Here we go! So, this story was my very first Sanctuary fic (like ever) but was taken down a little while back. When I say taken down, I mean deleted for bad language in the summary. I was severely bummed by the fact because the reviews and love shown to me on this fic were just mindblowing and are the entire reason I am still writing fic here now.

So I am rewriting it! I'm going through, word by word and fixing it. It was rough and awkward to read when I first wrote it and Helen was too sniffly so hopefully all of that will be much neater now!

It's going to be slow going with this one because I'm wrapped up in too many other projects but I think some of you will have read it before anyway. This is mostly for me so that I can share with you all again the story I was so passionate about when I first wrote it.

xx

Helen was on the roof. Again. She knew she'd been spending far too much time up here of late but she couldn't help it, it was where she felt most at peace. Letting out a deep breath, she allowed her eyes to glaze over as the lights of New City twinkled, seeming to be just out of arms reach and let her mind wander until she became aware of footfalls on the stone behind her.

For once she cursed her old friend and his ability to keep all the hinges somehow perfectly oiled, the door that should have warned her of the impending intrusion having remained stubbornly silent instead.

She didn't reach for her gun at the intrusion, certain that only a select few would have been able to navigate the corridors that led to this particular part of the roof. Plus anyone trying to kill her ought to possess far more finesse and an ability to hide his or her footsteps far better than whoever was approaching appeared to be doing.

Whoever it was who had joined her stayed several feet back but she could hear their breathing none the less and detect the faintest trace of a cologne she'd known for the better part of her life.

"Helen," the voice said quietly and if she hadn't been sure of who had snuck up on her already, she was now.

"Nikola," she answered quietly, not turning around.

Again she heard the echo of footsteps approaching behind her until she could feel the warmth of his body beside her. They stood in silence for a moment and Helen chose to believe that he too was mesmerised by the sparkling lights set out before them.

"Why are you up here?" Nikola finally asked, his voice quiet. She didn't answer, instead sighing and leaning into the pillar by her hip. She could feel his eyes on her face but refused to look and meet his gaze.

"I don't know, Nikola," she answered softly. She heard him move once again towards her and she tensed, ready for an inappropriate hand to sneak across the small of her back. She truly wasn't in the mood for it tonight. But, to her surprise he merely picked up her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.

She waited for a long moment before returning the gesture and quickly dropping the contact. There was something about the human contact that was comforting despite his less than human nature at times but she wanted to be alone right now, not comforted by him.

It felt to her like an eternity since she'd last shared such contact, even her few moments with John in Cambodia had been stolen from an unconscious man which made them seem... lesser, for some reason.

Holding back a sigh she shifted her weight and stood up straighter.

Nikola surprised her again by reaching for her hand, rubbing soothing circles across the back with his thumb.

This time she didn't push him away.

It almost reminded her of those times back at Oxford when she'd gotten overwhelmed by the lines they were crossing. Those moments when the secrets became too much for her to bear she'd taught herself to walk away and find some secluded place to stand where she could simply watch the sky.

Nikola never took long to find her, appearing silently by her side and taking her hand. It was all the contact he'd allow mostly. They would stand there for a few moments, breathing deeply and saying nothing until she turned, curiosity getting the better of her and leading him back to their laboratory.

He'd always understood her better than the others in some ways, he alone could see the way her mind struggled at time to catch up to her heart as they ploughed through the infinite possibilities of human existence. He'd also seen the young woman who was both terrified and exhilarated by actions considered debauched by both academics and those with high opinion of what a young lady should involve herself in. He had been the only one she had the strength to confide in when it came to her uncertainties and she'd often wondered if he realised the fact.

"You need to rest," he murmured, his voice closer than she'd been expecting.

"So do you," she countered. He let out a low chuckle.

"Not anymore, my dear," he said.

Helen let out her own chuckle at his attitude but remained otherwise silent.

"You can't hide out here forever," he said finally, his voice far from its usual sneer. Slowly Helen turned to face her old friend, his eyes searching her face in the dim light.

Without a word he stepped forward and crushed his lips to hers demandingly. Helen fought with herself, unable to decide whether she ought to push him off the tower or lean in to the kiss but it was too late for her to decide, her mouth opening and yielding to his.

She grabbed his shoulders tightly, swaying just on the verge of pressing her body closer to his but Nikola suddenly pulled back, remorse flooding his features.

"I-I'm sorry," he said, his voice strained and breathy.

Helen turned before her tears could slip down her cheeks and betray her. She had no reason to be upset but after the sheer terror of the past few days they'd shared it seemed everything was just about to spill out.

She felt his unnaturally strong hand on her arm, trying to turn her back to face him but she fought his grip.

"Go away, Nikola," she said, voice breaking on his name.

"I'm sorry," he said again, voice raw and thick with something she couldn't identify. His arms wrapped around her from behind and she struggled for a moment until his lips met her neck gently and she felt herself sag into him.

The tears began to fall against her better judgement and he pulled her closer, pressing one last kiss to her neck before he slowly turned her. She allowed him the action for only one reason, her purpose becoming clear as she tossed her arms around his neck, slamming their lips together.

He kissed her back but the action was so guarded Helen let out an angry little growl.

Gently, he pulled back from the kiss but, in a second he pulled her back, holding her tightly to his chest. She could feel her tears sinking into the rich fabric of the suit he'd changed into. She sobbed silently into his shoulder for a moment before pulling herself together with a shuddering breath.

All it took was a soft push against his chest and she was free, much to her disappointment.

"I apologise," she said, not meeting his eye as she straightened her skirt. Quickly she made to move around him but he caught her easily.

"What's the matter?"

"Nothing."

She said it with a small smile, hoping to brush him off but his grip was strong.

"Helen, today was a good day. We survived, both of us and we killed an ancient bitch hell bent on world domination."

He smiled.

"And you revamped me."

She almost laughed at his childish enthusiasm. He always knew how to break her down like this, the glimmer of amusement returning to his eye at the smile she gave him.

But then looking at him she was reminded of all the reasons she'd sought out this quiet spot.

"Tell me what's wrong," he said, noticing the immediate drop in her demeanour.

Simply looking at the naked emotion on his face she crumbled. His hands came to her shoulders, holding her tightly but it wasn't enough. She leant into him quickly, kissing him once more as her hands made their way up to fist in his hair, pulling him even closer.

Nikola swayed slightly for a moment and she knew he was battling inner demons. She doubted he could deny how much he'd wanted this but in the same breath he would tell her that it wasn't like this.

She moaned into his lips, laying it on just a little and his restraint slid away, hands coming to rest on her hips. His tongue slipped into her mouth, tasting her as their bodies finally came into proper contact.

Helen pushed them until the stone walls pushed into Nikola's back. His hands drifted lower, caressing her through the thick fabric of her skirt. She shifted her hands to his chest, enjoying the elevated thrum of his heartbeat beneath her fingertips.

And that was it.

Her tears returned with a vengeance. She tried to keep kissing him, to ignore the frantic need rising in her chest but his sense of decency reared its head and he slowly pulled away from her.

Before she had the chance to run again, he pulled her into another hug, rubbing more of those soothing circles across her back.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, bodies entwined as Helen tried to keep her tears to a minimum.

Nikola couldn't find it in himself to care about how she must have been ruining his suit, too worried about the fact that Helen, Helen 'nothing ruffles my feathers' Magnus was crying. And not just crying, practically sobbing uncontrollably into his neck. He thought back over everything that had happened since they arrived back at the Sanctuary as he held her.

Their plane ride had been normal, flirty banter and all that but the moment they had stepped through the rather imposing front doors, Helen had shut down. Nikola had thought nothing of it at the time, too gleeful at his return to greatness to find it odd that Helen's "quick shower and bite to eat," had resulted in him not seeing her for several hours.

Of course, by the time he'd realised as such, the children were all off in their respective hidey holes or fast asleep, leaving him to find her on his own. The roof was the second place he'd checked (which honestly, just proved that he really did know her that well) which had almost worried him. Not that she was at threat of falling, more that it meant she was contemplating something that required solitude and distance to figure out. Never a good sign in his opinion.

Only when her sobs began to trail off did Nikola even contemplate talking.

"Now," he started softly as he sat her on the edge of the turret. "What is wrong?"

She made an effort to calm herself but just the feeling of his arms on hers reminded her of how good it felt to be held by him and sent all kinds of lustful thoughts through her body. With a soft sigh she'd never before heard leave her lips, she shook away the thoughts and focused instead on Nikola's eyes.

"It's been a tough day," she said finally. He continued to stare, obviously not happy with the answer.

"It's you," she tried again, her voice no louder than a whisper. A thousand emotions flashed over Nikola's face, anger, hurt, hope followed by more hurt, disappointment, regret and many more Helen couldn't name.

Only as he started to walk away from her did she realise how the words must have sounded.

"No, Nikola!" she cried, lurching after him. "It's not like that, I just... I..."

Words failed her and she bit her lip, a nervous tick she'd overcome decades ago.

Slowly Nikola turned back to face her, eyes so sad she couldn't help the guilt that swirled in her belly.

"I almost lost you today," she tried again. "James and Nigel are gone, John is..." she took a deep breath, "and my father is so seldom about that I think I am in danger of forgetting what he looks like. Which leaves you, Nikola. You're the only one who remembers what it used to be like, how hard it all was. Will, Kate and Henry... they try but God, Nikola, you were so reckless today! You could have so easily died and then... and then what? Bloody hell, I just... I..."

She ran out of steam, swaying slightly before forcing herself to turn and walk away from him as tears began to prickle the backs of her eyes.

"I'm not going anywhere," Nikola said firmly as he moved to stand behind her. His arms wound around her waist, tugging her back into his chest. Helen took a deep breath and, throwing caution to the wind, leant back into his embrace. They stood silently together for a few minutes until a low chuckle sounded in her ear.

She turned slightly, looking up at him.

"Why Dr. Magnus, I think you've drugged me." His voice was playful, back to the eternal flirt she couldn't bring herself to admit that she adored.

"And why would that be?"

"Because," he teased, his nose skimming across her cheek, "the memory of you kissing me is only just starting to come back to me. And believe me, that is not something I could easily forget."

Helen groaned and extricated herself from his arms. She knew he was teasing, he was far too much of a gentleman to use her previous desperation against her but she still had to fight the urge to blush and roll her eyes.

"Well, once I figure out how to remove that particular memory, I'll be sure to let you know," she retorted.

Something flashed across Nikola's face for a second and Helen had the unpleasant feeling that it was hurt but, before she could blink he was smirking at her.

"Good luck with that," he said, leaning in close as his dark, seductive voice washed over her. She jumped slightly at the sensation of his breath on the shell of her ear which only served to make his smirk even more pronounced.

Shaking her head, Helen turned from him to look down over the Sanctuary from their vantage point.