Hey there it's Summersunny with another random, stupid fic! I hope y'all like it! Jah bless!
DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN CAPCOM, RESIDENT EVIL OR ANY OF ITS CHARACTERS!
It is a beautiful, sunny day and everybody is outside enjoying the weather. Some people were at the park, some were dining outside, some people were on the beach. Everybody was so happy...and that pissed off Albert Wesker.
Albert Wesker (standing on the roof of a tall building): How dare everybody be happy? Good thing I have a plan to stop all this happiness! MUHAHAHAHAHA!
Just then, the door leading to the rooftop bursts open and out comes badass, not-so-smart, muscular world hero...CHRIS REDFIELD!
Chris: I am smart whoever's voice I can hear!
And joining him is his partner...the very gay PIERS NIVANS!
Piers (looking at a compact mirror and applying clear, glittery lip gloss on his lips): Oh, so because I love having sleepover parties with my girlfriends while we watch 'America's next Top Model,' that makes me gay? Because I love putting on a little mascara and blush, and I love manis and pedis that makes me gay? (looks up dreamy eyed) Because I lust after the hunk of man known as Chris Redfield and I dream about kissing those rock hard abs of his every night?
Chris (turns to Piers): What was that last part?
Piers: (panics): Uh...nothing!
Wesker: What are you doing here you idiot? And by idiot I am referring to Chris, not you Phil.
Piers: It's Piers!
Albert: Whatever.
Piers looks offended.
Chris: I'm here to stop you Wesker!
Wesker: Stop me? From what? Just because I'm randomly on the roof of a building holding a remote-controlled device, doesn't mean I'm up to no good! (scoffs) Discriminating against villains much?
Chris: I found out that you have an evil plan Wesker!
Piers: Um, actually it was me that investigated, found out his evil plan and I told you.
Chris: Your Captain is smack talking his arch nemesis Piers so shut up!
Piers: But...
Chris: Shush!
Piers (mumbling): Dumbass. Hot, sexy dumbass.
Chris: I know that you are about to unleash your most diabolical plan yet...to release the stinkiest of stink bombs all over the city from this rooftop!
DUN! DUN! DUN!
Wesker: (Clapping his hands slowly) Well, well, well...I must say Chris...I am impressed that you managed to figure out my plan.
Piers: It was actually me...
Chris and Wesker: Shut up!
Piers crosses his arms and angrily pouts.
Chris: Why Wesker? Why would you do something so...so fiendish?
Wesker: Because I am an evil villain with plenty of time on my hands. Also, I just saw 'Fifty Shades of Grey' because I heard it was about torture and violence but instead I get some shitty romance! I thought it was a violent horror movie! I just wasted my money! And for that...this city must pay!
Chris: Not gonna happen Wesker!
Wesker: We'll see about that! Minions! Get them!
Nothing happens.
Wesker: Oh shit, I forgot I killed all my minions. Fuck!
Chris charges towards Wesker and they're fighting, kicking and punching. Chris manages to knock the remote controlled device to the ground.
Chris: Quick! Piers grab the device!
Piers is drooling and in a trance
Piers (thinking to himself): Oh shit...Chris looks so fucking hot when he's fighting. Yeah Chris...yeah baby. Hit him. Hit that bad, bad man. Spank him. Spank me!
Chris: PIERS!
Piers (snaps back to reality): Huh?
Chris (holding Wesker): GRAB THE FUCKING DEVICE!
Wesker bites Chris' arm and Chris who is in pain, releases Wesker.
Chris: OW! Fucking psycho bit me! You better not have hepatitis Wesker!
Wesker: Oh believe me Chris, I got worse diseases than hepatitis!
Chris: Ew!
Wesker and Piers run to the device but Wesker grabs it first and pushes the button. A blimp in the sky appears from nowhere and explodes, releasing the most disgusting smell ever. Wesker puts on his gas mask.
Chris (covering his nose with his shirt and coughing): UGH! The smell! It's so disgusting!
Piers: So bad! It smells so bad! Like a vagina!
Wesker: MUHAHAHAHA!
Chris: Wesker you asshole! You're not going to get away with this!
Chris charges towards Wesker and they fight. Chris manages to knock Wesker to the ground.
Chris: Take that you son of a bitch! (Chris brings out handcuffs). Your ass is going to jail!
Chris handcuffs his arm and Wesker's arm.
Chris: And to make sure that you don't escape, I've tied both of us to handcuffs that I have no idea where the key is!
Wesker (raises eyebrow): If you don't know where the key is, then how are you going to free yourself?
Chris: Um...well...um...(pauses) FUCK!
Wesker (sighs): Idiot.
A few hours later, Chris' apartment...
Chris is talking on his cell phone with his BSAA Supervisor, Barry Burton.
Barry: So let me get this straight...you handcuffed a psychopath to yourself and you don't have the key?
Chris: Yup.
Barry: And you weren't able to stop Wesker from unleashing that stink bomb which I am currently smelling?
Chris: Yup.
Barry: *sigh* Chris, you're my friend, but you're an idiot.
Chris: That is the third time today I've been called that! You know what, I'm gonna hang up now.
Chris hangs up.
Chris: Piers, did you get my chainsaw?
Piers: Right here boss!
Wesker: You have a chainsaw? A chainsaw is something that a psycho like me would own! Why would you own one?
Chris: Oh I use it to cut up meat when I'm cooking. And also to carve the turkey on Thanksgiving.
Flashback
Chris is holding his chainsaw which is making a really loud noise. He cuts the turkey and turkey pieces fly everywhere. Claire, Jill, Josh, Barry, Barry's wife and daughters, Piers, Rebecca, Billy, Carlos, Sheva, Ada and Leon all have turkey meat on their clothes and hair. Everyone except Chris looks pissed.
Chris (smiling): Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Present day...
Chris: Okay Piers, use the chainsaw to cut the handcuff chain and free us.
Wesker: Good! I can't wait to be free from you! I didn't think you could be more annoying until I spent all this time with you! How does Jill deal with you? And also why don't you wear deodorant? You stink of sweat!
Chris: Deodorant covers up my manly smell!
Wesker: That's not a manly smell! It's sweat and it's gross!
Chris: Whatever! Just put your hand on the table so that Piers can cut us free.
Chris and Wesker put their hands on the table, the handcuff chain between them.
Chris: Alright Piers! Go for it!
Piers starts the chainsaw and he moves it towards the handcuff chain.
Piers (thinking to himself): Wow, I can't believe that Chris has so much faith in me that he would trust me enough to use this dangerous chainsaw! I feel so honored! He might be dating Jill and he might be straight, but who knows? Maybe one day he'll fall in love with me and leave that bitch Jill! And then we'll be a couple and I can stare into those beautiful eyes of his! Damn his eyes are so beautiful...
Back to reality, Piers is directing the chainsaw towards Chris and Wesker's arms...
Chris and Wesker (screaming): AHHHHHHHH!
Chris: PIERS! WHAT THE FUCK! YOU'RE ABOUT TO CUT OUR ARMS OFF!
Piers is still in a trance, daydreaming about Chris.
Wesker uses his other hand to bring out a taser gun from his pocket and shoots Piers with it.
Piers (screaming in pain): AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
Piers falls down and luckily for him the chainsaw falls next to him.
Chris: Wesker! Why did you tase him? That chainsaw could have fallen on top of him!
Wesker: I don't give a shit if he was about to be chopped into pieces! He almost cut off my fucking arm!
Chris and Wesker walk up to Piers
Chris: Piers, are you okay buddy?
Piers on the ground, twitching, almost unconscious and mumbling nonsense...
Piers: Umafdhjafdgdhjkaadsfghjkfcfgghj
Chris: Come on, lets go to the hardware store. I'm sure someone will have a tool to cut off these stupid handcuffs.
At the Hardware Store...
Chris and Wesker are greeted by an employee of the Hardware Store
Male employee (smiling): Hello there! Welcome to The Depo Home!
Wesker: That sounds an awful lot like...
Male Employee (eyes turn red with rage and yells): IT SOUNDS AN AWFUL LOT LIKE NOTHING!
Chris jumps into Wesker's arms and they hug each other in fear. Male employee takes a deep breath.
Male Employee (smiling): So how can I help you fine gentlemen?
Chris jumps off of Wesker.
Chris: Um...we need help to free ourselves from these handcuffs.
Wesker: Yeah, big and stupid here handcuffed us and he doesn't know where he kept the keys.
Male Employee: Oh, you two were getting a little frisky huh? (He winks)
Chris: WHAT! Me? And him? No, no, no you got it all wrong pal! I'm not gay!
Wesker: And I have absolutely no sexual desire towards any gender. The only thing that turns me on is world domination and evil. But trust me, even if I was homosexual, I would not hook up with this annoying dim bulb.
Chris: Uh, have you looked at me? Trust me, if you were gay, you would be attracted to all this.
Wesker: I would rather sleep with a Regenerador than you.
Chris: Are you saying I'm uglier than a Regenerador? You asshole!
Chris uses his other hand to choke Wesker's neck and Wesker uses his knee to hit Chris' ribs repeatedly.
Male Employee: Woah, woah dudes! This is a family store! Leave your sexual frisky stuff for when you get home!
Chris and Wesker stop fighting
Chris: We were fighting not being sexual *sigh* whatever, just help us get out of these cuffs.
Male Employee: Sure come right this way. My co-worker Mike will help you out.
After explaining their situation to Mike...
Mike: Oh boy, I can't tell you how many couples have come to me asking me to cut off their handcuffs. Back in my day, people were more conservative in the bedroom. But then again, maybe if I was this freaky during my marriage, my ex wife wouldn't have divorced me (laughs).
Chris (groans in frustration): We're not a couple!
Mike: Hey, I ain't judging! I know things are different in this day and age. I am very accepting of you gays.
Chris face palms his forehead.
Mike: Okay, lets see what I can do here...
Mike uses different tools like a hacksaw, a chainsaw, a bolt cutter and even a flamethrower, but the handcuff chain was still intact.
Mike (wiping the sweat off his brow): Damn. Well boys, I tried everything but this chain won't budge! What the fuck kind of material are these handcuffs made of?!
Chris (talking nervously): Metal. What else would they be made of? You so silly Mike! Hehe.
Mike: Well if they were made of ordinary metal, then y'all would have been free by now. That ain't no regular metal.
Chris: Um, you know what, thanks for your help but we'll figure it out! Come on Wesker!
Chris drags Wesker and runs out of the store.
Wesker: What the hell? Why did you want to leave?
Chris: That Mike guy was getting suspicious.
Wesker: Suspicious of what?
Chris: Okay, look, these handcuffs aren't metal. They're made of a special indestructible alloy thingy. Our engineers at the BSAA create these handcuffs and other inventions to help capture bioterrorist criminals. However our inventions are highly confidential. I had to get out of the store before that Mike guy figured out that these handcuffs are actually top secret weapons!
Wesker: You moron! If BSAA engineers invented these handcuffs then why didn't we just go to those engineers in the first place?
Chris: All our engineers are in the hospital right now. They invented a huge robot that they wanted to use to capture a bioterrorist and the robot went out of control. The robot started beating the shit out of all those engineers and shooting rockets at them before it self destructed. Our engineers will be okay though. I mean they'll be physically okay but I'm pretty sure they're gonna need psychotherapy to get over what that robot did to them.
Wesker: I thought you were the only incompetent idiot at the BSAA. But it seems the BSAA has a lot of incompetent idiots. This is why the BSAA will never capture me. You are all a bunch of dumbasses!
Chris: You know what, I do not like your attitude mister! (Chris starts tearing up) I cannot wait to get out of these handcuffs because you are really mean! Words hurt you know. (Chris turns and stares into the distance) The more you know.
Wesker raises an eyebrow, weirded out and wondering what Chris is looking at.