So Beautiful
summary: "I have lost my illusions, I have drowned in your words. I have left my confusion to a cynical world. I am throwing myself at things I don't understand, discover enlightenment holding your hand." Kurt knows how unique and special he, but fear and pain seems to have made him forget. But Blaine remembers.
genre: Romance/HurtComfort
rated: PG
author note: There is something so wonderful and pure about Blaine and Kurt's romance. It goes beyond the euphoria of teenage youth and first love. Everything they've gone through seems to have forged something genuine. In some of the hardest times for Kurt, Blaine was there for him. He was his courage when Kurt was faced with a stolen kiss and terror. He was his strength when a crowded room mocked in silence. And in every glance, note, and touch, Blaine continues to remind Kurt of how beautiful and special he is. In Blaine's beauty as a person, he's been the light in the dark. Their bond had broken down the most difficult year for Kurt Hummel into a collection of beautiful moments.
side note: As most of my fics usually do, this too is paired with a song. This one was inspired by the song "So Beautiful" by Darren Hayes (of Savage Garden). It's a beautiful song that fits so perfectly with the story I'm trying to tell. Definitely should give it a listen.
disclaimer: All characters in this story belong to the deity Ryan Murphy and the brilliant minds behind Glee. and Fox...i guess. The characters are not mine, as much as i would like to keep them give these boys hugs all day 'cause i just think that's what they need. In addition, the beautiful lyrics below belong to Darren Hayes. He is my muse in my own writing endeavors so it's just fitting that his poetry inspired my fanfiction as well.
"And if all the world were perfect, I would only ever want to see your scars. You know they can have their universe, we'll be in the dirt designing stars...you know that you make me feel so beautiful. Nowhere else in the world I wanna be."
'So Beautiful' by Darren Hayes
Blaine lay on his side facing Kurt, who had fallen asleep in Blaine's bed facing him. Kurt had come over after school, practically everyday this week. Now that Kurt was back at McKinley, the boys alternated meeting places. Blaine preferred Kurt's home; it was always so warm and inviting and his family was incredible. But every so often Kurt insisted they go to Blaine's, something about being in Blaine's space that made him feel safer.
He reached out a hand to brush at a strand of hair that had fallen out of place on Kurt's carefully structured coif. Kurt didn't move, worn out from the tears he had unwillingly shed just an hour ago.
-flashback-
Blaine and Kurt were both sitting on the bed, legs folded beneath them as they discussed what was going on at school, Blaine just finishing up the recap of the ridiculous argument Wes and David had at rehearsal.
"I miss those guys," Kurt sighed.
"But I bet you don't miss Dalton," Blaine replied.
"A little."
"Not the uniforms," Blaine teased.
"Oh, lordie, no. I mean you look adorable in it but if I never wear a navy blazer again it will be too soon," Kurt said, repulsed at the thought, causing Blaine to laugh. "Still, I do miss it."
"Really?"
"Maybe I just miss spending all day with you," Kurt said softly, eyes looking away, trying to avoid the blush threatening to spread across his cheeks.
"But you're back where you belong, with your friends, essentially your family."
"Yeah..." Kurt's voice trailed off, looking anywhere but Blaine's face. Blaine paused, staring at Kurt, willing him to look at him.
"What it is it?" Blaine asked, reaching a hand out to cover Kurt clasped ones in his lap. It took a few moments but finally Kurt looked back at him.
"I love them. Endlessly. It's the best place I can be. It's just not you."
"We see each other almost every day..."
"It's not the same," Kurt interrupted, frustrated at his inability to convey his feelings. "You don't get it."
"Then tell me," Blaine said, his thumb rubbing soft circles against Kurt's wrist.
"You saved me Blaine. I don't know where I'd be if..." Kurt's voice trailed off again, this time almost embarrassed by his feelings.
"What do you mean?" Blaine asked.
"I was tormented. I felt alone and I was scared," Kurt paused. "Do you know how many of teen suicides are lgbt bullying related?"
"Did you ever try to-"
"No."
"Did you ever think about-"
"Maybe once."
"Kurt," Blaine frowned.
"I never planned on going through with it. But that's the thing isn't it? No one plans on it. It's just a matter of how far you can be pushed till you give up. I don't think I was close to that point, but who knows. I could have been." Kurt closed his eyes and took a deep breath before looking back at Blaine. "But then I met you, someone like me, who knew and understood and listened and made me feel safe."
Kurt turned his hands upwards to hold Blaine's in his own.
"You saved me Blaine. I don't know from what exactly, but you saved me," Kurt swallowed rapidly, trying to hold back his tears. It didn't work though, even as he clenched his eyes shut and bowed his head, trying to prevent them from spilling futilely as they escaped.
Blaine watched as they squeezed out of the corners of Kurt's lids and slowly traced the contours of Kurt's full cheekbones before continuing their path over the edge, dipping in the shape of his rosy cheeks. Blaine watched, mesmerized as the one on his left cheek made the rest of the journey down his face, dangling over his chin before falling to land on Kurt's lap. The other on the right side veered left down his cheek to land at the top corner of Kurt's full upper lip.
Blaine lifted a hand to Kurt's face, letting it rest upon his cheek, his thumb gliding gently at the corner of Kurt's lips, catching the tear with the pad of his thumb. Kurt didn't flinch at his touch so Blaine decided to try to ease Kurt's pain.
"You didn't need me, Kurt," Blaine spoke softly, staring intently at his boyfriend even though the other boy still had his eyes closed and head bowed. At Blaine's words, Kurt pressed his lips tight but leaned his cheek slightly into Blaine's touch. Blaine took that as permission to continue.
"You are the most extraordinary person I've ever met. Your passionate, talented, beautiful, funny, kind, brave..."
"Brave," Kurt laughed quietly.
"You are brave," Blaine nodded.
"No," Kurt whispered, shaking his head, raising his hand to pull Blaine's away from his cheek. Blaine grabbed his hand before he could let go, brining it to his lips where he lay a gentle kiss to his wrist before resting it between them, squeezing it slightly as he held it.
"Yes," was all Blaine said. Kurt looked up at him then, a mix of emotions on his face. "Kurt, you are fearless."
"Fearless?" Kurt blurted. "I was in fear everyday for the last year!"
"But you didn't let it stop you," Blaine responded.
"I ran! I transferred to a different school!"
"To be safe! It's not the same as running," Blaine didn't miss a beat. "You are fearless, Kurt. Did your fear ever stop you from wearing certain clothes? Or singing a song in Glee Club typically sung by a female? Did it stop you from being exactly who you are everyday?"
Kurt didn't answer; he didn't have to because Blaine knew the truth.
"Being brave isn't the absence of fear. It's acknowledging it and carrying on in spite of it." Blain felt his own eyes stinging as he spoke. He wasn't sure if it was because of the tears Kurt was crying, because of what he knew his boyfriend had went though, because of the pain he saw in his love's eyes, or of now knowing just how little Kurt thought of himself.
"I wish you could see in yourself what I see every time I look at you."
"There's nothing to-"
"No." Blaine's voice suddenly rose above the quiet tone they both had been using, cutting off Kurt's self-deprecation before he could finish the thought. "Stop it now."
Blaine knew how people could use self-deprecation to attract compliments and positive thoughts to make themselves feel better. His mother used it all the time when they would go clothes shopping or when she cooked. But what he saw and heard from Kurt was not that at all. In front of him was a boy who didn't long to hear how special he was. In front of him was a boy who Blaine knew was proud of himself, but just sometimes needed reminding when his pain distracted from that knowledge.
Blaine brought both hands to rest on each side of Kurt's face, his palms instantly feeling the dampness beneath them from the tears on his cheeks.
"You are incredible, beautiful, and you constantly inspire me. I admire everything you are and I care for you so much." Blaine knew in his heart that he more than cared, that he loved this boy, but he was scared to say it. He didn't want to say it too soon and wanted to say it at the right place and time. Not now, not with the memory of it amidst this moment of pain for Kurt and sadness for Blaine.
"I know you know you're fabulous and talented and wonderful. You've just seemed to have forgotten. Why?"
Kurt shook his head, crying freely now. His shoulders hunched and Blaine moved to kneel so he could pull the other boy into a hug as Kurt collapsed, his emotions overwhelming him. Blaine wrapped one arm around his slim body, his other lifting to rest his hand at the back of Kurt's head, fingers stroking through the light brown hair, his cheek pressed against the side of Kurt's forehead at his hairline. Kurt raised his hands to rest at Blaine's neck, his palms pressed against the jersey-knit of his boyfriend's t-shirt, just his fingertips making contact with the skin of Blaine's exposed collarbone. Kurt relished the feel of his warm skin, burrowing his face into the crook of his neck and shoulder, cheek pressed to Blaine's throat as he cried.
Blaine could feel his own tears falling from his eyes and into Kurt's hair, dismissing the desire to wipe them away, focused on providing as much comfort as possible to the boy in his arms. They stayed like they were for a good length of time before Kurt could breathe without sniffling. He pulled away slowly and wiped at his face. Blaine wiped at his own, ridding his face of any tears that hadn't fallen against Kurt's hairline or down Kurt's neck.
"Sometimes," Kurt finally spoke, attempting to answer Blaine's question before the walls broke, "it just feels like all the negative, the insults, the conflicts, they push away all the good. All the light. But you remind me of it. Since I've met you, you keep bringing light back into my life and I remember all the amazing and wonderful thoughts and feelings. You're the first person since my mother died to tell me I'm beautiful. People have used 'cute', 'handsome', 'dapper' or whatever, but not 'beautiful'. Until you. I mean my Dad, and now Carol and Finn, make me feel loved but it's not in the same way she did. The way you do."
"You need to always remember how amazing you are, Kurt," Blaine lifted his hand to cup Kurt's cheek once again. "But just in case you don't, I'm going to try to remind you everyday of my life in some way just how beautiful you are."
"Do you know what it does for me when you say things like that, when you look at me like that?" Kurt brought his hand to cover the one Blaine had pressed to his cheek. He didn't pull it away this time though, just gripped it tightly. "It's everything you do and are that saves me. You found me when I felt lost, pulled me out of the dark, filled a space in my heart I thought never could be. Even If I never forget who I am again, you'll still continue to save me."
Blaine didn't have any words he felt he could say to Kurt at that moment. Kurt's words were the most profound things anyone had ever said to him. His heart had never been so full before. So instead of floundering for insufficient sentiments, Blaine instead leaned in and pressed his lips against Kurt's. It was a simple kiss, lasting no more than a few seconds, but it was forceful and expressed the four letter word both of them felt but weren't ready to say.
-present-
Blaine leaned his elbow against the pillow, propping his head up, resting it upon his palm. He resumed running his hand through Kurt's short hair before leaning in to lightly kiss Kurt's slack lips. He kept his lips pressed against Kurt's until the other boy roused slightly from his slumber, lifting a hand up, his fingertips lightly touching Blaine's chin.
Blaine pulled away, continuing to lightly brush Kurt's hair back, smiling as Kurt's blinked open to look at him, giving him a sleepy smile.
"Hey," Kurt said, voice little more than a whisper.
"Hi," Blaine smiled back. Kurt sighed contently, the sleepy smile still on his face before moving to cuddle against Blaine, nuzzling his head onto Blaine's shoulder, laying a soft kiss on his neck, before he drifted back asleep. Blaine kissed the top of Kurt's head, wrapping his arms around him, hugging the other boy close, happy to see a smile on Kurt's face when before there was nothing but tears, and allowed that thought to let him drift off into his own slumber.