan sighed. He guessed that even his last memory just wasn't meant to be happy. Ring. Ring. Finally, Chad's voice mail kicked in. Ryan hung up. He knew that anything he left in Chad's voice mailbox would end up maudlin and sappy, and Ryan never wanted Chad to hear him like that.
Ryan set the phone back down, and picked up the blade. Time to get down to business. He studied the sharp edge in fascination; here was his release, his sweet release. Ryan placed it at his wrist, piercing it just slightly. He watched the blood slowly drip down his arm, not really feeling any pain. 'Here we go,' Ryan thought to himself, as he prepared to drag the razor across his wrists.
Suddenly, his cell phone rang. Ryan jerked, and accidentally pierced his skin again. Looking over, Ryan started at the name on the caller id. It was Chad. Ryan slowly, almost reluctantly, put the blade down, and answered the phone. It was Chad, after all. And one good last memory, right?
"Hi, Chad," Ryan said, softly.
"Hey, Evans," Chad said, his voice quite chipper. "Merry Christmas Eve. What's up?"
'Oh, not much, Chad,' Ryan thought. 'I'm trying to commit suicide, I'm currently bleeding from the arm, and plan on finishing the deed after this phone call. And you?' What Ryan actually said was, "Merry Christmas Eve, Chad. Nothing new going on over here; it's always the same thing. How are you?"
"I'm doing pretty good," Chad replied, still cheerful. And oblivious to Ryan's veiled remark about his life, and the downward spiral that it was. Or was he? "Sorry I missed your call; I'm driving right now, and I couldn't get to my phone in time."
"Don't worry about it," Ryan said, softly. "I was… it's just good to hear your voice." Ryan winced. That sounded majorly pathetic. "I mean, it's been a while since we've talked," Ryan hastened to add.
"That's true," Chad said. "You haven't been answering your phone much, lately. And you're never at our table at lunch, any more."
Ryan sighed. Chad had no idea how hard it was for Ryan to even pick a table to sit at. If he sat with Sharpay, Kelsi, and the rest of the Drama Club, he was completely ignored and treated like a piece of furniture. If he sat with Chad, he'd actually have somebody to talk to, but it would also mean that Ryan would end up at the same table as his three tormentors, Troy, Jason, and Zeke. Ryan found it absolutely impossible to even glance their way, lest Chad figure out what Ryan was letting them do to him. Well, that and the fact that feeling their eyes on his body as they probably thought about the next time they were going to use him made Ryan too ashamed to look at them, and Chad, for that matter. Chad was just so… awesome, and what was Ryan? Pathetic. A non-entity.
"You there, Evans?" Chad asked a little concerned.
"Yeah, I'm still here… Chad," Ryan said, after pausing a little while longer. For so many years, Ryan had known the curly-haired boy only as Danforth, enemy to the performing arts. Once Chad had become his friend, Ryan found himself going out of his way to use his first name instead. It felt somehow… intimate. Almost sacred, even. Chad didn't use Ryan's own name nearly as much, often calling him Evans. When he did say 'Ryan,' though, Ryan felt a shiver down his spine every time, getting such a thrill over some mundane thing like that.
"Are you alright, Ryan?" Chad asked, his voice showing a little more worry.
Shiver. Oh. He had to answer the question, before Chad thought something was up.
"Why wouldn't I be?" Ryan countered, trying to put a little more feeling into his voice.
"I don't know," Chad said, his tone still filled with worry. "You tell me. I just know that it feels like you've been avoiding me lately. And I have noticed that you hardly eat, nowadays; you're practically skin and bones." Chad sighed. "And then there's Troy."
"T…Troy?" Ryan stuttered, starting to feel some panic. The fact that Chad actually paid enough attention to him that he was noticing Ryan's eating habits was… well, it felt great; nobody had ever paid that much attention to him. But the last part of Chad's statement scared Ryan. What did Troy have to do with anything? Oh God. It suddenly dawned on Ryan- Chad was gonna arrange his first visit. This was how Troy did it, all those months ago. Talk about casual stuff, drop some names into the conversation, and then get down to business. Ryan had to hang up, change the conversation or something, or it was all over for him. Ryan's glance moved almost involuntarily to the razor blade sitting beside him, the edge of it tinged in red from Ryan's first attempt, before Chad called.
"You didn't tell me he had a key to your estate," Chad said, sounding a bit miffed. "How come I never got one? I mean, it's odd that you'd hand out your house key to somebody, anyway; Troy and I have been best friends since pre-school, but I don't have a key to his house. But if you were handing them out, I don't know… I thought we were close enough that I'd merit one."
Ryan was getting much closer to a panic attack; he could already feel his breathing coming in quick, shallow gasps. Ryan only had a vague idea of exactly what Chad was saying; all Ryan knew was that his secret was really close to being exposed. Well, that was assuming Chad didn't already know, from Troy. Ryan just couldn't win in this conversation; if Chad didn't know about the arrangement, he was probably going to find out very soon anyway, and if he did know about it, Ryan was doomed that way, too. Almost all of Ryan's instincts told him to hang up on Chad, that the dark-skinned boy was just setting him up. And yet, that small part of Ryan that still had hope told him to stay on the line, to tell Chad the truth. That Chad could still somehow make it all better. Either way, Ryan's indecision sure wasn't helping his oncoming panic attack- it was kinda hard to settle one's nerves when part of Ryan now made Chad out to be the worst villain of them all, while that tiny part still thought of Chad as a superhero, perfect in every way. Ryan's savior.
"I… I didn't give Troy the key," Ryan managed to say. "Sharpay did."
"But he uses it to hang out with you, doesn't he?" Chad persisted. "I've overheard him talking to Zeke and Jason, telling them that he was going to hang out with you." Ryan could practically hear Chad's frown through the phone. "I'm not sure I actually liked the look on their faces when he said that. It almost felt like they were up to no good. Man," Chad whistled, "I never thought I'd be saying that about them, either. But Zeke, Jason, and Troy have changed this year," Chad said. "Troy, especially. He's my friend and all, but he's just been a really big prick lately, bullying all the younger classmen around. Haven't you noticed?"
"I… I don't really pay much attention to Troy at school," Ryan stammered. "I try to keep to myself." Plus, there was always the threat that Troy would find a deserted part of the school, and rape Ryan there. Regardless of the fact that Troy was slightly more gentle now that the fight had gone out of Ryan, Ryan was still a mess afterwards. If it ever happened at school his dirty secret would be discovered. That he was a filthy, perverted whore who let boys use him.
Chad sighed. "I'm not even sure I should be telling you this, but I've been talking with Gabriella and I guess I was hoping you could shed a little light on the subject, since Troy apparently hangs out with you somewhat regularly," Chad said. "Do you know anything, have you seen anything, that would make you think that Troy's cheating on Gabriella?"
Ryan tried to answer Chad, wanted to answer Chad, but he found himself paralysed from fear. Just one little answer, and Chad would know the truth. But what good would the truth do him when Troy killed Ryan? And that was assuming Sharpay or any of the others didn't get to him, first. Ryan didn't fear for his own life; after all, he was still ending it tonight, right? But what if telling Chad would put him in jeopardy? In the end, that made up Ryan's mind. No matter what, he couldn't say anything, do anything, that could put his Chad in harm's way.
"I don't think so," Ryan said, his voice still shaky. "He doesn't really talk that much about himself, or Gabriella, when he's over here. He's never mentioned another girl," Ryan added, involuntarily. Shit. Why did he have to qualify that statement? Hopefully Chad wouldn't catch onto that; Chad usually didn't. Not that Chad was stupid or anything, Ryan was quick to add.
Ryan heard Chad sigh over the phone. "Fuck. I promised myself I wasn't going to ask you this, but I've gotta know. Please don't get mad at me for asking this, Ryan." Chad paused for a second. "Are you… are you and Troy… sleeping together?"
Bam. Punch to the solar plexus. "Of… Of course, not, Chad," Ryan managed, scared out of his mind. "Troy isn't… we wouldn't… where did you get that idea?"
"Taylor made a veiled comment about you, about two weeks ago," Chad replied. "We were talking about… well, you, Ryan. I was worried about you, after all. Taylor made a crack about you having relationship problems." Chad shook his head. "I told her that we were close friends, and that you would've told me if you were dating anybody, girl or guy. But that as far as I knew, you were innocent in that regard."
"I… I…" Ryan was trying so hard to stop this runaway train, but Chad was going too fast for him.
"Taylor said that you weren't nearly as innocent as you pretend, and I…" Chad paused. "I yelled at her, Ryan. I've never yelled at Taylor before, but… she had no call to say something like that about you! I'm not sure what's going on, but I knew you didn't deserve to have comments like that made about you. So we fought, and in the end I broke up with Taylor; we've never been that strong, anyway." Another pause. "But there was something about the way she said it. It was like she actually knew something, that her comment wasn't just an random insult. Like there was something going on with you, something bad. And, well… it somehow just seemed to fit. Troy's behavior change was right around the same time as yours; he got more cocky and aggressive, and you've been pulling back from everybody. Especially me. Finally, there's the fact that at school I've seen you consciously try to avoid Troy, and for that matter, Zeke and Jason as well, and yet they all have keys to your house." Chad's voice turned pleading. "Please, Ryan, just tell me what's going on."
Ryan sighed. Chad had pretty much said it all. "He said you knew about it," Ryan found himself saying in a low voice. "Troy said that the only reason you didn't join in was that you didn't want to do it with a guy."
"Ryan?" Chad asked, his voice alarmed.
"Oh, God, Chad, I didn't want to do it!" Ryan wailed. Now that he had finally admitted it, it was as if the dam had burst and there was no way to stop the torrent. "I told him, I told him I didn't want to, but he made me, he made me! Oh, God, it hurt so much, Chad, it hurt so much! He hits me, and makes me do it, God, Chad I didn't want to do it! And Zeke… and Jason… I hate it when they're over here. When they're here I wish Troy was here, hitting me… it hurts so much less then. And they're here almost every night, Monday, Thursday, Saturday… Chad, I wanted them to go but they never do! And my dad told me to do whatever it took to keep Troy happy! Chad, why am I such a bad person? Why does everybody think I'm scum? Why can't I be happy? God, why can't the pain just stop?"
"No, Ryan, don't say that! I don't think you're scum," Chad emphatically said, his voice filled with emotion; Ryan could hear him closing his car door in the background. Guess he arrived home. "You're a good…"
"I wanted the pain to stop, and I decided I was going to make it stop," Ryan said, his voice suddenly calmer as he remembered his plan. True, Chad knew about things now, but it seemed obvious to Ryan that it wouldn't matter, in the long run. He'd mentioned it in the note, anyway. "I'm going to escape all of this misery, and you won't have to deal with it, Chad. I'm going to do that for you, I'm going to make it easier on you, because you're… Chad."
"Oh, God, Ryan, don't do that," Chad cried, panic in his voice. "It'll be ok. Just please don't go through with it. I'm coming for you."
"How can you even bear to look at me?" Ryan cried. "I'm pathetic, a worthless life form only here as some cosmic joke that God's playing. I don't know how you can even stand to listen to me, now that you know what I let Troy do to me. God, Chad, after the first few times, I just stopped fighting! Troy would enter my room, and I'd pull down my pants and get myself ready for him. Why did I let him do that to me?"
"No, Ryan, Troy did that to you! He forced you to do it! It's not your fault!" Chad insisted, loudly.
Just then, Ryan could hear somebody trying to unlock the front door; whoever it was, was being really loud at it. He could hear keys jingling, as if somebody was in a hurry, trying to find the right key. Ryan immediately freaked out; oh, God, it was Troy. Somehow he'd already found out that Ryan was blabbing the whole story to Chad, and he was here to kill him.
"Oh, no, Troy's here, Chad, he's here!" Ryan screamed, his voice higher than ever. "He's gonna break into my room, and he's going to… he's going to…" Ryan broke down and started sobbing. "Please, Chad, he's going to kill me… He's gonna rape me, and kill me. I've got to end this, before he gets here!"
"No, Ryan, that isn't…" Chad yelled, trying to get Ryan's attention.
"I'm sorry, Chad, for being so pathetic," Ryan said, his hand firmly gripping the razor blade. He knew what he had to do; for once in his life, it was all so simple. "You were the greatest friend, ever… I… I loved you." As Ryan cried, tears rolling down his face, he ended the call and tossed the cell phone away from him. All he had to do was make two simple slices, and he would be able to save himself from the pain that Troy was surely going to cause when he got to Ryan's room, and save Chad from the burden of having a useless friend like him around. Everybody's lives would be better off, this way. Ryan heard the front door slam open as whomever was here finally found the right key. Hearing quick footsteps up the stairs, Ryan gritted his teeth and cut across his right wrist. The blood immediately started flowing. Quickly, trying to ignore the pain, Ryan switched hands and sliced his other wrist. Ryan gulped as he looked down at his wrists, and at his white down duvet; it was now being stained crimson. Somebody had neglected to mention how much this was going to hurt. 'Suck it up, Evans,' Ryan told himself, viciously. 'Just a little more pain right now… but you'll be spared so much more pain.'
"Ryan! Open up this damned door!" yelled out a voice that Ryan couldn't place, as it was choked with emotion. But Ryan knew it must have been Troy, here to tidy up his mess.
"Go to hell, Troy!" Ryan yelled. "I'll save you a seat!" Ryan lay back on his bed, strangely calm. So this was what dying felt like. You just sat there, as the world faded away from you. Ryan was definitely feeling lightheaded, and spots of black started appearing in his vision. Soon it would just be one big spot of black, and that would be that.
Bam! Ryan's door shuddered from a mighty force as if something really hard hit it. A pause, and then another almighty crash. Ryan knew the door wouldn't be able to take too much more. 'Troy had better hurry up, if he's going to rape me,' Ryan bitterly chuckled to himself. 'Otherwise he's outta luck. Well, unless he's a fan of necrophilia.'
One more tremendous shudder on the door and Ryan watched, bemused, as he saw his door come crashing in. He could feel himself slipping away, and he only caught a glimpse of a big head of hair and coffee-coloured skin before all finally went black. 'At least I got to see Chad one more time,' was Ryan's last, bemused thought.
qpqp
Beep. Beep. Beep.
'What the fuck is that sound?' Ryan asked himself as he gained awareness. His thoughts were sluggishly slow, as if he was wading through molasses. The proper neurons finally fired, as Ryan realized what the beeping must've been. 'Oh, fuck, I'm in a hospital,' Ryan groaned, his realisation bringing him no relief. In fact, this was almost Ryan's worst nightmare; that his attempt would be unsuccessful, and he would wake up in his hell of an existence.
Well, it was time to find out just how bad it was going to be. Maybe he would get lucky, and his parents would stick him in a private psychiatric hospital for the rest of his life. It would be like prison, but at least there was no Troy there. But no Chad, either, Ryan thought glumly. But now that Chad knew what had been happening to Ryan, Ryan assumed there wouldn't be a Chad, anyway.
Opening his eyes took Ryan quite a bit more effort than he would've expected, but then again, he really wasn't that eager to see where he was and figure out his situation and how bad it was going to get. Ryan finally got his eyes open, though they felt gummy, like he'd been sleeping for a long time. His legs felt cold, as Ryan could tell he was wearing one of those awful hospital gowns. Damn. If Ryan had known he was going to fail this badly, he would've at least tried to find a designer hospital gown that he would want to be seen in. His wrists, though Ryan wasn't going to look at them yet, felt like they were bandaged up, and his left hand felt strangely warm, too. Ryan wasn't sure about that particular sensation, but didn't dwell on it. Worst of all, Ryan could feel the IV attached to his arm and the catheter attached to you know where. Yup. This was hell, alright.
Ryan slowly opened and closed his hands reflexively, as if checking to see if they still worked. It was then that he realized that that warm sensation in his hand, that had previously been ignored by his rather fuzzy mind, was in fact another person's hand holding his. Ryan quickly pulled his hand out, afraid of who he'd find. Then he finally took an inventory of his surroundings, and the first thing he noticed was the person in his room, who had been holding his hand. And more precisely, the huge afro that could've belonged to only one person.
"Oh God," Ryan said out loud, almost involuntarily. It was Chad. His Chad. 'He's not yours, you asshole, and he'll never be,' Ryan corrected himself. Chad was sitting in one of those uncomfortable hospital chairs, pulled up alongside Ryan's bed, and his head was resting on Ryan's bed, close to Ryan's leg, actually. It was an effort for sit up; Ryan's muscles complained bitterly after laying in one place for God knows how long, but Ryan couldn't resist. He had to make sure he wasn't dreaming. Gently, tenderly, Ryan ran his fingers through Chad's soft, fluffy hair, just like he'd always longed to do but had never dared to.
Chad must've felt the soft touch, regardless, as he started stirring. Ryan promptly sat back in his hospital bed, as if afraid of being caught in the act. Well, that, and his muscles were now killing him. That wasn't even including the pain in his wrists, which was manageable… but more than enough to be noticed.
Chad finally raised his head as he woke up all the way, looking immediately towards Ryan. Ryan, who had closed his eyes hastily, fought himself feigning sleep. He wasn't sure why he was, especially when it was Chad in the room, but part- no, all- of Ryan was afraid of how Chad would react to his cowardly act.
"False alarm," Chad muttered to himself as he gazed upon Ryan's recumbent form. "Fuck, Evans, you'd better wake up soon; I don't want to have to spend my entire Christmas break in a hospital room." Chad sighed, directing his gaze at the ceiling. "I don't even fuckin' know why you haven't woken up, either; the doctor said that the blood loss wouldn't cause anything like this."
"I'm sorry," Ryan whispered, without thinking.
Chad's head jerked down as he heard Ryan's voice. "Are you waking up?" Chad demanded, taking Ryan's hand in his own. "Fuck, God, don't taunt me like this."
"I didn't want to cause a fuss," Ryan said, reluctantly, as he slowly opened his eyes. His Chad was looking up at him with those soulful brown eyes- the eyes that Ryan had long dreamed about looking on him with love. No love in them right now, though, just worry, relief, and anger.
"Cause a fuss?" Chad asked incredulously, looking incredibly uncertain on how to react to Ryan's awakening. Like he wasn't sure if he should slap Ryan or hug him. "Ryan, you fuckin' slashed your wrists! If I hadn't been at your damned house, delivering your fuckin' Christmas gift, you would've died!" Chad stood up abruptly and began pacing around the room. "Troy, Zeke, and Jason are all facing felony charges, and Sharpay and your parents are being investigated, too. The doctors tell me you have scars all over your body, scars that they're not even sure they know what caused them. And I've gotten maybe a handful of hours of sleep over the last few days, worrying about you! Would you consider that causing a fuss?!"
"You were… bringing me a Christmas gift?" Ryan asked, his mind only catching hold of one thing that Chad had said. "You were giving me a present?" He looked surprised, and rather touched.
Chad sighed. "Yes, dummy, I was bringing you a present. You were worrying me, and I thought it might help. I didn't expect to have to save your life."
"What if I didn't want that gift?" Ryan said, quietly. "What I would've been happier if you hadn't saved me?"
"You don't really mean that," Chad growled, as he stopped his pacing. "And I would also say that you'd better not talk like that around me ever again; not even in jest. Fuck, Ryan, you fuckin' scared the shit out of me." Chad calmed down slightly, as he sank into his seat. "You're my friend, and I came way too close to losing you." Chad sighed. "I'm not sure if you've realized it or not, yet, but that wasn't Troy banging on your door, Evans. That was me, trying to prevent you from doing what you did. If you'd listened to me on the phone you would've known that."
Ryan had sat there, surprised as Chad had told him all of that. Chad would've missed him? Ryan hadn't thought anybody would. But when Chad told him that it hadn't been Troy at all, Ryan's blood ran cold. Had he… almost committed suicide because of Chad's arrival? Oh God, what would that have done to Chad? He would've held himself responsible for Ryan's fuck-up, for Ryan's problems.
Ryan burst out crying. "I'm sorry I almost did that to you, Chad," he managed to say, not able to look Chad in the eye. "I would've never wanted to hurt you like that."
Chad ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. "Ryan, you almost killed yourself! And you're just sorry you almost hurt me? What about you?"
Ryan just shrugged, still crying. "I'm just a worthless piece of shit," he managed to say. "You're… Chad. You're worth a thousand, a million times more than me."
"You're not worthless," Chad said, gently, sitting on the bed next to Ryan. "You're worth something to me." Chad sighed. "And I'm not worth nearly as much as that. Shit, Ryan, do you know how bad I feel about this? I was so wrapped up in my own life, my own shit, that I didn't even notice that one of my closest friends was in pain? That you were being… raped?" Chad had problems getting that word out. "And tortured? And come to find out, your attackers are my best friend and two of my other close friends? That I missed all that?" Ryan had never seen Chad look so downhearted, so forlorn. His Chad always had a ready grin on his face and a bounce in his step. "Why didn't you tell me, Ryan?" Chad asked, his voice breaking. "Why didn't you tell anybody what those bastards were doing to you?"
"I didn't think anybody would believe me," Ryan said, simply. "Nobody ever listens to me, or pays attention to my life. I'm just Sharpay's twin; most people don't even know my name. Troy is the school's number one guy, your best friend, Chad! How could anybody possibly believe me over him?"
"I would've," Chad said, softly. He took Ryan's pale hand in his own. "I wish you would've told me… I wish this hadn't happened at all… I wish…" Chad smiled softly at Ryan. "I guess it's no good wishing."
"I used to wish that this would all be over," Ryan whispered. "I used to wish I could be happy. That I would find a friend who cared about me. I gave up wishing a long time ago. It just makes it hurt, worse."
"You do have a friend who cares," Chad responded, emphatically. "Me. And the nightmare is over, Ryan. When I wasn't here in the hospital waiting for you to wake up, I've been helping the police gather evidence. Between your note, and the journal you left there, they had enough for a search warrant, and found quite a bit of evidence." Chad attempted to smile. "Zeke's already flipped on the other two, so there's almost no chance Troy and Jason aren't going away for a long time."
"And my family?" Ryan asked, afraid of the answer.
"In disgrace," Chad replied. "It'll be harder to hit them with felony charges, since Troy, Zeke, and Jason were the actual perpetrators, but there's still enough to charge them on quite a few counts. And, needless to say, I hear they're already feeling the backlash from the rest of Albuquerque's high society."
"So what's going to happen to me?" questioned Ryan. "I don't want to go back there, Chad. I know they'll do something to me, for ruining everything." Ryan gripped Chad's hand, tightly, fear in his eyes.
"You're coming with me," Chad said, reassuringly. "After the doctors release you, of course and they did tell me they wanted you to be checked out by a shrink, first."
"I'm coming… with you?" Ryan repeated, unable to believe his ears. "Chad… I couldn't possibly… You shouldn't have to deal with me or my problems. You shouldn't have to worry about me."
"But I do," Chad said, smiling. "I do worry, and I do care, and I'm not taking no for an answer." Chad looked imploringly at Ryan. "I know you think you don't deserve it, but you do, Ryan."
"I'm gay, Chad," Ryan whispered, trying one last time to dissuade Chad. "And I'm in love with you. Can you handle having somebody like that around you?"
"I already know all of that, Ryan," Chad said, putting his arm around Ryan. "And I don't care. I wouldn't turn you out because of that." Chad smiled gently. "And I don't know how I feel about you, as far as that goes… you've never really given me a chance to know the real you. But I'd like that chance. I'd like that a lot."
And at that, the wall crumbled, and Ryan started crying. "It was so hard to hang on, Chad, it was so hard to hang on…" As Ryan continued to sob, Chad held the slender boy against his chest, soothing his fears. And even as Ryan let out his anguish, he felt just the slightest bit of hope again; Chad had indeed ridden in on his white horse, and had saved Ryan in his hour of need. And while Ryan didn't know what was going to happen tomorrow, or next week, or next month, he knew that Chad would be there, to hold him up, to guide him through, and to let him discover who Ryan Evans was. Chad wanted to get to know the real Ryan Evans; that was a trip they could both take, together.
qpqpqpqp
I've often felt that hope can be overrated. As the old saying goes, Hope is the denial of reality. But in the end, what do we have but hope? Hope is what gets us out of bed in the morning, no matter what our situation is. If we didn't have it, what would we be left with?
Anybody think that Ryan was stupid for trying to go through with it, even when Chad was trying to tell him it would be ok? Good. He was being stupid, just as committing suicide is stupid. Suicide is never the only way out; there's always somebody, out there, who is willing to listen to you, and wants to listen to you. Suicide hotlines, religious people, and friends. And, gentle readers, you have me. You may not know me, and you probably won't ever meet me in person, but I can listen. And listen well. So don't ever feel like suicide is the only solution; it's never a solution.
And please, let me know what you thought of this story. No matter what you thought of it. It gives me hope that people read my story.. And more hope, that people have read my story, and heard what I have to say about this more serious of subjects. Thank you.
Squall Thrawn